wearing condoms.....one for the guys

LegacyUser

i have started seeing a guy 1-2 weeks ago. we were in bed the other night and were messing around and he wanted to have sex. now i personally on that occasion didnt want to and he was fine with that, but there was another reason we couldnt, we didnt have any protection, im not in the pill, though i dont mind going on it in the future and he didnt have any condoms. then a conversation arose about condoms and he siad he hates wearing them, he's the third guy i have gone out with in the past few months that doesnt like wearing them, i dont mind necessarily being on the pill but my problem lies in the fact that i 'dont know where he has been before me' so i would want him to wear a condom even if i was on the pill, unless he went and got a std check done.

im just looking for opinions on this, firstly why do guys not want to wear condoms, secondly surely sex with a condom is better than no sex at all and finally would any guy be pissed off if i brought up the topic of std testing?

cheers

MrVestek

Well personally I don't like wearing condoms but they're a necessary evil. One of the reasons I find alot of guys, myself included don't like wearing condoms is the fact that it can decrease sensitivity alot thus making the experience less pleasurable for the guy. I think unfortunately due to alot of mate's macho attitudes that yes unfortunately alot of them would be offended by asking for an STD test. As a rule personally I get tested anyways at least once every six months as you can never be too careful. Going on the pill is all well and good but no form of contraception is 100% so ideally you should go on the pill and still ask your fella to put on a condom.

Also shagging someone after only a week or two of knowing them can also be quite dangerous because as you've said you 'dunno where he's been'. Don't be pressured into having sex just because you think It'll please him either as you'll just end up feeling used after a few weeks. Take your time... take it slow and enjoy yourself.

Seraphina

UR01 wrote: »

he didnt have any condoms. then a conversation arose about condoms and he siad he hates wearing them, he's the third guy i have gone out with in the past few months that doesnt like wearing them

i think there is a type of guy out there who will 'forget' condoms or say he hates them in an attempt to see if you're a girl who will or wont do without.
personally i'd be very very wary of this guy, its quite likely he's fine with having sex without condoms because it feels better for him and could be riddled with diseases. sounds like he's done it before tbh.
alot of people seem to have the idea that it will never happen to them or believe cause they know the person or its not a one night stand, that they're sleeping with 'clean' people so they wont catch anything.

i would tend to steer clear of any guy who would suggest unprotected sex (and i mean sex without condoms - the pill wont protect you from diseases) unless you're in a long and undoubtedly faithful relationship.

regards std tests. yeah you could get him to have one, but for example things like HIV wont show up until between 6 months to a year after the virus has been contracted, so he could test negative for diseases while still being able to pass them on.

Electric

You could suggest that both of you have an STD test?

I'm not saying you have an STD but then both your minds could be put at ease. Plus it sounds less accusatory (and he's less likely to reject the idea) if it's coached in 'we' terms as opposed to 'you' terms.

PeakOutput

i hate them but they are a necessity

i never realised how **** they were until i had a long ter, gf and she went on the pill......using them after that is a bit **** but at the same time id never dream of suggesting to a new girlfriend to have sex without them

Golf Ninja

UR01 wrote: »

i have started seeing a guy 1-2 weeks ago. we were in bed the other night and were messing around and he wanted to have sex. now i personally on that occasion didnt want to and he was fine with that, but there was another reason we couldnt, we didnt have any protection, im not in the pill, though i dont mind going on it in the future and he didnt have any condoms. then a conversation arose about condoms and he siad he hates wearing them, he's the third guy i have gone out with in the past few months that doesnt like wearing them, i dont mind necessarily being on the pill but my problem lies in the fact that i 'dont know where he has been before me' so i would want him to wear a condom even if i was on the pill, unless he went and got a std check done.

im just looking for opinions on this, firstly why do guys not want to wear condoms, secondly surely sex with a condom is better than no sex at all and finally would any guy be pissed off if i brought up the topic of std testing?

cheers

I think you are right to ask him to wear a condom but asking a guy to get an std check sounds tricky so simply say no sex without a condom.

Sex without a condom feels better a greater sensation.

Some women i have been with dont want me to wear one for the same reason.

It is far to risky having sex without protection.

You have to think of your own health.

If he has a problem there are other things you can do.

