sick of boyfriend's mother bitching at me

LegacyUser

My boyfriend's mother is really annoying me. I have been going out with my boyfriend 5 months. He is the youngest son and the favourite. At first his mam was grand to me but she has gotten worse. I left my job a month or so ago. The whole time I was looking for a new one, every day I would get "No sign of a job yet, no?". I got a new job and it is a good job too. Now it's my clothes. It doesn't matter what I am wearing, she is bitching about it. She has a way of using the pretence that she is joking to get her snipes in. I was wearing a plain vest top with a pair of jeans the other night. Nothing knackery, just a top and jeans. Apparently I was "going around half naked". She pointed out to my boyfriend and his father how "half naked" I was which embarrassed me. Then about half an hour later starts offering me jumpers to wear. My boyfriend told her to leave me alone but it had little effect.
The next day I am wearing a hoody and jeans. I am usually a size 10 but have put on about 7 pounds from eating junk and said in front of her that I don't want to put on any more. The day after the vest incident while wearing my hoody and jeans she says I am "going around with my belly hanging out". My boyfriend told her to leave me alone and she goes "oh she knows I'm only joking". I'm pretending to laugh but I am sick of her. Every time I'm in the house she looks me up and down and starts making her remarks. I'm sick of her. what should I do.

TPD

Make similar remarks back, under the pretence of joking. If she doesnt like it, tell her to stop with the remarks aimed at you.

The Queen

Easier said then done TPD. What I would do is - first, get your bf to tell her how hurtful her comments are and ask ask her to stop. If that fails, ask her yourself. If you mention it in front of others, it might embarrass her... Ive never been in that situation. My bfs mam doesn't like me but is at least polite enough to not make crappy comments. Try not let her get to you...

ck66

In my opinion i would try your best not to let it get to you even though it may seem hard. Also get your boyfriend to talk to her explaining that you find her comments hurtful. so long that you and your boyfriend are happy that is all that matters.

jimmycrackcorm

OP, Next time you get such a comment, simply say to your BF, I want to go right away. She'll soon get the message.

the_syco

Youngest son, eh? Nasty. I think the mother has copped on her son really likes you, and has realised something: he could move out to be with you. Seen this happen before, with mates, and people on this forum.

Mammys last son may be leaving soon, and mammy is trying to get rid of the woman, but sill look good in the sons eyes, so that when the relationship is over, she can say "she was only a tramp", etc.

Next time she starts dropping hints about your clothes, comment about a "nice house" that you saw, and guage her reaction. You should know from the reaction if she's afraid of losing the son.

Oh, but don't mention anything about moving in together, as that one may backfire.

LegacyUser

Honest answer?

I'd tell her where to go, politely, but not so politely. Just say something like - "I think you're extremely rude and insulting when you talk about me and my appearance, if you don't have anything positive to say don't say anything at all, because I don't find you or your comments amusing."

Just say it in a strong, firm voice and walk away. She'll be absolutely stunned and I bet any money she will apologise later.

Miss Fluff

Tread very carefully here lady. NEVER "have a word with her" or confront her about what's happening, it will backfire. If you want to be really manipulative, say nothing but if you can at all, burst into tears next time she makes a smart remark. She will be mortified and you won't have had to have said a word to your boyfriend about his overbearing mother.

Enright

There is no situation that you will ever come between a mother and her favourite son and WIN.

Either she will resent you and make snide remarks to her son, or he will resent you.

You are going out with him, then tell him you dont want to hear his mothers remarks, he shouldnt repeat them!

Avoid going to his parents house if possible,

sorry i cant be more positive but i think that you are in a no win situation

togster

Miss Fluff wrote: »

Tread very carefully here lady. NEVER "have a word with her" or confront her about what's happening, it will backfire. If you want to be really manipulative, say nothing but if you can at all, burst into tears next time she makes a smart remark. She will be mortified and you won't have had to have said a word to your boyfriend about his overbearing mother.

