Should i tell her Ive had gay sex?

LegacyUser

Ive been seeing a girl for a few months and I'm really starting to like her. The only thing is that she doesn't know that I've had gay sex many times before. Now I'm perfectly clean and have been tested just before I met her so thats not an issue. A few years ago I ended up having sex with my friend after a drunken night and after that we slept together all the time. We considered being a couple but were both bi curious and after about 6 months it faded and we decided it should end (not really great friends anymore either because we had a few one nighters with each other after that and now we are barely acquainted cos it gets too awkward) A year or two ago a gay friend of mine who Id talked to about it before made a move on me and we had sex. So Ive been with 2 guys in my life but have no idea if I should tell my girlfriend. I was bi curious and have satisfied that and now am happy with a straight relationship. The thing is Im scared that if I tell her it will scare her off.

l3LoWnA

If she doesn't ask, personally, I wouldn't tell her just for the sake of it.

It's just like the "magic number" thread that was on here recently about telling partners exactly how many people you've slept with. I wouldn't ask my partner that question as it wouldn't bother me how many he had slept with. Likewise, as long as he wasn't bringing deseases to my bed or unsureness into a relationship with me, I wouldn't want to know if he'd slept with other guys or how many. Then again, I'm very open-minded so if he felt a need to tell me I would not be bothered by it in the slightest. The past is the past.

Only you can truly guage how your girlfriend would react. How open-minded is she? Has she had similar relationships in the past? How honest are you both with each other about the past? How much does she ask about your past etc? Why does it bother you so much that she doesn't know about your previous gay encounters? Are you afraid she'll find out or would you like her to know this about your past as you feel it's part of you? If it's either then you really would want to tell her, go ahead, and if she can't take it, she's obviously not the woman for you.

ixus

What if she didn't react well, broke up with you and told other people?

(and I had just finished watching Chasing Amy)

m83

Op don't be silly, she has no reason to know so keep shtum.

Miss Fluff

Unreg1 wrote: »

So Ive been with 2 guys in my life but have no idea if I should tell my girlfriend. I was bi curious and have satisfied that and now am happy with a straight relationship. The thing is Im scared that if I tell her it will scare her off.

You say you are now happy in a straight relationship but is that to say that you can never see yourself with another guy again? Have you not thought that you could be bisexual? Your history suggests that it hasn't been entirely wrapped up and 6 months of sex with the first guy is almost like a relationship if you think about it. Think about it and if you think you are then you need to be honest with your girlfriend, not telling her would be deceiving her and you do need to semi prepare her for the possibility that you may fall for a guy again in the future.

ApeXaviour

Miss Fluff wrote: »

You say you are now happy in a straight relationship but is that to say that you can never see yourself with another guy again? Have you not thought that you could be bisexual?

Nice armchair psychology. I don't see why you shouldn't just accept what he says at face value... I'm sure he's far more aware of his own preferences than you are.

Miss Fluff wrote:

Your history suggests that it hasn't been entirely wrapped up and 6 months of sex with the first guy is almost like a relationship if you think about it.n

And...?
If he says his preference is women, why would you question that? He clearly has no hangups and he's unregged on an internet board. Why on earth do you seem to think he's lying?


OP, you're anxious about telling her. Telling her in this anxious state will probably make her go a just like Miss Fluff here. She'll get all irrational, worry that you're confused and think it'll only be a matter of time before you come out and leave her for a man.

It's basically as big a deal as you make it. If you approach her seriously along the lines of sitting her down with "something to tell" her... Well, let's just say that's the worst way to go about it.

It probably is a good idea for her to know though, but there's no rush...

One day while both of you are in a good mood, as the conversation leads to more truthful topics, you'll find an opening somewhere that you can mention it casually. It might be as simple as a conversation about sex that would elicit a from her "oh, and how would you know about that?", to which you would respond: "Ah didn't I tell you? I've slept with men before". Everything about you has to show that you really don't think it's any kind of big deal, apart from possible amusement at her reaction. A wry grin, leaning back posture, no fidgeting. If you're not bothered by it and seem perfectly comfortable with who you are then she will likely be too. She'll may have one of two very natural reactions, she'll get serious and start asking direct questions or she'll go quiet and worried. In either of these situations don't get worked up or protest for your straightness, it will scream denial. Chuckling knowingly as if at her naivity may help. Denying that you're bisexual/gay having had sex with a man is something some people clearly have difficulty rectifying (the double standard being that nobody would ever call a gay man straight if he'd slept with a woman or two in his life). Just explain indifferently to her that "meh... men are okay, I just much prefer women though" or something simple like that. Smile, keep it light-hearted. If she appears worried, be more amused-consoling than angry or worried yourself.

Elessar

Absolutely no need to tell her. Will only cause a mess. She has no need to know.

But I think the other poster is right in saying you are probably bisexual.

ApeXaviour

Elessar wrote: »

Absolutely no need to tell her. Will only cause a mess. She has no need to know.

Do you think it's better he suppresses his dirty little secrets so? It's generally a good idea to open up eventually with a partner. At least not to have left any of the larger skeletons in the closet. You're just setting yourself up for a larger mess in the long run. Though I agree divulging too much too soon can also be hazardous.

Elessar wrote: »

But I think the other poster is right in saying you are probably bisexual.

What is with people's obtuse obsession with black and white labels...? Heard of the Kinsey scale? Please educate yourself: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kinsey_scale

Nevyn

So you are bisexual with a preference towards women.
This isn't such a big deal.
As for wether to tell you gf or not well that is a tricky one.
Certainly your past is your past and she does not need to know but many people prefer to be open and honest about such things.
Any idea how she feels about the idea in general ?
Could you broach it in a way that is not about you and see what her opinions and stance is first ?