Good luck

the_syco

If the lad doesn't like f**king with a condom, chances are that he's f**ked a few women with out a condom. You want herpes, and gawd knows what else, go for it.

But if you want to stay healthy, either get a few condoms, or get rid of him.

AARRRGH

Men normally know if they have a bacterial infection (there are obvious symptoms.)

Viral infections such as herpes, hepatitis and HIV are rare.

And nearly every sexually active person has HPV (genital warts) according to the Doctors in St. James's Hospital.

Most guys don't use condoms all the time. In fact, I'd say it's quite rare to find a guy who won't stop using condoms until his partner has been tested for STD's. So at some stage nearly every guy stops using condoms and takes a risk...

Whether you stop using condoms after two weeks or two months is up to you. The end result is pretty much the same though: "unsafe" sex.

If it's going to bother you, and it sounds like it is, tell him you are paranoid about STD's and you aren't comfortable having sex without a condom until you've both been tested.

Chances are he probably doesn't have a killer STD (thousands of strangers have unsafe sex every day in Ireland and hardly any of them catch viral infections) but you're prob better safe than sorry...

Don't be pressured into doing something you don't want to do.

echosound

"doesn't like wearing a condom" - well I guess neither he nor you would like an STD either, which outweighs the other?

I know condom wearing is not as pleasureable as going au naturel, but in all fairness - you are going out 2 weeks, and he would prefer you and expect you to go on the pill (putting hormones into your body each and every day with all the additional side effects) rather than for him to stick on a condom for the short time (well, ok, maybe the not-so-short time if you;re lucky ) you'll be having sex.

Pretty selfish IMO.

Obviously the pill won't protect against STDs, so until such time as you're in a stable/long term relationship where you both are tested for STDs and are pretty darn sure you are both being monogamous (no nasty surprises being brought home from a one night stand or suchlike) condoms are pretty much a necessity even if you're on the pill, unless you want to run the risk of catching an STD.

Solution is pretty obvious to me - no condom, no sex. He can decide if he is so dead set against condoms that he's willing to forego sex with you for his principles.
Why don't you start carrying condoms yourself? Doesn't need to be the guy who has to be the one to buy them or carry them. I personally used to carry a condom in my handbag from the age of about 16 (until I started going out with my now husband and we got serious) "just in case" I got too carried away in the moment and whatever BF I was with at the time didn't have any on him. Then there'll be no excuse next time you get hot and heavy, you'll have a condom to hand. Don't let yourself be pressurised into something you're not comfortable with. If you want the peace of mind using condoms brings, then insist on them. If he refuses, that's his loss, and he obviously doesn't respect you enough to take on board what you want.

davyjose

I hate them so much that I would actually offer to take an STD when starting a relationship (assuming she was happy to be on the pill, if not, I'd grudgingly wrap up). Fortunately I had just had one prior to the relationship I'm in now.
The problem is that they just don't feel right. It's not the same whatever anyone tells you, because well, God didn't make women's inside bits out of latex.

Also beer & shrink wrap = no sex!!!

So if you're not comfortable without, and he's not comfortable with - why don't you both get tested?

Talliesin

UR01 wrote: »

firstly why do guys not want to wear condoms

Many men find it doesn't feel as good. Many women find it it doesn't feel as good with a condom either.

UR01 wrote: »

secondly surely sex with a condom is better than no sex at all

If using barrier contraception I'd probably have penetrative sex about a quarter as often as with other means.
Condoms are irrelevant for most sexual acts, so if someone really doesn't like condoms then just stick to those until you are happy (by whatever degree of assurance makes sense to you) about having penetrative sex without them.

UR01 wrote: »

and finally would any guy be pissed off if i brought up the topic of std testing?

"any guy" - probably yes. "Any guy" includes guys who are idiots and guys who are assholes.

If you're going to make an informed decision to stop using barrier contraception, then you information, or it's hardly an "informed decision", is it? Whether just knowing his sexual history is enough for you or not is something you need to decide upon.

If someone wants you to make an important decision without the necessary information, then you probably shouldn't even lend them a fiver, never mind sleep with them.

dublindude wrote: »

Men normally know if they have a bacterial infection (there are obvious symptoms.)