What?

Just say it to her ffs. Its as simple as that.

milod

OP, perhaps you should refuse to go round to your b/f's house - and tell him why. If he doesn't have the backbone to sort it, dump him. Think of it as a kind of test - if he's afraid to tackle his mother - it doesn't bode well for the future...

Miss Fluff

togster wrote: »

What?

Just say it to her ffs. Its as simple as that.

Say what exactly????

Beruthiel

Why are you in his parents house so much?

muppetkiller

Beruthiel wrote: »

Why are you in his parents house so much?

That's what struck me ? Get a place of your own and problem is solved..

togster

Miss Fluff wrote: »

Say what exactly????

What?

event

maybe they are 17 and cant afford a house in rip off ireland?

Nerin

usually id say confront the be-atch,but since hes the youngest etc...test him,drop lil hints n see if he'd tell her to cop the hell on,if yes, do the lil crying thing or if u cant cry a good old super mope.
if it seems he either sees no problem or is too much of a wimp to stick up for u, kick that fool to the curb.
i doubt the mother means to be such a battle axe (although some do)
my ma hated my ex, and her ma really hated me, but we both told em to cop the hell on and the problem with snide comments or weird tension stopped.

dudara

Your boyfriend might not care to be made take sides in this conflict. Personally, I would have a word with her myself. I wouldn't start making comments at her, or cry. I would simply and calmly state that I didn't find her comments amusing and that I would appreciate it if she would cease.

Mighty_Mouse

Easy enough deal with aul bags like that!

The trick is to pull her up on every little comment she makes until she gets the message:
e.g.
Aul bag : ""going around half naked"
You: What exactly do you mean by that Mrs Aul Bag?
You: "Are you implying something?"
Aul Bag: "Dont be so sensitive, of course I meant nothing"
You: "Ok no problem, I just wasnt sure".

I promise that if you create a slightly awkward situation for every comment she makes, she will soon stop.
If not step it up a level:

Aul bag: "going around with my belly hanging out"."
You: What exactly do you mean by that Mrs Aul Bag?
You: "Are you implying something?"
Aul Bag: "Dont be so sensitive, of course I meant nothing"
You: "Ok no problem, I just wasnt sure".
"But you know that most people would think you were calling them fat?"
"Its a good job I know you better than that".

dudara

dudara wrote: »

I wouldn't start making comments at her, or cry. I would simply and calmly state that I didn't find her comments amusing and that I would appreciate it if she would cease.

+1

Nevyn

It could be that she deosn't know what else to be saying to you, have you tried enguaging her on conversation so that she doesn't jut talk about what it right in front of her.

Thaedydal

Thaedydal wrote: »

It could be that she deosn't know what else to be saying to you, have you tried enguaging her on conversation so that she doesn't jut talk about what it right in front of her.

:eek:

Your one of these people who's MIL died years before you came on the scene aren't you.
Or worse your the son of one of these creatures!

It is possible that the woman isn't a complete bitch,and that she might mellow.
However if OP lets her keep this up for any length of time. It will destroy any realtionship they might have in the long term, and could very well come between OP and her fella.

Nevyn

How on earth did you come to those conclusions Moonbaby ?

I have to deal with several older women when dating people and my childrens paternal grandmother is alive and well and my son is only 9 so not dating anyone yet.

It could well be that the mother does not know what to be saying and is passing comment albiet negative ones to try and communicate or she could be scoring points.

Try enguaging her in polite conversation and see if the comments stop and if they don't then you can choose to make comment back or express that she is rude and you will not longer be spoken to in such a fashion.

Oryx

If you cant change her behaviour, stop letting it upset you. So what if shes saying stuff? Let it wash off you like water off a ducks back. Dont let it affect you! If she intends to upset you and you do get annoyed, she wins. So treat her comments as what they are. A load of waffle. Shes being defensive, and if shes doing it to someone who simply doesnt care, she wont get anything out of it.

