jealousy is a terrible thing

LegacyUser

Been with my boyfriend for 2 years now and for most of that time my friends have been women. I prefer the company of men cause they're easier to get on with and I've recently started spending more time with a particular group outside of work. I genuinely enjoy their company and there's nothing else going on, but my boyfriend doesn't like it. He knows that I used to be into these particular men at one point or another and so he won't believe me that I'm not in it for something else. We're already in a rocky patch cause of other things but if he thinks I'm setting myself up in a position to cheat I'm afraid he won't give us a chance to iron out our difficulties. P.S. his previous girlfriend cheated on him, but he's safe with me.

Should I scale back my time with the menfolk? Is my socializing really inappropriate? Would it be so wrong to just carry on and keep quiet about it to keep us both happy? Failing that, how can I make him understand that I'm not romantically interested in these men (and vice versa!)?!

Colonel_McCoy

How would you feel if he wants hanging around with a load of hot women and going out drinking with them after work??????????

One of your males friends will make a move on you..............we always do

dudara

lilgreenmonster wrote: »

Would it be so wrong to just carry on and keep quiet about it to keep us both happy?

It wouldn't be the best to be duplicitious like that. Doing something behind his back wouldn't inspire confidence in him.

Failing that, how can I make him understand that I'm not romantically interested in these men (and vice versa!)?!

I'm going to ignore the 'Vice Versa' because you have no idea what these men are thinking. All you can be certain about are the thoughts in your own head. You might have to actually take some actions to reassure him and cut these people out of your social circle

mixervilla

i can competely understand his point of view, he knows what guys are like and doesn't trust them - and rightly so, might help if you bring him out with you when you're meeting these lads

LegacyUser

lilgreenmonster, here are my thoughts on this (for the record I'm female and in a longterm relationship);

You refer to a current 'rocky patch' in your relationship. It's difficult to answer your query
without really understanding the nature of your current problems - if there's any kind of trust issues between you and your boyfriend at the moment, then it is only fair that you make a genuine effort to put his mind at ease about the nature of your friendships with these men.

You mention that you used to be 'into' these men. Do you have a history with any of them? Do they know how you used to feel about them? If so, then I can understand how your boyfriend may feel that your relationship is being undermined here. It also seems from your post that there has been a recent renewal of friendship between you and these men. Is this just circumstantial or did you seek out their friendships (or vice versa?). If so, then maybe you need to ask yourself why.

On the other hand, I've always been a believer that we're all entitled to our friendships outside of our boyfriend/girlfriend relationships. Does your boyfriend have a track record of jealousy? It's worth asking yourself whether these particular friendships are worth the price that they seem to be incurring.

All that said, these are just my thoughts - you're the only person here who truly knows your relationship well enough to know how best to deal with this.

Good luck - I hope that you can sort this out.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies so far.

Just want to point out that I don't drink and afaik these are respectable men. But it's true I can't read minds.

My boyfriend has always had close female friends. Took a bit of getting used to in the beginning and we all had a bit of a power struggle... Luckily I'm far more relaxed these days and we're both much happier about it.

I'd hate to have to alter a social circle that I feel very happy with, but I would do it if he couldn't adjust. But a little voice keeps saying if I could do it, he should be able to do it too.

biko

Perhaps you should ask him along so that he can see for himself what goes on when you meet these people?

LegacyUser

Hallie wrote: »

lilgreenmonster, here are my thoughts on this (for the record I'm female and in a longterm relationship);

You refer to a current 'rocky patch' in your relationship. It's difficult to answer your query
without really understanding the nature of your current problems - if there's any kind of trust issues between you and your boyfriend at the moment, then it is only fair that you make a genuine effort to put his mind at ease about the nature of your friendships with these men.

You mention that you used to be 'into' these men. Do you have a history with any of them? Do they know how you used to feel about them? If so, then I can understand how your boyfriend may feel that your relationship is being undermined here. It also seems from your post that there has been a recent renewal of friendship between you and these men. Is this just circumstantial or did you seek out their friendships (or vice versa?). If so, then maybe you need to ask yourself why.

On the other hand, I've always been a believer that we're all entitled to our friendships outside of our boyfriend/girlfriend relationships. Does your boyfriend have a track record of jealousy? It's worth asking yourself whether these particular friendships are worth the price that they seem to be incurring.

All that said, these are just my thoughts - you're the only person here who truly knows your relationship well enough to know how best to deal with this.

Good luck - I hope that you can sort this out.

There's no history or anything here. They're people I met years ago and liked, but I didn't see them on a daily basis. My position at work changed a few months back and I've got plenty of free time on my hands these days. Basically I'm just seeing a lot more of them and so friendships have developed naturally.

The problems in the relationship aren't related to infidelity. It's mostly commitment issues, need for personal space and almost a cooling off period - so this jealousy has really surprised me.

Again, I'd do anything to keep him happy.. but sometimes he seems determined to find fault.

Dragan

lilgreenmonster wrote: »

Again, I'd do anything to keep him happy.. but sometimes he seems determined to find fault.

Bingo........ often times when someone gets cheated on it can be a pretty crushing thing. You place a lot of love and trust and faith in someone and then they hurt you.

Why would the next one be any different?

This is the way your boyfriend MAY be thinking on a subconcious level, so in his efforts to defend himself early he finds faults that are not there.

If this is the case then yeah, you need to be mindful of his feelings, but also you cannot tailor your life to suit him.....he needs to trust you for the relationship to work.

Seraphina

lilgreenmonster wrote: »

My boyfriend has always had close female friends. Took a bit of getting used to in the beginning and we all had a bit of a power struggle... Luckily I'm far more relaxed these days and we're both much happier about it.

I'd hate to have to alter a social circle that I feel very happy with, but I would do it if he couldn't adjust. But a little voice keeps saying if I could do it, he should be able to do it too.

if you accepted his female friends, he has no right to be jealous.
tell him if he doesn't want you to see your male friends, then he can't see his female ones, simple as.

i have no time for men with ****ty double standards like that