Really, did we all suddenly change to have a different physiology, or did the Chlamydia trachomatis and Neisseria gonorrhoeae bacteria - two pick just two particularly common ones - suddenly evolve so that we all get symptoms now?

Did this happen today or the day before? Goodness, the things you miss if you don't watch the news over the weekend.

dublindude wrote: »

Viral infections such as herpes, hepatitis and HIV are rare.

Though common enough to take too many people from us.

dublindude wrote: »

Most guys don't use condoms all the time.

Do you have a statistic for that "most", or did you just make that up like the bit about men noticing bacterial infections?

Bottle_of_Smoke

dublindude wrote: »

Men normally know if they have a bacterial infection (there are obvious symptoms.)

I heard 1 in 8 men have Chlamydia. I had a urinary tract infection(bacterial thing), yes there were symptoms but I ignored it for ages. Had it been Chlamydia I probably would have ignored it too

Viral infections such as herpes, hepatitis and HIV are rare.

Not so sure about Herpes, you're right about the other two but not worth the risk imo.

And nearly every sexually active person has HPV (genital warts) according to the Doctors in St. James's Hospital.

Condoms don't offer much protection against them either.

Most guys don't use condoms all the time. In fact, I'd say it's quite rare to find a guy who won't stop using condoms until his partner has been tested for STD's. So at some stage nearly every guy stops using condoms and takes a risk...

I think you're right here, but there are far too many people with infections! This isn't a logical reason to avoid condoms

Latchy

More comfortable without although a nessacary evil for many .....

WindSock

UR01 wrote: »

then a conversation arose about condoms and he siad he hates wearing them,

Aw the poor pet. Sure he can always wear a nice batch of genital warts instead. Or a t-shirt with a picture of his child saying 'worlds best Dad'.


Tell him to zip up his mickey until you see he gets the all clear.

AARRRGH

dublindude wrote:

Men normally know if they have a bacterial infection (there are obvious symptoms.)

Talliesin wrote: »

Really, did we all suddenly change to have a different physiology, or did the Chlamydia trachomatis and Neisseria gonorrhoeae bacteria - two pick just two particularly common ones - suddenly evolve so that we all get symptoms now?

Eh, yes we do have a different physiology actually. Men pee out the same tubing they have sex with, whereas women pee out of different tubing. Women don't pee out of their vagina.

It is common for men to have symptoms (green slime, painful peeing, etc.) and quite common for women to have no symptoms.

dublindude wrote:

Viral infections such as herpes, hepatitis and HIV are rare.

Talliesin wrote: »

Though common enough to take too many people from us.

Eh, not quite. It is very rare for a non-drug using, heterosexual man to have HIV. Same with Hepatitis. I'm assuming the OP's boyfriend is a non-drug using, heterosexual man.

Herpes is fairly harmless.

dublindude wrote:

Most guys don't use condoms all the time. In fact, I'd say it's quite rare to find a guy who won't stop using condoms until his partner has been tested for STD's. So at some stage nearly every guy stops using condoms and takes a risk...

Talliesin wrote: »

Do you have a statistic for that "most", or did you just make that up like the bit about men noticing bacterial infections?

What are you talking about. Nearly every couple, everywhere in the world, eventually stops using condoms. Very few of them would have gone to the STD clinic together. This is just common sense, so no statistics are required.

Talliesin

Talliesin wrote: »

Condoms are irrelevant for most sexual acts, so if someone really doesn't like condoms then just stick to those until you are happy (by whatever degree of assurance makes sense to you) about having penetrative sex without them.

You do realise that men are at risk from a wide range of STDs through unprotected oral sex.

Laslo

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

I heard 1 in 8 men have Chlamydia.

I heard that Santa delivers toys to every child on earth every year on the 25th December. The argument was fairly convincing and it seems to have a lot of support but I'm still not sure if it's entirely true. I also heard that one in 5 women were rabid crack-ho's.

cazzy

Just remember some STD's take a few months to show up in a test - HIV for instance. There is no real test for this just a test that shows certain antibodies and these are only manufactured by the body when the disease has been present for at least 2 months. Do you not live near a petrol station/store/pub with vending machines - condoms are not that hard to find !!
Whats the rush also if youre only going out with him a wet week !
Can you trsut someone you hardly know to give you a true history !

