Falling for my best friend

LegacyUser

Basically I've been best friends with a guy for a couple of years now, we're very close, talk all the time, and care a lot for each other. The trouble is I think my feelings are getting stronger for him, and i need to try and stop this as I'm already in a serious relationship. I really don't want to feel this way about him, as i know nothing can ever come of it and it is completely wrecking my head. So if anyone has any advice to offer, or has experienced the same, I'd really like to hear it

SarahSassy

UnregGirl44 wrote: »

Basically I've been best friends with a guy for a couple of years now, we're very close, talk all the time, and care a lot for each other.

You should be describing your partner with this sentence not your 'friend'.... You are allowing this to happen by spending so much time and being so 'close' to him.

Its pretty obvious that you need to keep your distance from him if you want to save your relationship.

Yellow Snow

I was in a similar situation. Was in a serious relationship for a few years and then started college. Became great friends with a girl and totally fell for her. Ended up kissing her one night near the end of the first year and long story short, she's been my girlfriend for 5 years now!! Great for me but horrible for my ex. I broke her heart and lost a great friend.

So thread very carefully OP. In hindsight, my ex wasn't the right girl for me and i'm happier now than I ever thought I could be. But it could've backfired... I could've ended up losing my ex, not working out with my friend and losing BOTH as friends.

You said yourself, you know nothing can come of a relationship with your friend. But is that because you love your current boyfriend too much to hurt him... Or because you know your friend isn't interested in you that way?? It's not just your own feelings you're dealing with, so be careful!

Good luck!

LegacyUser

"You said yourself, you know nothing can come of a relationship with your friend. But is that because you love your current boyfriend too much to hurt him... Or because you know your friend isn't interested in you that way??"

Subsitute the word 'husband' for 'boyfriend' and you got your answer
I've no doubt I'm with the person i'm supposed to be with, but my problem is getting these thoughts out of my head..

SarahSassy

Stop talking to him all the time and replace the closeness you have with him with closeness to your husband.... You are standing on quicksand here ..

RebelButtMunch

Id say that whatever communication breakdown is between you and your partner your directly filling in with your friend....

Try to find a way to start communicating again and try not to be alone with your friend, that might make it more like a friendship than a platonic affair

LegacyUser

Thanks guys that's good advice from all..
Trouble is after spending the weekend with him it's just getting worse and worse! But i really don't want to have to cut down the contact with him, and i don't think he'd want that either. I wish i didn't feel like this..

Mighty_Mouse

Talk to yer mate. Ya never know he might feel the same.
Even if he doesnt & things go belly-up; ya cant maintain a "friendship" under current circumstances.
Anyways the poor naive plonker of a boyfriend deserves better.

Brown_Eyed_Girl

UnregGirl44 wrote: »

Subsitute the word 'husband' for 'boyfriend' and you got your answer
I've no doubt I'm with the person i'm supposed to be with, but my problem is getting these thoughts out of my head..

If you were REALLY sure that you were with the person you are supposed to be with you wouldnt have these feelings for your friend. Something is missing in the relationship for you to have these feelings.

You said you are friends for many years, have you honestly only started having these feelings now, and do you have any ideas of his feelings for you ?

These situations are really tough and I know just how hard it can be

LegacyUser

Brown_Eyed_Girl wrote: »

You said you are friends for many years, have you honestly only started having these feelings now, and do you have any ideas of his feelings for you ?

I suppose the feelings have been coming and going over the past year. As far as his feelings are concerned, well I've no idea, but he's a decent guy so if he did have any i would imagine he would keep them to himself. So i guess they are irrelevant!

Brown_Eyed_Girl

Nobodies feelings are irrelevant and you have had a relationship with this guy for many years.

Would you feel any different about the situation if he felt the same ?

LegacyUser

Brown_Eyed_Girl wrote: »

Nobodies feelings are irrelevant and you have had a relationship with this guy for many years.

Would you feel any different about the situation if he felt the same ?

That's a good question. And one i have thought about from time to time. Even if i was single and something came of it, I really don't think it'd last, as although we get on so well, I don't think we'd be quite as compatable as the man i'm married to. I think the problem, apart from him understanding me so well, is that i am incredibly attracted to him, and can't help fantasizing 'what if..'. So i guess i would love the opportunity of being in a relationship with him, but not at the cost of my marriage. Although i've done nothing wrong, and i don't plan on doing anything wrong, I can't help feeling guilty at the extremely close platonic relationship we have. We are both quite loving, affectionate people which i feel isn't quite appropriate behaviour. Or maybe it is on his part because that's where the feelings end. Brown Eyed Girl you mentioned before that you understood how difficult a situation like this could be. Have you been in a similar situation and if so how did it work out?

Brown_Eyed_Girl

Yes I have been in and am still in a similiar situation, and it is an on-going situation for me. I too feel guilty about the close friendship that I have with this person, I have a very close emotional bond with this person that I am not prepared to give up.

How long are you married ?

Overheal

UnregGirl44 wrote: »

Although i've done nothing wrong, and i don't plan on doing anything wrong, I can't help feeling guilty at the extremely close platonic relationship we have. We are both quite loving, affectionate people which i feel isn't quite appropriate behaviour. Or maybe it is on his part because that's where the feelings end.

Why should you feel guilty about a platonic relationship? Is it truly platonic, ie. non-sexual? You've been friends for years - was there some incident that got you thinking this way?



