He hates me

LegacyUser

I've been having a few problems with my boyfriend for the last 3 months. (We've been together for 4 years) I moved away to do my postgrad and I come home to my parents house every 2 weeks or so. We said we'd make it work, and I thought we would.

Everytime I come home he has an excuse for not seeing me, usually study and stuff at home. Yet when I'm away, he does things with his friends all the time. It just seems to be me he has a problem with. The last two weekends I was home he organised to go out with his friends. I wasn't invited but I didn't expect to be. I just expected that he might want to see me.

He says he's tired all the time, and fair enough he has college and he studies really hard, but the last 2 nights he's gone home early because of it. Tonight he had a grind and he said he couldn't see me after because he'd be too tired. Half an hour ago I got a text saying he was going to the cinema with his friend. I'd asked him to go to the cinema with me this weekend but he said there was nothing he wanted to see. He could have asked me to go, I had plenty of time to get to the cinema, instead he just texted saying he loves me and he'll talk to me later.

He never wants to see me, he rarely texts me, and when I call he says he's too tired to talk.
For 2 months I have cried myself to sleep a few times a week. When I try to talk to him he says he spends more time with me than anyone, but this simply isn't true. If I cry on the phone to him he tells me to stop, but not in a comforting way.

I'm rarely home, as I said, and this doesn't seem to bother him. I wont be home now for 3 weeks and even then I wont see him because he'll be studying non-stop. He just seems to hate me.

Moving away was a huge step for me because I haven;t been away from him for more than a week in the 6 years I've known him. I was very insecure but since I moved away I've become less so. But when he acts like this I turn into a mess again.

I'm very depressed at the moment. I can't even talk to him until he gets home from the cinema, and even then he'll say he's too tired. So for the next 2 hours I'll just be lying in bed crying, waiting for him to come home.

I know he loves me, and I love him. I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to break up with him. He's been so great to me. It just seems that since I moved away he's been so distant.

What should I do? I really am lost.

Poppers1888

Hi.

There is no point in letting this make you so sad, this is affecting your life alot. He is making you feel very insecure. You need to think about yourself here. How come he is the only college person who studies all weekend every weekend?? YOu need to put it on the line for himeither things change or you wont be hanging around, I know you love him but if it is making you so unhappy you need to let go. I know you said you dont want to - but there must be a reason he is not seeing you as much and you need to find out why and if he is not giving you straight answers you need to let go. If he wants you he will try to get you back

Hope it works out ok for you

fuzzywiggle

To me it sounds like you should call it a day. That doesn't sound like a relationship at all. I would be furious if i asked my bf to do something later, he says no he's tired and then goes to the cinema with his mate? Now there's something not right there.

Talk to him about it, tell him how you feel and ask him what the bloody story is! I hope it works out for you but it sounds to me like he's lost interest..after not seeing you for so long you'd think he'd be over the moon to see you! Good luck x

Vegeta

well to be blunt he is treating you really really badly. What you have to acknowledge is that he is being an asshole. Why do you let him get away with that sort of thing??

You are not a powerless blubbering little girl, grow a pair and tell him to cop on. The reason he behaves like this is because you let him get away with it. If all he has to say is "I'm too tired" to avoid an arguement then your relationship is doomed. Stop being his doormat.

Leeby

Is it possible that he resents the fact that you moved away and wants to punish you for it? I'm not saying he's right at all, I'm just trying to offer a reason for his behaviour other than him not wanting to be with you. Maybe he liked things the way they were before you moved and you could both see eachother when you liked rather than him having to arrange plans around the times you choose to come home?

John Mason

why are you letting him make you feel bad? Dump him and you will feel better simple

How Strange

Leeby... Is it possible that he resents the fact that you moved away and wants to punish you for it? I'm not saying he's right at all, I'm just trying to offer a reason for his behaviour other than him not wanting to be with you. Maybe he liked things the way they were before you moved and you could both see eachother when you liked rather than him having to arrange plans around the times you choose to come home?

I agree, it seems he resents you for moving away and is childishly trying to teach you a lesson or two. You need to have a chat with him. A masters is only for a year (two at the most) so there is no reason why you can't get through this but if he is acting like a spoiled kid who's not getting his sweets then it doesn't seem good.

