I just found out that perfect isn't perfect

uprooted shane

right i suppose i should give ye the background info first!

im in 1st year doin engineering in Dublin, and im from offaly. me and my girlfriend of about a year and a half absolutely adore each other and we spent all our spare time together before i left for college and we do too now when im home for the weekend! so thats all good. obviously we miss each other and shes finding it harder then i am! (shes a year behind me) but still, were getting through it and its not effecting our relationship at all.

so i come back up to dublin on the monday morning train, so we get to see each other on sunday nights too. so last night were in my sitting room, alone just chatting away and it comes to a topic i didnt think effected us at the minute.

turns out she thinks at times the main time i come home at the week ends is for some "action" and that its not to see her and talk to her as a loving boyfriend. now she only gets this every 2nd or 3rd week, so its like its every week. but after inquiring about it, [obviously i wanted to talk about it, cos its not the case] i realized that this didn't just start when i went to college.

after we talked about it for a while, we got it all sorted and i just explained to her that ive been going out with her because i love her for her, not for her body, and that (i siad this in the nicest way possible) if i just wanted action, i wouldnt be coming home for it, that if i wanted it that much i could find it in dublin. she seamed convinced that i was tellin the truth so we just kept talking then about other things.

now i know this is very naive of me, but before this i didnt think that we had ay problems at all, silly of me, but it was just a shock. now that i know about it i just want to work on it as best i can. so im just looking for ways really to show her that i really do love her, and thats why i come home, to see her. just some ideas on things i can do for her and stuff to show her!

any ideas would be a great help.

thanks in advance guys! have a great monday!:D

togster

Eh.. invite her to dublin? buy her flowers? Take her for a meal. I don't know how people are in relationships sometimes tbh.

uprooted shane

no, no, i meant something thats not obvious and something that she wont expect. shes been up to dub more then once! and we do go for meals! not much of a flower girl!

im just lookin for something different! prob should have said that in my post !

davyjose

How about next time you come home how about doing some of the things togster recommends, and NOT being the one to instigate sex.
TBH no relationship is perfect, and if you go in believing that then you'll be sorely disappointed. You will go through really rough times in any relationship, and knowing and accepting that this is just part of being intimately involved with someone will make it a lot easier to get through it and help prevent it from disintegrating.

Best of luck.

togster

Im crap at these things. So i dont know really. A big gesture might look a bit like you are trying to prove something when in fact you could just try to be more caring towards her during the week with phone calls and texts. At the weekend try not to make sex the most important thing. She feels like this for a reason.

funloving

why don't you spend the weekend in one of those wonderful castles you have in Ireland where there is a spa?
Take her on a mini break...
Does she have any passion?If so do something that's for her only...

uprooted shane

davyjose wrote: »

How about next time you come home how about doing some of the things togster recommends, and NOT being the one to instigate sex.
TBH no relationship is perfect, and if you go in believing that then you'll be sorely disappointed. You will go through really rough times in any relationship, and knowing and accepting that this is just part of being intimately involved with someone will make it a lot easier to get through it and help prevent it from disintegrating.

Best of luck.

oh yea i know that, i just thought that at the minute everything was fine ya know!
i know that no relationship is perfect, it would be boring if it was!



that spa break sounds really good actually, im going to look into that! thanks for all the replys people!!!!

Reku

uprooted shane wrote: »

oh yea i know that, i just thought that at the minute everything was fine ya know!
i know that no relationship is perfect, it would be boring if it was!



that spa break sounds really good actually, im going to look into that! thanks for all the replys people!!!!

There's one near the Delphi adventure place (in Mayo I think), really pricy though last I'd heard, and Raddissons Hotels offer such weekend-spa breaks, they're scattered around the country so hopefully one will suit:
http://www.radissonsas.ie/

Overheal

Give her the ball: stop initiating the sexual engagements. When she wants to, she will. Try talking to her online during the week too.

SarahSassy

You dont have to spend a lot of money on her. She is feeling a bit neglected / left behind so talk a lot to her, listen to her and pay her attention even in small ways e.g. holding her hand, making her a cd, watching a movie she would like. You know what I mean.

You sound like a great boyfriend and sometimes we ladies get a bee in our bonnet over something small. I think a bit of effort now will mean a lot to her and keep her happy.

vorbis

Sounds like she was jsut feeling a bit insecure OP. It happens. You certainly seem to be doing your bit regarding keeping in contact and spending enough time with her. Her saying you were only with her for sex was unjustified imo.

I'm not so sure I go along with the idea of "rewarding" her for throwing a strop over nothing. She accuses you of something you're clearly not guilty of and you respond by taking her away to a spa for a weekend??