I have dealt with people a bit like her, and Ive learned that no response at all, or a funny response -she is 'joking' after all -('youre going around half naked' - 'ah sure, your husband loves it';) would be an example ) can be the best way to tackle it.

karen3212

Oh op, this seems very common. Anyway as I don't know myself I thought this from Dr. Apter might help.http://www.motherinlawstories.com/terri_apter_archives_09_23_01.htm
The best way for you to prevent your mother-in-law from "getting to you" is to point out to her that she is hurting you. I think you dwell on her comments because you accepted them, without confrontation, at the time. But by confrontation I do not mean that you can criticize her: just tell her clearly and calmly that a remark was hurtful. You could even ask her whether something is troubling her, some problem that led her to be hurtful. And if she acts inconsiderately, simply state what you want: for example, explain that you are ready to leave, and that you want your child ready too. It will be more difficult for her to manipulate the situation if you make very clear what it is you want. Your question involves a person's comments and jokes that are hurtful but can be made because they come in the guise of humor. Rather than ignore your mother-in-law's disrespect or jokes, I suggest that you identify them. You could say, "I feel that remark/behavior undermines me". You could explain that it is important to you that she understands how you feel, even if she does not intend to make you feel that way. It will be easier for her to accept how you feel, and modify her behavior, if she does not feel her own feelings are being criticized.

It's not the same as your situation, but it is similar

Electric

I've come across these women before and you are better off saying nothing! Don't let it get to you just nod and smile and ignore her!

Don't drag your boyfriend into this. He is not going to want to get in the middle of some argument with you and his mother. He will only end up having to choose sides and well to be honest most of us would choose our mothers. She may be a bitch to you but she is his Mum and he is not going to want to hear this....pretty much if it were your mother would you want to hear about it?

Just rise above it. I know it sounds hard but try not to be over in the house as much. Be nice and smile. It'll be fake as f*ck but better than starting an all out war!

Does any of his brothers have girlfriends? Try talking to the other girlfriends they will be well used to dealing with her and maybe able to provide moral support!

Thaedydal

Thaedydal wrote: »

How on earth did you come to those conclusions Moonbaby ?

I have to deal with several older women when dating people and my childrens paternal grandmother is alive and well and my son is only 9 so not dating anyone yet.

It could well be that the mother does not know what to be saying and is passing comment albiet negative ones to try and communicate or she could be scoring points.

Try enguaging her in polite conversation and see if the comments stop and if they don't then you can choose to make comment back or express that she is rude and you will not longer be spoken to in such a fashion.

I wasn't literally serious in that statement.
I meant that if you can hold that opinion you are lucky to have had good experiences or are naive to the ways of the superbitch.
Granted the constant questioning about the job could be a case of foot in mouth.
But I don't think you look someone up and down and then criticise them to the other people in the room, while they are standing there, out of anything other than badness.

Evil Phil

No matter what you do or don't do OP he's her little baby boy and always will be. Have you talked to your boyfriend about this? If he's okay with the two of you then don't let her get to you. Perhaps the two of you should start hanging out elsewhere?

my son is only 9 so not dating anyone yet

As far as you know :P I was ten when I stole my first kiss. That was 24 years ago, you know how quickly kids grow up these days*



*mwah-ha-ha-haaaaa

Overheal

yea srsly - bite back. having a talk with her though might be detrimental: she may just infuriate you more: imagine the way she'd reply "oh i was only joking duh"

next time she makes a comment about your tum just laugh and say "haha - yeah... maybe Im pregnant." instant roflcopter.

MagicMarker

Stop going to your boyfriend's mother's house maybe?

Nevyn

Evil Phil wrote: »

As far as you know :P I was ten when I stole my first kiss. That was 24 years ago, you know how quickly kids grow up these days*

*mwah-ha-ha-haaaaa

Well at least he would stop asking me if he is going to be gay or not.

