After 5 years is it the end???

LegacyUser

Hi,

Going unreg for this one. Im engaged to a guy who ive been going out with for 5 years. Ive lived with him for 4 years, we'r now atrating to build a house.

But their a big problem, we'r just not getting on and its been like this for 6months now, he works from 6am til 6/7pm mon-fri and 1/2 day sat so his always tired, he is a sleep always before ten, btw were only in our early 20's. we dont head out clubbing anymore or to the cinema or for a drink. He doesnt text me as much so i dont bother texting him first anymore (used to for ages), he does kiss me evry morning & most evenings & still tells me he loves me.

I do love him but i'm tired of trying o put the spark into things for the last six months and getting no where, we spoke about it yet nothing has changed. Sex is like clock work once midweek if im lucky and once over the wekend, i have a high sex drive and would love sex every day, ive tried improving things in this department by taking control, spontanatuity etc.. nothing has worked. He has even turned me down as his too tired. Which i understand a small bit but rejection is bad.

we went to a family bday party recently then headed out in the town, he went home at 11 as he was tired and had work the following day my sis & bro in law dropped him. i wnt out clubbing and thats when i realised what i was missing, i danced the night away felt wanted as loads of guys chattted me up yet id never even consider looking at some one else and had a great night. i texted my OH a few times which he didnt get untill the morning as he was asleep.

I just dont know what to do im so confused sorry for the long post.

Im an ok looking girl, size 10 tall, i look after my self and keep fit, yet he never complements me anymore and when i point it out he says it for the sake of saying it.

I always tell him i love him & how attracted i am to him etc, his not a bad guy, defo not cheating or anything like that, it just feels like were friends now who occasionally have sex etc.

Any advice appreciated on this, espically before the house build starts as i dont want to make this any harder etc either way.

Can a guy change his ways and try coming out of set routines or will i only waste more months trying myself.

I really do love him.

Thanks

biko

Of course people can change but it's easy to get caught up in the rat race, always working for "a better life tomorrow".
You two should sit down (yet again) and maybe think about what you want to do with your lives. Is the house/car/etc all that important?
Maybe take some time off and go somewhere?
Good luck

Ickle Magoo

I think you both need to evaluate what's going on in your lives & where your priorities are. He may need to cut back on his hours, than may mean renting for a while longer or it could be he needs to get this house built so you need to go easy on him until that happens...

Either way you need to sit him down & have a serious talk about what you want & what you are not getting & see if he can meet you half-way. best of luck

Carrigart Exile

The guy is working 65 hours a week with 6 am starts (means getting up at 5am) no doubt to help build this house which you will enjoy living in. By the sound of it he does need to take a week or two off tho', can you not get away for a cheap break?

gamblitis

Don't mean to rain on your parade or anything but maybe the spark has just died? Neither of ye seem to be making much headway in the sex department.Ok i know you mentioned trying to spice things up but if he hasnt got the idea by now its a bad sign..And whats this about you not bothering to text him first anymore.you seem to have lost interest in that too!maybe he's just too busy at work.I know ya say ya love him n all but can i ask what yis are doing being engaged and building a house in your early twenties?Do you not want to experience the world and see new things and live life to the full.Im 21 and marriage wont be on my to do list for at least another 9 or more years.Get out there and do something youll always remember with your life.I know you say you love him but it mightnt be mutual anymore and there is no point in carrying on in a relationship like that.I was with my gilrfriend for two years practically living together and i got so bored that i lost all interest and just finished it.she said she loved me lots but i felt there as nothing that could be done to revive the relationship.So maybe you should do the same.Think about it k.

Marksie

Ickle magoo is right thatb you should sit and reevaluate.

It seems that you have fallen into a classic rut of routine and taking each other for granted.
and that is the point

It is both of you in this together allowing this to happen.

How is your communication generally, would you both be open to re-evaluation?

Now the routione sex issue is a good indicator of the "rut" you are in. But that can be changed. But it isnt going to happen unless one of you or both of you want it to.
Its about redisciovering intimacy and happens to a lot of long term couples where everything becomes stangnated or the pressures of the "new" society that has developed here preclude anything else.
But lovemaking and intimacy is the bedrock of the relationship. You have taken the initiative it seems and he is not responding. Others aro gong to give you advice on trying to recaputure what you once had iand take any of it you fancy.

But get to the basics of it, find out what are the issues affecting him and you and both of you and try to rediscover intimacy rather than just sex (oh on the tiredeness rejection thing, do try to accept it he is probably very tuired).

I think you two have to have that heart to heart and sort things out.

ONe thing that stood out for me was the fact you begian describing yourself and you looks, in almost a i am good looking I could go out and find something better than this, type scenario.
Things are coming to a head for you aren't they?

