miserable

LegacyUser

I missed all my morning classes last week because I couldn't bring myself to get out of bed in the morning. I'm so stressed over college and crap that I can't sleep, and if I do manage to get a few hours I have nightmares about college.

I just feel like nothing. I can't remember the last time I laughed. All the stuff I used to enjoy- reading, films, drawing- I haven't done in ages because they don't make me feel anything. I hardly eat anymore, I just never feel hungry, and anything I do eat just tastes rotten to me. Like I said, I can't sleep. I don't wear makeup anymore or spend time on my hair because I hate looking at myself in the mirror. I feel like I have nothing in the whole world to look forward to- once I'm finished college there'll be the stress of finding a job that has something to do with my course, and there aren't many. I feel like I'm doomed to failure. I fantasise about someone crashing their car into me and killing me so that this will all end. Then I feel guilty because I have no real problems. I should be grateful that I'm privileged enough to have an education. I look at the few friends I have and the people I know in college and see how happy and normal they are and I wish I knew how to be like that.

This has been building up over time really. I don't like the course I'm doing in college and for the last year it's like I've been existing... not doing or feeling anything. It suddenly got worse- I met a guy in the spring and fell for him. He was the only person to ever make me feel worthy of love and other nice things. My first and only boyfriend used to belittle me and tell me how lousy I was when it came to sex and stuff, while this guy told me the complete opposite. Then out of the blue he had to return home (he was from new zealand) and since he's gone back he's gotten together with someone else. I can't stop thinking about how he made me feel and how I'd give anything to feel that way again.

I can't really describe it, as much as I hate to use cliches it feels like I have a dark cloud over me all the time that won't go away and it's stopping me from enjoying or experiencing anything. I hate myself for feeling this way. I've no one to confide in and I don't know what to do... I just can't go on much longer like this, I don't have the energy, I don't have anything to contribute to the world.

LegacyUser

Hi there,

What you're going through now sounds very similar to the situation I was in at this time last year. I was also in a course that I wasn't enjoying and began slipping further into depression. I stopped going into college altogether as I couldn't face it and I got so worked up just thinking about it. But then staying at home on my own didnt do any good and I'd end up getting even more stressed out as I missed more lectures/assignments etc.

The good news is that when you're in college there is a lot of support for students in these situations. But these people aren't going to come looking for you, you need to find them. There should be doctors, counsellors, career advisors available to help you with what you're going through.

Make an appointment to see the college doctor. I know that it can be hard to get yourself to make an effort to do these things. Check out the website, see what info they have on medical services and all you have to do is pick up the phone, get the ball rolling. The doctor can give you advise regarding counselling etc. I also found the doctor in my college very helpful regarding sick certs for missed assignments, which really helped to take some of the pressure off.

Alternatively, you could make an appointment directly with the counsellor. Your college probably has counsellors who deal with students as their full time job. They're used to dealing with these sort of problems.

Be aware that when you finish your course you are not restricted to working in the area that you studied. You can do anything you want. If you can force yourself to finish what you're doing, you will have so many more options. Personally, I left my course as I felt it was the best thing for me but I did find myself restricted when looking for a job as many employers want somebody with a degree, ANY degree. My advice to you would be to stick at your course if you can manage it.

Try not to focus on the past so much. Or stop seeing it so negatively. Ok, your first boyfriend was an asshole. You're well rid of him. And it's a pity that the other guy had to go home but he clearly cared about you and he wouldn't have felt that way about you if you don't "have anything to contribute to the world." Don't dwell on it too much, he liked you and I'm sure other people do too.

I know that right now you feel like you don't have the energy to do anything. The more you miss class the worse it will get. Don't let yourself slip down any further than you already are. Get up, shower, put some make up on, sometimes it can make you feel a bit better, or less crappy. You won't feel like this forever but you need to muster whatever energy you have to make a change. Go see a doctor. There was a point when I the only time I'd leave my house would be to go to the doctor. I've come a long way since then.

Don't try to deal with this on your own. Get help and do it now. Best of luck!

Storm_rages

Hi, i'm sorry you are not feeling great, it may be an idea to talk to someone>

Mr. Presentable

I know it's a cliche OP, but if you smile and behave as though you are happy, put on your make-up, greet the world as if you love it, pretty soon the gloom will actually lift. A lot of how we perceive ourselves comes from how others see us, so, if others see us as happy they want to be associated with that. You get the idea

AARRRGH

The missing lectures bit is just going to make it worse. I am pretty sure if you were on top of things in college you'd be feeling a lot better.

Talk to your college counsellor.

Overheal

I have to agree: skipping classes is just going to pile-on: if you let it go unchecked you'll end up like me last year - you start dreading how far behind you are and then you wonder whats the point if you're going to fail anyway.

After 11 weeks of pretty much not going to class much of at all, I came to the All or Nothing conclusion; got back to class; and spoke with my lecturers about catching up. After the 8 weeks of determined effort I felt great. And I passed with more bravado than most people who were going the whole time managed to do.

I cant say I know how badly the guy thing must be for you*: I know for me I was downed by a recent family death (a rather tragic one) a night-job I hated and needed, and that I had nobody to talk to about any of this because the only people I felt I knew well enough to talk to any of this with were all dealing with their own problems (the death!). So basically I let myself sink into lonely depression. I had some nightmares over college, my life falling apart and more people dying on me. I never went to a counsellor because theyre all priests and im not religious and priests... they just weird me out.

But you need to speak to somebody OP. I've still got little bits and pieces, a year on, that I'll sometimes have to speak out about because I never did so at the time. Get it out and over now because otherwise, such things have a habit of sticking without for a long time.

*Im not terribly experienced in the field of love and heartache; but enough to know that it has its own unique brand of hurt.