Moonbaby wrote: »

I wasn't literally serious in that statement.
I meant that if you can hold that opinion you are lucky to have had good experiences or are naive to the ways of the superbitch.

I am a superbitch, really it is a skill to tear strips of someone while asking them do they want another slice of cake and have them say thank you.
It could be well the mother doesn't know what to say or is looking to get a rise out of her esp if she is the type that won't say boo to a goose.

Moonbaby wrote: »

But I don't think you look someone up and down and then criticise them to the other people in the room, while they are standing there, out of anything other than badness.

Some people are just like that, they are incredible pass remarkable esp to or about people they consider to be lesser then them in age or status and can think they are doing that person a favour. It could be that she has ruled the roost and has had her say about everything for years and the family just let it wash over them and when you stand up to them they get a shock at your rudeness to them in thier own home.

Seriously enguage her in conversation about the possibilty of there being a female american president and the playing of the gender card in poltics and watch her clam up.

LegacyUser

OK I don't know how to quote loads of people at once so I am trying to remember what you all said:

Whoever suggested the "pregnant" idea- very very good!

I am in his house a good bit because we both still live at home. I can't afford to move out as I am saving for a car and I only get paid monthly.

I have tried making conversation with her about loads of things so it is not that.

She is an old battle axe, nothing is ever good enough for her, she looks down her nose at everyone, "he's only this", "she's only that".

I have made plenty of effort to get on with her, she was looking for a puppy for her older son and I found her one after lots of trawling through ads- me, not her.

I don't know whether I am going to answer her back or just stop going around.

She also has a habit of barging into his room without knocking, which drives both of us mad.

MugMugs

I have been going out with my beloved GF for 7 months now after a long friendship and I can more or less tell she is the one for me now and have never actually twigged what she mean by " Your mother is unreal ! She makes me feel comfortable, welcome and is genuinely sound ! " They get on too well actually !!!!

dudara wrote: »

I wouldn't start making comments at her, or cry. I would simply and calmly state that I didn't find her comments amusing and that I would appreciate it if she would cease.

I honestly never believed that this happened but it obviously does ! dudara, This may backfire too as she may just say " If you dont like it then leave !

eekk !

I would however stare her down or question her reference in front of others and see how that goes... ( she wont kick you out in company ) Otherwise convince her cherished angel to move in with you ! You win !

Bottle_of_Smoke

One of my friends had this problem with her boyfs mum. I think her problem was that it was plainly obvious she really cared what her mum thought of her & tried to agree with her on everything, lick up so to speak. If I was his mum that would be a sign of weakness & put me off the girl./

Maybe try & act as if you don't care. Kind of smile sarcastically in a "what's she on about" kind of way, but not blatantly offensive either. Disagree with her when you disagree & do your best not to back down.

Avoid insulting her directly & being nervous. You could be passing on her genes, she doesn't want a jumpy pushover in charge of that.

MugMugs

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

You could be passing on her genes, she doesn't want a jumpy pushover in charge of that.

Well said !

I like it.....

bug

girl777 wrote: »

......later starts offering me jumpers to wear. My boyfriend told her to leave me alone but it had little effect.
The next day I am wearing a hoody and jeans. I am usually a size 10 but have put on about 7 pounds from eating junk and said in front of her that I don't want to put on any more. The day after the vest incident while wearing my hoody and jeans she says I am "going around with my belly hanging out". My boyfriend told her to leave me alone and she goes "oh she knows I'm only joking". I'm pretending to laugh but I am sick of her. Every time I'm in the house she looks me up and down and starts making her remarks. I'm sick of her. what should I do.

Don't laugh the next time? Go out more?

curiousxxx1

Miss Fluff wrote: »

Tread very carefully here lady. NEVER "have a word with her" or confront her about what's happening, it will backfire. If you want to be really manipulative, say nothing but if you can at all, burst into tears next time she makes a smart remark. She will be mortified and you won't have had to have said a word to your boyfriend about his overbearing mother.