Before it gets to teh point of no return, siuuch that indifference takes overr, then sit down, with mediation if necessary and begin to sort things out.

Continue to take the initiaive in the bedrom as well, the worst thing you could s do is chuck the towel in there.
But the both of you will have to sit and look at whats important.

Rb

Stop being so self-centered. He's stayed by you for 5 years, is now working his arse off to earn a good living and build a house for the two of you to live in.
Of course he'll be tired and not wanting to do much.

Actually, break up with him. You don't seem to be able to put up with the stressful/tiring times (lol, 6 out of the 60 months you've been together) with him and it'd be sick to see you get up on the alter and promise to stay with him "for better and for worse" when you can't even handle him working overtime and being tired.

the_syco

rb_ie wrote: »

Stop being so self-centered. He's stayed by you for 5 years, is now working his arse off to earn a good living and build a house for the two of you to live in.
Of course he'll be tired and not wanting to do much.

Actually, break up with him. You don't seem to be able to put up with the stressful/tiring times (lol, 6 out of the 60 months you've been together) with him and it'd be sick to see you get up on the alter and promise to stay with him "for better and for worse" when you can't even handle him working overtime and being tired.

100% agreed. OP: ask him, once he gets the house, would he cut his hours a bit, so that you'd have more time together?

MagicMarker

rb_ie wrote: »

Stop being so self-centered. He's stayed by you for 5 years, is now working his arse off to earn a good living and build a house for the two of you to live in.
Of course he'll be tired and not wanting to do much.

Actually, break up with him. You don't seem to be able to put up with the stressful/tiring times (lol, 6 out of the 60 months you've been together) with him and it'd be sick to see you get up on the alter and promise to stay with him "for better and for worse" when you can't even handle him working overtime and being tired.

+ 2

OP: Fair enough your relationship may not be fantastic at the minute but it's quite clear why!! This guy is working his bollox off for you, giving you a home. I'm sure if he could he would happily work 9-5 and meet your sexual demands but that doesn't appear to be an option at the minute. In fact he's doing well at twice a week!!

I agree that some kind of compromise should be made for you to have some time together, but i also think you're being a little too demanding and should be more supportive.

One thing that you should try and organise is to have one night a week where you go out and do something, be it dinner or a movie or both.

LegacyUser

Hi Thanks for the replys,

I want to make a few points that i didnt earlier, his hours are not this long because of building the house these are his hours since we first started going out 5years ago. I work long hours also. Money isnt an issue so he isnt working his ass off to build "me" a house as others have said. We both got a mortgage and are paying it equally so it isnt him just building a house. We both are.

Their isnt any fianical stress on us as we've saved a lot of money our selves and our families have been good to us. Basically he has no choice in the hours he works, if he doesnt show up he'll get sacked simple as, (constuction industry), also he likes his job and has really good mates that we both get on with so he is happy out.

I asked him last night for a chat when we were on our own, before i could say anything he spoke first and we had a heart to heart, the dark mornings and evenings make him twice as tired than before, work is all go at the mo, his apoolgised for his lack of interest in us so on. i spoke with him and said i didnt want our sex life to be the big issue and that id be more concernced about his health so on as he looks pale at the mo. Today we both rang in sick and spent the day at home in front of the fire just chatting about everything, we both fell alseep even for over an hour.

We have agreed to concentrate on just each other for a while and relaxing together and then if things progress then great but i dont want to rush it. We even held hands for the first time in ages and were cuddly etc.

Weve always been able to chat etc, but i was wrong too by not trying to keep it alive myself but we now both know that it takes two to work at it together, were still both very much in love and enjoyimg each others company etc.

Originally Posted by rb_ie
Stop being so self-centered. He's stayed by you for 5 years, is now working his arse off to earn a good living and build a house for the two of you to live in.
Of course he'll be tired and not wanting to do much.

Actually, break up with him. You don't seem to be able to put up with the stressful/tiring times (lol, 6 out of the 60 months you've been together) with him and it'd be sick to see you get up on the alter and promise to stay with him "for better and for worse" when you can't even handle him working overtime and being tired.

Btw i just wanted to say this has opened my eyes on some members attitudes assuming i was a woman of leisure and he was breaking his ass off for me, that is not the case.also i never forced him to stay with me get a life thats a ludicrious statement to make!!! were both independent and work for ourselves firstly and secondly towards both of our future.i was not self centered or anything of the kind, i did try for over 6 months from romantic dinners, cinema, bedroom treats, fun, etc.... It just happened that when i asked for a chat on our own and that we needed one, he happened to know what i was thinking and we realised we'd Both let things get to that stage.


Also their is nothing wrong with being engaged and building a home while ur in your early twenties, we dont plan on getting married until were in our thirties, we also travelled alot already and have seen plenty of the work both togther and seperately.


But its all sorted now, thanks a mill to those for the positive comments.