Letter to mother

LegacyUser

My mother is an extremely proud person, and therefore almost impossible to communicate with. My way or the highway scenario.

I am back living with her temporarily, and would like to try to fix things between us. There is no conversation of substance between us.

Anyway I've decided to write her a letter, and if it doesn't make a difference, I'll be happy to sever all ties between us.

Would appreciate some of your wonderful insights before I proceed...

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Dear Mum,

I am sad that we don’t have a normal mother/son relationship. While I have learned to live with it, it does leave a big hole in my life. You might remember, I did cry on the phone to you once…the weight of my sadness about this got the better of me.

Not everything is bad between us. You are extremely generous, hardworking, and helpful. I will always be grateful for all the things you have done for me.

However… we are about as distant from each other as 2 people possibly could be.
The conversations that we have are the conversations of strangers - always on a superficial level (Small talk).

I wish we were as close to each other as I am with my siblings. As siblings, we can talk to each other about pretty much anything, without fear of rejection or criticism. We treat each other as equals. This is not a generational thing – many parents are close to their children.

In my opinion the main reason for the barrier between us is pride.

You are extremely proud, and because of it, you find it very hard to accept the other person’s point of view. (It surely comes from your mother…I remember her…”Murphy this, Murphy that…If I’d been older, I’d have asked her to explain what made them better than everyone else).

Pride creates enormous barriers… it means you are unable to treat people as equals.
If anyone voices an opinion that you do not like, or disagrees with you, you are liable to be offended.

Sometimes we say things that hurt each other. But I know that there is no point in telling you how badly you made me feel or why. I would like to begin a conversation… “What you said/did today hurt me because...”, but I see little to indicate that you would be interested in knowing that you hurt me.

You sometimes struggle with openness and honesty, again two things which any meaningful relationship must be based on. If I say something that you do not like, you pretend you did not hear, and ask for it to be repeated. (Rather than give an immediate honest answer, you want time to think about how you can respond without revealing too much).

You love your children, of that there is little doubt, but you do not respect us like you respect other adults. Even though we are adults too, you sometimes have a desire to treat us like children.

You cannot laugh at yourself…people can joke to me about my weaknesses…my weight, my poor DIY skills…whatever, and I can laugh with them. You cannot take a joke at your own expense, you take offence instead.

I have lost too much in life, - my son, the chance of a normal family life. To not have a relationship with my mother on top of everything just adds to the pain.

I am writing this because I want to do everything I possibly can to make things okay between us. However, it is all up to you- whether we remain as distant as we have been, or whether we become closer. I will respect whatever you decide.

spurious

I'm sorry I don't have any advice to give, but your letter is very moving.
The fact that you love her despite all that has happened comes through clearly.
I hope things work out for you.

McGinty

Hi Op

I feel there is more to this and I don't know that is, but you mention other losses in your life and tie them in with your mother, do you know what that is about?

The Sweeper

I have no idea if it will work, but that's probably the most non-accusatory way you can express your feelings about what is obviously a big problem for you.

I'd only suggest you alter your last two sentences and replace them with something like "It would make me very happy if you could tell me or show me what I can do to bridge the distance between us and help you bridge it too. Even respond to this letter with one of your own. I will respect whatever you decide."

Just because it's not all up to your mom - that's all.

I wish you the best of luck in trying to repair your relationship - it's a very brave thing to do.

b3t4

Op, I feel your pain and I admire the fact that you are trying to improve your relationship with your mother. I do, however, believe that you truly need to accept the fact that it's very hard, if not impossible, to change some people. I feel that to love your mother and keep a relationship with her, you are going to have to accept her as she is, warts and all.

I'm speaking as a person who would have a similar relationship, that you currently have, with my own mother. It's tough and over the years I too wished that I could have the mother/daughter relationship on par to what other people appear to have. I've come to a point in my life now of acceptance.

Acceptance is a very freeing experience and allows you to develop on the semblence of a relationship that you do have with your mother. I've found that taking the pressure off to formulate my relationship with my mother, around the ideal, has allowed us to develop our own version of the mother/daughter relationship.

There is no harm in sending the letter to your mother and I hope that it goes in some way to improve yeer relationship but I fear it may not have the outcome you hope for.

Best of luck,
A

l3LoWnA

OP - I think your letter idea is a wonderful wya to get your message accross and you've worded it well and got your point across in a nice way, you've certainly pointed out to your mother all her faults. However, you have no faults whatsoever?

Just an observation.

