Eventually i broke up with her...help...

LegacyUser

i've already posted as unreg few weeks ago, I've asked for advice coz the love was gone and I wonder i could break up with my gf in the best way possible (if there is any...)
I've been in this relationship for 2 years, I loved her to bits but for some unknown reasons (it sounds crazy, i know) I found myself not in love anymore...
I started to feel better when she is not around, I noticed other girls (but I haven' t cheated on her), I felt not ready for any serious committments...(she asked me to move in and live togheter)...
The good thing is that we don't share a place, we are not married and there are no children, it's just me and her.
The bad thing is that she means a lot to me, we work in the same office and i'll see her every morning...
It took me a long time to tell her the thruth, I tried harder to make this working but I failed...
Yesterday we picked up a fight for stupid reasons, she shouted at me and at that point everything came out from my mouth, I told her all my doubts, my lack of love and that we need to break up....she was in tears (so was I) and I felt awful looking at her in pain...I can't believe that I make her suffer like this, she is special and lovely and i feel so guilty and miserable...
She called me twice since yesterday, she is asking to meet me to fix this but I said I can't do that...she is in pain, crying and begging me to give her another chance...
everything is such a mess in my mind, i'm ruining her life and I dunno what to do...
sorry for the big rant, i hope to get some advice from you...i really feel like sh*t now...

dudara

Take a deep breath OP and exhale slowly. A lot of posters here will admire your bravery in breaking up with someone you don't love anymore rather than stringing her along. But that's not much consolation to your ex right now. She's hurt and sore and lonely and of course it's a natural reaction on your part to want to help her. You were there for her through so many things and you want to be there for her now.

Unfortunately talking to her right now is not going to help matters. Leave her alone for a period of time. In a while you can sit down together and discuss things rationally.

LegacyUser

That's tough man...you did well though, sometimes words can just come out in arguements but you have calmed down since then and you are still thinking the same so i can't help but think that you did the right thing...

MagicMarker

Honestly, i would have thought of ways to work through it. If you work together then to me that seems to be a problem. No matter how much i cared for someone i could not be with them all day in work and then in the evenings as well.

I think some time apart will do you good but don't give up on it yet.

LegacyUser

MagicMarker wrote: »

Honestly, i would have thought of ways to work through it. If you work together then to me that seems to be a problem. No matter how much i cared for someone i could not be with them all day in work and then in the evenings as well.

I think some time apart will do you good but don't give up on it yet.

I did try again, I already told her once all my doubts and we decided to fix this together...
But love is something u can't fix when it is broken...

She is crying at home alone now, and i'm so so sad...

pretty-in-pink

Awful Unreg wrote: »

I did try again, I already told her once all my doubts and we decided to fix this together...
But love is something u can't fix when it is broken...

She is crying at home alone now, and i'm so so sad...

All break ups are sad. Some are permanent, some aren't. However, for now, you should both take some space. Her friends can help her stand on her own feet, don't encourage a co-dependancy, it will not end well. Its not a nice place for you to be in, nor is it for her. Esp the way it happened. Give it some time, then meet somewhere nuetral and public for a talk. See what happens. Baby steps is probably the best way to approach this

Foxy Minkz

The same thing happened me a few years ago - fell out of love with a guy that i was going out with for 3 years. Broke up with him and it took him a long time to get over it, we still remain great friends to this day.

He is now madly in love with his current girlfriend who he has been seeing for the last few years.

What I'm trying to say is that every-thing happens for a reason and if i had just carried on in our relationship he would not be with his current girlfriend who adores him.

Me on the other hand has not meet 1 guy since breaking up with him that i have any interest in, funny that.....

I think the most important thing is that you cannot be in a relationship if you are not in love with the other person any more, you are only kidding yourself and your partner and its not fair on anyone.

She will get over you, all it takes is time, time is the greatest healer.

Hope this helps you some bit.

