Is he cheating?? Opinions greatly appriceated :)

LadyLashes

Hey all, I have a problem and need to hear what people who I don't know make of the situation...

My dad has been going through a bad patch the last 5 years or so.(He has been getting help for it on and off) He had an accident that changed his life and in the meen time his moods and views on things have effected the family. He is not happy in his current job but can't get a job that he would prefer to do due to his injury. He regularly thinks we (Sister mam & myself) & the world are against him, don't love him & that he has no one. Last Wednesday that had a fight about something and said some hurtful things to my mam... She'd had his crap thrown at her before and tried to reason but she couldn't forgive him this time. They are married 21 years (Just incase anyone was wondering)

Now, he went way Saturday morning with work for a meeting and after was a party for the staff... One of those little do's(It was an over night thing) My mam got a txt at 4.30 in the morning from my dad saying "Whats that outside your window? Room 4 for help."(His room number was room 4) My mam thought this was weird... As would I. So he came home Sunday afternoon, looked a mess btw, I looked at him and instantly thought something wasn't right with him. (I know sounds stupid looking at him and thinking something) Anyway came into the sitting room bearly said hello checked the tele text and went to bed. (Keep in mind they are still not talking from Wednesday night)
He left his phone down stairs and (I know its wrong and all the rest) my mam was puzzled about this text went into his messages to see what it was about. No inbox txts(Hes been deleting texts a lot more recently) no sent items but in his delivery reports was a number with no name to it and under was the same txt my mam got also at 4.30am.(He doesn't know the txt saves with the delivery) There was another text in the delivery reports at 10am saying "Are you up yet?" then a call to the number two minutes after. My mam and myself called the number later on in the night and it was a woman that my dad works with and has the hotts for him. Shes a good looking woman as well but so is my mam (Just in case anyone was wondering again)
When my mam asked him about the text he sent her at 4.30 in the morning he said "Oh love I'm sorry I didn't realize I sent that to you, that was ment for one of the lads as a joke." My mam instantly told him "you're lying" but he insisted it was the truth until she proved it to him and hes response was "I didn't tell you I txt her because I didn't want you to react like this & why are you going through my phone?" I wouldn't know what reaction dad was expecting as my mam wouldn't react in that manner if there was nothing to hide and she never has throughout their relationship. That to me kind of stood out as fear...like afraid to tell because he knew it wasn't right?? Was the text and invitation for your woman to come over to his room?? He said the text was a joke. They had been telling ghost stories that night and he was messing around... At 4.30 in the morning..... He told his friend he was in bed at 2.00am (Also a friend of my mams) but told mam he was awake all night getting sick due to too much drink... But he had the time to look through his book to find a number for a joke??

What do you guys make of this?? Appologies for how long it is, I wanted to try make it as clear as possible. Any thoughts???????
Thanks alot everyone Xx

Carrigart Exile

sounds like a bit of office flirting and nothing else. The ghost story thing does have a ring of truth about it. Also, you should step back and leave your mum and dad to settle their own problems rather than you stoking the fires.

finbarrk

More than likely if he was with the lady he wouldn't have time for silly texts, also he wouldn't have to be texting her regarding is she up in the morning.
He is probably a bit bored with things at home anyway, maybe he tried to get the lady to bed and she wouldn't do it.

Beruthiel

Just so I know I'm getting this straight?
You look at his phone.
You show the results to your mother and cause trouble where there maybe none.
This relationship between your parents, whatever state it's in, is between them and you should keep out of it at all costs. You would appear to be adding fuel to the flames.
As finbarrk said above, he'd hardly be texting her if he was sleeping with her.
No wonder he thinks you are all against him, he's not wrong.

AngryBadger

Beruthiel wrote: »

Just so I know I'm getting this straight?
You look at his phone.
You show the results to your mother and cause trouble where there maybe none.
This relationship between your parents, whatever state it's in, is between them and you should keep out of it at all costs. You would appear to be adding fuel to the flames.
As finbarrk said above, he'd hardly be texting her if he was sleeping with her.
No wonder he thinks you are all against him, he's not wrong.

+1

Beruthiel

Beruthiel wrote: »

Just so I know I'm getting this straight?
You look at his phone.
You show the results to your mother and cause trouble where there maybe none.
This relationship between your parents, whatever state it's in, is between them and you should keep out of it at all costs. You would appear to be adding fuel to the flames.
As finbarrk said above, he'd hardly be texting her if he was sleeping with her.
No wonder he thinks you are all against him, he's not wrong.

+2

Yer poor dad

moco

I'd just keep out of it if I were you! As everyone's said it's your parent's relationship and you're putting doubt in your mum's mind. It's easy to read bad intentions into texts if you want to.

My dad can't text and one time i was looking through his phone (he'd asked me to) and found a big long text to a mate of his when him and my mum were on holidays. I got it into my head there was something odd going on between him and his mate and that he'd been lying about not being able to text!!!

