Really down & confused

northdubgal

Hi all.. I know this is long but hope I can get some advice off you all.

I have been going out with my boyf for over 4 years now. He was married at a young age and has two kids (one of which has special needs). He made me aware of this the first night I met him.

His marriage was quite tough, she was quite violent towards him and incredibly abusive. When that relationship ended he swore to himself that he would never be in that situation again.

The relationship we have has it's ups and downs like most but for some reason every time we fight or disagree on something he just shuts me out and makes the same comment every time, "I dont care". He usualy thinks that we have to break up as we are having a fight. I am always the first one to make the move and clear things up and in the 4.5yrs I think he has apologise only twice.

Things between us have been going great until we got engaged 4 weeks ago and since then we are basically not talking... and it's really getting me down. I was quite surprised that he would get engaged again and I was thrilled that he trusted me and loved me so much to want to spend the rest of his life together. But now we are fighting about everthing. He takes offence to anything and he refuses to talk about things and has this attitude of not giving a crap. Just the other day he said that he didnt know what to do as he felt like he did in his last relationship, that really hurt me and has been on my mind since. I have asked him a couple of times if he is regretting getting engaged and he has swore to me that he hasnt.

We had a little falling out last night (over his kids - which has been happening quite a bit lately) and have hardly said two words to each other and I am crying here thinking of ending the relationship (or thinking that he will) and it scares me something fierce. I have basically decided that if nothing changes by the new year well I will have to end it even though I love him to bits. I know he's not perfect but no one is and we all have our faults.

I just dont know if I am making a mountain out of a molehill...

My older sister went out with a complete ba stard for 10 years, starting when I was 13. She got herself into so much trouble with him and he beat her around nearly every day. My mam hated this and usually took her anger out on me. Telling me that she is such a push over and so am I with men. For some reason she made me feel that I am the same as my sister; weak, would let a man walk all over me and treat me like ****, which I feel I am the total opposite. My mam had been saying this to me for years that I dont know if she is right; am I weak or am I just confused???

My boyf says that I can be too hard on him and I have my family telling me I am going too easy on him and I dont know what to think or what to do... I know this maybe two problems combined into one, and I hope I expressed everything clearly...

What do I do? I don't want to loose my boyf, I don't want to fight anymore. I could suggest couples counselling but I know he will probably laugh.. What do you think??

JohnnyStones

"Things between us have been going great until we got engaged 4 weeks ago and since then we are basically not talking... "


That doesn't sound like a good beginning to a marriage!!
Your just after getting engaged and he doesn't talk to you?


Get Shot of him-what's the point of marrying a mute?

He'll only get worse over the years!

KIVES

This will sound wacky but sometimes the unorthodox works a treat...I have never known strong tea and hot piping scones to fail yet...it could be the makings of your relationship...my girlfriend swears it saved our bacon

JohnnyStones

KIVES wrote: »

This will sound wacky but sometimes the unorthodox works a treat...I have never known strong tea and hot piping scones to fail yet...it could be the makings of your relationship...my girlfriend swears it saved our bacon

WHAT?

scones and a cup of tea, how will that save her relationship?

scone's, tea and counseling maybe.

KIVES

It basically helped us to get back to basics-We'd forgotten why we'd hooked up in the first place-and the petty disagreements over jam and figs just seemed to drag us down;In the end I threatened her with a stump of cheese and we broke down crying amid the crumbling cheddar..We'd actually met in a Cafe called 'The Crazy Pirate' in Ballyferriter and coincidently ordered warm scones and piping hot tea on our first 'date'...to cut to the chase, after the incident with the cheese, we resolved to go basics...hence the scones and tea idea for Dubgirl above...either that or brand the charlatan with a hot iron and head for the hills

JohnnyStones

TROLL


This is serious man!!
i reckon you'd be better suited to AH

OP just try and talk it out with the BF and if that doesn't work-
well give him back his engagement ring and walk away

kowloon

Whats in the scones?
Is it measured in some pseudo-imperial measurement system of its own?:D

KIVES

I honestly don't know-my granny used say that any problem that couldn't be resolved by 3 hot scones and a bit of honesty was worth resolving...actually,have serious amount of sympathy for that girl but these things are way too complicated to be discussed/resolved on a Personal Issues Forum-As a guy,my advice would be to walk away but it dosen't always work like that...

Dizzyblonde

Don't even think of marrying this man until he's had counselling. Any baggage from his first marriage will need to be sorted first.
You also need to take a step back and look at what you'd be getting into. If he's treating you this way after you're engaged, what will he be like when you're married?
Does your mother have a point, do you maybe feel that this is the best you can do? You're worth a lot more, you know.
This guy sounds like hard work.

northdubgal

Dizzyblonde wrote: »

This guy sounds like hard work.

Everything in my life seems like hard work!!

Dizzy, he already got counselling after his marriage broke down. He hated every minute of it and didn't complete it. I asked him loads of times to go back but he refused point blank.

In relation to my mam... well she never thinks any man is good enough for her daughters!! But at the same time she also thinks that I let my boyf walk all over me.. so its a no win situation with her. Her advice that she gives is very biased.

