Genius Euphemisms!

A-Trak

Now I know there's been threads in the past regarding about euphemisms, eg: "I call having a dump dropping the kids off at the pool" - Ha ha ha...hmmm.

But I have to share some of the euphemisms from a colleague I have - this man is a 50 year old, recently divorced, executive in the large multi national corp I work in.

"I was digging in a lady garden last night"
I enjoyed the company of a lady last night.

"I had clatter of pints so I had to thumb it into her."
I had imbibed a few porters so my member was less then firm

"You'd want to have seen the balloon knot on her!"
She had interesting genetalia

"I left her face like a painters radio"
Ehm, I don't really know how to translate this with out getting banned!, If you've had painters and decorators in your house, recall what their radio looks like!

This was after one conversation. Phrases I will use forever.
At 28 I thought I'd heard very hacknied and boring euphemism. How wrong I was.

Anyone else got similar genius?

Outer Bongolia

I threw it up between the two legs last night and it never came down. in the end her goul was on fire

=

I engaged in penetrative sexual intercourse with a human female for a prolonged period of time, guaranteeing her successive orgasms before I eventually arrived at ejaculation

Calibos

Seeing an attractive older woman walking down the street...I'll have that in an 18 please

Wheres John?...Up in his bedroom engaging in hand to gland combat

Laslo

An oldie but a goodie:

"It was like throwin' a sausage up O'Connell Street"
I had sexual intercourse with a woman with a large vagina

This could also be translated as:
"She was like a wizard's sleeve, yer one"

2Scoops

A-Trak wrote: »

At 28 I thought I'd heard very hacknied and boring euphemism. How wrong I was.

Yes, they are fairly hackneyed and boring euphemisms alright.
Sounds a bit like David Brent's mate Finchy from The Office tbh.

Xyo

she has a fanny on her like a swimming cap

translation - she has a large vagina

ScumLord

A-Trak wrote: »

Anyone else got similar genius?

Yes.

pickarooney

Anyone know what a euphemism is?

Ghost Train

pickarooney wrote: »

Anyone know what a euphemism is?

it like a code for something, so you can say what you mean, while still keeping the conversation (relitively) polite

see the naughty fllter on the boards site, shouldn't be too offended by the following list, havn't read them all, so sorry is any are too graphic