Either way, if his behaviour has you feeling so insecure and emotionally upset he needs to get a grip on reality and stop being so selfish.

seamus

Sounds like he hasn't got the balls to end it to me. God knows if my gf told me that she didn't want to go to the cinema, was too tired to see me and then shortly afterwards I got a text saying, "Going to the cinema with X, cya later", I'd interpret that as, "Don't really want to hang around with you anymore, couldn't be arsed, cya later".

Of course, it could also be that he's gotten used to the freedom he has without you around - as you say, you were barely apart when you were at home. It may be that when you get home, he feels like you're suddenly demanding/eating up his time for those three days and he's resisting this in a cowardly way by making excuses for doing his own thing.

You need to sit him down and have it out. He knows that you're coming home every two weeks, so he has to want to spend time with you. At the same time, it would be unreasonable for you to demand that he block-book his weekend for you. If he has arranged to go out with his mates, that's fine. You should also arrange to go out with your mates. When you're coming home, don't arrange that your weekend revolves around your boyfriend, arrange to meet up with your mates, go shopping, to do the stuff that you would do if you weren't away.

I've done the long relationship thing and as romantic as it sounds, sitting on the couch cuddling and talking is not an entertaining way to spend a whole weekend, regardless of how long either of you has been away.

However, I am going to back to my original assertion and say that he's just not that interested in the relationship any more. Perhaps he does still love you, but he's gotten used to his freedom and in the back of his mind he has switched out of relationship mode.

Spoony2

sounds like he's cheating on you.

she been away he's used to haveing a girl around, he's drinking with his mates who are probably single, probably meet some new girl which is a horrible thing, but its a fact that things like this do and will happen.

i hope for you it aint but bye judging buy his behavour he is quite cleerly hdeing something...

FutureGuy

Spoony2 wrote: »

sounds like he's cheating on you.

she been away he's used to haveing a girl around, he's drinking with his mates who are probably single, probably meet some new girl which is a horrible thing, but its a fact that things like this do and will happen.

i hope for you it aint but bye judging buy his behavour he is quite cleerly hdeing something...

I don't agree re the cheating Spoony. OP, I think anyone who reads this would think that a really nice girl is being treated poorly by a really terrible guy. No excuse for going to the cinema with a friend soon after saying no to you.

Maybe he does resent the fact that you moved away to better yourself (how is he doing with his own life goals?), but if he was a decent boyfriend, he should be supporting you now more than ever. So he really has no excuse for his behavior, especially given the fact he is your bf of 4 years!

Life isn't about crying yourself to sleep. Life is about surrounding yourself with the people that make you happy. I feel very sorry for you because it's obvious that you really care alot about him, but it's equally obvious that he doesn't feel the same.

You really have to look within yourself and see if this "relationship" is worth it. Because, from what I have read, it is not a relationship anymore, and the longer it keeps going, the more nights you are going to spend crying yourself to sleep.

I wish you well OP

How Strange

I don't agree about him cheating. I can't see any evidence of that from the post.

There seems to be resentment and bad communication but that doesn't mean he has met anyone else. I'd say the fact that he is trying to prove he has his own life away from the OP means that he misses her and is not that happy about being left behind.

As I said before, it doesn't excuse his behaviour.

pookie82

Sounds to me like you have no choice but to demand to meet up - in no un-certain terms, tell him it's as serious as your relationship surviving or not - and ask him face to face if he wants to break up. I know you probably don't want to hear this but it sounds like he has little or no interest in you anymore...why else would he so obviously avoid spending time with you?? He should be counting down the hours until you come home and instead he's fobbing you off with see-through excuses. I've seen countless girls being treated like this for months on end cos their boyfriends have lost interest but act like horrible people until the girl is the one to finally snap and break it off. My heart goes out to you cos I know how awful it must feel, hearing that he was going out with his mates after blowing you off...maybe he's realised since you left that he prefers his life without a girlfriend. Either way you can't hang around crying yourself to sleep with no honesty or answers from him. You say he loves you and I'm sure he did once but these are not the actions of a guy who still loves his girlfriend. You need to tell him that if you don't make time for one another when you are home, there's no point to your being together (which there really isn't!!). He has enough chances when you're away to see his friends/have alone time/sleep off his exhaustion etc. If you do happen to break up, it'l be horrible for a while but the fact that you've moved away will at least mean you won't be around him all the time and have the freedom to move on with new friends and people. He should have the guts to be straight with you but unfortunatley sometimes us girls have to be the ones to bite the bullet and make him face what's wrong. Good luck.

