First relationship blip - Want it resolved so much

LegacyUser

Hey everyone. I've thus far resisted posting on PI because I feel a little uncomfortable, but I'm gone beyond my ends wit and I need all the advice I can get.

Basically, as the thread title suggests, my girlfriend and I have run into our first hiccup and it's really just eating me up because the thought of us not recovering from it is killing me. We're both early 20's, and this is my first proper relationship.

We've been going out now for around a year and a half, and as far as I was concerned, things couldn't have been rosier. We met in work, where we both started the same time (in a big supermarket, so we started together in a group of 20 or so, and being the only two in the same age bracket we naturally started talking) and we just hit it off straight away. Long story short, I was crazy about her and after about a year we started going out. Now, in that year we became so close and we were practically best friends before we started going out. I was happy with that, but things were slightly awkward initially as we just found our feet as a couple. But we really did, and the last year and a half has been great. This whole situation has been so spontaneous, even she admits that it hasn't been a gradual thing.

About a month ago, we made plans for Christmas. We decided to go away for a weekend, because we'd previously gone away to London for a weekend for our anniversary and we had a blast. That was grand - we got it sorted, booked flights and hotel, and by all accounts we were both looking forward to it.

Then last monday she texted me, in a bit of a state, saying that she was hit with several deadlines in college, all falling in the first week in january. She said she wasn't sure she could go. Naturally I was pretty gutted, but I understood. We saw each other a couple of days later, after planning to meet up - I thought she was just going to say sorry for having to bail on the holiday and we'd move on - couldn't have been further from the truth.

Apparently, while the college thing was true, that there were loads of other things wrong. She started talking about feeling claustrophobic and generally, just in a state of panic. I'll try to make this short because so many things were said, but the two main things to come out of the conversation was 1) She was questioning us as a couple, wondering if sometimes we acted more like friends than boyfriend and girlfriend and 2) She was slightly freaked about the future.

Re: the first one, that really hit me hard because I just didn't agree, or see where she was coming from. She said she looked at other couples and wondered if we acted like couples should, do we show enough affection etc. I get a little self conscious in public about these sorts of things, so I can see where she's coming from there, but I always felt that in private there was never a lack of affection.

About the second one, she says she says while she's happy now, she worries about a time when we'll get sick of each other. She's in her second last year of college, I'm in my last (but could well be doing a masters when I finish) so we both know that neither of our lives are going to be changing dramatically in the foreseeable future, and she's worried that it means our relationship isn't going to change either and everything will become mundane.

So there are the two recurring themes in this whole mess - we met up tonight properly for the first time since that night to try to sort it out, but things were still left in the air as much as they were before. I told her she could have as much time as she needed to think things through, even if that meant no contact for a few days. But I'm afraid if we do that we won't come back from it. We also tip-toed around the idea of doing the opposite and just getting away together for a night or two (I actually have a B&B voucher that I won in a competition not yet used) but I'm not sure if that'd be so appropriate in the current climate. We said we'd both sleep on things and talk tomorrow.

I'm so sick at the thought of our relationship ending. Things still haven't sank in, because the whole thing has been so sudden - we were so happy two weeks ago. She says she gets a little claustrophobic from time to time (with everything in her life, not just us) and that the smallest thought of something being wrong sets off a panic. Apparently she felt like this in january as well, to a slightly lesser extent, but managed to overcome it without bringing it up.

I feel so damn low, trying to get by in my other everyday activities is all I can do not to go completely out of my mind. But whatever I do, this is just staying at the forefront of my thoughts and it's so hard. Sorry for the long post, thanks to anyone who managed to read it all.

seamus

It's natural enough for people to freak out about relationships, particularly when they're younger.

At the base of her mind she's thinking - is this right? Is this the relationship I'm going to be in for the rest of my life, or is there another one which may work better? She's probably looking at her age. Many people think that once you leave college, you're entering "settling down" age, that you should be with the person you're going to marry and planning to go that way. In her head perhaps, if she doesn't resolve it before she leaves college, the opportunity to see what's out there has been lost.

People handle this freak out differently. Some people bail on the relationship, others try to turn down the heat, others resolve it in their own head.

In my experience, women are more likely to vocalise their concerns and attempt to turn down the heat (suggesting "breaks" or "time off"), whereas men are more likely to try to resolve it themselves or sabotage the relationship, forcing the woman to break up meaning that it was "never meant to be".

togster

seamus wrote: »

It's natural enough for people to freak out about relationships, particularly when they're younger.

At the base of her mind she's thinking - is this right? Is this the relationship I'm going to be in for the rest of my life, or is there another one which may work better? She's probably looking at her age. Many people think that once you leave college, you're entering "settling down" age, that you should be with the person you're going to marry and planning to go that way. In her head perhaps, if she doesn't resolve it before she leaves college, the opportunity to see what's out there has been lost.

People handle this freak out differently. Some people bail on the relationship, others try to turn down the heat, others resolve it in their own head.

In my experience, women are more likely to vocalise their concerns and attempt to turn down the heat (suggesting "breaks" or "time off"), whereas men are more likely to try to resolve it themselves or sabotage the relationship, forcing the woman to break up meaning that it was "never meant to be".

So true. I jave been here before. Reolve yourself to the fact that if it works out it will make you stronger as a couple.

Shellie13

im not sure about the freaking out elemant but comparing yourself to other couples is futile- each relationship is unique.

What you need to figure out is
1) Are ye both happy together?
2) Are you happy with how the relatioship works? ie do you both enjoy your time togther?
3) Do either of you want anything more?

Thos could help you both figure out if the relationship is right for ye-disgard other peoples influence because youll only stress over it!

fuzzywiggle

Give her time, space or whatever she wants. If she truely loves you she will want to be with you and if she doesn't she won't. I know that sounds harsh but that's the truth of it. Maybe if you give her a bit of a cooling off period she'll realise how much she's missed you and wants to be with you or she may realise the opposite. Either way let her make up her mind without pressure, she'll respect you for it and you'll know where you stand then. Good luck