What Will I Do?

kathandkim

Hi

Hopefully someone can help?

I've just broken up with my boyfriend because he finds it difficult to express how he feels about me. We've been through an awful lot and he's always been there for me. He has a heart of gold.

Recently though, we've hit a rough patch. You see I suffer from depression, and circumstances aren't all that great. I have a young child from before I met him and things are difficult with his Dad. I've been struggling financially for a long time. I started working again full-time and it only seems to have added to the pressure. I love him, but I don't think I was in the right frame of mind to start a relationship when we did.

Like I said, he finds it difficult to express his feelings about me, however he doesn't have a problem pointing out when I've overstepped a line etc... I don't really mind that actually. I just find it difficult, when I'm feeling low anyway, to make myself better when all I'm hearing from him at times are the bad things I do.

I love him. I don't want to lose him, but I panicked and ended it all. He's the best guy I've ever had the good fortune to meet. We've just had a rocky ride. Does anyone have any pearls of wisdom for me?

Thanks,
Kathy

Marksie

Kathy, why did you panic and end it.

Its a truism that you are responsible for your own happiness and unhappiness. So what has you in the frame of mine which states that he must be tiotallyexpressive. And to what extent does this expression of feelings take? Is it a simple i love you or a repeat set of assurances that you are requiring? if the latter is the case then such assurances become meaningless.
Could it be that you yourself are insecure and seek these reasurances, having not got them you simply decided to end it all because it would not work in your estimation?

There are some "rules" as such which apply in a slightly different context but can be taken into the realtionship.
One of these is that if you want your partner to be vulnerable, be vunerable yourself. That is, if you want him to open to you, then you open first.

Look to yourself first and your reasonings, see where this has come.
Edit: the fact you say he has been there for you throughout actuallty does say more than words can.

Best of luck
mark

AngryBadger

kathandkim wrote: »

I love him, but I don't think I was in the right frame of mind to start a relationship when we did.

To be fair to both of you, I think this single statement is probably the major reason you're having these difficulties. I'm not pointing the finger of blame at you, but observing that there are a lot of situations where it's nearly impossible to correct a problem until your head is in a certain place. In other words, while you may want to continues things with your "ex-)bf, that may not be possible until you're able to get your head into the right palce.

I know this is a typically vague response, but in my experience people can only sort their heads out themselves, nothing anyone else ays is going to help you with that because in many cases what tey're saying won't even make any sense to you until you can look back on it when you have sorted yourself out.

The other point I'd like to make is that your partner is at fault here as well. It's not good enough for him to say he has difficulty expressing himself except when he wants to give out to you.

A relationship needs people to cmmunicate with each toher. i have no doubt that it's possible for you to sort out your personal problems and stay with your partner, but in order for that to happen he needs to take a few steps in terms of expressing himself to you.

Even without your history of depression it's very frustrating (and damaging to a relationship) when your partner is holding back. I've had this pointed out to me by several partners over the years.

As to how you solve this problem, I'm afraid you're just going to have to go thoguh all the usual motions, if you haen'#t already. Sit him down and explain all this to him.

Bear in mind tha YOU DUMPED HIM. So it's all on you to call him, tell him that you don't want to be apart that you want to make this work, but make it clear that you need him to communicate with you.

Other people probably have better advice on how exactly you might get him t do this, my vapid intolerance of anyone who doesn't share my views and tendency to brand them an idiot means I'm automatically limited when it comes to this kind of thing

thecleverone

he finds it difficult to express his feelings about me

The thing to remember is that everyone has a different way of expressing their feelings. Its not so much about the words as it is about the actions. I've been in a relationship in the past where my partner would say he loved me on a daily basis but his actions were to the contrary (hence past relationship!).

Recently though, we've hit a rough patch. You see I suffer from depression, and circumstances aren't all that great. I have a young child from before I met him and things are difficult with his Dad. I've been struggling financially for a long time. I started working again full-time and it only seems to have added to the pressure. I love him, but I don't think I was in the right frame of mind to start a relationship when we did

It seems from above that you are concentrating a lot on the negative things in life which is something we all deal with at one point of another. You say you love him and you don't want to lose him and i suggest that you tell him this. He's not a mind reader. But if you still think there's a chance to make a go of it, i'd do something sooner rather than later before its too late.

I love him.

To me this says it all. Don't let him go. Be honest and open with him about how you're feeling.

kathandkim

Thanks Mark

I am insecure. I definately seek reassurances. It's silly because I know he loves me, but I feel day-to-day he treats me no differently to any other girl in his life.

I totally agree that you are responsible for your own happiness, and I am struggling to do that right now. But if it were the other way around I think I'd be doing my best to point out something I love about him everytime I saw him. Then the negatives he brings wouldn't hurt so badly.

I guess I'm left feeling a bit like I'm a complete disaster in his life, and it makes me wonder why he goes out with me at all?

Marksie

kathandkim wrote: »

I am insecure. I definately seek reassurances. It's silly because I know he loves me, but I feel day-to-day he treats me no differently to any other girl in his life.

Day-to-day maybe, but when you are alone and intimate its different? You cannot have all highs

kathandkim wrote: »

I totally agree that you are responsible for your own happiness, and I am struggling to do that right now. But if it were the other way around I think I'd be doing my best to point out something I love about him everytime I saw him. Then the negatives he brings wouldn't hurt so badly.

Are you saying one the one hand all he does is critiscise you? or are you percieving what he says in a negative light because of your mindset?
But saying something positive every time doesnt sit well with me, it does strike of a constant need for reaffirmation, a need to be constantly told that you are loved.
By all means ask him not to be so nefgative, but if you are aware that he loves you, that he has been there for you, look at that as a positive not something to be taken for granted.
Also, is wjhat he is saying in a "negative" sense actually negative or another take on things whihc you are perceiving as negative?

kathandkim wrote: »

I guess I'm left feeling a bit like I'm a complete disaster in his life, and it makes me wonder why he goes out with me at all?

Here we come to it, I beleive that this could be getting close to what a large part of the issue is.

He could do better, i am a disaster in his life, he may leave me, i need reassurance. I am not getting it so i will leave him first.

There are excellent views being expressed by other posters here. Something for you to think about Kathy is all of whats being said.
What you havent told us, is how he has handled the breakup?

Carrigart Exile

Kathy, talk is cheap its actions that really matter; and your guy by his actions showed you he loved you.