Anyway I mentioned it to my mum and she'd actually written it from my dad's phone as he'd asked her to.

Basically all I'm trying to say is don't go jumping to conclusions, you're parent's are married 21 years and have never I presume doubted each other before so don't put ideas in their heads!

Daithio

Beruthiel wrote: »

Just so I know I'm getting this straight?
You look at his phone.
You show the results to your mother and cause trouble where there maybe none.
This relationship between your parents, whatever state it's in, is between them and you should keep out of it at all costs. You would appear to be adding fuel to the flames.
As finbarrk said above, he'd hardly be texting her if he was sleeping with her.
No wonder he thinks you are all against him, he's not wrong.

+3

Living in that house sounds like such a nightmare. Leave the poor guy alone and chill out ffs.

LegacyUser

Beruthiel wrote: »

Just so I know I'm getting this straight?
You look at his phone.
You show the results to your mother and cause trouble where there maybe none.
This relationship between your parents, whatever state it's in, is between them and you should keep out of it at all costs. You would appear to be adding fuel to the flames.
As finbarrk said above, he'd hardly be texting her if he was sleeping with her.
No wonder he thinks you are all against him, he's not wrong.

OP wrote:

He left his phone down stairs and (I know its wrong and all the rest) my mam was puzzled about this text went into his messages to see what it was about.

Seems like the mam looked at the texts initially and confided in the OP. So the OP is not "adding fuel", but rather is being involved.

The second text does look a little out of place, although it could be the case that he went up at 4:30 then went back to his own room later that night or vice versa. There is no real basis for that though. Office flirting would be more likely perhaps?

LadyLashes

Beruthiel wrote: »

Just so I know I'm getting this straight?
You look at his phone.
You show the results to your mother

Nope folks I didn't look at his phone, I never do. My mam looked at the phone and showed me... I don't want any part in it. My mam is asking me for the support and I will be there if she needs a shoulder to cry on(Shes confused and hurt). So I am not adding fuel to the fire, I'm just there for my mam.

Amazotheamazing

Why would he need to text her at half 4 if he was having an affair? Won't they just share a room, give each other a key to the room or any number of more straightforward ways of getting into each others rooms?

Beruthiel

LadyLashes wrote: »

Nope folks I didn't look at his phone, I never do. My mam looked at the phone and showed me... I don't want any part in it. My mam is asking me for the support and I will be there if she needs a shoulder to cry on(Shes confused and hurt). So I am not adding fuel to the fire, I'm just there for my mam.

Your mother should know better than to get you involved. It's selfish.
This is between your parents and to involved your child in that is lacking in consideration.
Tell her you don't wish to become involved in this.
Getting you involved means you are required to take sides and look at your father differently. A very unfair thing to ask any child to do.

The point still stands though, if he were sleeping with her he wouldn't have been texting her at the same time.
Your mother needs to sort out whatever is going on in her head without causing the rest of you this worry and hassle and it's your father she needs to be talking to, not going round behind his back like this.

LadyLashes

Ananbread wrote: »

Seems like the mam looked at the texts initially and confided in the OP. So the OP is not "adding fuel", but rather is being involved

Thankyou I am glad someone got that I am not a busy body poking my nose in.
And regarding the txt she thought the same thin. My mam had said to me was it a text for her to come over?? And there were no texts after that maybe if she did come over?? And the next morning text could have just been to get her up for breakfast I know that. Its just strange to me. I know as a few said it could be totally innocent. But it doesnt look good really.

seamus

Sounds like:

Your mother has a problem with this woman, causing her to get grumpy and sulky if your father even mentions her name.

Your father however is a colleague of this woman, perhaps a friend and maybe is even flattered by her attention. Who wouldn't be?

Thus, whenever she contacts him or he contacts her, he doesn't mention it to your mother to avoid the inevitable huffing and puffing and arguments that may ensue.

So he goes away for the night, has a bit of craic, gets hammered, sends her a text relating to the events of the evening but accidentally sends it to your mother. When challenged, he doesn't mention her name - see the above paragraph.

When talking to a family friend, he mentions that he went to bed at 2am, when in fact he was up puking for a while. Presumably a man of his age doesn't want to admit that he was on his hands and knees over the toilet bowl for half the night.

All fairly innocent to me. I would say that the fight on Wednesday is probably clouding your mother's judgement.

LadyLashes

[QUOTE=
Living in that house sounds like such a nightmare. Leave the poor guy alone and chill out ffs.[/QUOTE]
What living in our house is like is not on discussion here, so please don't say nasty things like that. I'm asking for helpful advice from people not to be told "chill out ffs". I'm trying to be as chilled as I can be. Thanks

Drummerboy2

It sounds as if your Dad is correct that you are ganging up on him at home. No right to go near his phone. He probably had a late night, hence the deshevelled looks. Obviously your parents need space to sort out problems. Perhaps you should send them off on a weekend.

