My problem with women

LegacyUser

Regular poster on other threads and all that so I'm going under the radar here.

Anyway, my problem is that I just cant seem to get on with women I go out with. I'm not a mysogynist and I have loads of female friends that I get on great with and all, but whenever I go out with a girl, its all brilliant for the first couple of weeks and then it just goes to hell. I have had two serious relationships which ended badly (dont talk to them anymore) and several short term as well, which also ended badly. I know it has to be my fault as all these women couldnt be wrong, but I honestly dont know what it is and they have never told me.

Its getting to the stage now that I am nearly in my mid 30's and have quit dating for the last 9 months as I just cannot hack the up and down of it anymore to the point that I am starting to feel suicidal as I can see me being alone for the rest of my life.

It all goes well as I said for a while, but then it goes horribly wrong. I honestly dont know what point it changes but one minute its great, the next, well they usually just ring up and say 'thanks, but all the best' and no explanation. It has to something I am doing, but what I dont know.

If I knew what it was then maybe I could try to change, but I have never gotten an explanation for the sudden change from any of them (both serious relationships went well for years until one day they just said that enough was enough and to feck off?????)

I even tried internet dating sites to get a better idea of the person first, but again, they went sour too. Is it too much to ask for an explanation for these things?

The closest I ever got was the last girl I was with which was little help. She basically said that she went off me overnight to the point that she couldnt stand to be around me!!!!!!

I think I am kind, caring and fun, I thought I was good in the sack too, maybe I aint, but if they were faking, it was good acting?????

Anyway, this has relaly gotten me down to thepoint that I have stopped socialising and sit at home watching TV most weekends now as most of my firends are married with kids except me who no one seems to want. I can get dates handy enough, but they never seem to last anymore.

Why would someone change so much so quickly? The last relationship I had lasted 5 months, me and her were really good together (or so I thought) to the point that the day before she dumped me, we were sitting on her sofa with her on my lap and she was talking about us moving in together which i wanted too. I called into her the next evening after work and she hit me with the bombshell that it wasnt working, couldnt tell me why (or wouldnt?) and could I just go and leave her be. I begged for an explanation but didnt get one. I almost walked under a car later that evening I was so down. I have done a lot of self examination since and beside some small annoying habits (like taping my fingers the table or cracking my knuckles) I cant see how someone could change. I have no skeletons in my closet and am usually a happy person with a positive outlook.

Please if anyone has any ideas what this might mean, reply as I really am very down abou t this.

Thanks.

DT

Beruthiel

Normally we can usually tell why a particular relationship has fizzled out.
I find it difficult to believe you have no clue with regards to any of them.
Or,
alternatively, you could just be picking the percentage of women out there that are actually just crazy loons.
Next time, try going for someone you normally wouldn't?
Work on making yourself happy and comfortable in your skin again.
Try not to let it get you down. It will happen for you.

LaVidaLoca

Need more.

Remember however, that with the ladies, when this kind of thing happens, where you dont know what you did, it;s usually something you DIDNT do, rather than something that you did.

Secondly, many men, myself included, tend to forget that relationships are like sharks, they need to constantly move forward or they die.

What often happens is the guy thinks, "wow things are going really well with this girl, we're so comfortable with each other that we can just hang out an watch movies and it's great." Meanwhile the girl is thinking "He's just taking me for granted and he never surprises me and all we do is watch movies cause he cant be bothered to do anything else."

Dizzyblonde

I think you just haven't found the right woman yet. Maybe you're picking the same type all the time? I'm sure you will find your soulmate, it just takes longer for some people than others.
With regard to any annoying habits you might have, ask a close friend or family member.
Don't start putting yourself down over this or it'll ruin your confidence.
As Beruthiel said, work on making yourself happy and confident - it's way more attractive than being down on yourself!

LegacyUser

I thought that myself, but I am an active person who likes going out, travelling, going to see plays, drives in the country etc. I am not a couch potatoe at all. My problem is that I dont know nore can I find out why this is happening. I really annoyed an ex once by bombarind her with texts saying 'can you just give me a reason please' until I realised I was acting like a loon and quit it.

