Difficult home situation

LegacyUser

Hi.Long time boards user here.

Heres the sceal: was on the pc this afternoon and when i opened firefox it asked me did i want to restore my last session and i said clicked yes instictively.An alternate email account of my dad's opened up containing mail about ad's he's posted looking for sex on gumtree as well as registeration confirmation from a couple of "friend finder" websites.

my ma and da have been married happily for 35 years.what should i do? should i say something to him? if my ma finds out it'll have a catastophic effect on the lifes of my whole family.

should i just ignore it or should i do something?
advice much appreciated.thanks for reading.

Beruthiel

If my daughter thought it was a good idea to comment on my habit of looking at porn on the internet she'd get an earful she wouldn't forget for a while.
I'm a grown up and will do whatever I please, if there are consequences for that later, I'll deal with that too. It's not my daughters place to tell me how to live my life.
In other words, keep your nose out of your parents and their relationship and what they get up to.

justsomebloke

Beruthiel wrote: »

I'm a grown up and will do whatever I please, if there are consequences for that later, I'll deal with that too.

If I didn't know you were the mod of this forum I would swear you were trolling. That is one of the most selfish answers I think I have ever heard on PI.

So basically what you are saying is that you will do anything you want and if you hurt those that are meant to be the ones closest to you, you will deal with it at the time??? I have to say I would hate to be your kids if that is how you think.

OP it is a hard situation to deal with but chances are he mighn't actually be cheating especially if all you saw was confimations of him joining the sites. Chances are that he is just curious to see if he would get any responce back rather then wanting to act on it. So it is hard to call but I would stay out of it for the moment as I don't think there is any case for your father to actually answer for at the moment

Beruthiel

jsb wrote: »

If I didn't know you were the mod of this forum I would swear you were trolling. That is one of the most selfish answers I think I have ever heard on PI.

So basically what you are saying is that you will do anything you want and if you hurt those that are meant to be the ones closest to you, you will deal with it at the time??? I have to say I would hate to be your kids if that is how you think.

I maybe a mod of this forum, I am also entitled to give my opinion from the parents point of view. The point of view from how I would react if my child thought it was ok to get involved in this particular subject.
The OP has found out something about her father, is guessing what's going on and has decided on that 'guess work' that it's ok to take action.
If the OP interfers in the relationship of their parents it can only go badly.
As for my daughter, she is happy thanks for caring.

biko

OP If you must, bring your dad aside and tell him what you saw and let him explain himself. Other than that, leave it.

dudara

You dad might simply be just looking for a distraction. It's not to say that he is cheating on your mom. I'd be very careful about what I'd say or do in this situation. Your parents are entitled to their privacy.

*Page*

Your mam might even know about this, but my best advice is just mention to your dad that if he soes shut down the pc properly that you can view his stuff...

LouOB

Unfortunately at some stage in our lives we have to understand that our parents are human too.
Id say it to your dad of what you seen and that you are uncomfortable seening that stuff ie as he is your dad. Maybe ask him to buy his own pc/laptop or better yet buy you one to prevent this from happening again.

On diff note, should there not be paramaters preventing such pop ups for diff users?
I.T. virgin here. But seems very irresponsible of parent to let children (not saying you are young) on PC without proper parameters in place. Or am I just out of my dept?

Nevyn

my ma and da have been married happily for 35 years.

And you are sure you know the details of what ever arrangements they have which has kept them married for that ammount of time ?

Loomis

Beruthiel wrote: »

If my daughter thought it was a good idea to comment on my habit of looking at porn on the internet she'd get an earful she wouldn't forget for a while.
I'm a grown up and will do whatever I please, if there are consequences for that later, I'll deal with that too. It's not my daughters place to tell me how to live my life.
In other words, keep your nose out of your parents and their relationship and what they get up to.

I don't really understand how you equated 'placing ads looking for sex' to mean 'looking at porn'...
If all he was doing was looking at pictures and videos then I don't think the OP would have come here asking for advice. Anyway...

I'd say confront him and see what he says. If he hasn't yet cheated it's safe to assume he had the intention. Whether he would go through with it or not is a separate issue but the fact he's actively looking for the opportunity is damning enough.

Beruthiel

I don't know how many of you posting in this thread are nearly sixty.
I for one cannot for the life of me imagine what it's like to be married to the same person for 35 long years. To be with someone that length of time and still be together is mind boggling considering the amount both people change over such a long period of time. Two people like that, who are still together, have made many arrangements in order to do so. The sex life cannot possibly be what it was when first the met. Alternatives maybe required.