Male ones

Abusing the usual suspect
Angry fist action
Answer the bone-a-phone
Assault on a friendly weapon
Backstroke roulette
Baiting your hook
Ball off
Batting practice
Bash the bishop
Bash the candle
Beat off
Beat your hog
Beating the bait
Beating the bishop
Beating the dummy
Beating the snake
Beating the stick
Beating your meat
Being your own best friend
Belt your hog
Blanket drill, The
Bleed the lizard
Bleed the weed
Blessing the alter boy
Blow Your load
Bludgeon the beefsteak
Bop the baloney
Bop the boa
Bop the hog
Boppin' your bologna
Box the Jesuit
Boxing the clown
Buckin' it
Buffing the banana
Buffing the wood
Burping the worm
Bust a nut
Butter your corn
Cajun clown ****ing
Calling down for more mayo
Calling genie
Cast off
Chafing the weasel
Changing your oil
Charm the cobra
Chicken milking
Choking Charlie 'till he throws up
Choke the sheriff and wait for the posse to come
Choke Kojak
Choke the bishop
Choke the chicken
Cleaning out the rope
Cleaning the pipes
Cleaning the rifle
Clubbing Eddy
Clubbing the dolphin
Coax the cajones
Coming to grips with yourself
Couch hockey for one
Cough your filthy yogurt
Cracking one off
Cracking the fat
Crank the Shank
Cranking
Creaming the banana
Crown the king
Cuff the carrot
Cuff the governor
Cuffing the puppy
Date Rosey Palm and her five daughters
Dating Miss Michigan
Detoxifying the puppy
Devil's handshake
Diddle yourself
Dishonorable discharge
Doing the knuckle shuffle on your piss pump
Dong flogging
Doodle your noodle
Drain the dragon
Drain the monster
Drain the vein
Drip the pickle
Drop off a load
Drubbing the dolphin
Eberting Siskel
Fapping
Fertilizing the Lawn
Fetch the bagel dog
Fiddle the ferret
Fight your turkey
Firm your worm
Fist ****
Fist kabobing
Fist your mister
Five against one
Five finger knuckle shuffle
Five knuckle olympics
Flog yourself
Flogging the bishop
Flogging the dolphin
Flogging your dong
Flogging your log
Flong your dong
Flute solo
Flying a kite
Fondle the fig
Freeing the willies
Friction therapy
Frig yourself
Frigging the love muscle
**** Mary Fist
Gallop the antelope
Get a hold of yourself
Get your nuts off
Getting in touch with your manhood
Getting in touch with yourself
Getting to know yourself
Getting your caps peeled
Gherkin jerkin'
Giving it a tug
Giving oneself a "low-five"
Giving the John Hancock
Grease the pipe
Greasing your bone
Grip your dip
Grooming your junior
Hack the hog
Ham shank
Hand dancing
Hand jive
Hand job
Handle yourself
Hands on training
Hand to gland combat
Hand to hand combat with the purple helmeted warrior
Hand work
Having a pull
Having a roy
Have it off
Have one off the wrist
Heating up the hot dog
Hitchhike under the big top
Hitching to Heaven
Hit the ham
Holding all the cards
Holding your sausage hostage
Hone your bone
Hump your fist
Hump your hose
Humpin' air
Interrogating the witness
Ironing some wrinkles
Jack hammer
Jack off
Jackin'
Jackin' the beanstalk
Jag off
Jazz yourself
Jerk off
Jerk the gherkin
Jerk the Johnson
Jibbin'
Jiggle the jewelry
Jimmying your Joey
Juggling the javelin
Keep the census down
Kick one out
Killing kittens
Killing the beast
Knock the top off
Knuckle shuffle
Launching the hand shuttle
Leakin' the main drain
Living by the fat of the hand
Lizard milking
Loping your mule
Lynching the one-eyed monster
Makin' gravy for the biscuit
Making the bald guy puke
Making nut butter
Making yogurt
Mangle the midget
Manipulate the mango
Manual exercise
Manual override
Manual pollution
Masonic secret self handshake
Massage the muscle
Massage the purple-headed warrior
Menage a moi
Milking the bull
Milking the lizard
Milking the monkey
Milkywaying
Molding hot plastic
Muscling up
Nerk your throbber
Oil the glove
Oiling the pogo stick
Onanism
One handed clapping
One handed humpty hump love pump, The
One handed rodeo, The
One-legged race, The
One man show
One man tug-o-war
One man wrestling
One man's game
Pack your palm
Paddle the pickle
Paint the pickle
Paint the walls
Pat the Robertson
Peel the banana
Peel the carrot
Peter beater
Petting the dog
Playing with Dick
Playing with Susie Palm and her five friends
Playing with the noodle
Play pocket pool
Play the organ
Play the pisser
Play the piss pipe
Play the skin flute
Play the stand-up organ
Playing with the snake
Playing your instrument
Play with yourself
Plunk your twanger
Pocket pinball
Pocket pool
Pokin' the palm