I love him so much and and everytime I think about walking away it scares the s sh i t out of me. You're right it isnt a great start to a marriage.

I would like this to work out but I don't know how to start the ball rolling.

He is due home from work in an hour and back in again early in the morning so there will be no time for us to talk... I know the atmosphere will still be a little frosty when he gets home so there probably is no point..

SarahSassy

Be out with your friends the next time he comes home from work. He is bullying you. Not visibly and openly but he is still mentally abusing and bullying you.

He is blaming you for the problems in his past and while he tells you he does not regret getting engaged, he wont speak to you - come on..... Look at the facts and listen to your gut. You know its not right.

Why dont you move to a friends/ home for a couple of weeks to straighten out your thoughts. It might give him a wake up call but in all seriousness it sounds like this problem will only rear its ugly head again in the future.

Maybe your Mother doesnt think these guys are good enough for her daughters cos they aren't.... Normally Mothers have experience of life and perspective from outside which lets them see what is truly going on...

Take a break from it and then made a choice but TBH I think you already know its not good enough.

Good luck.

SS

Esel

Have you ever met his ex-wife or heard her story of their marriage/breakup? It might be radically different to the story you've heard from him. Two sides, and all that.

EamonnKeane

Don't even think of marrying this man until he's had counselling. Any baggage from his first marriage will need to be sorted first.

You can't just "sort" things, life isn't TV, and a counsellor is just someone with a cert. Getting terrorised by his 1st wife won't be easily forgotten. But as to the lady in question, if you think he won't be able for marriage again, you will have to leave him.

lennox1

Nothdubgal,please leave the relationship you are in for your own sake.This man is not willing to sort out his own problems and is willing to make you miserable as a result.That is not love!!
You are worth much more than the way he is treating you and there are many really good guys out there.While you feel your mam is biased,she is! Blood is thicker than water and she will be there for you through thick and thin.While she may not be handling it in best way in telling you you're weak,she wants you to be happy and is probably frustrated that she can't flatten your b'f for the way he's treating you.
If your b/f won't talk through problems with you and rarely apologises,it isn't a good sign.I have seen the effects that sort of silent treatment has had in my own extended family and its not nice,especially for children.
Good luck in whatever you decide to do and remember that this life is not a dress rehearsal.We get one shot at it and happiness and contentment is most important.You can find that,with someone else.

Beruthiel

KIVES wrote: »

I honestly don't know-my granny used say that any problem that couldn't be resolved by 3 hot scones and a bit of honesty was worth resolving...actually,have serious amount of sympathy for that girl but these things are way too complicated to be discussed/resolved on a Personal Issues Forum-As a guy,my advice would be to walk away but it dosen't always work like that...

Don't know if you've been banned already from here, but I'm banning you now just to be sure.

OP
Having been married once myself and being sure it was going to work, it can come as quite a shock to you later that you could have been that wrong.

Your b/f got married, it didn't work out he never want's to put himself in that position again. It can get to the stage where you wonder if you can trust your own decisions with regards to relationships.
You come along, he care's enough for you to get engaged, but he still doesn't trust his decision. This is not because of you, he loves you, but in the back of his mind is that niggly doubt that it could all go pear shaped again. Getting engaged 4 weeks ago has brought this to his attention one more time.
You need to sit him down and point the above out to him. He may not even know this is the reason he's acting up.
If he cannot get past this, I'd suggest a professionl to help him get over this.

lennox1

lennox1 wrote: »

Nothdubgal,please leave the relationship you are in for your own sake.This man is not willing to sort out his own problems and is willing to make you miserable as a result.That is not love!!
You are worth much more than the way he is treating you and there are many really good guys out there.While you feel your mam is biased,she is! Blood is thicker than water and she will be there for you through thick and thin.While she may not be handling it in best way in telling you you're weak,she wants you to be happy and is probably frustrated that she can't flatten your b'f for the way he's treating you.
If your b/f won't talk through problems with you and rarely apologises,it isn't a good sign.I have seen the effects that sort of silent treatment has had in my own extended family and its not nice,especially for children.
Good luck in whatever you decide to do and remember that this life is not a dress rehearsal.We get one shot at it and happiness and contentment is most important.You can find that,with someone else.

I have to agree with this
Leave him - he's not willing to work on your relationship, and he is NOT worth it.

karen3212

northdubgal wrote: »

For some reason she made me feel that I am the same as my sister; weak, would let a man walk all over me and treat me like ****, which I feel I am the total opposite. My mam had been saying this to me for years that I dont know if she is right; am I weak or am I just confused???

Op from these few sentences, if I were you I would stop listening to your mother. I think she is refusing to let you girls go and make your own mistakes/decisions. Do you live at home? Learn to trust yourself, make your own decision, treat your bf as you see fit, forget about other people's opinions, you and your bf have to negotiate your own relationship.

You sound like you really love him, and as pointed out already things between you have been going haywire since your engagement. Ye need to find a way of communicating and don't hint at your needs, spell them out.

I think most couples here go for marriage courses before getting married, so if your partner laughs at counselling, then at least book the pre-marital course.