Mixed bag

dak

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want". The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; her clothes probably wouldn't have fit you, anyway."

dak

A comedian is partway into his act in a London theatre. As he studies the audience he sees a man in the third row slouched over two seats making moaning noises. The comedian shouts at the man to shut up but gets no response, so he asks the people next to him if they know him And where he is from. Someone yells "THE BALCONY".
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A cannibal goes on a cruise. He goes to the restaurant. Waiter: "Can I get you the menu, sir?" Cannibal: "No, bring me the passenger list".

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What did the Mexican fireman call his twin sons?

HoseA and HoseB

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Scientists have finally succeeded in cloning the first human being. The clone is said to be so happy that he is beside himself.

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My cat wasn't very well so I took it to the vets. The vet said, "before I look at your cat it'll be £50." "No worries, just fix it" I replied. He looked at the cat and said "its dead." "It can't be - I want a second opinion." So the vet goes to the waiting room and asks the owner of a black Labrador if he could borrow it. He then turns to the dog and says" just check out whether the cat is dead." The dog sniffed my cat, looked at the vet and said "nope, its dead" "I still don't believe you - I want a third opinion." So off he goes into the waiting room again and this time comes back with another cat. He says to the cat "just check that this is dead." Sure enough the cat sniffs around my cat, looks to the vet, shakes his head and says "no its dead." "OK" I say - I believe you here is the £50 - "No, no says the vet, its £200 now." "What do you mean?" "Well there was a £50 initial consultation fee, then you had a lab report and then you had a cat scan

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dak

Two hydrogen atoms sitting at the bar. One is looking very unhappy and depressed. His mate says, "What's up with you then?" The sad atom answers, "I've lost an electron". His mate looks surprised and asks, "Are you sure?" With a sigh the answer comes back, "Yes I'm positive!"

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Two sheep in a field. One said to the other "BA AAA BA AAAA BA AAA". The other said: " Corr Blimey, I was going to say that".

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Did you hear about the guy that drowned in his muesli?
A strong currant pulled him in!
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What do you call a man with a spade in his head?

Doug!

Rabies

/takes out glue.


Merged.

spudington16

dak wrote: »

What do you call a man with a spade in his head?

Doug!

What do you call a man without a shovel in his head?

Douglas.

What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?

Cliff.

What was the name of the woman who fell off her balcony?

Eileen Dover.

dak

spudington16 wrote: »

What do you call a man without a shovel in his head?

Douglas.

What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?

Cliff.

What was the name of the woman who fell off her balcony?

Eileen Dover.

Very Good ...liked the Eileen Dover one !