Sick of being bullied and dont know where I'm heading.

LegacyUser

Yes i posted another post... but this is the one i think is more important n relevant...

Lately there have been few friends who keep bullying me and trying to get me down all the time. It wasn't too bad at the beginning but later on it became down right annoying and disrespectful. Okay now i tease n slag a few people a little too but i never insult them in front of a whole group of people and when i do slag em, they know i never mean anything i say, i'm just playing n having fun.
But it feels like these "friends" of mine who keep bringing me down do as they mean it. This one girl seems to have made it her ambition to bring me down every time i'm around her n rest of my classmates. She gets around well with her ways and even manages to get the support of rest of my friends too. She's the cool, witty, intelligent one and i'm the crazy freak so everyone should listen to her while i should be completely ignored with everything i say.
Yup, thats pretty much how she's made things for me. She wont sit besides me in any case n she'll try not to let others sit besides me either as i'm "annoying".
Basically at the end of the day they (bullies) makes me look like a complete freak and asks people who hang around with me how they can tolerate me...!

Now lately i've gotten sick of it all so i've stopped hanging around with her n the group of friends i had... As pretty much most of em have stopped taking me seriously and bothering bout me.

By doing so i've lost the friends group i had in coll n i've pretty much ended up as a loner...
Now i don't really know what to do.
I've got a destroyed and tainted image of mine, lack of proper supportive friends and another 5yrs to last in this coll.
I can't seem to fit in anywhere cuz none of my class mates have similar interests and lifestyle as mine (i like extreme sports n i listen to heavy music...).
Though i'm a completely normal guy! I dress normally n i look pretty much normal...
They make fun of me for who i am... n neither do they seem to like much to be left to hang around with me...

So this is me... I don't know what to do.
Try to suck upto the "friends" i've got... or leave n live my independent life n wait for the right people to come across (which seems to be taking forever!)...

Rb

Lost101 wrote: »

leave n live my independent life n wait for the right people to come across (which seems to be taking forever!)...

This seems best.

They're not "friends" if they're acting that way, and anyone who's perception of you is changed by what the others say aren't "friends" either.

gamblitis

Right i take it your in secondary school currently.I can say i know exactly how you feel. Before i came to college i had no friends and no life practically.I lived in the country while all the "mates" i had lived in the town. Now these people made my life hell for 6 years and i will regret for the rest of my life ever hanging around with them. But what you have to realise is that there are people out there or in your school who do have the same interests as you but you just haven't found them yet.Keep searching and you will find the group for you.Just get your head down and work hard at your education and you'll get to college and find friends you never knew could possibly exist! and you can forget all about those **** heads from secondary school.forever like i have done.

LegacyUser

Hi op,
firstly I`d just like to say that I`ve been in a very similar situation. When I was in secondary school I was very close friends with one girl and a couple of others. However, this girl who was supposed to be my best friend suddenly turned on me in 2nd year. She made my life a living hell, made sure that none of the others would talk to me, only her, and if anyone was talking to me she made sure to slag me off or make really hurtful comments about me right in front of me. I wasn`t able to stand up for myself and got so depressed with having no friends I became suicidal.
But I was really young then and I can honestly say I`m glad that I went through something like that, I think i`m probably a much nicer person than i would have been otherwise.
What I think you should remember is that you are a much, much better person than these individuals, and you`re self worth is not defined by what some idiot with a personality problem and no manners or class thinks of you. People like that pick on someone who they perceive as weaker than them, and exclude them so they feel more popular and loved. Doesn`t that just smack of low self esteem?
You have two options. You can switch colleges/schools (not sure if you`re still in school or in college), or you can develop a better circle of friends outside them. I think try the latter first. Join a group or society that you`re interested, you`ll be much more likely to find people who share similar interests. Don`t let them get you down for long, that is the one thing i wish i hadn`t done. Just because you`re different from these silly bullies, does not mean you`re weird, in all likeliness you`re probably a hell of a lot cooler!!
And it really boils down to this - it`s their problem not yours! Best wishes:)

bronte

Don't waste your time with them, as others have said, you won't know yourself when you find some friends that you get on with.
Cut your losses and run.

imeddyhobbs

sounds like Jealousy from some of your peers

take it as a compliment and make more friends.

Latchy

Bullys are basically cowards and the bastards are everywere ,in schools ,colleges and the work place .In the uk there is and anti-bullying campaign at present in schools were a bully box is put in the hall or reception and people can leave their comments and views on the subject in confidence .

Goldenquick

The first thing you should do is talk to your parents. They won't make things worse for you, they'll go about sorting this out in a discreet manner with your school's help.

My daughter was being bullied as recently as 6 weeks ago. We immediately took her out of school, no way would I allow her to be going through that trauma. I wrote to the school and told them my views, they were not actually aware of what was going on and were very shocked. They have been so good with helping her get back into school and talking to her as an equal. This alone has given her a lot of her confidence back.