Spoony2

you dont see any evidance ?????

they've been togeather 4 years.
shes moved to a different part of the country for the past 3 months
He's not acting like him self.
It looks to me like he's avoiding her
He makes time for his friends. what to say that it is not a friend but a girl he's makeing time for?
He doesn want to talk to her and when he does he's to tired ?
he dont text her.
New found freedom.

there's 10 reasons for what i stated.

Ok granted it could be me being very wrong but at the same time its something to be aware of.

On the other hand maybe he's just found that releationship has reached its end. He found that he's grown out of what once was good it's common enough thing to happen.

Granted in one hand what i have said isnt very nice thing to here but maybe its the way of testing her strength, as a person ment to be for a fact we all have test's in life to show us who we really are! Ive had them every single person whos had probelms with drink drugs depression its a way of testing usmakeing us stronger well thats what i beleave....

But Op if what i have stated turns out to be correct, which i hope to god it aint. but I am sorry for haveing said what ive said.

Im shore your an incredabel lady whos brainy fun and very loveing frankly i think you can do way better, if a bloke feels he has to punish you for doing what's important then i think hes a Pr1ck.

i hope you get it sorted.

Leeby

Spoony2 wrote: »

you dont see any evidance ?????

they've been togeather 4 years.
shes moved to a different part of the country for the past 3 months
He's not acting like him self.
It looks to me like he's avoiding her
He makes time for his friends. what to say that it is not a friend but a girl he's makeing time for?
He doesn want to talk to her and when he does he's to tired ?
he dont text her.
New found freedom.

there's 10 reasons for what i stated.

Ok granted it could be me being very wrong but at the same time its something to be aware of.

On the other hand maybe he's just found that releationship has reached its end. He found that he's grown out of what once was good it's common enough thing to happen.

Granted in one hand what i have said isnt very nice thing to here but maybe its the way of testing her strength, as a person ment to be for a fact we all have test's in life to show us who we really are! Ive had them every single person whos had probelms with drink drugs depression its a way of testing usmakeing us stronger well thats what i beleave....

But Op if what i have stated turns out to be correct, which i hope to god it aint. but I am sorry for haveing said what ive said.

Im shore your an incredabel lady whos brainy fun and very loveing frankly i think you can do way better, if a bloke feels he has to punish you for doing what's important then i think hes a Pr1ck.

i hope you get it sorted.

Definately don't think he's cheating. From what OP has said it sounds a lot more like he's clearly showing that he doesn't want to spend time with her. If he was cheating I'm pretty sure he'd cover his tracks, be a lot more secretive about what he's doing and would probably make an effort to see her when she's around so as to avoid suspicion. From what she's saying (e.g. "No theres nothing I want to see in the cinema so I con't go with you" and then "I'm off to the cinema with my other friend") sounds more like he's making it obvious that he wants to spend time away from her, so it's either childish punishment or maybe he feels the relationship has run it's course but wants her to do the breaking up so he doesn't feel like the bad guy.

blah

I think he's doing that thing where men act all mean and distant so that you'll break up with him and he won't have to be the bad guy.

How Strange

I agree, guys tend to do this when they don't want to do the breaking up. They treat you so badly that you will have to break up with them or at least have a conversation with them about it which leads to a mutual break up.

Spoony2

Ok make's a lot of sence what you guys said.....

Talliesin

CantStopCrying wrote: »

I know he loves me

How do you know that?

CantStopCrying wrote: »

He's been so great to me.

Great, then you'll have some fond memories of what it was like before he became a lazy ****e after you dump him.