I foresee a future sitting around on my own, lonely and friendless. I dont want to live in that future. I have asked my friends to be 100% honest with me, which I htink they have been and went into detail. Theyre as confused as me? Its made me very paranoid about women to the extent that I was very rude to a girl at my cousin's wedding ( I was drunk and feeling sorry for myself at the time - NO EXCUSE) who tried to engage me in conversation. I told her that as far as I was concerned, women were a mystery to me and I had given up (in a very sarcastic tone with lots of bad language). Needless to say, I ended up leaving early and with a lot of people giving me dirty looks. I made a complete plank out of myself.

Am at witts end here. Perhaps I am just not compatible with women or maybe I should go speak to a shrink or somehting? what do peope think?

unionman

First place to start is on yourself, get away from your tendency to beat yourself up. As a previous poster suggested, time to get happy in your own skin before trying to get involved with anyone else. This could be the 'thing' that's causing the problem, though I cannot say that with any certainty.

Low self esteem and stuff like that could be a barrier to a relationship moving onwards and upwards. However well hidden you think it is, any woman getting close to you is going to pick up on it, and it will affect how they see their future with you. Have you considered some counselling? Even an initial session with a properly trained counsellor might be a suitable and safe environment to work these things out. You have mentioned suicidal thoughts, thats pretty serious stuff, I would urge you to talk to someone, your GP or even the Samaritans (http://www.samaritans.org/). Try to make a positive choice for yourself.


As for your weekends, staying home and watching tv is only going to intensify those feelings of isolation and low self esteem. However, trying to get out to bars and clubs is probably not the answer, and may even magnify the sense of frustration / isolation. Have you considered outdoor activities, joining a walking club, something like that? Can be a better environment for you to get out of yourself, learn something new, and in time, even meet someone; maybe the type of woman you wouldn't meet elsewhere. Could be worth it even just to get out of the house.

I hope some of this might help. Try not to be so hard on yourself.

Beruthiel

goingunderradar wrote: »

I Perhaps I am just not compatible with women

If that were the case, you wouldn't have had long term relationships with more than one woman. I sincerely doubt this is what the problem is.

or maybe I should go speak to a shrink or somehting? what do peope think?

If you are feeling down about this, why not give a professional a go?
Your confidence could do with a good boost, they may help you with that.

AngryBadger

More specific details about some of your long term relationships would be useful OP.

biko

I guess you have talked to your female friends about this?
They know you best and would be my first choice.

LegacyUser

AngryBadger wrote: »

More specific details about some of your long term relationships would be useful OP.

Well I was with one girl from the age of 18 to 24 and it was great right up until about a week before we split when she just started acting strange. We did lots together including Oz and the Far east and the US and were on the verge of buying our own home. I always thought that the home thing freaked her but she didnt want to say???? She never did give me a definite answer, just some wishey washey stuff about 'not being compatible' and so on.

My second serious relationship was from the age of 27 to 32 and again, did loads together and actually bought a house until she just upped and decided that we 'werent compatible'!!!!!! So sold the house and went our separate ways. I havent seen her in over a year and even then she was very cold and harsh with me. I am not lying when I say I havent a clue what I was suposed to have done? I have had several short term relationships and a few dates in between and they always ended the same; suddenly and brutally with no real reasons. It has made me very very paranoid and angry now at this stage and depressed as well. maybe i am not the nice person I think I am and am really a horrible d*ckhead but how could I tell? I get on with people in work and in general and try to be respectful and pleasant and postivie. I have had lots of female friends over the years who I always had a great laugh with, I'm not some one who makes sexist jokes or anything like that.

As I said, maybe they are right. maybe I am not compatible with women. If this is true then what future for me? A lonely old man, living alone? No thanks.

Latchy

The closest I ever got was the last girl I was with which was little help. She basically said that she went off me overnight to the point that she couldnt stand to be around me!!!!!!