The school has appointed one teacher to keep an eye out for her discreetly. She meets with her year head once a week, which is not bringing attention to her as a lot of other pupils do this also. She then speaks about anything that is bothering her and they can get a heads up report from her if anything else is happening.

If you feel you can't talk to your parents, print out your post here and show it to them, but please make them aware of what is happening, they will help I promise you and will be glad you told them.

LegacyUser

To clear something out, I'm in college, not secondary school. I'm in med school and its a 5year course. This is my 2nd year in coll. It wasn't great the 1st year in coll, its nothing much better this year apart from the fact i know more people this time around n i have more name sake "friends".

I'm usually not a person that someone can bully and take down. I can stand up for myself pretty well imo. I'm quite a loud person i think though. The people who try to bully me don't succeed in hurting me but they do manage to spoil my image. I've suddenly become a crazy unsociable freak from what i really am.
Now due to that image of mine the rest of the people who don't bully me have stopped bothering bout me. I've stopped hanging around with them too. But its mostly to stop my image from getting damaged more.

Now i don't know if i can be able to change my image back to what i really am. Especially when there are people blowing me off and trying to bring me down all the time.
I've basically stopped caring bout all of them and i've just been living my own life around the people who appreciate and respect me more, my few real friends.
But then i've seemed to have been missing out on whats going on in my coll by secluding myself from the "popular" crowd.
I dont know if i should really be bothered bout it. But i'm scared bout its long term consequences with me ending up all by myself.
This is my coll now and this is where i'm gonna spend the next 5 years in. These are the people i'm gonna be around for a good while and i don't seem to fit in with them.
I could try and find another life outside my coll or i could try to make myself fit in with these people... Or maybe i could just stop bothering completely...!

Overheal

especially if youre the new guy/girl, (especially for guys anyway) the standing group of people... they'll usually try to kick the tyres, so to speak. If you dont stand up to them they keep doing it and come up with worse things to do when those become boring - basically until they figure out how far they can press you until you react. This pattern wont stop until they find something else to amuse them which is more entertaining than you.

If someone is pushing you, push back. If someone takes a slag at you, slag em back. When youre no longer a pushover, they end up stopping. Careful though: push back too hard and it usually ends up in a bad way: usually war.

If you feel its really beyond the stage where you can effectively take this on yourself, look for help (which... you have. welcome to boards.) Take it up with your family: they're really the most help. Remember youre parents have been through school too, and things really havent changed all that much in the social arena over the last 30 years.

the_syco

Lost101 wrote: »

This one girl

The way you talked, I assumed you were a girl, until you said...

Lost101 wrote: »

Though i'm a completely normal guy!

...in which case she seems to be dragging you along.

You seem as if you're trying to be their b|tch accepted by them, they've noticed this, and thus let you hang around with them, only so that they can take the piss out of you.

Lost101 wrote: »

I dress normally n i look pretty much normal...

F**k dressing normal.

Lost101 wrote: »

I can't seem to fit in anywhere cuz none of my class mates have similar interests and lifestyle as mine (i like extreme sports n i listen to heavy music...).

Rock on, my metal brother! Quit trying to fit in, and be yourself. You may be a loner for a few months, but you'll find other lovers of metal, and they'll become your new friends.

Lost101 wrote: »

Try to suck upto the "friends" i've got... or leave n live my independent life n wait for the right people to come across (which seems to be taking forever!)...

Dude, f**k 'em. They ain't your friends. What may seem like forever may be only a few months, and a few months of lonliness is better than 5 years of hell.

gamblitis

I'd say thats about the best way of answering that post.
nice work syco

Ivan

I would echo the comments about speaking to your parents about it. It might be awkward at first but it is worth it in the long run.

I was in a situation where I was bullied regularly at school and I thought, **** them, I'll just live and let live. But they see this as an acceptance that you will take it and they just push harder, trying to find the right buttons to set you off. Until they eventually find it. Before long, after being constantly pushed and pushed you snap and you will find that you will not like the person you become.

This is the kind of thing that can affect you emotionally in the long term and not just while you are school. It can affect the way you interact with groups of people and when making other friends and even in the way you take harmless jibes from your good friends.

I honestly cant stress it enough, it is definitely worth getting it sorted out and the best way to do that is to speak openly about it with your parents. It will take some work on your part to limit how they decide to deal with it as too much can mean that everything will be ok for a while but eventually will return to this state or worse and yet too little and nothing at all will happen.

I think the important part is finding other people (kids) who you can relate to and develop strong friendships with as this goes a long way to providing you with a quintessential bullet-proof armour The ability to ignore them goes a long way to ending their power over your life as once they realise that you have truly stopped caring what they say or do, you'll find they'll lose interest fairly quick.