Personally, I plan weekends away and nice stuff with my gf just because I want to. I don't feel the need to do so if we have an argument.

uprooted shane

awh thanks! i love her to pieces i really do, i know i dont have to do things for her, but i want to, and i want to do them for me too, like we have free calls to one another so were always on the phone and stuff, and we talk every day, i need that as much as her, but its her 18th a week before xmas eve so im going to go on one of those trips for either her b day or xmas, it will be a nice suprise for her, and give us a chance to spend some good quality, talking,time together! :D

thanks for all the replies people! much apreceated

Marksie

I am not sure a big single gesture is what is required here. Sarahsassy has it right and you are correct when you talk about quality time together.
I really do beleive that it could be as simple as juts relaxing watching adVD together and just being wit her and talking. Bettter to get to know each other and better just to simplybe together without the expections of sex.

But by all means make a gesture but keep the small stuiff going all the time. its important in any relationship to do this

uprooted shane

Marksie wrote: »

I am not sure a big single gesture is what is required here. Sarahsassy has it right and you are correct when you talk about quality time together.
I really do beleive that it could be as simple as juts relaxing watching adVD together and just being wit her and talking. Bettter to get to know each other and better just to simplybe together without the expections of sex.

But by all means make a gesture but keep the small stuiff going all the time. its important in any relationship to do this

oh yea we do, i mean each weekend when im at home we make time to sit down and just chat, or watch tv, go to the cinema, or what ever, we were allways good witht that kinda thing. i know its not just the single big things that count, god i know the best thing she can do for me is let me lie with my ear on her chest and let me listen to her heart beat, [sappy i know but ive been doing it since the day we met ] just hearing what she said the other day trigured something in me that wants me to do something big, and i might aswell kill two birds with the one stone and get her bday out of the way too!!!

Gyalist

I have a few minutes to kill between meetings so I will try to give you the benefit of my hard-won experience in these matters.

im in 1st year doin engineering in Dublin, and im from offaly. me and my girlfriend of about a year and a half absolutely adore each other and we spent all our spare time together before i left for college and we do too now when im home for the weekend! so thats all good. obviously we miss each other and shes finding it harder then i am! (shes a year behind me) but still, were getting through it and its not effecting our relationship at all.

So you're 18/19 and away from home for the first time. Spending so much "face time" with your girlfriend is definitely not good. You need to develop a life outside of your girlfriend with activities that do not include her (that includes the time that you spend back in Offaly too). She should be part of your life not your whole life.

turns out she thinks at times the main time i come home at the week ends is for some "action" and that its not to see her and talk to her as a loving boyfriend. now she only gets this every 2nd or 3rd week, so its like its every week. but after inquiring about it, [obviously i wanted to talk about it, cos its not the case] i realized that this didn't just start when i went to college.

after we talked about it for a while, we got it all sorted and i just explained to her that ive been going out with her because i love her for her, not for her body, and that (i siad this in the nicest way possible) if i just wanted action, i wouldnt be coming home for it, that if i wanted it that much i could find it in dublin. she seamed convinced that i was tellin the truth so we just kept talking then about other things.

Son, wrong answer!! Your mistake is taking what she said seriously. The correct answer to her question is "Yes. Did you see where I put my phone?" or something like that. Never ever be afraid or embarrassed to be a sexual man.
I'm willing to bet that she listened to very little of what you said to her anyway. You answered her question like a typical man, with logic. All she would have heard was "logic, logic, explanation, blah blah blah..." when she would have been thinking "I wish this guy just had the balls to take me now".

now i know this is very naive of me, but before this i didnt think that we had ay problems at all, silly of me, but it was just a shock. now that i know about it i just want to work on it as best i can. so im just looking for ways really to show her that i really do love her, and thats why i come home, to see her. just some ideas on things i can do for her and stuff to show her!

Most men never see these tests (for that's what they are) coming from their women and are always blindsided by them. You could go into Weirs on Grafton Street and buy an expensive man bag and hand over your balls to her in them or you could "man up".

She's running standard chick program on you. Don't worry, it comes embedded in all women. The trick is in learning how to handle it.

Use you time in Dublin wisely. By that I mean not just your studies, but to build a life and a social circle that does not include your girlfriend. College is not just about study, the social aspect is just as important. As you're studying Engineering the chances are that they are not many women in your course. Go hang out in Arts, Psychology, Marketing - places where the hot chicks are and befriend them and socialise with them. Take pictures too! Post them on your Bebo or whatever it is you young people use, and I guarantee that when your girlfriend realises that you could possibly have other options and that other women find you attractive, her behaviour will improve.