Some women can be very cruel such as with the comments above .Do you think it might be somthing like your dress sense/style ? your looks ? bad breath maybe ? are you to full on ? ...... i am only generalising and using these as possibilitys , but as sombody mentioned ,it might be worth going to get some professional advice.

jimmychin

i once had a friend who's sister constantly stirred things up with his girlfriends.

to the extent that at least 4 of his relatinoships ended because of his 'crazy loco' sister?

maybe someone is 'getting to' your girlfriends and telling stories about you.



dunno how old you are now, but i'm guessing somewhere in your thirties so you have plenty of time to find the woman of your dreams. compatibility is a two way thing so it cant just be you, the right one will come along eventually.

LegacyUser

latchyco wrote: »

Some women can be very cruel such as with the comments above .Do you think it might be somthing like your dress sense/style ? your looks ? bad breath maybe ? are you to full on ? ...... i am only generalising and using these as possibilitys , but as sombody mentioned ,it might be worth going to get some professional advice.

I have asked for honest answers for all these and more from male and female friends and if they werent straight with me then I'm worse trouble than i thought. I just dont get it and I cant take the idea of falling for someone (not falling in lvoe, just falling for them and liking them a lot) only to have the rug pulled out from under me soon after. It is very hard to go on like this not knowing. I have only gotten into a state about it recentely as I am also starting to look at all my friends having children and getiting married and all. I would like a family one day and would like to get married if I met the right person but I think its never gonna happen. Yes I am feeling like life is pointless and have started to become very introverted and despairing at it all. I agree that a professional help is in order but how do I go about it, where do I look, the golden pages????? And what do I say? Girls grow to hate me after a while and I dont know why and they wont tell me? That sounds stupid and is why I am posting anonymously here. I am also very embarrased by this as I keep getting paranoia attacks where I imagine I smell bad, have really stinky breath, am crap in bed or just an a*seh*le really.

So, how do I go about seeing a shrink?????

LegacyUser

jimmychin wrote: »

i once had a friend who's sister constantly stirred things up with his girlfriends.

to the extent that at least 4 of his relatinoships ended because of his 'crazy loco' sister?

maybe someone is 'getting to' your girlfriends and telling stories about you.



dunno how old you are now, but i'm guessing somewhere in your thirties so you have plenty of time to find the woman of your dreams. compatibility is a two way thing so it cant just be you, the right one will come along eventually.

It must be me. I cant see how so many (I'd say I have had relationships of over say a month with over 20 women since the age of 18) women could be wrong or maybe I am attracted to women who are not comptible with me???? But I am attracted to fun, strong outgoing women who are bubbly and enjoy life????? WTF? Should I go looking for shy, negative moaners???

Its very confusing and depressing to be honest......

LegacyUser

No, how about being yourself and stop making a long term relationship a priority at first. When you meet a woman stop looking at her as a potential mate. Just go out to enjoy yourself and make a friend of your date first before you make her your significant other.

It can freak a lot of women & I'm sure men too if they feel like their partner is operating on a completely different timeline and assumes that something like say marriage and children are on the cards without discussing it or even worse talks about it in a way as if it's a foregone conclusion.

Don't be so hard on yourself goingunderradar, go out and join some mixed group activities where the actual focus is just on making friends and socializing. If you feel depressed go to a counsellor but remember it takes two to make a good relationship so try looking at your good points too.

goingunderradar wrote: »

It must be me. I cant see how so many (I'd say I have had relationships of over say a month with over 20 women since the age of 18) women could be wrong or maybe I am attracted to women who are not comptible with me???? But I am attracted to fun, strong outgoing women who are bubbly and enjoy life????? WTF? Should I go looking for shy, negative moaners???

Its very confusing and depressing to be honest......

pretty-in-pink

Don't over analyse it OP,
low self esteem reed being clingy and neeedy, and nobody likes that. They say we are attracted to the strong female (or male if you're a girl) presence in our life. Whoever it was (moter, sister, nan etc) that was your influence, is what you are seeking out. Do you have any issues with them? We carry our baggage around like mules, and that can send some people running.

