Feedback appreciated

WunderGirl

Hello all, I'm a newbie and just wanted to introduce what little I have to say about myself at this point. I've been writing poetry/lyrics/creative writing since I was very young but have never seriously ventured into it till now. The "short story" that I'm writing now (for want of a better word) is the first time I've written a longish piece in years. I often have these "scenes" in my mind that are dying to become tangible and this story might be a way to combine all these scenes into one package. I assume you are all wiser than I am, and probably have written more than me so I'd love to have someone read it to see if it has any potential at all. (I'm not quitting my day job in the meantime) However, I'm just really unsure/sensitive about it because the subject is quite taboo. (If you read it, you'll see). There's nothing adult about it, but the themes will be uncomfortable for some. I can't really figure out why I decided to write this, just a combination of experiences, stories and scenes from dreams coming together into this little story. Well if anyone is interested, I can post the blog site, but this was really just a post to say hello. I'm a fairly shy and private person so you won't find much information about me, but if you're really curious, please do PM me. Cheers! WunderGirl

WunderGirl

Goodness, I totally forgot to post the blog address. However, I guess what I will do is just post the opening few paragraphs. If you are still interested, please post here and I will forward you the blog address, I'm still quite self conscious about my writing and I'm not sure I want to post it publically.

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The grade eleven English classroom on the 2nd floor of Lancaster High was clearing out quickly. Susan Gardener had put up the final notes on the board for Twelfth Night, in preparation for the reading tomorrow. The room was full of the sounds of zipping pencil cases and binders being hastily stuffed into backpacks. One of the students had been writing a test just before this class and was frantically trying to copy the notes from the board.

The bell had rung - a signal that the "show" that all teachers must put on during school hours had come to an end. Susanne was weary of the 'facade' she had to put up since morning. It was that half-cheery face you plastered on despite the fact your world was falling down around you. She could no longer smile after the bell had rang, the sound was an invitation for her problems to rush into her head and crowd out all other thoughts.

The day had been long and hot. September wasn't usually this warm in Montreal but this year it had been unbearable. As she sat at her desk watching over her student her mind wandered... she had so many things to do. She was still due in court over divorce proceedings in 2 days times and lesson plans had to be made in order to take the day off. What could she have her students do? In her mind, she flipped through the pages of her binders - trying to sort out what meaningful activity the students could busy themselves with in two days time. As she gathered her books and papers absent mindedly, her mind shifted to the bitterness in her ex-husbands' voice on the phone this morning. He accused her of "ruining his life" and promised not to "let her get away with it". She sighed, thank goodness they didn't have children. In retrospect, it was a good idea he had never wanted any - although Susanne longed for motherhood for many unfulfilled years.

In fact, those pangs of sadness over not having any children translated themselves into intense "mothering" feelings she felt for her students - the good ones at least. She came from a house of sisters, and had longed for a son. Sadly, that was not to be. At least, she did not have to put a child through the wringer that divorce proceedings often are. She sucked in her breath sharply, the custody battle would have been much worse than the property and financial battles that were ongoing at the moment. She felt as if her life was at a crossroads, things would never be the same and she was destined for a life of loneliness now. Her eyes welled up with tears, surprising Susan with their suddenness. She stumbled to close the windows and swiped at her eyes with the back of her hand. As she tried to quell the avalanche of sadness, she felt the weight of someones' scrutiny at her back. Susan tried to steady herself and turned around as nonchalantly as possible.

Colin was staring at her, his mouth slightly open. Had she been sobbing? Could he have seen her crying? Her mind raced and time froze. He began to slowly copy again and Susan quickly busied her hands with papers to try and stop the trembling. She hated showing weakness, or talking about personal matters of any sort with students. Her face burned with embarrassment. "Are you almost finished?" she asked the boy. Colin did not respond but instead kept on writing something on his sheet. Susan looked over at his paper with narrowed eyes, he wasn't copying the board at all! "Colin, are you finished? I'd like to clean off the boards", she repeated. Her mind wandered again as she looked at him.

He was a wonderful student, conscientious, polite and very quick witted. He had a great sense of humour and could be gregarious at times - providing the comic relief or little jokes that made the class fun. She had taught him the year before as well. Consequently, they had developed an easy rapport with one another. He was popular enough, but not enough to be snobbish. He was smart but not enough to be arrogant. They often joked or chatted outside of class. He was the sort of boy any girl would want to bring home. She laughed inwardly, she wasn't a girl anymore - but if she had been....

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dublinario

I enjoyed this. In my opinion, you have a very unpretentious writing style, and that conveys a sincerity that I find refreshing.

WunderGirl

Thank you so much, I was beginning to think I might not get any type of critique at all. There is a story behind the story, so your comment on it being sincere is indeed perceptive. If you are interested I can send you the link for what I've written so far.

dublinario wrote: »

I enjoyed this. In my opinion, you have a very unpretentious writing style, and that conveys a sincerity that I find refreshing.

dublinario

Sure, send the link on!

WunderGirl

I've sent it to you! Check your private messages

dublinario wrote: »

Sure, send the link on!

lucyburn

I really liked that,i would love to be able to write as good as you.
Keep up the good work.

gillyfromlyre

Thats marvellous writing, I must pluck up the courage and post some of my stuff some time, the hubby said he'd use my poetry to "wipe his arse" if he ever came across some again he he, i'll write it on sandpaper

Memnoch

Hi,
I found it to be an interesting piece. Just a couple of points..

1. Too many adverbs. In a couple of places you pile on the slowly's, quickly's, hastily's etc. Is there another way you could phrase it?

eg. in the first paragraph things are happening, quickly, hastily and frantically. We get that everyone seems to be in a hurry. But is there another way to express this? You've done a good job with the pencil cases and the backpacks which makes the earlier "quickly" redundant.

2. You're info dumping a lot. As in you are telling us how or what the charecters are rather than showing it let this come out through their actions. Perhaps it's a problem with it being a short story rather a novel.

I know that 'show rather than tell,' is an overused writing cliche, but I suspect it might be something that could apply positively to your writing. Obviously each author has to decide when to do what, info dumping can be good and sometimes vital, but showing creates immersion and draws the reader into the charecter's world.

best of luck with your writing!

WunderGirl

To gillyfromlyre, lucyburn and Memnoch;

Thank you so much for your comments. They are so greatly appreciated. I am thrilled you enjoyed that little piece. This little "story" keep growing in my head and consequently keeps growing in my blog! Part of the reason I still feel like I should keep writing is encouragement such as yours. So thank you very much.

gillyfromlyre: I'd love to see some of your poetry, if you'd like to share it with me!

lucyburn: thank you for your kind words!

Memnonch: Thank you for your critique. I guess I should explain why there is so much "information dumping". I know what you are talking about, and I find it a bit jarring to throw so much into those opening paragraphs. I think part of the reason is, that the story starts at that point, and I needed to give it some context quickly (in light of what happens in the next part). Also, when I began writing I was trying to frantically get everything from my mind onto my blog. Hence, the facts came tumbling out. I also didn't want to dwell too much on her divorce, because I wanted that to be the backdrop, but not the focus. I will definitely look at the adverbs and see if I can simplify.

Also I am wondering whether to write the next few chapters in first person. I find the third person narrative very limiting here. Perhaps I should have Susan in first and the narrator for Colin's point of view.

I do have more of the "story" available if anyone would care to read the blog. Please do let me know if you enjoyed it or if it's terrible or too heavy handed. Thanks in advance, please message me and I'll send it. I'm still too shy to display my writing to all but maybe one day soon!

Cheers,
WunderGirl