why is it always me?

modmo

Hi guys,
I've been married 11 years and have 3 beautiful boys. I'm a stay at home mum and I also child mind looking after a baby during the week. My life is extremely busy with cooking and cleaning etc and all the other motherly duties. But at the weekend I find that I'm still doing things that a I think my husband should do or at least help with taking my two older sons to their football matches and trying to enterain our 3 year old. I know he works hard but so do I, and his job is over early than mine (I dont feel my job is over till I go to bed). I tried to talk to him about this tonight and although he agreed to maybe do something more with the kids at the weekend he turned it round on me and said he thinks he's depressed. I'm not being funny I get down too sometimes but I have no time to be depressed. I dont think he apreciates me and all that I do. Without sounding big headed etc I think he's very lucky to have my as I have a look going for myself (silm, good-looking,gsoh,ec). I think I have to too soft with him in the past doing everyting for him and the kids and nothing for me. Sometimes I wish I was one of those wives who has their husbands under the thumb cause they seem to gain more respect than I do

ericdred

you deserve a break,
i am married a year and both yself and my wife are working really hard right now before we have kids, so we don't have to when we have them (fingers crossed within the next two year),
he needs to know how you feel - maybe suggest him taking time off to look after the kids while you go to full-time work!

tell him you need a change of career, its his time to have time off, it will be good for him too to spend sometime with the kids, and it will take away some of his pressures.

i believe irish men have this idea that the woman in their lives are there to look after them, THE DAYS OF THE MAN, BRINGING HOME THE MEET ARE GONE!, in this modern society it takes two to look after both your kids and your home, you should not have all that resonsability on your shoulders.

i lost my parents at a very young age and learned quickly how to care for myself, some irish men treat their wifes like their mothers, COP ON LADS!. i feel sorry for you and i thank you for pouring your feelings on here, i for one will be looking after my wife and future family in a none typical irish way, good luck and please let me know what happens.

eric

bronte

I agree with the above post.
You need a break, and to feel appreciated...talk to him.

Carrigart Exile

I am in a similar situation (albeit the roles are reversed) with a wife who takes laziness to an olympic sport. We both work but her involvement with childcare, cooking and cleaning resorts to switching on TV. Got to a point I now do nothing for her, I cook meals that the kids and I want, we go out to places without her and I've made a point of leaving her mess where she leaves it. Finally the point seems to have sunk in and she is making more of an effort perhaps its time to withdraw some of your own labour.

Ericdred, great sweeping generalisations there.

Reku

ericdred wrote: »

you deserve a break,
i am married a year and both yself and my wife are working really hard right now before we have kids, so we don't have to when we have them (fingers crossed within the next two year),
he needs to know how you feel - maybe suggest him taking time off to look after the kids while you go to full-time work!

tell him you need a change of career, its his time to have time off, it will be good for him too to spend sometime with the kids, and it will take away some of his pressures.

i believe irish men have this idea that the woman in their lives are there to look after them, THE DAYS OF THE MAN, BRINGING HOME THE MEET ARE GONE!, in this modern society it takes two to look after both your kids and your home, you should not have all that resonsability on your shoulders.

i lost my parents at a very young age and learned quickly how to care for myself, some irish men treat their wifes like their mothers, COP ON LADS!. i feel sorry for you and i thank you for pouring your feelings on here, i for one will be looking after my wife and future family in a none typical irish way, good luck and please let me know what happens.

eric

Pretty much agree and see my dad as a great example of this:(, I actually do more around the house than he does and yet before the extra travel time even comes into it I actually work more hours per week in my job.:(
I hope if I ever meet the right girl I never take her so badly for granted.

Unfortunately as being a mum is unpaid lads tend not to recognise the fact that it is a full time job and can be easily as stressful as any paid employ. There are no real holidays unless you get time away from the family.

One thing on TV I've had to laugh about that's somewhat relevant here is those Little Tykes adds, there's one with a toy vaccuum cleaner for the girls and a toy lawnmower for the boys... way to follow stereotyping folks...:rolleyes:

im_invisible

if hes saying hes depressed, suggest taking the kids out to the park for a kick-around, or bringing them to thier matches, whatever, would be a good way to combat it,

Dizzyblonde

modmo, I really feel for you. What a cushy life your husband has!
I stayed home to raise our daughters and I know how hard it is (they're grown up now). You need far more help than you're getting from your husband - just going to work isn't enough. It's a question of fair play, and he needs to pitch in a lot more. It's very easy for full-time mothers to be taken for granted and you need to let him see that you're serious about this.
If he is indeed depressed he needs to talk to his GP so he can get help because then he'll be able to be a better husband.
You also need to arrange days off for yourself - go to town shopping with friends or to a beauty salon, or even just for a walk and some lunch out. When he's been looking after the boys single-handedly for a day he'll have a better insight into what your life is like.
This is not selfish, you deserve time out! You're worth it.

Sleepy

Do you really think you should be responding to your husband thinking he might be suffering from depression by glibly telling him that you 'have no time to be depressed'?

Jeez, whatever happened to 'for better or worse'?

Cathmandooo

If he's depressed give him a few numbers for councillors so he can start getting treatment for it. I suggest you have a couple of days away where he minds the children, do you have a sister or some girl friends that you could go on a short break with? He'll soon realise how much work there is with the kids and might start to appreciate all you do. He sounds like my dad and he really annoys me. He works hard yes, but has his evenings and weekends to enjoy himself.