My parents are married for over 40 years, I know absolutely nothing about how they have gotten to that place and what decisions they made along the way in order to keep together. I don't want to know. It's none of my business. It's a private thing between them. And if I were to accidently come across something I shouldn't, not a word would cross my lips.

Loomis

That's fine. What you originally said didn't make much sense though.
I just guess I'd care if my father was doing that to my mother.

Beetlebum

Beruthiel wrote: »

I don't know how many of you posting in this thread are nearly sixty.
I for one cannot for the life of me imagine what it's like to be married to the same person for 35 long years. To be with someone that length of time and still be together is mind boggling considering the amount both people change over such a long period of time. Two people like that, who are still together, have made many arrangements in order to do so. The sex life cannot possibly be what it was when first the met. Alternatives maybe required.

My parents are married for over 40 years, I know absolutely nothing about how they have gotten to that place and what decisions they made along the way in order to keep together. I don't want to know. It's none of my business. It's a private thing between them. And if I were to accidently come across something I shouldn't, not a word would cross my lips.

Fair enough but the OP is obviously struggling with the situation and isn't sure what, if any cousre of action to take. It would be very hard for her to look her Dad in the eyes having seen what she's seen. Chances are you're older than the OP too so perhaps you could offer her some slightly friendlier advice. I'm surprised by you.

monkey tennis

Beruthiel wrote: »

I'm a grown up and will do whatever I please, if there are consequences for that later, I'll deal with that too. It's not my daughters place to tell me how to live my life.

(As already pointed out,) there was no mention of porn in the original post, the problem is that the OP's father is potentially cheating on the mother, something that could directly affect his/her life. Therefore it's his/her business to some extent.

Beruthiel

I don't sugar coat what I think.
And I don't get how people think it's perfectly ok to interfer in their parents relationship.

Loomis

Because we care about our parents and don't want one hurting the other?

Beetlebum

Beruthiel wrote: »

I don't sugar coat what I think.
And I don't get how people think it's perfectly ok to interfer in their parents relationship.

Nobodys asking you to sugarcoat anything. The fact remains that if her Dad is in fact cheating on her Mam then it will affect all of their lives so the OP has every right to be confused and concerned. Her mam would need the loving support of her daughter but there are two sides to every story and I'm sure her Dad would wanna defend himself too. That's the worst case scenario though, perhaps nothing's going on but the OP can't just turn a blind eye to a situation which could ultimatley tear her family apart. Yes her parents have their own private relationship but the family unit is a relationship too.

is_that_so

I think that there is a time when parents watch out for us. Once we become adults we should treat them the same as we would any other adults. We really have no business checking up on them apart from ensuring they stay in rude health. My own feeling is that we just have to let them get on with whatever has let them get that far. They've been at it a lot longer than we have. As for the OP's question, perhaps s/he may want to drop some vague comment about the browser opening up on odd pages. At least that way the father may be made aware that their activities have been noted.

Beyond that IMO it is not our place to be marriage counsellors to our parents. We will never be detached enough not to take sides.

l3LoWnA

hmm????!?!?! wrote: »

should i just ignore it or should i do something?
advice much appreciated.thanks for reading.

Hi there!

If it was me, I'd completely ignore it! He might never act upon any offers he gets and there's lots of men out there who enjoy reading the menus so to speak! Maybe your mother isn't giving him any lately :eek::p:D You don't know what's going on in their relationship and it's really none of your business.

Personally, my father had an affair with my mothers best friend for years (when I was maybe 12 - 17). I believe I was the only one who knew about it....I knew about it for many many years before my mother found out. I never whispered a word about it though. There was no point AND it was none of my business in the first place. When she found out in the end she was devastated and left him.....for a week. They were also married for years (over 25) If I'd have told her what I knew when I knew, I'm sure she would not have appreciated it and my father may have fallen out with me. As it happened, in the end, she literally caught them at it, I played absolutely no part, she got suspicious and caught them herself.

Leave well enough alone. He's not REALLY doing any harm, just some porn really.....and they're a happy couple....aren't they?!

padser

Beruthiel wrote: »

If my daughter thought it was a good idea to comment on my habit of looking at porn on the internet she'd get an earful she wouldn't forget for a while.
I'm a grown up and will do whatever I please, if there are consequences for that later, I'll deal with that too. It's not my daughters place to tell me how to live my life.
In other words, keep your nose out of your parents and their relationship and what they get up to.

