Everyone is having babies so why can't I?

CathyMoran

Hi,

I just found out that my sister in law is having a baby. I don't know if I can ever have kids as I recently had cancer and was diagnosed late so I did not have time to freeze my eggs. I am so jelous and so pissed off. I have wanted a baby for years and was planning a baby when I got ill. The pain that I am feeling is unbelieveable, it is bad enough that the cancer took my ability to eat large volumes but the fact that it took the ability for me to have kids also is unbearable. I have photos of my husband with babies, he is so good with them. He gets upset also about not having kids but says that he would rather have me. Sorry for my rant.

Has anyone else coped with being childless? How did you manage. There is a small chance that we can have babies but my cycle has not returned yet which is not good (though I was given protective treatment at the time and have not gone through the menopause). I am only 33 and 11 months married.

dazberry

Hi CathyMoran,

my cousin went thru' a similar situation as yourself - with her it was leukemia, she was around your age at the time too. She did manage to have some eggs frozen - but in the end nothing worked and she is unable to have children.

Herself and her husband have subsequently adopted - twice, two baby boys now big and bold They're great parents and its great that these two kids are now part of a loving and caring family.

D.

squishywishy

Really feel for you, can only imagine how painful it must be.
From reading your post I can pick out so many things you can be thankful for and a relation of mine who had cancer too told me being thankful for what she had was the only way to get through.
You have what sounds like a wonderful husband who loves you very much and you also have your health. If you have fought through your illness then nothing life deals you will be too much.
Who knows what the future will hold, you dont know that you cant have kids yet so live with that hope that maybe you can, if not then look into adoption - you have love to give so why not give it to a child who desperatly needs it.
Keep your chin up

How Strange

Cathy, your reaction to your sister-in-law's news is very understandable. It must be gut wrenching to see other people have what you want so badly.

I am the same age as you and I have no desire to have a child yet. That worries me in some ways as I think will I want them some day and I will have left it too late? So then I feel in a bit of a quandry but I am happy with my life as it is right now. But if I do get broody in the future and have left it too late then I'm sure I'll feel that pain of wanting a child and not being able to have one.

My advice would be to try adoption/IV or whatever options are open to youbut don't let it take over your life. Don't let it consume you and your husband to the point that if it doesn't work out that both of you will be so devasted that there is no sense of the two of you as a couple left. I don't know if that makes much sense but I have seen other couples battle for a baby for so long that their marriage/relationship is in tatters as a result.

I don't mean to undermine your strong desire for a baby which is one of the most primal urges a human can have. But I do think that sometimes we have to face the fact that life just doesn't happen for us the way it does for other people or the way we always thought it would. And then we have to embrace the life we have right now. If we don't and we are constantly looking to what other people have and measuring ourselves against them and what they have then we become dissatisfied and slowly but surely bitter.

LegacyUser

I'm going through kindof the same thing myself at the moment, albeit without the added trauma of having had to deal with cancer. I can only imagine how hard that must have been for you.

Basically we've been trying to conceive for the guts of 3 years now, and after lots of tests, operations, and endless rounds of talking to consulatants and specialists, we've been told that IVF or adoption is the only route left to us, and we dont' even know if IVF will even work for us, so I'm in the same boat as you with regard to wanting to have children and not being able to, ditto the husband who is bitterly disappointed but says - like yours - that he'll be happy so long as he has me.

We are only in our mid to late twenties too, so to be told this at such a "young" age with virtually no health problems we can find that could have caused it, is heartbreaking, baffling, upsetting, you name it. If we were mid 40s I could understand that perhaps our chance had passed us by, but to be in our twenties with the knowledge that we probably can't have children of our own ever is not exactly filling us with joy.

To answer your question, I don't think you ever get used to the idea that you may never have your own children, it's something that you secretly hope will happen in the darkest recesses of your heart and head, a silent wish and longing that you can never fully let go of. It's something you have to learn to live with. I've run the gamut of emotions with it - rage, anger, tears, desperation, numbness, jealousy, envy, hatred, bitter self-pity, nihilistic thoughts, and felt like a horrible person for having these thoughts, which only adds to the merry-go-round of misery as you can add guilt to that lovely pile of emotions.

You hear about yet another person who got pregnant after their first month of trying, and while you know logically you should be happy for them, there's always a little dagger in the back of your mind screaming blue murder at the unfairness of it and the jealousy and envy well up. You probably will never stop having these feelings (unless you do end up having your own child) but you will learn to recognise when they start to erupt, and learn to control them and not let them control you.

Try not to let it take over your life - there will be times where every waking and sleeping minute is consumed with nothing but the fact that you are longing for your own child but while it's ok to give into this once in a blue moon, you have to pick yourself up and count your blessings as they stand - you have a loving husband, you've survived cancer, and you have family round you. As howstrange said, do not let it consume you totally, or it will end up tearing you and your husband apart. If you focus on nothing else, you will change as a person, make no mistake about it, and one day you'll wake up and you won't recognise the person you have become. I started to slip down that road about 6 months ago, but luckily caught myself in time and, with the support of my husband who was starting to really worry about me, realised that if I kept going down that road, it'd only lead to depression, a total loss of sense of self, the possible loss of my marriage if I succumbed to be that bitter sad person I was starting to become.