Two funny things over the weekend to prove this happened, dad is on tablets for cholesterol or something, dad had the cheek to give out to me and mam for not reminding him to take his tablets at dinnertime, he said it would be nice if everyone gave a dig out, he doesnt bloody know the meaning of the phrase dig out! He wont even clean up his own plate after the dinner! Also then my 5 year old nephew was up for the weekend and made a comment that his grandad is lazy for sitting watching tv the whole day while nana makes the dinner and does all the work, never a truer word spoken.

I hope you can sort this out sooner rather than later, take action as soon as possible. Take a couple of days away from him and the kids and when you come back sit him down to talk. He might say he was grand with the kids for the few days but explain that he had light at the end of the tunnel with you coming back to take over the reigns, you have no such light!

Good luck with it, hope you sort it out!

shabaz

Mo, couldnt speak to you earlier but yeah, you've taken on it all, little bit your fault also for feeling or wanting to do and be everything to him and the boys. You are still a young woman and great crack fantastic looking, but you have totally given up your whole life as a person, never mind a woman, to for them boys in your life...all 4 of them. Just because you are a mother should not mean all your life goes out the window.

You have to be able to set a side every week a few hours where you take yourself off to go shopping on your own, or go for lunch with us your sisters or a few drinks...i dont know how you survive not having any time to look after your self, so you are the one now that has to change it, and by that i mean telling him, sat is going to be my day for myself or whatever day suits...

Men unfortunatly from where i can see, will let you do it all, thats if you let them get away with it....so nows the time to turn the clocks round.

I remember going to one of them self assertiveness courses a few years back and of course it was mainly older women at it, and they all said the same, they forgot what they were worth, so became un confident because they spent their whole lives giving every last piece of themselves to their husbands and kids, and mostly never really being appreciated for all they done for them, do not let that be you in a few years looking back and saying the same, abit like our mam, when you buy her something nice she still feels she is not worthy of it, i know im rambling but you get the picture.

And great to here that guy there saying about looking after his wife and kids and all that, so there are some good ones out there.....

Talk soon modmo! come to kilkenny...you know you want to

modmo

Thank you to all who replied to my thread especially Ericdred who sounds like a lovely husband and his wife is very lucky.
To Sleepy, I'm sorry I didnt sound sympathetic when my husband said he was depressed, I suggested counciling etc and he said no. How can you help someone who does'nt want to be helped?
Anyway it was very encouraging to get so many replies and to know people out there know what I'm going through. I did talk to my husband yesterday and he agreed to take the boys out every Sunday morning for a couple of hours (which I'm going to hold him to). But what's upsetting me is the fact that I've had to ask him to spend some time with his sons. I thought most Dad's would jump at the chance. Thank you all again and I'll let you know how things go.

Dragan

modmo wrote: »

Thank you to all who replied to my thread especially Ericdred who sounds like a lovely husband and his wife is very lucky.
To Sleepy, I'm sorry I didnt sound sympathetic when my husband said he was depressed, I suggested counciling etc and he said no. How can you help someone who does'nt want to be helped?
Anyway it was very encouraging to get so many replies and to know people out there know what I'm going through. I did talk to my husband yesterday and he agreed to take the boys out every Sunday morning for a couple of hours (which I'm going to hold him to). But what's upsetting me is the fact that I've had to ask him to spend some time with his sons. I thought most Dad's would jump at the chance. Thank you all again and I'll let you know how things go.

If your husband really is depressed then it would explain his lack of desire to do pretty much anything.

Give it a little time then get back on to him about dealing with the depression. He needs to realise that what affects him is affecting you and his family as well.

syklops

Sleepy wrote: »

Do you really think you should be responding to your husband thinking he might be suffering from depression by glibly telling him that you 'have no time to be depressed'?

Jeez, whatever happened to 'for better or worse'?

I have to agree here. Telling him to pull him self together is not very supportive. If he is depressed, talk to him about it, ask him what he wants. Ask him would he like to stay at home and you work instead?

Also, I dont mean to be mean/rude, but:

I think he's very lucky to have my as I have alot going for myself (silm, good-looking,gsoh,ec)

This sounds like a personal ad. It would be more sincere if you said: "He is lucky to have me because I love him, and im very supportive". Given the choice between looks and love, in marriage, I know which I would choose.

Also, dont forget he said he would do more with the kids.

modmo

good news guys, I had a very long chat with my husband and we have cleared the air. He said he agreed with everything I said about not doing more with the kids. He doesnt know why he never did anything with them before i.e. taking the to the park, etc maybe because his Dad never did anything like that with him when he was a boy. But he fells that's no excuse and he's willing to make amends. He's going to start taking them out more on the weekends and letting me have some me-time etc. He also said that he doesnt think that he's really depressed and just feels down sometimes. We are going to work together to try and make things better for both of us. I'm so glad we had our chat, there is a lot of love there still and we have a responsibility to our children to make our marriage work. Thank you for your kind replies.

bronte

That's great modmo! I'm so glad you had a talk.
Sometimes communication is key!
I hope you get your well deserved you-time and it all works out!

MagicMarker

modmo wrote: »

Without sounding big headed etc I think he's very lucky to have my as I have a look going for myself (silm, good-looking,gsoh,ect

Miss Donegal?

Nevyn

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