Advise needed badly

LegacyUser

Hi there,
I'm hoping that some one may be able to help me!
Just a little background!
My only sister died a few years back, I have dealt with this in my own way, some people may have though it a bit odd how I have coped the past few years but I honestly did think it was the best way for me to grieve. I have kept it all to myself, bottled up feelings because i felt like i didnt want to trouble my parents or my friends so i swept the whole thing under a big carpet. I know that someday these pent up feelings will re-appear and that the cracks will show in my tough exterior. By then I hope I will be able to cope better than I am now.
My problem is that my sister was seeing a lad before she died, she actually had a child with him. So the lad is a part of our family now. I would actually go sofar as to call him my brother, we are close because we have gone through so much together! we were originally friends before he even knew my sister. But lately things have gotten very odd. I socialise alot of weekends and we usually end up in the same night club, I dont drink that often as I work on Sundays. Now he does drink a fair bit and for the past few months he has been giving me the come on, he wont leave my side when i'm in the club, he follows me around and has gone so far as to lean in to kiss me. I have stopped him every time, i have said its never going to happen ever. I think he is looking for a substitute for my sister which is very unfair of him to look to me to fill that gap. Cue to Sat night, this time i was drinking and the usual thing happened, he came on to me, he even had the gall to say ive always wanted you not your sister. I have tried to talk to him but it is doing no good, and I do not want to trouble my parents with this as I dotn want to cause any trouble between the families. Sorry this is so long but any advise would be appreciated

Strokesfan

Just tell him you think of him as a brother if that's how you feel about him.

Do you have feelings for him other than that? I suppose stranger things have happened if you did get together but it would probably get tongues wagging alright but not the end of the world.

If you don't like him - you should avoid him for a while and he might see sense and apologize.

LegacyUser

I have told him on numerous occassions but he choses not to listen to me.
I don't think i have feelings for him i have never thought of him in that way ever. Your right about the tongues wagging. i have heard people talking about us and there were rumours before. And this upsets me, i hate people looking at me its bad enough that i get pity eyes from them and now the gossip. I try my best to look out for him because he gets so drunk that he starts getting smeary and i take it upon myself to literally hold him up and make sure he gets home ok. I think im too nice for my own good

AngryBadger

He's out of line, I think your best bet is to cut him loose. You've already spoken to him about this, and he definitely seems to be taking advantage of your good nature.

humanji

Have you told him while he's sober?

WindSock

I was just about to ask what Humanji said. If he is doing this while he is badly drunk, then he is letting his inhabitions go. He must also feel very close to you and you are the only person there that reminds him of your Sister. In a way I feel sorry for him, but he is acting way out of line with you when you tell him to back off. You must talk to him when he hasn't had anything to drink and make it clear that it is Never going to happen and he must deal with his grief another way.

LegacyUser

No I havent spoken to him when hes sober, I think I'm afraid of what he might say, that he would deny everything that has happened, twist it and turn it around on me. And then I end up the bad guy after stirring up all this stuff. I really hate the position im in, I dont think he realises what he is doing to me at all.

Dizzyblonde

humanji wrote: »

Have you told him while he's sober?

You have to sit him down when he's sober and make it very clear to him that it's never going to happen. It will be difficult but it has to be done. Then maybe don't socialise in the same place for a few weeks to let him get used to the idea.
Good luck.

humanji

As Dizzyblonde says, just sit him down and tell him. Maybe dont' tell him exactly what he did in case he does try and twist it, you could just say that he was making you uncomfortable or that he was a little too close etc.

Or if you don't want to go with confrontation, if you do see him when he's sober, refer to him as your brother, making it clear that he's like family and nothing else.

LegacyUser

I think i will have to do just that, thanks for all the replies my head was wrecked from trying to think what best way to go forward with this!