Polish the bishop
Polish the chrome dome
Polish the helmet
Polish the rocket
Polish the sword
Polish your bayonet
Polish your helmet
Polish your piece
Polishing the banister
Polishing the cue stick
Popping the porpoise
Pound off
Pound your flounder
Pound your piss pump
Pound your pomegranate
Pounding your pud
Preemptive infanticide
Private arm exercise
Prod the peepee
Promoting carpal-tunnel syndrome
Pudwhacking
Pud wrestling
Pull the root
Pull off
Pull your pud
Pull your pudding
Pull yourself off
Pulling the goalie
Pulling the piss pump
Pulling the pole
Pulling the pope
Pulling the pud
Pulling the taffy
Pulling the wire
Pulling your pickle
Pump your pickle
Pumping for pleasure
Pumping for power
Pumping the python
Pumping your gas at self-service island
Punchin' the clown
Punchin' the munchkin
Punishing Percy
Punishing the bishop
Punishing the priest
Punishing the Evil Merchant
Ram the ham
Releasing the hostages
Ricky boxing
Ride the great white knuckler
Ringing the bell
Rolling the fleshy blunt
Roman helmet rhumba
Ropin' the long horn
Rope the pony
Roughing up the suspect
Rounding up the tadpoles
Rub off
Rub one out
Rub the unicorn's horn
Rubbing Peter to pay Paula
Run off a batch
Saluting the general
Sanding the main mast
Shaking hands with the unemployed
Shlackin' the glacknoid
Scraping the carrot
Scratching the itch
Seasoning your meat
Self-love
Sending out the troops
Setting sail with Captain Thumb on the USS Hand
Sex with your best friend
Shag off
Shaking hands with Abe Lincoln
Shaking hands with shorty
Shaking hands with the governor
Shaking hands with the unemployed
Shake the snake
Shaking the tree
Shifting gears
Shine your pole
Shining the helmet
Shining the torpedo
Shooting enemies
Shooting practice
Shooting putty at the moon
Shooting Sherman
Shooting without scoring
Shower spank
Shucking Bubba
Shucking the corn
Simple infanticide
Slam the hammer
Slammin' the salami
Slappin' pappy
Slapping the clown
Slapping Uncle Willy
Slap boxing the one-eyed champ
Slap my happy sacs
Slap the salami
Slapping the cyclops
Slapping your chub
Slinging jelly
Sloppy Joe's last stand
Sloppy sign language
Smacking the snake
Smite the dragon
Snap the monkey
Snap the whip
Snapping your carrot
Solitary sin, The
Spank the frank
Spank your monkey
Spear chucking
Spit-shine the purple helmet
Splurtin' the spladder bladder
Spreading the mayo
Spunk the monk
Squeeze the cream from the flesh twinkie
Squeeze the lemon
Squeezing the tube of toothpaste
Squeezing the burrito
Stall clapping
Stir the soup
Strangling the snake
Strangling the Wonka
Stroke off
Stroke the stallion
Stroke your poke
Stroking it
Stroking your goat
Stroke your poker
Tadpole rodeo, The
Taking a core sample
Taking a shake break
Taking advantage of yourself
Taking Herman to the circus
Taking Little Johnny dancing down at Knuckle Junction
Tame the wild hog
Taming of the shrew, The
Tap the turkey
Tease one out
Tease the python
Tease the weasel
Tenderize the meat
Tethering the blimp
The erky jerk
The sticky page rhumba
Threading a needle
Throttle the bottle
Throw off a catch
Throwin' down
Thump the pump
Tickle the Elmo
Tickle the pickle
Tickle your goodfoot
Toss off
Toss the boss
Toss the midget
Toss the turkey
Touch off a batch of orphans
Tugging the tapioca tube
Tugging the tubesteak
Tug of war with cyclops
Tuning the antenna
Turning on the ivory faucet
Tussle with your muscle
Twang your wire
Tweek
Uncorking the champagne
Unwrapping the pepperoni
Varnishing the cane
Vinegar stroke
Wailing
Waking up your bro
Walking the dog
Walking Willie the one-eyed wonder worm
Wang whacking
****(ing)
**** the Willy Wonka
**** the crank
Waxing the dolphin
Wax your Jackson
Wax your weasel
Wax your Willy
Whack the bag
Whack off
Whack your tack
Whacking the weed
Whapping your wang
Whip the cummy
Whip your cripper
Whipping the one-eyed wonder weasel
Whipping the pony
Whipping the window washer
Whipping up a batch
White water wristing
Whizzin' Jizz
Wiggling your worm
Willy tickle
Winding the Jack In The Box
Wing it
Wonk your conker
Work one out
Working a cramp out of your muscle
Working your willy
Wrestling Jimmy
Wrestling the bald-headed champ
Wrestling the bald-headed sumo
Wrestling the eel
Wring out your rope
Wring your thing
Wringing 'round the rosie
Wrist aerobics
Yahtzee
Yank my doodle dandy
Yank off
Yank the yodel
Yank your crank
Yank your yam
Zipper surfing