In most cultures such relationships are actually quite common - its just been viewed as a taboo in the West... because, well I dont know. I could sit here and spit out long winded theories all day - maybe it has something to do with the way we define love in language: in some languages you may have dozens of terms for many different kinds of love. The point im trying to make here is, OP, do think maybe its just that youre confused as to how to define your relationship with your friend? It sounds to me like somewhere along the line the line got blurred from being a Platonic Relationship to a Platonic Love and then from there... what? Is that what it is? Is that where it ends?

In my own humble opinion there is no reason why you cant be in Love with your Husband and still have Platonic Love for your best friend, and for that matter Brotherly/Sisterly Love, Parental Love, etc. I beleive that every relationship we are capable of having (wether it be brotherly, motherly, best friend, mentor, a song, a partner, god, cheese!) has the potential to reach the height of Love, and not just 'relationship'.

I hope this helps ... I hope even more that it makes sense

Pyjamarama

You say you spend a lot of time with your friend. How much time do you spend with your husband?

I totally agree that you can have platonic love for your friend but it should end at that. Are these feelings the result of something lacking in your relationship with your husband over the past year? Has something changed that you suddenly feel this way after years of friendship? Is this friend providing something your husband is not?

SarahSassy

Why did you spend the weekend with him?

I think if this was a guy posting he would be lambasted for what he is doing to his wife... Your behaviour is not acceptable. You are effectively lying to your husband and being unfaithful even thought you havent (yet) dont anything physical with your friend.

LegacyUser

SarahSassy I spent time over the weekend with him as i did with many other friends. That's all I meant. And my husband was with us too. And there is no need to put the word 'yet' in brackets because i will not be ever doing anything physical. I am not a cheat or a liar and I have no intention of becoming one. I didn't ask to feel like this, but as Overheal pointed out maybe I have no reason to. By the way Overheal no incident happened between us to make me feel this way, and Brown Eyed Girl, sorry to hear you are going through the same thing, in answer to your question I am married 2 years and with him many years beforehand.

Overheal

I have to agree: you cant disclude your husband from this issue.

LegacyUser

Can we just be clear, my original post said i WANT to stop these feelings. I don't want to be feeling like this. I understand that it is unacceptable, in so far as if it were my husband this close to a female friend, even though there was nothing happening between them, i'd still have a major problem with it.

Overheal

Then you need to start by talking to your Best Friend.

Brown_Eyed_Girl

Do you think you could live without your best friend in your life if it came to it ?

LegacyUser

I suppose I could, but like you were saying about your own situation, I really don't want to have to give such a good friend up like that. But also, since he's part of my group of friends, we're all twenty somethings, it's not like I'd be able to go long without seeing him around.

Overheal wrote: »

Then you need to start by talking to your Best Friend.

I did briefly try that, but i kinda hit a blank wall with him. He doesn't really see a problem with the way things are and is totally against ending our friendship.

Overheal

I would never suggest ending the friendship; such relationships are far too important to be erased once one of you cross over some emotional line.

How far did you get in talking to him? I know it can be hard to express your feelings to someone (it is for me!) but I think you need to come out and get it all out there with your friend. Bottling it up for as long as you have seems to be doing you some emotional damage.

From what I've read, it sounds like you genuinely Love him, platonically. Ask yourself the hard questions though; DO you Love him? How do you love him? Are you longing for intimacy here? Physical closeness? Do you spend more time with your friend (socially) than your husband? Are you more open and honest with him? It reads as if you've wondered about such things. That curiosity is likely the source of your confusion.

I have to ask though: you havent mentioned your husband very much at all: it would help us to paint a better picture here. Writing out your feelings for your husband might be therapeutic anyway. Hopefully, it should make things clearer for you. And for us care to elaborate?

LegacyUser

Overheal wrote: »

I would never suggest ending the friendship; such relationships are far too important to be erased once one of you cross over some emotional line.

How far did you get in talking to him? I know it can be hard to express your feelings to someone (it is for me!) but I think you need to come out and get it all out there with your friend. Bottling it up for as long as you have seems to be doing you some emotional damage.

From what I've read, it sounds like you genuinely Love him, platonically. Ask yourself the hard questions though; DO you Love him? How do you love him? Are you longing for intimacy here? Physical closeness? Do you spend more time with your friend (socially) than your husband? Are you more open and honest with him? It reads as if you've wondered about such things. That curiosity is likely the source of your confusion.

I have to ask though: you havent mentioned your husband very much at all: it would help us to paint a better picture here. Writing out your feelings for your husband might be therapeutic anyway. Hopefully, it should make things clearer for you. And for us care to elaborate?

I love my husband very much. We're married for a couple of years and together since we were teenagers. He's been nothing but loving, caring and 100% commited, ever since we started going out together. I suppose if i were to find fault, it would be that he tends to be a bit closed off at times. Which is probably where the problem lies..
In answer to your questions Overheal, yes i do love my friend platonically. But yes i do also have a sort of longing for intimacy with him. And I really hate thinking about him with other girls! While i'd mainly see him within a group of friends, or at the very least with my husband too, i would talk to him most days, be it on the phone, text, online etc. Yes i am more open and honest with him. However i may feel about him, i realise that he's in no way perfect, i'm not blinded by anything, and some of these things about him only reinforces the fact that my husband is the one for me. So I don't know why it is that i'm feeling this way about him.