LegacyUser

I know it was supposed to be hard for the fact we work in the same office, and so it is unfortunately.
She is begging me to have a conversation today, but i need some space so i can't do it so soon...
I just need to think about us, i'm just too emotional and I don't want to make a mistake (feel bad and end up with her again)
I'm asking for a couple of days, we will have this conversation because i owe her one, but she is calling me a coward because i can't face her just now.
I feel so sick and sad now, things are going very bad and I don't want this... :_(

thecleverone

She called me twice since yesterday, she is asking to meet me to fix this but I said I can't do that...she is in pain, crying and begging me to give her another chance...

I've been where you are. Believe me when i say i know how you feel. Your heart is breaking for the other person even though you were the one that initiated the break up. When i broke up with my ex after 4 years being together, i kept picturing him heartbroken and in pieces. And he was. I was too but i knew the breakup was for the best. Her pain or your pain is not going to go away over night. The heavy feeling in your heart and the head wrecking pictures in your head of her being upset will eventually lessen and you'll get on with your life... and so will she.

everything is such a mess in my mind, i'm ruining her life and I dunno what to do...

You are not ruining her life. You said above that you care very deeply for her but you don't love her anymore. You would be ruining her life to stay in a relationship where you do not love her anymore. That would be more detremental than breaking up.

You cannot stay in a relationship because you hate the thought of them being upset, you feel sorry for them, or you hate the thought of them/you being on your own. You should only be in a relationship with someone who you truly love. Don't settle for anything less. Things do get better. There was a time when i didn't think they would, but they did.

My heart goes out to you because i know how you feel. If you ever need a shoulder, PM me.

milkerman

It is genuinely heart warming to think that you still care for this girls feelings, but if you are sure it's over then you should proceed to finalise the break in a way that causes her the least upset.
If you work with her you might want to look around for another job

LegacyUser

thank you for all your words, really appreciated.
We had a calm chat tonight and i opened my heart, it did hurt for her to hear that i'm not in love...she thinks i lied to her as until last week i said i was in love..
It ended in tears for both of us,i feel that i miss her a lot (i was happy at the beginning) but i don't want to go back into a relationship if i'm not 100% sure of my feelings, otherwise i will just prolong things and waste her time.
I feel so miserable now...

killian1980

Well done OP, you did well. I was actually going to start a similar topic but no point now. I'm going out with my girlfriend just over seven years, and if I'm being honest, I'm not in love with her anymore. I know I should just tell her, but I care for her so much that I can't stand the thought of hurting her. I'm being a big coward here, I really cannot face confronting her with this. A lot of our friends have got engaged recently, and I suppose the thought of that has made me realize that my heart's just not in it. It sounds like an awful cliche but there's such a huge difference between loving someone and being in love.

lauren_f

how can u say u care so much for the girl.. if u care so much for her then u obviously do love her! just cos maybe u dont fancy her quite so much anymore, doesnt mean u dont love her. the fancy factor fades in every relationship!

TheJoker

Awful Unreg wrote: »

We had a calm chat tonight and i opened my heart

I think that was the best move you could have made. Something similar happened to me a while back and all I wanted was answers to my questions.

Was it something I could have changed?
Did I do something to bring this on?
Is there someone else?

All these questions will be running through her head, but sitting down and having a open honest chat with her and answering the questions may give her a bit of a clearer head.

All the best with it, and good luck.

Dave147

He loves her, but he's not *in* love with her. There is a difference, tremendous difference in fact.

Overheal

dudara wrote: »

Take a deep breath OP and exhale slowly. A lot of posters here will admire your bravery in breaking up with someone you don't love anymore rather than stringing her along. But that's not much consolation to your ex right now. She's hurt and sore and lonely and of course it's a natural reaction on your part to want to help her. You were there for her through so many things and you want to be there for her now.

Unfortunately talking to her right now is not going to help matters. Leave her alone for a period of time. In a while you can sit down together and discuss things rationally.

+1.

Its time you need to think or to explore: either you want to find something else; go it alone for a while; or go back and find out what got lost and why (your love for her). You may already know the answer but give it time to compile.

leeroybrown

I'll echo what Dudara says also. I've seen situations where relationships have been dragged on for months (close to years) because spineless fools couldn't bring themselves to break up despite long periods of doubt where they couldn't make it work. In the end it's worse for everyone involved.