LadyLashes

Beruthiel wrote: »

Your mother should know better than to get you involved. It's selfish.
This is between your parents and to involved your child in that is lacking in consideration.
Tell her you don't wish to become involved in this.
Getting you involved means you are required to take sides and look at your father differently. A very unfair thing to ask any child to do.

The point still stands though, if he were sleeping with her he wouldn't have been texting her at the same time.
Your mother needs to sort out whatever is going on in her head without causing the rest of you this worry and hassle and it's your father she needs to be talking to, not going round behind his back like this.

Yeah I see what your saying and understand. I don't think she is selfish. Maybe it was the wrong decision but whats done is done. I just think she was looking for a little support. And I won't look at my dad differently. I love him as much as before, the only difference is I feel sad for him and wish there was something we could do to help.
Regarding the text, don't you think he could have text her before?? As it being a possible invitation to come over??

LadyLashes

Drummerboy2 wrote: »

It sounds as if your Dad is correct that you are ganging up on him at home. No right to go near his phone. He probably had a late night, hence the deshevelled looks. Obviously your parents need space to sort out problems. Perhaps you should send them off on a weekend.

Definitely not ganging up on him.

But I do like the idea of sending them off for some time together. Thanks!

MLE

You poor thing, it must be hard knowing the details of your parents problems, Im sure there was nothing to the texts and hopefully your parents can sort things out between themselves.

Im sure you are more like your mothers friend rather than her daughter at your age and so I can see why she confided in you. My mum confides in me too so I understand that she wasnt being selfish.

I just hope they can move past this as it must be stressful having all that going on.

padser

There is very rarely a problem in a relationship like that where it is completely one parties fault, and yet from your text its completely obvious that you side with your mother and see her point of view all the time.

Everything you say is from your mothers point of view.

Of course your father is going to think you are all against him - since it looks very much like he is not far off the mark.

My advice is to stay out of your parents relationship.

LadyLashes

MLE wrote: »

You poor thing, it must be hard knowing the details of your parents problems, Im sure there was nothing to the texts and hopefully your parents can sort things out between themselves.

Im sure you are more like your mothers friend rather than her daughter at your age and so I can see why she confided in you. My mum confides in me too so I understand that she wasnt being selfish.

I just hope they can move past this as it must be stressful having all that going on.

Thanks MLE, me too. Its hurtful to know that they are both hurt you know.
But yeah as you said I am more of a friend to my mam and I also confide in her.

LadyLashes

seamus wrote: »

Sounds like:

Your mother has a problem with this woman, causing her to get grumpy and sulky if your father even mentions her name.

Your father however is a colleague of this woman, perhaps a friend and maybe is even flattered by her attention. Who wouldn't be?

Thus, whenever she contacts him or he contacts her, he doesn't mention it to your mother to avoid the inevitable huffing and puffing and arguments that may ensue.

So he goes away for the night, has a bit of craic, gets hammered, sends her a text relating to the events of the evening but accidentally sends it to your mother. When challenged, he doesn't mention her name - see the above paragraph.

When talking to a family friend, he mentions that he went to bed at 2am, when in fact he was up puking for a while. Presumably a man of his age doesn't want to admit that he was on his hands and knees over the toilet bowl for half the night.

All fairly innocent to me. I would say that the fight on Wednesday is probably clouding your mother's judgement.

Hello, Em first my mam doesn't have a problem with this woman, infact shes met her a couple of times and thought she was lovely. Over friendly but lovely. My dad freely spoke about her before my mam wouldn't think twice about it as I said shes not jealous paranoid etc... (I should have mentioned that sorry) Plus I don't think the problem is with her, it's in my mams mind that did he send the text as an invitation?? And if he did...

My dad of course he would be flattered as you said who wouldn't be? Thats all well and good. Everyone is entitled to a little boost often or not.

And dad has problems with his tummy so when he drinks he is always over the toilet bowl this is not uncommon and everyone knows about it.

But yes definitely I think that Wednesday could be bothering her and her mind is working over time and thinking the worst. Thanks for taking the time to write!

girliegirl

I also think this all sounds fairly innocent. Drunken flirting, nothing wrong with that. Plus if they had something to hide, i think he would have just called her room. Just my opinion, no-one knows the ins and outs of it all except your mum and dad... id leave it that way if I were you and stay out of it.

Hope it all works out ok with your dad regardless.

LadyLashes

padser wrote: »

There is very rarely a problem in a relationship like that where it is completely one parties fault, and yet from your text its completely obvious that you side with your mother and see her point of view all the time.

Everything you say is from your mothers point of view.

Of course your father is going to think you are all against him - since it looks very much like he is not far off the mark.