Female ones

A night in with the girls
Airing the orchid
Auditioning the finger puppets
Banana in your box
Bangin' the hood
Beat the beaver
Beat the clit
Beating around the bush
Beaver bop, The
Bisecting the triangle
Bo-diddle, To
Brushing the beaver
Buff the weasel
Buffin' the muffin
Burro ride through Grand Canyon
Bushwhacking
Buttering up the whisker biscuit
Candlesticking
Carpet bumping
Cat got your tongue
Cuddle your clit
Checking for squirrels
Cherry twist
Choking the oyster
Churning butter
Clam bake for one
Cleaning the fish
Cleaning your fingers
Cleaving it to Beaver
Clit clamp
Clitters
Clubbin' the nubbin'
Coming into your own
Composing on the single key piano
Cook the clam
Cook your nookie
Cradle the cooch
Creamin'
Cucumber in your cooze
Cuddling the kitty
Cup your ****
Dialing the rotary phone
Dickless dildo dance, The
Diddling
Diddling the bean
Digging a trench
Digging for clam
Dip your digits
Do the nasty
Doing your nails
Double clicking your mouse
Dousing the digits
Drawing inside the lines
Drilling for maiden water
Drowning the crabs
Engaging in safe sex
Engaging in a hot button issue
Erasing the problem
Fanning the fur
Feed the beaver
Feed the cat
Feeding the bearded clam
Feeding your slot
Feel the fur
Fiddle with your middle
Fiddling the bean
Finger blasting
Fingerbating
Fingerpainting
Five knuckle gusset shuffle
Flickin' the bean
Flickin' your clit
Flipping the switch
Flit the clit
Flounder feeling
Fluff your muff
Fondling the flaps
Frigging
****ing without complications
Furry finger ****, The
Gagging the cat
Gagging the clam
Gagging the lips of love
Genital stimulation via phalangetic motion
Get a date with slick mittens
Get a lube job
Get nasty
Get to know yourself
Get a stinky pinky
Giving lip service
Giving the fuzzy bunny a carrot
Giving yourself the finger
Going mining
Groping the grotto
Greasing the slit
Greasing your hips
Grissle rub
Grooving the groove
Gusset typing
Harmonious hand hump, The
Having some clam dip
Having sex with someone you love
Hee-haw with wrinkled mee-maw
Hello Kitty
Hiking the canyon
Hitchhiking south
Hitchhiking to Heaven
Hitchhiking under the big top
Hump the bump
Ironing some wrinkles
Itch the ditch
Itching the scratch
Jackin' the flaps
Jerkin' your merkin
Jillin' off
Jocelyn Eldering
Killing the ferret
Kit Kat shuffle
Knifing
Knuckle ****ing
Knuckle shuffle
Ladle out the gravy boat
Leave it to beaver
Let the fingers do the walkin'
Levy break limbo
Lick your lips
Lovin' your oven
Lucy
Make the tide come in
Making soup
Manual override
Massaging the mistress
Mauling the Maid
Melting snow
Merry widow waltz, The
Mistressbation
Muffin buffin'
Non-penile pleasure pursuit, The
Nulling the void
Nuzzle your fuzz
Oiling the puss
Orchid grinding
Ordaining the valley
Paddling the pink canoe
Palmolive finger dip, The
Pampering the pussy
Panning for gold
Parting the Red Sea
Parting the waters
Pearl fishing
Pet the petunia
Pet the pussy
Petting the poodle
Piddle the pooter
Pipe cleaning
Plunging the skunk guts
Polishing the nugget
Polishing the peanut
Polishing the pearl
Polishing your nails
Pound the mound
Plan B
Play the clitar
Playing couch hockey for one
Playing poke-her
Playing the old one-key piano
Playing the silent trombone
Playing with her pineapple
Playing with Mrs. Palmer's five daughters
Playing with the ferret
Playing with the man in the boat
Plumbing the bottomless pit of passion
Pull your clit 'til you spit
Punishing the pink
Punt your ****
Pushing the button
Pussy soccer
Quackle the queen
Quim slippin'
Renting a boat for one in central park
Riding the unicycle
Ringing for service
Rolling the dough
Rolling the pebble
Rounding the mound
Rowing your one (wo)man canoe
Rub your cooze 'til you ooze
Rubbin' the nubbin
Rubbing the donut
Rubbing the red pussycat
Scoring the hoop
Scratch your snatch
Scrubbing the dishpan
See if the baby's home
Shadow boxing
Shaking hands with Mr. Lincoln
She-bop
Shelling the oyster
Slapping the south mouth
Soak your seat
Soaking the whisker biscuit
Spank the fish
Spelunking
Spearing the bearded clam
Spinning the record
Split your slit
Splittin' the kitten
Squeeze the peach
Stirring the clam chowder
Stirring the trough
Stroke the peekaboo Nellie
Stroke your slit
Strokin' and pokin'
Strumming
Strumming the banjo
Stuffing the turkey
Surfing the channel
Swat your twat
Sweeping the streets of Tuna Town
Teasing the kitty
Teasing the tuna taco
Testing the batteries
Testing the plumbing
Tibetan self-inflicted crotch nuzzle, The
Tickling the bean
Tickling the Elmo
Tickling the (tuna) taco
Tiptoe through the twolips
Toggling the bit
Tossing pink salad
Three point shot
Trolling the Bermuda Triangle
Tugging the vertical smile
Tuning the taco
Twaddling the twat
Two finger taco tango
Undergarment typing
Unwrapping the gift box
Vacuuming the carpet
Virgin's release, The
Walk through the valley of love, A
Washing your fingers
Watering the grass
Wet your whistle
Womanipulation
X-boxing
Yanking the ya-ya