+1

MYOB

*Page*

Beruthiel wrote: »

And if I were to accidently come across something I shouldn't, not a word would cross my lips.

totally agree...


and i've come across the things i shouldn't. its not your place to say anything!

Nerin

i sympathise alot with the OP, i know how you feel. when it happened to me i said in passing that i knew,but i was very sly in it ie (i think we have a virus or adware,bloody porno sites and such popped up when i logged on,ill do a sweep and make sure the pc is ok) after that he knew i could see what he was at and he was at least he was more careful eg clearing his history.
since only him and i use the computer my mother had no clue, but it gave him a friendly warning without me going on the offensive.

disagree if u wish, but i think its a fair compromise, and i disagree im sticking my nose in my parents business, im looking out for my mother and maybe hes still using it, probably is, if i dont see it,i dont have to worry.

LegacyUser

cheers for all the replies. just in case theres any confusion the sites were personals sites and not porn sites. also, im in my early twenties and male. i think the vibe given out was that i was younger. although i dont agree with a few of the views here it has been made clear to me that the best option is to keep it to myself. if anything major happens im sure somthing would eventually transpire. more comments and discussion welcome.

ferdi

Beruthiel wrote: »

My parents are married for over 40 years, I know absolutely nothing about how they have gotten to that place and what decisions they made along the way in order to keep together. I don't want to know. It's none of my business. It's a private thing between them. And if I were to accidently come across something I shouldn't, not a word would cross my lips.

yes i know what you are saying but in fairness the OPs situation is entirely different. You are grown up with a partner and child(ren) and you are not living with your parents so any relationship issues they had would probably not have a massive impact on you. The OP would likely be directly and accutley effected by his/her parents having these kinds of problems.

Heinrich

hmm????!?!?! wrote: »

cheers for all the replies. just in case theres any confusion the sites were personals sites and not porn sites. also, im in my early twenties and male. i think the vibe given out was that i was younger. although i dont agree with a few of the views here it has been made clear to me that the best option is to keep it to myself. if anything major happens im sure somthing would eventually transpire. more comments and discussion welcome.

Isn't it time you were moving out and gaining your independence? You could get your own computer and broadband while you are at it. It is not for you to moralise on what your parents are up to. I fully agree with Beruthiel, it's none of your business.

ferdi

oh ok i thought op was a kid

Acid_Violet

Sounds like a similar situation with my uncle. His kid ended up telling the mum about text messages he found on the dad's phone. Not a good family set up, but as if it was in the first place when the father cheated on his wife.

My opinion? In that sort of situation you should tell. For one spouse to cheat on the other is the ultimate betrayal. Granted, as Beruthiel said, not all relationships are monogamous, but let's face it, most couples are, and chances are a marriage that began in 1972 would be that, considering the times back then. If a partner cheated on me I'd rather someone tell me or confront them over it. I know this is a dramatic comparison but it's relevant still; if you discovered evidence of a crime would you report it or not?

Acid_Violet

I find it really hard to agree with this;

Beruthiel wrote: »

If my daughter thought it was a good idea to comment on my habit of looking at porn on the internet she'd get an earful she wouldn't forget for a while.
I'm a grown up and will do whatever I please, if there are consequences for that later, I'll deal with that too. It's not my daughters place to tell me how to live my life.

True, but as an adult you should also be subject to other adults opinions of you. So depending on how old your daughter is, if she commented on your behaviour about anything you should accept her opinion instead of telling her it's not her place (although I can easily see why it'd be better for anyone not to comment about another person watching porn.) Everyone should be open and take on board other people's criticisms to some degree.

Oryx

First off, who says your dad is cheating? He joined some sites, maybe, just maybe for the frisson of excitement it gives to get and send sexy emails. Its not impossible that that is as far as he will take it. Dont damn him as a cheat till you know for sure. And blunt as it may sound, I dont think there are queues of young women waiting to date 60yo (or so) men on these sites, the worst thing that might come of it is a bruised ego on his part.

Because you cant be sure of what your father is doing or how far he takes this, I would wonder what will you gain from passing on this info to your mother? Bringing it to anyones attention will not make it right, it will make things a darn sight worse for all concerned. I too say back off unless you know for sure something damaging is going on.

Worth considering... If it was not a parent you knew this about, would you still be contemplating telling?

