The Last Person I'm Shy Around...........

From a position of having low self-esteem in my school-days, I have now worked my way up to a more confident, less shakable me. I can talk with anyone, have received phone numbers from girls on the LUAS, and am in general enjoying my 5am-1pm, 4 days on two off, one day of college on a day off, life in the Big City. Now, I'm not pushed about finding women yet, and I beleive I can follow through with it.

But, in all of this confidence, comes a nub. There are two people around which I revert to type. One was my first aid instructor, who, in my bad days, I always wanted to not think of me as an idiot, or worse, deliberately acting like one. We sometimes misunderstand each other, and it's as if I'm on a different wavelength to his chain of thinking. It's not a major problem, a simple matter of concentration and diction on my part.

The first aid group I was a member of before I moved to the big city was the catylist for me coming out of my shell. It was a group of people who I hung around with, and they helped me gain speaking confidence. However, they never seem to be pleased to see me. Before, when I was fearful, I allowed them to have their own conversations and simply listen in. I am more confident now, but the conversation is the same. I listen and they talk to each other, sometimes to me.

This is a matter of me having to speak up and say things. They are a great bunch of people, and I would like to keep going to them.

These I think I can deal with.

The second person is a woman who I have fancied intensely for 3 years at least. She is someone who was in the first aid group i attended, and then went to do other things in another part of the country. She still keeps tabs on the first aid group I'm in, and would come out with us every few months or so. When she does, it's like rolling back the years to second year, secondary school, my lowest ebb. I am unable to relax in her presence, even though that is what I want to do most of all. It's pretty much a well-known fact I have the hots for her among the group, and after I tried last year with trying to explain myself, she keeps me at arm's length and doesn't feel comfortable in my presence (My own fault, I accused her of ignoring me, she was shocked, I apologised and said "I think I have romantic thoughts about you, give me a few months then we can get on talking terms again....").

That was a year ago, and I still second-guess myself when doing anything around her. Talking to her, Beboing her, MSNning her, I fear doing anything wrong in her eyes. It's gone well so far until last Saturday, when she was doing a sports event close to where I work. I was in MSN contact, and she mentioned it. I assumed it was a more major event than it was, and debated with myself whether I should go. The rain swung it in favour (I thought she'd need all the support she could get) and turned up. I didn't see her, the event was a LOT smaller than I'd imagined, so (feeling a right fool) I turned around and left. I told her I'd been there by Bebo, and she asked why. I told her I was embarassed at myself for making the mistake of thinking the event was bigger than it was.

The problem is whenever I do anything involving her, it occupies my thoughts so much, it smothers me with worries.

She is now in a college, and I may end up transferring to that college myself, full-time, next year. (nothing to do with her, I've wanted another course at that college since before I even met her!). A hope I had, was to hold off on women until I get this college place, and in october 08, ask her out. If I get the no, then join the Free Market.

My questions:
1. Should I talk to her about what I think of her, or my shyness? Even though I beleive she will cut me off once I mention it?
2. Is it reasonable to hold off on women for 11 months to give someone first preference?
3. Should I be getting in a casual relationship with someone, given that if First aid girl said yes, casual girl would be dropped like a hot snot?
4. If I don't ask her out, should I sever myself completely from her? That wouldn't be hard at the moment, given how I haven't met her since September.
5. How tough is this going to be?

estar

i think its great that you have built up your confidence to the extent
that you feel free enough to make spontaneous contact with those
around you. do you think you might be over monitoring the people
in the first aid group and their reactions to you?

do you think that you are planning a little too much around this woman?
what about life in between - being in college, having fun, taking
those phone numbers on the luas, being young and free.

this woman has had the opportunity to act on your romantic feelings
in your confession to her, and has chosen not to, by the sounds of it.
i think that if she wanted something to happen it would have happened
by now.

that level of monitoring you have to do around her sounds uncomfortable.
it doesnt sound like a free and easy relationship, like you are free to be
yourself, which imo is how a relationship should be, where you can
say anything and not fear the consequences.

my advice - and i may be wrong - is to live in the moment, and not
plan around this woman. keep building on your confidence and dont
monitor yourself too much,

mostly people are worrying about themselves. if people didnt want
you around you wouldnt be invited on nights out etc.

why limit yourself so much to one woman who you feel uncomfortable around
and who doesnt seem to return your advances clearly
- when there are plenty more who will?

fuzzywiggle

Having read your post I would say you analyse things way too much for your own good. You have every aspect of every thing dissected! Which would certainly drive me mental. This doesn't relate to your post entirely but my advice to you in general is to just go with things. Do what you feel is right at the time and follow through. You don’t need to analyse analyse analyse and try interpret every single thing. Simplify things...it makes life a lot easier. Anyway with that said ......