Your parents can help you do this, more than any teacher or year head can and it will make your life easier in the long run.

echosound

Good replies so far, and good advice. Do try to implement some of it (talking to parents if you're still in secondary etc) Don't let them get you down or try to change to fit in, there's too many sheep already in this world.

I was branded the wierdo at school, for similar reasons (dressed differently, liked different music, was smart so was branded a swot but was also good at physical activities - a bit of a jock - so they were having trouble pigeon-holing me IYKWIM etc) but I didn't get bullied about it as if anyone so much as tried to start sniping, I'd cut them down ASAP with a short sentence and walk away, taking myself out of the situation, more so I wouldn't lose the rag totally and end up getting vicious, rather than trying to get away. I also found a good group of friends who I got on well with, and also had good groups of friends outside of school too, so to all intents and purposes I didn't have to deal with people I didn't like, I just didn't keep their company and got on with my own life.

Remember while school/college feels like your whole life, it really isn't. Get friends outside of school/college (as you probably have already with the extreme sports etc) and you will find it becomes like a job to you - a few hours a day you have to go to this place to get your education, the rest of the time is yours to enjoy how you want.

Stand your ground, if any of these bullies start on you, either simply walk away and don't give them the satisfaction of having you hanging round waiting for more, or give as good as you get and they will soon learn they can't start on you without having you knock them down a few pegs themselves, and chances are your retorts will be a heck of a lot smarter than anything they can come up with.

Stay true to yourself, don't change to suit other's idea of how you should act or dress or be. Remember there are others out there like you too, who will appreciate your interests and you will find them. Take a look back at school, mentally tick off the people who are the "in" crowd, and remember to check back in a few year's time to see where they are with their lives. Chances are you'll be making a good fist of things, as you have the personality, drive and individuality to do what you want to do with your life, whereas the kids who are "popular" in school tend to end up being the ones with humdrum and crappy adult lives, as they were the sheep of this world and end up being sheep as adults too, wondering where they went wrong, while you're off enjoying yourself.

Chances are too that because you are into heavy music and extreme sports, the people who are annoying you are doing so as they just don't get it, it's beyond their comprehension how anyone could like doing things that are a little different to the norm (listening to chart rubbish and hanging round outside shops in towns, whereas you're listening to decent stuff and doing something with your time) and of course if anything if different, incomprehensible to them, etc, it will scare them and the best form of defense is attack, as you are seeing with them.

Be confident in yourself as an individual, and if you start acting like you don't give a rat's ass what they say (not by just nodding and taking it, but by either blasting them back or just ignoring them and walking off) they will realise there's no point saying anything as it just doesn't have the desired effect on you anymore. One of the best things you can do is to laugh at their comments - not a shy nervous laugh, but a good hearty sarcastic laugh at how stupid the remark is, it will make them feel pretty small about themselves if you treat them like the fools they are and they end up looking stupid when you point out how ridiculous and pathetic what they just said was.

Chin up, you will find at least one or two other people that you will click with, and in the meantime, dump these idiots, they're not your friends, and they're not worthy of the title anyway, they are just not worth your time and effort, you're so much better than that.

LegacyUser

Thanks guys...
I've got some amazing advise here and also made me feel better bout who i am.
I know i am different from most other people around me as i don't follow or give in to the mainstream culture. I've got my own individuality and i like to use my free time doing more quality stuff rather than getting drunk in a club like everyone elz around me.
They might call me a weirdo, freak, anti-social, unsociable, but i've realised they don't matter and neither do i need them.

Well, that is how i've been since the past few weeks. I've stopped hanging around with them n all and staying more with the few people whom i've known for a longer time n i get on well with. I just had been having some doubts lately bout drifting away from the "happening" group of my coll and missing out on all the useless things they do. But you guys made me realised i'm going in the right direction.

This is me and this is how i'm gonna be. I'm not gonna change myself or put on a mask for the sake of others. Its upto them if they wanna accept me or not. I don't need em, i'm doing great the way i am. I may be a little by myself n lonely but its better than hanging around with people whom you don't appreciate you.

I usually don't let anyone walk over me. If someone tries to bring me down, i can defend myself fine. Its just lately it feels like everyone's gone against me which had been bothering me. Well, i'm not bothered bout em anymore. I've got my few cool friends n i'm doing fine with my activities.

Thanks guys.
Its just the loneliness that bothers at times though.

echosound

lost101 wrote: »

This is me and this is how i'm gonna be. I'm not gonna change myself or put on a mask for the sake of others. Its upto them if they wanna accept me or not. I don't need em, i'm doing great the way i am. .

Great stuff! this is exactly the point I was trying to make in a really longwinded fashion glad to see you're feeling more positive and have realised that you are worth so much more than to be hanging round with a bunch of assholes who dont' deserve your company or time.
Onwards and upwards from here man!

Overheal

Right on, young sir! Hang on to the thought: the sad truth is it will be tested this week, and the next, and the next. stay the course. In really no time at all it will subside.

Good luck