Take some "me time", and figure out what it is you actually want, and then go from here

Latchy

OP, everybody at some time wil have issues with themselfs over stuff like looks ,appearence,physical and mental health and it's quite normal , however taken to ecxcess it becomes obbsessive and i am am thinking like sombody said , that your self esteem has taken a battering , maybe because of your upbringing ,background and perhaps you had bad or no role models .Perhaps you could have a look in your local libary or social centre and enquire about self help courses ? or have a chat with your doctor who may prescribe medication to help calm your anxiety .You really do by the sound of it need to talk to sombody to help build up your confidence ,not overnight but over a period of time .

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I'm sure you're a great guy, the fact that you're looking for help is an indicator of that. As other posters have said - you are being too hard on yourself. There might be things that you are doing that may contribute to your situation but by no means should they be the cause of a break up and partners who are well suited will work through these issues.

I understand the part about friends getting wed and having kids, unfortunately, thats part of getting older. Most of my friends are the same, and very often when the weekends come around, i'm left wondering what to do. But you have to find the good in your current situation - you still have your freedom and still have choices - a lot of your friends no longer have this. Maybe you have been with some great women, but for some reason you're just not seeing it. Although you might not realise it, you could be taking them for granted (not all women are great at pointing this out - they just up and leave!)

Relationships are hard work, and you need to be really comfortable with yourself before you can love/fall for someone else. A long term relationship should not be a priority from when you start dating someone, it happens further down the line and naturally. Is it possible that you are coming across too strong, too early in your relationships?
You could see a councillor but I'm sure if you anaylise your past enough, you will find the answers. Your past gf's must have given you some reasons at least.
Did you tell your exes that you wanted the relationship to work when you were close to breaking up stage? Were they aware of your comittment?? Did you throw in the towel and forget about the relationship too easy??? Sometimes women find it hard to believe that men are serious about relationships and it needs to be put in black and white!

Be positive, this is a learning curve for you. There is someone for everyone out there, some of us just have to wait longer than others.


Good luck

Beruthiel

goingunderradar wrote: »

maybe I am not compatible with women.

Not for one second do I believe this to be the case.
You have had two very longterm relationships, if you were not compatible then you would never have gotten past a couple of weeks with them.

Sh!t happens OP - I've also had two longterm relationships go belly up - you cannot blame yourself for it.
I have looked upon both of them as having give them a go, they didn't work out, bummer, chin up and move on. I'm not saying that is easy, it's not.
It can be tough on your self esteem and confidence, but if you like yourself and know you're a good person then you have to know that you're worth someones affections and they will turn up someday.
At this point, I really think you need to work on liking yourself and gaining your confidence back.

LaVidaLoca

From your first post I thought you were the type of guy that never has any real relationships with women, has problems with intimacy etc, and then you tell us you were in a relationship from 18-24 and another long one as well.

This is not the C.V. of a guy who's crap with women.

Some people meet the person they marry when their 18, some at 30 odd, some not at all.

You're hardly some dorkus mallorkus who cant get (and keep) a lady, it's just that you havent met the lady your gonna be with for the rest of your life.

Well join the club. Loads of people havent. In fact generally the more interesting you are the harder it is. In Ireland theres a huge amount of people who are pretty boring and conventional, and they get married cause they wanna settle down together. You havent done that yet. So what?

LegacyUser

Hello to all the repliers - thanks for the feedback, I have made an appointment to see a counsellor to have a chat about things. I think maybe asking friends and family isnt the best way as they may already have ideas about me that colud blindthem to my faults???

Anyway, am going to see him on thursday to see what is (if anything....) wrong with me and why I am like this....?

Biut nervous about it tbh, hope he doesnt commit me or anyting? Well, nothing ventured, but thanks again to the people above as I am hoiping he can spot something i am doing/saying or perhaps its just as others have said and I just havent met right person yet?

LegacyUser

Thats good news, make sure you write down a few of the main points so you can remember them on the day. It will help to talk to someone.

As another poster said, you might have been with the right people - you just didn't realise it. You just might have been self absorbed with worry and lack of confidence at the time. Sometimes a low self esteem can cloud your judgement of others. Talk to a good friend also about the councilling.

Don't worry about it, you're already on your way to sorting out the problem.

Best of luck with it