LegacyUser

if it were me I would have a quite chat with my DAD telling him what I saw and see how he responded. I would then decided if I needed to do anything else.

It is true that parents are entitled to their privacy but they also deserve support from thei children. To do nothing puts the op on their fathers side and if there is something untoward happening and Mother finds out taht op was aware of this it will leave them in a very difficult position. At least if they do something they can say they did something.



This may appear a little old fashioned but many people are happily married for many years without having to come to any arrangements, other than love for each other.

Overheal

Yeah: you will learn in due course grasshopper that you can very seldom meddle in your parents affairs, and more often than not doing so accomplishes nothing, and can oftentimes make things more awkward for everyone involved.

I think my dad put it best in my youth....

I checked the mailbox and found a plain-black, sealed item in the mail adress to 'Mr. *surname*' So I says to myself "Wait, that could be ME!"
So yeah turns out to be porn. Nothing obscure - plain straight and simple; nothing too scarring for a 12 year old. But I understood right away "****, i cannot let him know i opened this"

so after unsuccessfully re-sealing the plastic wrapping (with Wood Glue - the only **** I could find ) my dad says:

"Dont open **** that doesnt belong to you"

(and if you do you're best advised to ignore it!)

I dont encourage you doing ANYTHING but for your own benefit it sounds like hes just curious. Its fair play. I doubt it has anything to do with the marriage - you can be fairly sure of that after 35 years.

and FFS dont talk to your dad about the pornography - in almost all cases, that discussion is really just a complete No Fly Zone and will only lead to Really Awkward Things.

Mrs. MacGyver

LouOB wrote: »

Unfortunately at some stage in our lives we have to understand that our parents are human too.
Id say it to your dad of what you seen and that you are uncomfortable seening that stuff ie as he is your dad. Maybe ask him to buy his own pc/laptop or better yet buy you one to prevent this from happening again.

On diff note, should there not be paramaters preventing such pop ups for diff users?
I.T. virgin here. But seems very irresponsible of parent to let children (not saying you are young) on PC without proper parameters in place. Or am I just out of my dept?

I know parents have lives of their own but that is a very uncomfortable situation. I personally could not go on pretending that everything was 'normal'. I would have to confront him about it 'in private'. Keeping it to myself would eat me up inside. If he ended up having a physical relationship with any of the 'friends' online - i would not stand for it. I know i am an old fashioned fogey - but thats my 2 cents worth.

SarahMc

This is the second thread I have replied on tonight where children are interfering in their parent's love life.

The natural order of things is that children have flown the nest by the time they can become morally and sexually questioning of their parents relationship, child living their lives how they see fit without judgement from parents, and parents, as mortality knocks living the remainder of their life without the moral highgound of youth bearing upon them.

Strokesfan

I understand why the OP was a little disturbed by the discovery.

At least they were just signs of registering on those sites - I guess there's a big difference between making a profile and anything actually happening.

Thought some of the responses were a bit abrupt about the OP moving out. No-one wants to see their family break up for whatever reason. Although the OP probably shouldn't ever mention it - they're still entitled to have a bit of a panic and their feelings.

karen3212

I have to say I'm surprised by the number of people who think it's a good idea to interfere in the relationships between consenting adults. I think your mother & father are big enough and old enough to sort out their own relationship between them. Same goes for parents/siblings trying to interfere with each others' relationships. I'm shocked, cause the only time I would ever even comment on any of my relatives relationships is if there was any kind of physical abuse going on or clear mental abuse. I feel sorry for you op, as if I saw similar on my Dad's computer, I'd be very embarrassed around him for a while I imagine. But, all I can say is - if it were me I would stay out of the relationships of other consenting adults, unless they asked me to comment or help them with something.

Lazarus2.0

It's a big leap from dabbling on the interweb to physically meeting up . Without the meeting up it doesnt automatically constitute betrayal - very rarely does one lead to the other . The vast majority of blokes here , whether single or married , will have been there and done that purely and simply because it's NOT personal and as such is an amusement or distraction . OP , I think you're assuming your da is making the leap when he's probably just doing what guys do . He's your da but a man's a man for a'that . unpleasant as the thought may be for you .

spurious

Interfering in other people's relationships always ends badly.

Esel

I would think you should not get involved in this.

But tell your dad that gumtree is crap, and to always remember to clear the cache on his way out of firefox!