And as for the others recommending earlier in this thread that you spend money on her to reassure her: that would totally be the wrong thing to do. Never ever reward bad behaviour.

Oh, btw, and this is most important life lesson I can give you: never put pussy on a pedestal.

Rob_l

Gyalist wrote: »

I have a few minutes to kill between meetings so I will try to give you the benefit of my hard-won experience in these matters.



So you're 18/19 and away from home for the first time. Spending so much "face time" with your girlfriend is definitely not good. You need to develop a life outside of your girlfriend with activities that do not include her (that includes the time that you spend back in Offaly too). She should be part of your life not your whole life.



Son, wrong answer!! Your mistake is taking what she said seriously. The correct answer to her question is "Yes. Did you see where I put my phone?" or something like that. Never ever be afraid or embarrassed to be a sexual man.
I'm willing to bet that she listened to very little of what you said to her anyway. You answered her question like a typical man, with logic. All she would have heard was "logic, logic, explanation, blah blah blah..." when she would have been thinking "I wish this guy just had the balls to take me now".



Most men never see these tests (for that's what they are) coming from their women and are always blindsided by them. You could go into Weirs on Grafton Street and buy an expensive man bag and hand over your balls to her in them or you could "man up".

She's running standard chick program on you. Don't worry, it comes embedded in all women. The trick is in learning how to handle it.

Use you time in Dublin wisely. By that I mean not just your studies, but to build a life and a social circle that does not include your girlfriend. College is not just about study, the social aspect is just as important. As you're study Engineering the chances are that they are not may women in your course. Go hang out in Arts, Psychology, Marketing - places where the hot chicks are and befriend them and socialise with them. Take pictures too! Post them on your Bebo or whatever it is you young people use, and I guarantee that when your girlfriend realises that you could possibly have other options and that other women find you attractive, her behaviour will improve.

And as for the others recommending earlier in this thread that you spend money on her to reassure her: that would totally be the wrong thing to do. Never ever reward bad behaviour.

Oh, btw, and this is most important life lesson I can give you: never put pussy on a pedestal.

This guy gets it OP read his words if you dont get it then then re-read them in fact even if you think you get it re read them.

I highlighted the main point for you OP
would you reward a bold dog with a treat or a child with a new toy when they misbehave

Sangre

Break up with her telling her you feel like she is only seeing you because you fulfill her emotional needs.

ghouse

togster wrote: »

At the weekend try not to make sex the most important thing. She feels like this for a reason.

She thinks she feels like this for a reason. Perhaps the Op should not be too harsh on himself to begin with. Women worry more about relationships than men, and to think otherwise is foolish.

The trick is to figure out if she's really worried about the sex, or if she's worried that you're not worried enough about her worries. (God, women...)

Next weekend you're with her, perhaps begin with asking what she'd like to do for the day, and not be the one to instigate the sex (as mentioned previously).

As a final suggestion, it may be unwise to go all-out and ask her directly, as this may lead to the usual tantrums (you insensitive this, you never listen you that). At the same time, it may work, she might just have been testing you. Take care. And phone a friend who knows where you'll be should the worst happen

EDIT: I really enjoyed Gyalist's post, but it may be too sweeping for the OP at the moment, when he has so little information from her side.

Dalfiatach

Gyalist is wise. Listen to him, young Padawan.

Women like to try and pull these little "tests" all the time. You essentially have 3 options when "tested":

1) Completely ignore the insane-statement-of-the-week and carry on entirely as normal. Summarily dismiss insane-statement-of-the-week with a simple "Ehh, no. That's mad. Where on earth did you come up with that crazy notion? Also, my beer can is nearly empty". Traditionally, this was the response of my parent's generation of men.

2) Dump her ass, citing unreasonable mind-games and general flakery. After all you do for her, ungrateful wench trying to make you feel guilty about something you never did. Traditionally, this was my generation's favoured response, which is why so many of us are still single in our mid-30s

3) Spend the rest of your life as a castrated pussy-whipped bee-atch constantly playing catch-up as the "little tests" just keep coming and you have to go to ever-more-ludicrous lengths to "prove" you are worthy of the Little Princess. And she will come to view you with contempt and as merely a meal ticket for the rest of her days, as you grovel in the dirt explaining how much you "love" her and promising extravagant presents to win back her "love". This seems to be the response of many of today's young men, doomed to a life of wage-slavery to appease a whole generation of Little Princesses who never learned that trying to mess with men's minds on purpose just to watch them dance is Not Cool.