My advice is to stay out of your parents relationship.

Firstly I am not siding tbh, sorry if it comes off like that. I am just writing to you guys about what I know. With regarding the text. Its the text is the most worrying part even if nothing didn't happen... Its the "But did he want something to happen??"etc... those thoughts you know.

Thinking everyone is against him thing is not only with us, that was backgrouond info. Nothing to do with this really I was just giving an insight as to his mental condition and the like. For example, if he was to do a bet and the horse lost.... The world is out to get him. Something happens to his car.... Someone hates me....
Regarding this situation to him I don't know what is going on(Hence I can't be against him) and I'd like him not to know either for the above reasons.

And again I am not interfering in their relationship. Just being there for my mam.

LadyLashes

girliegirl wrote: »

I also think this all sounds fairly innocent. Drunken flirting, nothing wrong with that. Plus if they had something to hide, i think he would have just called her room. Just my opinion, no-one knows the ins and outs of it all except your mum and dad... id leave it that way if I were you and stay out of it.

Hope it all works out ok with your dad regardless.

Thanks girlirgirl

LadyLashes

Yeah you guys are probably right though. It was probably just harmless flirting. Thanks much for the replies and the help x

LegacyUser

Beruthiel wrote: »

Just so I know I'm getting this straight?
You look at his phone.
You show the results to your mother and cause trouble where there maybe none.
This relationship between your parents, whatever state it's in, is between them and you should keep out of it at all costs. You would appear to be adding fuel to the flames.
As finbarrk said above, he'd hardly be texting her if he was sleeping with her.
No wonder he thinks you are all against him, he's not wrong.

Spot on with that post...

SarahMc

Your mam was out of order showing you that text. It is not your place to be her support in marital difficulties/relationship blips. Keep out of it.

PHILIPMCKEOWN

If hes cheating you can cheat with me!

Beruthiel

PHILIPMCKEOWN wrote: »

If hes cheating you can cheat with me!

Read the charter and rules before you get yourself banned from this forum.
B

If it was me i'd keep well out of it, Let them handle their own problems

syklops

LadyLashes wrote: »

(Hes been deleting texts a lot more recently)

If you dont check his phone, how do you know he has been deleteing texts alot more? Also is it not possible that this woman is just listening to his problems? When he sent the text at have 4 saying are you up? Maybe he wanted to talk to her.

Or heres a thought. When your Mother rang the number and a woman answered, maybe it was the number of one of the lads from work, and his wife is checking his phone as well.

Loopy

Its horrible having friction like that in the family, and although everyone seems to be telling you not to get involved, you are in the middle of it whether you like it or not cos you live at home (I assume)..

If your mum is suffering i think its cruel for people here to be advising you to tell her you don't want to get involved, she is confused and needs to talk about it.

I dont think from what i've read that your Dad is playing around, it seems he's a bit down in the dumps and enjoying a bit of banter through text, ego boost or whatever.. A week-end away is defo a good idea for them.

Hope it all works out.....

*Page*

ok, there seems to be a bit of pushing at the fact that the mum involved the daughter. Some familys are very open.

I do think its not on if the op was the on elooking into it and stiring it with the mum but if the mum trusts her daughters jugment and is trying to make sure she's not getting the wrong end of the stick then fine let it be.

If your dad cheat on your mum with this woman you'll find out soon enough. if he start's changing his habit's (going to the pub with the lads more often than before, go away with work more often etc)

If he gets snappy when work is mentioned or if anything is questioned (not in an irterigation manner as in ~ so how was work today? or Did you have a good time with the lads tonight?)

these are all tell tell sign's...

the best thing to do right now and its best for your mum too is to file this away as misc. and move on till something else happens.

thats when your mum and dad need to talk things out, with out your involvement.


Word of advise do not give your mam anything but support and netrual comments about this. you dont want something you said thrown at your dad from your mam with your name attached. not that she would on purpose but maybe if there was an arrugement
"well ladylashes argees with me that your a lying cheating basterd so its not just me being over the top!!!"(that was just an example, but it does happen)

LegacyUser

Ive been in pritty much the same situation and its not very nice at all, I feel for you.

It wasn't your choice to get involved. You were envolved when your mum showed you the msg's and you are because you are part of the family.
It's difficult to not think about it or not act on it as you know that whatever happens to your parents will have a direct effect on you, especially if you live at home, (fighting, splitting up, what happens to the home etc).

At this time the important thing is to try and stay away from the situation as much as possible, not for anyone but yourself.
I know its difficult as your mum is probably in a bit of a state. Encourage her to confide in a friend or other family member(her sister/brother?) explain its too much for you to take on.
Be kind, she has made a mistake but this can be forgiven as long as it doesnt continue.
Dont get sucked back in, she may be paranoid or she could be right, either way its whats going on in her head so dont get them mixed up with your own.

Good luck x