Talliesin

dublindude wrote: »

Eh, yes we do have a different physiology actually. Men pee out the same tubing they have sex with, whereas women pee out of different tubing. Women don't pee out of their vagina.

No, I meant do we have a different physiology to what we had two days ago. Two days ago there were a large number of bacterial STIs from which men would often not exhibit symptoms - chlamydia and gonorrhea being two. I didn't catch the news this weekend, so I could have missed all men on planet earth changing in this way.

dublindude wrote: »

It is common for men to have symptoms (green slime, painful peeing, etc.) and quite common for women to have no symptoms.

Well, with Chlamydia it's around 50% in men. Not having symptoms is far from rare amongst the male infected population.

With some other infections women are more likely to exhibit symptoms than men, candidacies and trichomoniasis for example (okay, so they aren't backterial, but is the exact nature of the microbe involved that important if you have it?).

dublindude wrote: »

Eh, not quite.

What numbers one finds acceptable is of course a matter of opinion. We'll have to agree to disagree on how much it sucks to have an incurable disease.

dublindude wrote: »

What are you talking about. Nearly every couple, everywhere in the world, eventually stops using condoms. Very few of them would have gone to the STD clinic together. This is just common sense, so no statistics are required.

In my experience nearly every couple, everywhere in the world, don't last very long, so "eventually" doesn't come up for them. However, I'm aware of false consensus effect so I'm not going to assume that they really are in the majority.

Moonbaby wrote: »

You do realise that men are at risk from a wide range of STDs through unprotected oral sex.

Yes. Point?

Nevyn

dublindude This forum promotes safer sex and contraception.
If you want to get into a statistical debate about the rates of infection do so on the science forums.

Anyone promoting insafe sex and fudging numbers or % in this forum will get banned.

Thundercracker

i wont lie to you, the sensation of having sex without a condom is fantastic, but its like playing with matches. ask him politely to wear one, even durex featherlite

Rb

Get him to wear a condom until you're seeing him longer, get on the pill anyway as it's excellent and then when the relationship has progressed a bit, suggest getting STI/STD tests for the two of you before moving to without condoms.

Sex is an awful lot better without a condom, but they're definitely a necessary evil, particularly in the early stages in a relationship when you don't know the guy so well and especially (and obviously) always use one whilst you aren't on the pill.

Bottom line is, sex is risky. If this guy is promoting unsafe sex two weeks after meeting you, you should push for an STI/STD test and if he's not up for that, get rid of him.

Esel

Get him to buy Durex Avanti. They are non-latex, but very expensive in comparison. If he doesn't think you're worth it, tell him to go fcuk himself.

azezil

If he thinks condoms are uncomfortable, try gonorrhea

Ninja_scrotum

I wouldn't be offended if asked to take an std test. You and him are taking a risk if you don't. But I feel for the poor fella. Condoms switch my lad off the minute I put them on. Droopy time.

Esel

Ninja_scrotum wrote: »

Condoms switch my lad off the minute I put them on.

Get someone else to put it on then! You can then concentrate on the main event.

davyjose

dublindude wrote: »

Herpes is fairly harmless.

Really???

Neonatal HSV disease is a rare, but serious, usually the consequence of vertical HSV transmission from mother to newborn child, although an estimated 10% of cases are thought to be acquired postnatally from a parent, caretaker, or sibling. Prospective active surveillance data indicate an incidence rate of 3.61 per 100,000 live births in Australia, with similar rates in the UK; but much lower than the USA which is estimated to be 6-20 per 100,000 live births depending on region and demographics. [8][9] Preliminary studies indicate the epidemiology in Canada is closer to Europe than to the United States. Neonatal herpes manifests itself in three forms. Skin, eyes, mouth, herpes (SEM) which is characterized by external lesions but no internal organ invovment, and has the best prognosis. Disseminated Herpes (DIS) which involves internal organ infection noteably the liver; and Central Nervous System herpes (CNS) which involves the nervous system and the brain, possibly leading to encephalitis . CNS has the highest morbidity when treated because Disseminated herpes has a higher mortality rate. SEM herpes untreated, may spread to internal organs and result in mortality or morbidity due to disseminated HSV disease and/or HSV encephalitis due to CNS Herpes. The mortality rate from neonatal HSV disease in the US is down to about 25% from as high as 85% a few decades ago, due to the advent of vidarabine, and later acyclovir antiviral therapy. The morbidity and mortality still remain high due to the inability to diagnose DIS and CNS herpes earlier and to administer anti-viral therapies earlier.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Herpes#Neonatal_herpes_simplex

unreggd

OP, He should count himself lucky he still has something to put a condom on!

biko

azezil wrote: »

If he thinks condoms are uncomfortable, try gonorrhea

Indeed

davyjose wrote: »

Really???
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Herpes#Neonatal_herpes_simplex

1 in 4 Americans has herpes.