You have to learn to enjoy life for what it is RIGHT NOW - not sit pining for what could have been, or what you had hoped would be. You say you haven't found out yet if you can or your can't for sure, as your cycle hasn't returned to normal yet, so try to avoid dwelling on it and wait and see how things pan out for you healthwise, you could have a very happy surprise in the next few years, you just don't know. I know it's hard when everyone around you seems to be getting pregnant and having children, I know I'm surrounded by couples who are popping babies out like they're ten a penny, and it's so hard sometimes to dredge up the smiles and congratulations, but you have to try, mainly for your own sanity.

For now, concentrate on making sure you're looking after your health, and wait til your cycles return and you find out one way or another. If you do get the bad news that you are unable to have children, there is always the option of adoption, if you really want to be parents and give a child a loving home. Many thousands of couples have found a way to live a happy childless life, I know a few older couples personally who couldn't have children, or suffered from repeated miscarriages and never carried to term, and are now past the age where they could have children anyway, and once they accepted that their chance for having children had passed, they managed to go on and lead happy and fulfilled lives, with only the odd twinge of regret and sadness. You and your husband need to make sure you don't neglect your relationship or each other, as you will be the strongest rock for each other to lean on.

Sorry for such a long soppy post, it's just a subject that's obviously close to my heart.

milkerman

Hi Cathy
Generally speaking, I think having babies is a great deal more important for women than for men. Nevertheless, I can understand your anguish. The feelings you describe are entirely normal.
I hope you regain full health and go on to start a family. If this is not the case try to remember that life is good & there to be enjoyed. Regrets won't make any difference.
Good Luck.

LadyJ

Hi Cathy,

I kept an eye on your thread when you were battling cancer and all I can say is that I have never known someone with so much courage and determination. If you can get through that and come out the other side then there is nothing CathyMoran cannot handle!

I know you must be heartbroken but there is still hope that you might be able to have kids and if not then adopting is the way forward. You would be a marvellous parent to any child and they would be lucky to get such a brave and positive mother.

I know that adopting a child isn't the same as having your own baby but you seem like a person who has so much love and encouragement to give so don't dismiss the idea.

Oryx

Hi Cathy. Ive followed your posts as you went thru your treatment and the darkest times of your illness, even though I may never have made many comments to you at that time. I admired your strength and character then, and I do now.

I have only briefly experienced that longing and envy your talking about. I did go on to have two children in my early 30s. But I wont ever forget how it felt to ache for a child and to wonder if I ever would have kids. It was a real physical pain and longing that made me cry.

Because Im not in your situation I cannot understand how you feel, only sympathise. I just want to say, I hope that it works out for you, or if not, you find peace and fulfilment in some other area of your life. That sounds lame, but its from the heart and I truly wish you all thats good.

jos28

HI Cathy,
First things first, Congratulations on your recovery. Like other posters I have read your posts and your determination and courage is amazing. I am older than you and would look at 'having babies' from a different perspective. I was lucky enough to have 2 children. I was very glad I had them and they brought tremendous joy to my life. My children are now adults with lives of their own. I have many friends who were unable to conceive. Time has gone full circle for all of us and we are all in the same boat now. Our children flee the nest and what remains is yourself and your partner at home together. Some of my age group are finding it very difficult to adjust to just the 'two of us' again having devoted 20 years to childrearing. The big difference I notice with my friends that did not have kids, is the strength of their relationships. They seem to share more, have had fantastic adventures together and seem to be more united than the rest of us. I envy them their closeness. You are very lucky to have found the love that you did. You will have a great life together whatever it brings. It might bring children, you may adopt, you may foster,you might be the best auntie in the world to whatever children are in your life. What I am trying to say is that children don't define you. Don't let the desire to have a baby consume you. Life's blessings can come in many shapes and forms.

DawnMc

Hi Cathy,
This must be really difficult for you, I have a friend who went through a similar situation.

There is still a chance, is there? You can keep trying.

There are so many children out there whose parents don't deserve them and take them for granted. The world really is an unfair place.

Thinking of you Cathy, must be very difficult x

embee

Hi Cathy,

First of all, I'm another one of those people who read your posts when you were battling the cancer, and I admire your strength and bravery.

If I were in your position, and taking all factors into account, I would try to find out definitively whether or not you are still fertile. I would try to make an appointment with a fertility specialist as soon as possible. After some tests, they should be able to tell you what your best options for parenthood are - natural conception, assisted conception, donor eggs, adoption etc. The worst part of this to me is the unknown, hanging around in limbo. It could still happen for you - please don't lose heart. I know a woman who has a 1 year old son who was conceived with a donor egg. My cousins wife is due her first baby in February, conceived through IVF.

Best of luck with everything.

LegacyUser

We're the same age as you, currently going through IVF No.2, the first one failed, the second one, who knows??
Initially it seemed like we were unexplained, now it seems that it may be a problem on my wife's side, if this one fails, she will be devastated as we may not have that many attempts left, plus she'll have the guilt factor. From my p.o.v I don't want it to fail, because I don't want her disappointed, whilst having my own kids is something I want, if it's not to be, well, we'll try every avenue open to us and we'll figure out something, but without wanting to be too cliched, we do have each other.
I recommend you go to a clinic sooner rather than later, check out www.rollercoaster.ie and the infertility or trying to conceive threads for discussions on most of the clinics.
There are still options even if your fears are confirmed, going down the donor egg route may be an option. Either way, it's best to take action sooner rather than later, and the very best of luck, you've been through worse than this, you can handle whatever life throws at you.
Good Luck

LegacyUser

I just wanted to say thanks for being so honest in your post. One of my sisters is going through the same thing as you at the moment, and I think now I understand a little better how she is feeling.

I wish you the best of luck, and when I'm saying a prayer for my sister to conceive, I'll say one for you too.