Perfectly said, OP dont forget bf's come and go... Mother's dont!!! So no matter what it's too soon to make him choose sides..
I agree about bursting into tears, it would definitely work!

Ickle Magoo

It think you have two choices, laugh along or don't spend time in this woman's company. My sisters MIL is a complete cow - she sees her maybe once or twice a year for a couple of hours. If she can avoid her MIL & she's married to the favourite son, you can stop spending time in her company. Meet elsewhere & just refuse to be near her unless she is more polite to you.:)

LegacyUser

I tried to talk to him about it, he refused to say anything to her and we ended up having a row, and we broke up. Guess I don't have to worry about this one anymore

milkerman

Wow,
What a man.
Oh well, move on girl

MagicMarker

girl777 wrote: »

I tried to talk to him about it, he refused to say anything to her and we ended up having a row, and we broke up. Guess I don't have to worry about this one anymore

Well, according to you, he has already asked her to stop on every occasion something like this has happened.

So, cop on to be honest.

LegacyUser

there were more occasions than i listed, i asked him to tell her to quit it properly and he wouldn't, i said she's your mother.

curiousxxx1

girl777 wrote: »

I tried to talk to him about it, he refused to say anything to her and we ended up having a row, and we broke up. Guess I don't have to worry about this one anymore

That was fast! I guess he really is a mummy's boy!

zAbbo

A lucky escape from Eoin McLove it seems.

Miss Fluff

3xrbqa wrote: »

there were more occasions than i listed, i asked him to tell her to quit it properly and he wouldn't, i said she's your mother.

Definitely a case of "I'll get my coat...." Irish men and their Mammies, don't ask them to take sides.

LegacyUser

He has been texting me since saying "why do you keep dragging me into this", I said well she is your mother, I am not going to give her the satisfaction of reacting to her when you taking my side and standing up to her would BURN her. Now he keeps saying he has spoken to her since and he is sorry, can we get back together etc. I don't know if I will because if i was to ever end up getting a house with him she would be over sticking her nose in, not to mention if i was to ever get pregnant! I know it might seem like I am thinking very far ahead but aside from all this he was a great boyfriend.

Just to give me some ideas, if anyone can think of anything to say that would insult her without it being obvious to anyone else it would be great, because if I was to ever meet her again I want to play her at her own game. As Thaed was saying, something along the lines of "would you like another slice of cake" (i assume this one is good for anyone conscious of their weight).

Sangre

Eh, just stop going over to the woman's house. Is hers after all and not your boyfriends.
Either hang out at your place or somewhere else e.g. a friends, the cinema, pub, park, whatever.

Ishindar

karen3212 wrote: »

Oh op, this seems very common. Anyway as I don't know myself I thought this from Dr. Apter might help.http://www.motherinlawstories.com/terri_apter_archives_09_23_01.htm
The best way for you to prevent your mother-in-law from "getting to you" is to point out to her that she is hurting you. I think you dwell on her comments because you accepted them, without confrontation, at the time. But by confrontation I do not mean that you can criticize her: just tell her clearly and calmly that a remark was hurtful. You could even ask her whether something is troubling her, some problem that led her to be hurtful. And if she acts inconsiderately, simply state what you want: for example, explain that you are ready to leave, and that you want your child ready too. It will be more difficult for her to manipulate the situation if you make very clear what it is you want. Your question involves a person's comments and jokes that are hurtful but can be made because they come in the guise of humor. Rather than ignore your mother-in-law's disrespect or jokes, I suggest that you identify them. You could say, "I feel that remark/behavior undermines me". You could explain that it is important to you that she understands how you feel, even if she does not intend to make you feel that way. It will be easier for her to accept how you feel, and modify her behavior, if she does not feel her own feelings are being criticized.

It's not the same as your situation, but it is similar

this is exactly how to deal with this, couldnt have put it better.

dont judge the woman with understanding.

your boyfriend also maybe a tad irresponsible.