LegacyUser

Hi OP, just want to say I was in a similar situation a few years ago with a girl I had been going out with for a year and a half. A few months before it ended I knew my heart wasn't in it but I still cared a lot about her; I was her first long term boyfriend too and she was a few years younger than me which made it even harder. I didn't have the courage to make a clean break, as I thought it would be too great a blow to her self confidence; so over the space a few months I gradually withdrew from the relationship until she ended up breaking up with me.

I was very sad about the whole thing for quite a while, but at the time it seemed to me to be the best way that I could end it. In hindsight, I think it worked out ok. We've both moved on since then, and though we only see each other occasionally, whenever we do meet we get on well together. It definitely gets easier over time!

Dagon

Interesting how so many people have had this same issue, e.g. Killian.

Sometimes I have periods of serious doubt. Like right now...

Then I come out of it, and feel ok. Then doubting again... drives me crazy. Sometimes I wonder if I'm staying in the relationship out of just habit and because inwardly I'm lonely. I feel like even thinking this is a sin, because I know she would be very hurt. She wants us to be together forever, have kids, marry, etc. That is what I want too, and I've told her.. only now I'm not so sure I want it with her, and it tears me apart inside because I don't want to hurt anyone or rock the happy boat.

I'm going to read a book called "too good to leave, too bad to stay", I suggest some of you guys look it up as well!

Relationship ambivalence is a horrible thing...

thecleverone

because I don't want to hurt anyone or rock the happy boat

The only person you're gonna hurt in the long run is yourself. If you are not 100% committed to the relationship, you should really reconsider your situation. You could potentially be robbing yourself of happiness in the future with someone else.

Dagon

thecleverone wrote: »

The only person you're gonna hurt in the long run is yourself. If you are not 100% committed to the relationship, you should really reconsider your situation. You could potentially be robbing yourself of happiness in the future with someone else.

Jesus don't say that.. it's hard enough to know where my head is at the moment.

Blackpitts

Dagon wrote: »

Jesus don't say that.. it's hard enough to know where my head is at the moment.

well. i think you should consider also the fact that you are robbing her time, maybe she could find another boy willing to give her what she wants instead of wasting time in a dead-end relationship.
I'm sorry if i sound a little bit harsh, but you have a big responsibility in your hands, your gf happiness is depending on whatever you decide...

his-lil-lady

i have been where your girlfriend is now and i am back in the same place because of the same guy. i loved him more than anything and he broke up with me not once but twice. its horrible getting hurt so bad by someone you love so much, but iv realised that if we had taken our time getting back with each other the first time then this second hurt wouldnt have been.

you do owe her a talk to explain these things but dont do it now. she needs time to realise what exactly happened. i kept on texting my boyfriend when we broke up which probably caused him to come back to fast. that was great in the short term but the worst thing to do longterm. please dont make this mistake because getting hurt so bad by the same person twice is even worse.

it will take her time but she will have to realise that if ye are meant to be ye will be. i know it sounds stupid but its what im holding onto right now myself. i dont really know what else to say but just try and concentrate on other things. also anything she does now will be because of how much shes hurting, so if ye do get back together or if ye stay friends, dont hold anything she says or does against her. and also i really believe that the advice from your or her or common friends that ye may have should not be taken too seriously. you need to stick to this decision on your own or if its the case a few months from now you change your mind, well you have to make that decision on your own too. its about the both of you and no one else.

sorry if i sound a bit crazy, im just a lil sad right now.

killian1980

his-lil-lady wrote: »

sorry if i sound a bit crazy, im just a lil sad right now.

You don't sound crazy at all, and I hope you feel better soon. The thought of making my girlfriend sad is what's stopping me from telling her how I feel. Yet I know that if I keep up this pretense, I'm only going to hurt her more in the long run. She's a wonderful, amazing person and she deserves to be with someone who loves her. I just don't know how to tell her.

TheJoker

"...you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free." John 8:32


I am not the religious type, but I think this saying is fitting for the OP's situation.