Also, does your mother have a better relationship with your other siblings? If not, maybe that's just who she is and at this stage, it may just make things worse if she has no intentions of changing, doesn't understand her faults and doesn't wish them to be pointed out to her. It may not be nice for a mother, who has given birth to, nursed and then rasied her boy, to hear from same boy what he feels are all her flaws. I do understand that you said near the beginning how grateful you are for what she has done, but you haven't once said in the letter that you've got any bad qualities yourself, which is hard to believe. Again, just an observation, there's obviously a lot more behind this letter that you probably don't want to get into.

Sorry to hear about all you have lost OP, I hope your relationship with your mother can improve

Beruthiel

It's a wonderful letter OP, I hope it works for you.
I think it would also be a good idea to change the last sentence to majd's suggestion. It doesn't put all the pressure on her.

Although the book "My Mother, Myself" is written by a woman (Nancy Friday), I think you could still benefit by reading it. It sure helped me look at my mother in a completely new light.

dudara

I have to disagree here and say that this letter is a not great idea. In fact I think it's selfish and lazy. It's a way for the OP to transfer his thoughts and emotions to his mother and absolve himself of any guilt he may have with regard to their relationship.

he possibly feels that by writing it down and creating a permanent record, he is creating a line in the sand that it will now be up to his mother to cross. Therefore he will have "done his bit". This act would be a lot harder to do face to face, which is why he is writing the letter.

Relationships with parents are frustrating - your parents are possibly the closest people to you in the world tempramentally. I know that I am as pigheaded as my Dad, and occasionally introverted like my mother which is why arguing with them is like beating my head against a brick wall. Doesn't mean that I'm going to stop and walk away from them.

Writing a decisive letter like this will hurt your mother immensely. It's a cold act. No matter how hard she is to deal with, I would do the human thing and talk to her face to face.

OP How old are you? This sounds like someone in his teens, early twenties. Forgive me if I'm wrong

Dizzyblonde

OP, I think your letter is very good, though I agree with majd about 'softening' the end.
I completely get what you mean about your mother not liking her children to have their own opinions, some mothers are quite taken aback when their kids grow up and have minds of their own. Hopefully this letter will enable your mam to talk things out with you and clear the air. There might be some things she wants to talk to you about too.
Give it your best shot and at least you'll know you've tried.
Good luck.

fuzzywiggle

I wish you all the best. Most people wouldn't go to those lengths to repair a relationship and be the bigger person. So fair play to you, you're a good son. Good luck with it.

K_P

Hi OP,

I can completely sympathise. In fact, reading your letter it was almost like you were writing about my own relationship with my mother.

I've recently come to realise that as much as I would love to be able to talk to my mother openly and freely about anything, to have what I would consider a normal mother/daughter relationship, it's just not going to work out like that for us.

My mother, like yours sounds, is a very loving, generous and sweet woman. But as well as that, she is ridiculously proud and stubborn. I know she loves me in her own way but she's incapable of expressing it in a meaningful way. She does so by being over-protective, overbearing and controlling. Utterly maddening as it is at times, I know it's coming from a place of love. And to be honest it probably stems from her not quite coming to terms with the fact that I'm an adult and not knowing how to deal with that.

I live away from home and get to see my parents maybe once every 3 or 4 weeks. I got married recently and with all the family stuff that went with that, I spent about a week and a half with her - more than I have done in almost 10 years. This brought everything to a head and I spent far too much time in that week and a half upset and crying over something insensitive she had said or done or frustrated at her treating me like a child (and me reacting like a moody teenager). On the few occasions that I tried to have a proper conversation with her, we ended up making small talk or her gossiping about the neighbours (the only subject she seems interested in and which I couldn't care less about).

It was difficult, but I came to realise that getting mad or causing confrontations would solve nothing. My mother is who she is. I am who I am. We're practically strangers to each other. We're never going to be close, we're never going to have the relationship I would like. Instead I've decided to be grateful that I have a mother who loves me. She'll still annoy the hell out of me at times but I'm doing my best to let most of it go over my head.

I just thought I'd give you my perspective on things. I've thought of writing a letter to my mother many times. The thought of getting my feelings across in a calm way is tempting, but I know in my situation it wouldn't work. I'd be accused of trying to start an argument or make a scene or whatever. If you feel your mother will respond well to your letter, or that she won't take offence to it, then go for it. There's always the possibility it'll cause more trouble than it's worth though.

As a last point, I don't think you should see this letter as a make or break thing. If it doesn't work out how you want it to, then I'd advise doing what I do. Accept that she'll probably never change, don't try and change her thoughts and opinions, let her negativity go right over your head and appreciate the good things about her.

I truly hope you find what you're looking for. Good luck.

