what should i do ?

LegacyUser

Hi Guys,
I am so confused, I don’t know what to do. You know the way sometimes you are so caught up in situation, you can’t recognize what is normal and what’s not. I have been together with my partner for about 10 years. Most of the time, we get on pretty well and we do love each other but when we row, we really row.
He has his own business, which puts him under a lot of pressure, i can understand but lately i am made feel almost responsible for this – i have a regular job with a regular income, which i think he resents but he is happy to borrow money from me every now and then, which he is slow enough to pay back. It’s not the money though that bothers me, it’s the attitude. He has lately taking to going off for a few days break, leaving me with issues concerning his business to deal with – small stuff like picking up mail, filing orders, stuff that doesn’t take much time but makes me resentful and i know how bad that sounds.
I have really supported him over the years but it’s all for nothing. A few weeks ago, we went for a bank loan for his business, which was turned down because he refused to accept the original loan he applied for but expected the manager to say here’s another 10k because i had since the original application, agreed to act as gurantor. When i told him afterwards, he hadn’t given me the full facts, he flipped and in the ensuing row, broke my small finger – there were two of us involved in this. I make him sound terrible in this, i know, but he really a good guy when not under pressure but at the moment, i don’t know how much more i can take of feeling just like an appendage to someone else , wondering when or why they’re going to get angry next. I have concentrated on all the bad stuff here and when things are really good, they are really really good. I just don’t know what to think any more. I feel that if we could talk about things and help each other things would be fine but he just clams up and that's it. I actually enjoy now when he is gone away for a few days and then feel guilty about it. The really sad thing is we are getting married next week but the way i feel at the moment, it's the last thing i want to do. Anyone any ideas ?

K_P

frustrated wrote: »

Hi Guys,
I am so confused, I don’t know what to do. You know the way sometimes you are so caught up in situation, you can’t recognize what is normal and what’s not. I have been together with my partner for about 10 years. Most of the time, we get on pretty well and we do love each other but when we row, we really row.
He has his own business, which puts him under a lot of pressure, i can understand but lately i am made feel almost responsible for this – i have a regular job with a regular income, which i think he resents but he is happy to borrow money from me every now and then, which he is slow enough to pay back. It’s not the money though that bothers me, it’s the attitude. He has lately taking to going off for a few days break, leaving me with issues concerning his business to deal with – small stuff like picking up mail, filing orders, stuff that doesn’t take much time but makes me resentful and i know how bad that sounds.
I have really supported him over the years but it’s all for nothing. A few weeks ago, we went for a bank loan for his business, which was turned down because he refused to accept the original loan he applied for but expected the manager to say here’s another 10k because i had since the original application, agreed to act as gurantor. When i told him afterwards, he hadn’t given me the full facts, he flipped and in the ensuing row, broke my small finger – there were two of us involved in this. I make him sound terrible in this, i know, but he really a good guy when not under pressure but at the moment, i don’t know how much more i can take of feeling just like an appendage to someone else , wondering when or why they’re going to get angry next. I have concentrated on all the bad stuff here and when things are really good, they are really really good. I just don’t know what to think any more. I feel that if we could talk about things and help each other things would be fine but he just clams up and that's it. I actually enjoy now when he is gone away for a few days and then feel guilty about it. The really sad thing is we are getting married next week but the way i feel at the moment, it's the last thing i want to do. Anyone any ideas ?

Could this be a major part of the problem, perhaps?

estar

i am so sorry to hear that at a time when you should be relaxing
and taking it easy before your wedding, that you are stressing
and fretting over your partners business and your future together.

i am also sorry to hear about your little finger!!! you are very forgiving.
i dont know would I be. you dont give details about how it was broken.
he might not have meant to, but a little finger is hard to break unless
you are actually trying to restrain someone, or pulling someone.

can i just say that even if he didnt mean it and lost his temper
that it is not appropriate for either a man or a woman to physically
attack, restrain or fight with another person unless it is in self defence.
if i was a friend of yours i would be very worried.

re the business. personally unless you have a share of the profits
you should not be investing. just because you are married does not
mean you are now defacto guarantor of your husband. he should
justify the investment to you like an independant party.
unless you are on the payroll i dont think you should be running
his business for him while he gets away more than once or twice
a year. max.

he sounds like he is in trouble with the business, on the basis that
the bank refused the original loan without a guarantor. financial
problems cause massive stress. he sounds like he is under a lot
of stress.

solutions.

for the business - financial advisor. he needs to see his accountant
and make out a realistic plan to finance his business. if the news
is bad an advisor qualified can help. the bank have advisors
that help in planning. an accountant can also. throwing more money
at a business losing money without fixing the issues that caused the
need for the extra loan is financial suicide.

for the stress - rather than taking a few days off, he should face
the business problems head on. he also needs to learn how to manage
the stress without blowing up, taking off or losing his temper. stress management might be an option.

for you - i dont know you or your partner. i dont know how unlike
him it is to lose his temper and break your finger. you say you make
him sound bad by saying that. you dont make him sound bad.
he makes him sound bad. you didnt break his little finger back.
unless it was a freak accident, what he did is wrong. at this stage
you probably arent going to delay or postpone the marraige.

but you have two big issues that can make or break a marraige.
possible financial problems, and a partner that loses his temper
and cant communicate.

they can be solved, but you need to face them honestly together.
personally i would go ahead with the wedding day if my partner
made appointments to see a financial advisor - and now that you
have invsted in the business brings you along.
and also makes an appointment to go to councilling with you
or stress management himself to discuss how your finger got
broken if it was not an accident.

if he refused these two appointments, then i dont know would
i be going up that aisle until he did. thats me, though, you
must do what you feel is right for you.

best of luck.