LegacyUser

when me and my girlfriend started to become sexually involved we used condoms. then after a while she informed me she was indeed on the pill.

so the discussion came up about not using condoms. i didn't mind using them but as mentioned in an earlier post, it does slightly decrease sensitivity for the guy. she didn't mind at all us not using condoms, but she was concerned about STI's. I volunteered to go for the checks, even though i knew i had nothing at all.

Went and got the checks done (they're easy, it's basically a urine sample and a blood test - don't listen to anyone who tells you they're going to stick things down ur little chap) 2 weeks later i got the all clear and from then on we've never looked back.

basically look at it like this - if you don't like wearing condoms, but are scared/embarrassed about getting the checks done, then tough titty.

grow some balls, be a real man and get the checks done. she's happy, and you're happy. if you get any stick off mates for having the checks then just inform them that you're perfectly comfortable with it and it just shows a much higher level of love and trust in your relationship which they obviously don't have in theirs.

then destroy them in a thumb-war!!!!!

you - 1
your friends - 0

Drift

soundadvice22 wrote: »

grow some balls, be a real man and get the checks done. she's happy, and you're happy.

Just to add that both partners should get an std check done when the time comes. Its pretty pointless otherwise.


It might also get the OP out of her bind if she suggests they both get std tests.

azezil

soundadvice22 wrote: »

Went and got the checks done (they're easy, it's basically a urine sample and a blood test - don't listen to anyone who tells you they're going to stick things down ur little chap) 2 weeks later i got the all clear and from then on we've never looked back.

Eh yes they do, I've 2 done and both times I've had a 'yokie' poked inside of my peepee, it doesn't hurt tho, its only for a split second.

Toots

esel wrote: »

Get someone else to put it on then! You can then concentrate on the main event.

Yes, there are lots of fun ways of encorporating putting on a condom into foreplay (learning to put it on with ur mouth is sure to impress ).

However, even if he doesn't go for that tell him in no uncertain terms that you will not be having sex without condoms. As said by previous posters, some STDs take weeks or even months to show up so even if he got tested and got the all clear tomorrow he could still infect you with something.

My advice would be that you go on the pill as well as using condoms until the relationship becomes more serious because:
a)condoms can break...you need to have a backup, unless you want a kid with this guy.
b)the pill is not 100% effective birth control, lots of things can effect it, like if you get sick or have stomach upset. Also some types of the pill need a to be used for a couple of weeks until enough of the hormones etc have built up in your system to provide adequate contraception so it's not simply a case of popping a pill in the morning and then having worry free sex that night.

When you've been together for a while if you want to consider going without condoms, go for the tests together. Most importantly look after yourself, don't let him pressure you into doing anything you don't want to. Yes, sex feels much better without condoms, but it will feel better again if you are comfortable and relaxed enough to enjoy it properly.

LegacyUser

I can't believe all these people downplaying the risk of STDs. I wear seatbelts in a car, and I wouldn't sleep with someone who wasn't going to wear a condom.

The days of someone only having sex with one person, the person they marry, are pretty much gone, you don't know where that person's been before.

--Kaiser--

Fact: People can carry Chlamydia with no external symptoms and infection with this virus can cause permanent infertility (in females anyway)

Miguel_Sanchez

To be honest people who have unprotected sex with someone they don't know very long are a bit stupid. There's no two ways around it. I don't give a **** about 'caught up in the moment' etc etc. If you're not wearing a condom (or not insisting that your partner wears a condom) then you really need someone to sit you down and give you a good talking to.

There's no excuse in this day and age for someone to plead ignorance. If you're just newly acquainted and you don't have a condom then don't have sex. Simple as that.