LegacyUser

Thanks for your replies.

re other losses; ah "just" my relationship with my son (tho I am trying to fix it) and failure to have got married by now (working abroad, lack of focus). Some other things but these are the most significant.

last sentence; I agree with jackdaniels and others. I will soften it down.

Do I have faults? - Nothing out of the ordinary I'd say. None that significantly affects my relationships with others anyway.

Dudara, face to face she's only interested in small talk- it's like walking on eggshells if I go beyond that. I disagree that I'm being selfish and lazy, I've been trying to find a sensitive and meaningful way to communicate with her for years (I'm in my 30's). I've torn up many letters along the way, and in order not to hurt her probably will this one as well.

Yes I probably will feel guilty if I give her this. Maybe I should continue to accept things as they are, and we could remain as strangers.

I don't want to make her feel bad. I think that there are enough negative things in her life already (though because we don't talk, nothing that we can discuss). However if I give her this letter in its current format (any format), she probably will take it badly.

Whether she would then be able to take in what I've said, and reflect upon it in a positive way... then that's what would make it worthwhile.

dudara

aardvarko wrote: »

Dudara, face to face she's only interested in small talk- it's like walking on eggshells if I go beyond that. I disagree that I'm being selfish and lazy, I've been trying to find a sensitive and meaningful way to communicate with her for years (I'm in my 30's). I've torn up many letters along the way, and in order not to hurt her probably will this one as well.

I'm going to play devil's advocate here for a moment and ask you why you want to try and change her? She is who she is, and you don't deny that she has been a good mother to you. Why are you seeking this from her?

The reason why I say this is that my own mother is far from emotional. We've never really talked about anything emotional in-depth, but she was a fantastic mother who still took great care of me and made sure I got everything I needed (bar emotional insight). I was angry with her for a while but I suppose that as I got older I recognised that she is the way that she is and I can't expect her to change just because I want her to be a certain way. I hope that this makes you realise that you're not the only person with an emotionally distant parent, but that it is not necessary to force an issue with your parent.

Victor

Perhaps consider revising it to make it sound a little less accusatory - "you did this, you did that ...".

A.Partridge

Aardvarko,

I feel your pain...I have lived it.

The only thing I would recommend is that you pop down to Easons or another book shop and pick up a copy of 'Homecoming' by John Bradshaw published by Piatkus.

This book will help to explain why your Mam is the way she is.

Regards,
A.

PS your letter is excellent but I can assure you that it will not change her one iota. It may be of help to you however.

cudman

In absolutely no way am I judging you or throwing accusations around but from what I have read it seems that you have issues with both your mother and your son, in my opinion these are probably the two people any man should be the closest too. Perhaps you should take a look at yourself and see why you are distant from these two important parts of your life. sorry

WildIrishRose

I have a really good relationship with my mum and i'm very very lucky. But my advice is to communicate face to face.. You have basically told us that their is a huge lack of communocation with eachother and i feel u will just add to it by the letter... I suggest asking you mam out to dinner or doing something nice with eachother... it does work both ways.., This way without realising it, it will make her think that you are possibly acting strange and make her wonder why... Talk about old time, eg Mam do you remember when............ u did this( teach me to ride a bike) it really makes me laugh about the good old times we used to have... Rather that he picking things up wrong and it lightens the mood... if the day goes well then when u have another opportunity to do something like this then u can discuss the situation you mentioned about.. Maybe you won't take my advice on board... but i do know u will miss her when she goes!

Good Luck

Gyalist

Let me first say that i have an excellent relationship with my mother. she's just the kindest, most wonderful woman that i know. That said, my advice to you would be to be a man and speak to your mother face to face. By all means make bullet points of your letter if you need them to refresh your memory but I think you'd be better seved by speaking to your mother face to face. The letter just reeks of cowardice to me.

unreggd

I have a very similar relationship with my mother

I cant remember ever having a proper conversation with her, she hasnt shown much/any interest in me as a person in years

And she has pride issues too. If u criticise anything she says or does she turns it around and victimises herself

Also, I got so stressed one night I cried, when I was 17, and she told me I was being a stupid baby "with that crap"
It was far from it, it was the first time I'd cried in about 5/6 years

I moved out when I was 17 because my brother developed mental problems and turned on me, so for safety mainly I moved out

She never did anything about him, and never contacted me, even though I was only 15 mins up the road

It indirectly bothered me through the last year of school, so I went to talk to a student psychologist
I think he was tryin to fix it but I ended up just becoming content with the situation

I dont talk to her now, and theres nothing Im missing out on

Its easy for others to say "but she's your mother"

But they'll never know how you truly feel

Just a small point to Gyalist

If the OP's mother is anything like mine, he'd be cut off after the first few sentences

People rarely stop readin that kind of letter


OP, good luck