Loopy

nerin wrote: »

i sympathise alot with the OP, i know how you feel. when it happened to me i said in passing that i knew,but i was very sly in it ie (i think we have a virus or adware,bloody porno sites and such popped up when i logged on,ill do a sweep and make sure the pc is ok) after that he knew i could see what he was at and he was at least he was more careful eg clearing his history.
since only him and i use the computer my mother had no clue, but it gave him a friendly warning without me going on the offensive.

Very good - a nice simple way to let him know that you know. It is his own business at the end of the day.

The Laptop suggestion may be worth thinking about too..

Bottle_of_Smoke

Thaedydal wrote: »

And you are sure you know the details of what ever arrangements they have which has kept them married for that ammount of time ?

Was originally gonna say talk to him but this post convinced me otherwise, say nothing

vorbis

Have a quiet word with him. Don't be accusing, just mention that firefox reloaded the pages when you opened it and see what he says.

As someone else said, saying nothing is siding with your Dad. If he is cheating on his wife, then she would have every right to be pissed at the OP if she finds out he did not do anything.

LegacyUser

A similar thing happened to me almost two years ago. I found out my mother was having an affair. I confronted her about it and then decided not to tell anyone. It really stressed me keeping it a secret and knowing the fall out would come at some stage. It did, and it really messed things up. They're going through a vicious separation now.

If I went back again I think I would have said something. Because it went on for so long and there were a huge amount of lies told on her part people got hurt more than if it came up when I had found out. At the end of the day, yeah, your parents are entitled to privacy, but what they do effects you and any siblings you have. It's unfair for people to say otherwise.

lushballs

One of those situations where you put yourself in their place and ask yourself, would you want to know. Yes i would.

Fysh

lushballs wrote: »

One of those situations where you put yourself in their place and ask yourself, would you want to know. Yes i would.

I think the point that Beruthiel and others are trying to make is that unless the OP knows a hell of a lot more than he's letting on about the intricacies and intimacies of his parents' relationship, he can't put himself in their place. Sure, he can simplify the situation down to assuming his dad is cheating and that they have no arrangements outside of a monogamistic marriage, but that's not the same thing as "putting himself in their place". And while the intentions are presumably good, the outcome may well not be as he doesn't know the variables.

They have been married for longer than you've been alive and have enough life experience to take responsibility for your own actions. Injecting yourself into their relationship as some sort of arbiter of what is or is not allowed will not end well, so be very careful how you go about it if you do decide to get involved. Personally, I'd steer well clear of the whole mess.

Toots

Have to say I agree with a lot of the posters here: say nothing.

Firstly, you don't know if your father is actually hooking up with any of these women or if he's just having a little fun online. While I wouldn't be happy with my OH doing this, I'd prefer it to him actually going out and sleeping with someone else.

Secondly, your mother may already be aware of what is going on, she may even condone it (they might be meeting people together, how much do you really know about your parent's private lives?)

By saying anything to your mother, you would be opening a serious can of worms and your life will be totally turned upside-down and your whole family will be hurt. Casually mention to your dad that you think there may be a virus or spyware on ur pc cos when u logged on all this dating stuff came up. That way he'll get the message and at least cover his tracks better next time, after that try to forget about it. Obsessing over it won't do you any good in the long run. If your mum finds out, well and good but at least you won't have had anything to do with it.

kathandkim

I have to say that I understand but totally disagree with Beruthiel's opinion. It's up to you OP, but I would come right out and say it. I'll put it to you this way: If a very good friend of mine was going out with someone and I saw the same thing happening, I would confront the person too. It's nothing to do with invasion or disrespect of privacy. Your Dad did not shut down the computer properly and you saw it.

Maybe your parents do have an arrangement in place, in which case I would imagine you'll do the decent thing and keep out of it. However, if your Mum doesn't know then your Dad may be cheating on her. What would you prefer someone do if it were you in your Mum's shoes?

My advice: Be delicate, but confront your Dad.

dudara

I'd stay well clear. It's tempting to intervene (especially when you take into account the argument of not wanting one parent to hurt the other) but in reality it's absolutely none of your business. It's selfish to intervene and assume that you know better.

Froot

I agree with your point of view Beruthiel but you really made yourself look like a total asshole here, whether or not you wanted to does not interest me.

dudara

Froot Insulting other posters is not tolerated on this forum. Consider yourself warned. What you just said was highly disrespectful and if you were personally in front of me, I would insist on an apology.

dudara