I do like all the playing her xbox ones

Black Swan

pickarooney wrote: »

Anyone know what a euphemism is?

See free dictionary link. Also, the King Had No Clothes tale is full of them!

Jesus Wept

Laslo wrote: »

This could also be translated as:
"She was like a wizard's sleeve, yer one"

Clowns pocket.

Hippo's yawn.

Black Swan

Birthday suit

CreepingDeath

"the contractions are 5 minutes apart and I'm one inch dilated"
I'm in immediate need of a toilet.

"I just had a brown baby boy"
I just defecated.

"Her undercarriage looked like a ripped out fireplace"
She had a large vagina.

"Her face looked like a bulldog licking a nettle"
"She looked like she'd been ram-raiding on a scooter"
She was unattractive.

"Salad dodger"
Fat

olaola

It was like trying to stick a flog into a trocaire box.

nlgbbbblth

'Gardai are not looking for anyone else in connection with his / her death'

Suicide.
Have the balls to say the word suicide.
How can we face up to suicide if nobody will even acknowledge it as a cause of death.

'But the families won't like it'.

F*ck them.

yomchi

As a friendof mine would say of an ugly woman;

"she looks like she was born on fire and put out with hammers"

trellheim

Most of these can be found in the Profanisaurus available at all good bookstores

Robbo

trellheim wrote: »

Most of these can be found in the Profanisaurus available at all good bookstores

Agreed, the profanisaurus should be on the national cirriculum. A knackersack pencil for you.

Rhyme

My favourites.

"Pinch a loaf"
"Lay some cable"
- Do a poo.

Keith186

One from podge and Rodge:

"A sniper wouldn't take her out" = she's bet down.

Sinfonia

CreepingDeath wrote: »

"the contractions are 5 minutes apart and I'm one inch dilated"

lol, definitely gonna use that

olaola wrote: »

It was like trying to stick a flog into a trocaire box.

ha. eww.


Curl one out
Pinch one off
Drop trout (comes from 'drop trou', and the fact that poo kinda looks like a fish)

marcsignal

describing a very ugly woman

Her face caught fire as a child, and her mother put it out with a shovel

Gillie

"I'd eat the balls of a low flying seagull"
I'm hungry

"I'm as sick as a small hospital"
"I have a head on me like a dead badgers hole!"
I have a hangover!

"She has a jockey"
That person has a boyfriend/partner/husband.

Jesus Wept

SumGuy wrote: »

Drop trout (comes from 'drop trou', and the fact that poo kinda looks like a fish)

The word 'fact' just took a serious battering.

Black Swan

"You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince!"

"He was not the sharpest blade in the drawer."

He stood at attention when she walked by.

Peared

Jon wrote: »

As a friendof mine would say of an ugly woman;

"she looks like she was born on fire and put out with hammers"

As a member of the wimmins and as somebody who hates the way men casually disregard any woman who isnt supermodel material I am disgusted to say I have been giggling at this intermittently for the past few hours. V funny.

Pyr0

I just laughed so hard scrolling down the list euphemisms, I didn't even bother reading them it was just too funny knowing people came (no pun intended) up with that amount.

Hahahaha

Jigsaw

**** off = **** off

Schism

The tide wouldn't take her out
very ugly