sex problem

LegacyUser

I'm unreg for this one.

I have a problem. My boyfriend and I have been through the wars a bit. We are back together following a break up and a few other things. we are committed and we really love each other. But I don't want to have sex with him. Its not his fault. He is attractive, and patient. We used to have great sex a few years back but its gone. Its also not my libido. After our break up we were both in other relationships for awhile. But we're back together because we love each other and want it to work. It feels like we are now just really good friends. He's become shy of initiating sex now. And maybe I don't see him as a lover anymore. We still do it about once every two weeks. Mostly cause I feel guilty. But I'm not really 'there'. This is a long term relationship (we've known each other years and been on/off in that time but most problems are sorted out now) and we have big plans for the future. But I'm not sure its right for us to continue without proper sex. Everything else works between us. Should I just let this relationship go?
Please help.

Cathmandooo

I'll simplify it, I'm sure others will disagree though

Every relationship is different

Can he cope with having a sexless relationship / marriage? Have you discussed it with him?
Can you cope without having sex?

If you're both sure you can do without then whatever works for you both you should go with! Bear in mind it could be for life........

Miss Fluff

Let it go and stay friends.

nomorebadtown

sounds like a sham of a relationship to me.

you care for eachother but if there is no spark, no vava voom...it cant be great can it? dont mean to be rude but if after 2 weeks your not dying to tear into eachother and get into some thoroughly nasty headboard abuse, there is something very wrong if you ask me. you said it yourself, "just good friends"...i think you know the answer, sorry

AngryBadger

Cathooo wrote: »

I'll simplify it, I'm sure others will disagree though

Every relationship is different

Can he cope with having a sexless relationship / marriage? Have you discussed it with him?
Can you cope without having sex?

If you're both sure you can do without then whatever works for you both you should go with! Bear in mind it could be for life........

+1

LadyJ

Can you see yourself being happy without any sex at all? Can you see yourself being happy to have sex because you feel guilty?

It can work if you really want it to but it seems to be quite unfair to both of you tbh. There are other people out there who will tick all the boxes for you, you just have to be willing to keep looking.

You can still have a great friendship but imo, more than that is need for a marriage/relationship to satisfy you.

LegacyUser

TBH I don't think its right for us to settle for no sex. Its just that in the years we've been together apart we've been through so much - a miscarriage, bad behaviour (his), an affair (mine), commitment issues, a separation (or two), and now we're both finally in the right place, never fight and love each other very much. Its really sad that after everything we've been through sex is the thing that really breaks us (and he still wants it). Escpecially cause we used to have great sex. Is there no hope? Sorry maybe I just don't want face this problem.

LadyJ

Anon Lady wrote: »

. Is there no hope?

Do you think there is?

No one else can really answer that.

You both have needs and if they aren't being met then you have a problem. Time to face up to it. Not easy but would you rather go on knowing that you're only living half the life you deserve?

Spoony2

if you like each other would you not go see a sex theripist?

Marksie

Anon Lady wrote: »

TBH I don't think its right for us to settle for no sex. Its just that in the years we've been together apart we've been through so much - a miscarriage, bad behaviour (his), an affair (mine), commitment issues, a separation (or two), and now we're both finally in the right place, never fight and love each other very much. Its really sad that after everything we've been through sex is the thing that really breaks us (and he still wants it). Escpecially cause we used to have great sex. Is there no hope? Sorry maybe I just don't want face this problem.

Well dont give up without exploring every possibility.

Have you fully resolved the above issues between yourselves?. so you will have to face this if you want to overcome it.

One thing that strikes me, and where i am coming from is that you have lost the intimacy aspect of your relationship.
Perhaps lost sight even of what made the two of you tick in the first place. That is actually more common than you, or I, would like to believe.

many People believe that sex=intimacy, it doesn't. in your case you are going through the motions to keep your partner happy, but not using it as thenoding experience it should be. Would that be a good summary?

OK, now, i come from a tantra background, its not as oesteric or as wild as people make out. In its first basic instance it is about establishing and reestablishing the connection to both your sexual self and the sexual connectedness with your partner. How it does that is immaterial. But the principle of it is what i am trying to get across.

You need to rediscover the intimacy you once had with your partner. Turn each other back from good friends to lovers.

Part of it involves honestly looking at yourselves and detrmining what has happened to have caused this lack of intimacy.
Another aspect is looking at each other and seeing where as a couple you lost the intimacy.

It then involves going back and rediscovering each other. Clearing all the crap that has built up between the two of you over the years. Going back to the basics and rebuilding from there.
It will require honesty, bravery, a willingness to accept and a willingness to communicate... on both your parts.
It wont be easy and it may seem like you are going nowhere for a while. But give it your best shot and then you can say you tried everything in your power.
It could be as simple as going back to "dating", or as complex as involved honouring ceremonies.
The point is its a start in rediscovering what has been lost. But the two of you do it having opened, dropped your defenses and shown vulnerability to each other. WITHOUT the expectations that things should be returned. You just open emotionally and let it simply BE and exist.

Its a complex thing i am trying to communicate and this isn't the best medium. But making the first step and admitting that this is the issue is the hardest and it is to your partner that you muts do this.
Not negatively or by indicating its a closed door, but by saying we are on different paths, and that you want them to come together again.

Edit: so your title is slightly off kilter, the problem isnt sex, the problem is intimacy and connection

davyjose

Anon Lady wrote: »

I'm unreg for this one.

I have a problem. My boyfriend and I have been through the wars a bit. We are back together following a break up and a few other things. we are committed and we really love each other. But I don't want to have sex with him. Its not his fault. He is attractive, and patient. We used to have great sex a few years back but its gone. Its also not my libido. After our break up we were both in other relationships for awhile. But we're back together because we love each other and want it to work. It feels like we are now just really good friends. He's become shy of initiating sex now. And maybe I don't see him as a lover anymore. We still do it about once every two weeks. Mostly cause I feel guilty. But I'm not really 'there'. This is a long term relationship (we've known each other years and been on/off in that time but most problems are sorted out now) and we have big plans for the future. But I'm not sure its right for us to continue without proper sex. Everything else works between us. Should I just let this relationship go?
Please help.

Says it all really - ask yourself would you like to see one of your best friends in this boat? Would you advise them to move on? Because assuming you would (and I think you would), then maybe you should take your own advice.