My questions:
1. Should I talk to her about what I think of her, or my shyness? Even though I believe she will cut me off once I mention it?
Yes tell her how you feel, how you are shy around her and see how she reacts. If she’s cuts you off at least you know where you stand. End of story. What would you prefer..knowing how she feels about you or just going along for the next ELEVEN months hoping she likes you and you'll find out then? Do you enjoy playing mind games with yourself?!

2. Is it reasonable to hold off on women for 11 months to give someone first preference?
No it's not reasonable. Are you in love with her?? You mention the word fancy which doesn't seem that serious so why you would hold off for 11 months just for her baffles me.

3. Should I be getting in a casual relationship with someone, given that if First aid girl said yes, casual girl would be dropped like a hot snot?
Here you go again over analysing! Who knows how things might turn out. ''Casual girl'' may end up being the love of your life and a million times greater than ''frist aid girl'' but you seem to have it already sussed in your head that first aid girl is the be all and end all. ??

4. If I don't ask her out, should I sever myself completely from her? That wouldn't be hard at the moment, given how I haven't met her since September.
No reason to do this really unless being around her is completely uncomfortable for you or makes you unhappy or has any kind of negative out come.

5. How tough is this going to be?
As tough as you bloody make it! Which at the moment seems very difficult indeed. Take a step back and relax yourself. Your poor mind is in over drive. Tell her you like her, if she like you too then great, it's a success. If not then move on and stop wasting your time.

Good luck anyway

fuzzywiggle

fuzzywiggle wrote: »

2. Is it reasonable to hold off on women for 11 months to give someone first preference?
No it's not reasonable. Are you in love with her?? You mention the word fancy which doesn't seem that serious so why you would hold off for 11 months just for her baffles me.

Well, I don't want to use the "L" word, but some might call it that. I'll put it this way, she feels like someone I'd want to settle down and have a family with. A year ago I was absolutely besotted, but I've tried to move on from that. I accept that nothing can be taken for granted, and I'm far too young to be thinking of her in a white dress (Which I'm not, by the way!). I beleive that it's not proper "L" unless it's mutual. If it's one-sided, it's "Infatuation".

Good advice so far, a lot fo food for thought.......

fuzzywiggle wrote: »

Good luck anyway

Thanks

Spoony2

hey man sounds like your doing great


being shy around a woman is such a good thing its not bad its not every day we get to feel like that round a woman and personally i love it its the best thing , i go all clumsey when im around a woman who i really am taken buy and looking back it makes me allways feel good..

but the way to deal with shyness. is

your shy around a perticular girl you no your going to be shy, next time you see her. So except that your shy from the start and then your shyness kinda goes well it works for me....

Spoony,

I'm after spending the past ten years of my life getting past my shyness. I treat it as a disease, a mental disorder, something I must adjust to, but never allow to control me. I guess that's my way of dealing with it. Logic helps too.

And you're seriously suggesting being shy works?

No, it doesn't. Not for me. I've missed out on so much already.

To anyone who is shy out there, if you're happy being shy, then good for you. for those who aren't, it's a long process to get past, but you can do it. Counselling can help. It helped me.

Spoony2

Deleted User wrote: »

Spoony,

I'm after spending the past ten years of my life getting past my shyness. I treat it as a disease, a mental disorder, something I must adjust to, but never allow to control me. I guess that's my way of dealing with it. Logic helps too.

And you're seriously suggesting being shy works?

No, it doesn't. Not for me. I've missed out on so much already.

To anyone who is shy out there, if you're happy being shy, then good for you. for those who aren't, it's a long process to get past, but you can do it. Counselling can help. It helped me.

sorry but that's ilogical. So you say that shyness is disease ?

man it's called self exceptence of who you are.


Ive been shy half my bloody life and i am shy but then i red something some where I can not remember where but it went like this

Ok so your a shy person.

im useing this as an analogy

you meet a girl you find her attractive as a shy person the first things that happen with me are i stiffin up my hands start sweating my mouth dries I start shakeing the pitch in my voice changes, I loose all train of thought and i get nervous.

that analogy i use for being nervous to.

Now how i have sucessfully delt with this. Is buy saying to my self dude your shy your slightly knocked of your feet except that your shy keep your cool and build on it. not go ahh im shy and turn into a nervous wreack if you try fight that perticular emotion, ive never won against it.

and the reason i find it works is because im excepting that im shy and i have nothing else to loose and every thing i want to gain.