Reku

Unless she asks or brings up a guy-girl-guy threesome fantasy (mostly just to let her know you'd be open to trying it) I don't think you need to tell her, it'd probably only result in her feeling insecure about it:
"Do I look slightly manly?" "Is that lad he's talking to just a mate or does he fancy him (as opposed to her only getting a little worried when you're a bit pally with the ladies)?" "Does he think about a guy when he's sleeping with me?"
Weekends away with the lads will have double the worry since again it won't just be what you might get up to with the ladies but also the lads.
And then if you ever suggest anal sex she'll probably really worry what your motives are and who're you thinking about while doing it.


It's like how you don't necessarily give her the name and point out all the girls you slept with either and she won't do so with all the men. In fact I think most couples would at most indicate that someone they were still in contact with was an ex and leave the whole thing of if they slept together blank.

daveirl

This post has been deleted.

Cathmandooo

Yeah dont tell her, no way, it would be like listing off all the places you've had sex with your ex's. No one wants to hear that! Once you've been truthful to her that you've had sexual partners in the past and you love her and want to be with her then that's all she needs to know!

rainbow kirby

If she asks, I'd be honest with her. You don't need to make a song and dance about it, but if the subject comes up I'd be honest with her.

Lux23

If she asks tell her but otherwise she is better off not knowing, its not an issue as long as you don't feel the need to have sex with men behind her back. Which Im sure you don't.

Tzetze

Miss Fluff wrote: »

You say you are now happy in a straight relationship but is that to say that you can never see yourself with another guy again? Have you not thought that you could be bisexual? Your history suggests that it hasn't been entirely wrapped up and 6 months of sex with the first guy is almost like a relationship if you think about it. Think about it and if you think you are then you need to be honest with your girlfriend, not telling her would be deceiving her and you do need to semi prepare her for the possibility that you may fall for a guy again in the future.

Bisexuality does not imply an inability to stay faithful to a partner. Straight men/women are just as likely to have wandering hands/eyes/other-bits.

OP, it's not relevant to your current relationship, unless she specifically asks.

Electric

I'd just like to point out that when you are donating blood they ask you in the questionnaire if you have ever had sex with someone who has had gay sex.

If she donates blood then you should probably mention it to her so that she can give the correct answer.

If she doesn't I wouldn't mention it unless she brought it up (by this I mean the how many people have you been with question as opposed to have you ever had gay sex question) then I would be honest with her.

Cathmandooo

Electric wrote: »

I'd just like to point out that when you are donating blood they ask you in the questionnaire if you have ever had sex with someone who has had gay sex.

If she donates blood then you should probably mention it to her so that she can give the correct answer.

He said he's been tested and is clean, if she 'answers correctly' at the blood clinic she wont be able to give her perfectly healthy blood! They say themselves in the clinic how ridiculous that law is but that its extremely difficult to get changed so that's a really bad reason to tell her.

Be honest if she asks, otherwise i wouldn't purposely rock the boat

CL7

You have to tell her. All good relationships are based on tru, wait a min.

You have met a girl you really like and you are considering sabotaging it by disclosing something about your past that has nothing to do with this relationship. WHY OP, WHY?

l3LoWnA

Fionn^ wrote: »

You have met a girl you really like and you are considering sabotaging it by disclosing something about your past that has nothing to do with this relationship. WHY OP, WHY?

Exactly!! If you'd have 277 one-night-stands in the past with ladies would you be telling her?!?! I think not!

Unless all cards have been laid on the table, she's divulged all her past sexual encounters and you've told her most of yours and you really feel genuinely feel bad about NOT telling her (or feel she may find out) I see no reason to jeopardise the relationship by telling her!

Bottle_of_Smoke

Seeing as you're clean I'd say wait & see if the relationship becomes stronger. If it does & you still feel like telling her then do. If she gets scared off then she's not worth it.

If she gets scared off now I would call you a fool for telling her. You don't know who she'd tell either if she reacted badly & I'd imagine there are a fair amount of people you don't want knowing.

Wait until you fully trust her.

Manic Moran

ApeXaviour wrote: »

Do you think it's better he suppresses his dirty little secrets so? It's generally a good idea to open up eventually with a partner. At least not to have left any of the larger skeletons in the closet. You're just setting yourself up for a larger mess in the long run. Though I agree divulging too much too soon can also be hazardous.

I see no reason for mandatory disclosure. Deliberately concealing something is one thing, but simply not bringing it up if it doesn't come up in conversation is something else entirely. My 'vote' is to say nothing, but if asked, consider not lying!

NTM

jackdaw

OP , gotta ask yourself are you just fooling yourself ?

running away from the reality that you are gay ?

I suppose as long as you have been tested and are clean and are REALLY
bi (ie you wont be living a lie) then she doesn't need to know..

Thundercracker

Unreg1 wrote: »

A few years ago I ended up having sex with my friend after a drunken night and after that we slept together all the time.

let the past be the past, if it ever moves to more serious territory like the question of marriage then perhaps you might tell her, if only to foresake all others but I think as long as you're not sleeping with other men she wouldnt take it to mean that you're unfaithful, mistrusting, dirty, disgusting or not worth being with

Aura

Have seen this from both sides and I really don't think you need to unless it becomes serious at which stage I personally would hope to be able to share just about everything with my partner.

Your experiences have brought you where you are now and made you who you are but that doesn't necessarily have to be dissected to the last so early on.

Keep it light and easy as long as you can I say!