Sibling not taking responsibility

Unlucky Star

I have had a very bad two years. Basically I lost my Twin brother to Schizophrenia, where he took his own life. At that time I was working in a very lucrative job in Dublin and was getting on very well with my career. I had always been very close with him and always went on holidays with him, took him to Dublin, London, Spain for holidays etc. Due to the bereavement in the family, and with one of my parents suffering from the start of Alzimers, my parents could not cope. I moved home, left my job and had to start afresh nearer home. I am working in the same field now but with limited resources, where basically I moved from a permanent pensionable job to a job that really has no security. However, I am enjoying the challenge of the new job which is no bad thing. I have one older brother, three years older than me, and basically we have no real other family where we live. I got them set up with home help etc, and I started living at home. I have bought a house that is about an hour from them. This will be ready in a few months. The problem is I am single and have been balancing looking after both my parents while trying to start my new "career" here. It has been tough going, moving back home at the age of 33 and having my own independence and freedom since I was Seventeen, my twin worked locally and lived at home. My dilemma, my older brother has three young kids and lives 30 mins from them, when my twin was sick, he never took any interest and always left it for me and my parents to cope when he was going through a bad phase. He had never anything to do with him. He said after he died that he wishes that he has done more etc. Two years later and since I have moved home he rarely visits my parents. It was my brother’s anniversary last month and he phoned a few days before and did not turn up on the anniversary, which I thought was the least he could do. I had it out with him tonight, that the least he could do would be to call at least once a week. He went berserk and said that he has three kids now and a family and he does not have time etc. I remained calm and said you are old enough to know to call and see your parents and with the anniversary they have been particularly down. He ranted and raved that the kids have been sick and he works a lot, that it's not his problem. My parents think he is an angel and that is busy with family life that I don't find acceptable, it was his choice to have kids etc. We all have a life, even if I don't have kids. How do you think I should handle this?

padser

Accept that you have no power to effect how other people behave.

Once you accept this it becomes a lot less stressful.

BostonB

I'm probably bias to your brother as my experience is closer to his. Hard to make a call on this. Sure he should make more of an effort but he probably does has his hands full (I'm guessing his family is very young). Perhaps there are other problems in his family? Regardless of the fairness of it, you have to decide what you are able and willing to do. Only your brother can decide that for himself. You're in a better situation to help out at home than he is. Not fair maybe but thats life. As the kids get older he'll have more time.

Esel

My 5 a.m. opinion (not been drinking!) is that your brother is a sh!t. I bet he'll be around when the will is read. Not much you can do though. Fair play to you for being responsible. Don't expect any thanks.

BostonB

BostonB wrote: »

You're in a better situation to help out at home than he is. Not fair maybe but thats life. As the kids get older he'll have more time.

Having kids is just a pathetic excuse.
He is a selfish ungrateful git.

LegacyUser

Ok, there might be a chance that your brother is using his kids as an excuse to not visit, but maybe he's doing this because he can't handle what's happened? Suicide in the family is a very stressful thing, and everybody's going to react differently, and on top of this you have Alzheimers in the family, also very difficult to cope with. It seems that your brother is burying his head in the sand.
Your best bet is to not confront him by saying 'Why don't you visit?' etc, because as you've already seen that gets his back up. Approach it in a different way, maybe go out for a drink with him some night and ask him how he's doing. Maybe talk about how you feel everything has been difficult for everybody in the family, does he feel the same? Find common ground. He is your brother, you know him far better that anyone else and I'm sure you know deep down that he's not as bad as he's making himself out to be right now

gerTheGreat

Hi OP. I have to say that sadly we need people like you. Our health care system has failed you family. I speak with a little experience in this. My grandmother was very ill for about 2 years before she died September 12 months. My mother used to travel from Dublin to Tipperary every weekend to look for her. (We had carers in with her during the week.) My younger brother, who's in UL would call over too, and I spent my holidays with her. Without us, she wouldn't have lasted the two years and she got to stay at home until 3 days before she passed. which she really wanted.

Like your brother, my uncle did f all. Your brother won't change. You're a saint for what you do and it'll be hard, because Alzheimer's is a loosing battle. You mentioned that you organized additional help. Try to see if you can get more, maybe a night nurse once a week, so you can take some time for yourself.

One thing that i will say for your brother, maybe he just can't deal with it. I doubt that it's a case of him not caring.

I wish you the best of luck, it's going to be hard. But the fact that you are willing to do that for your family, shows that you are a good person. If you ever need to talk about it, you can PM me.

-Ger

BostonB

Moonbaby wrote: »

Having kids is just a pathetic excuse.
He is a selfish ungrateful git.

Thats an inane comment. Most kids, families are time very consuming, especially young kids and even more so when they are sick. Unless of course you leave them to someone else to look after. Unless you've no experience of it, you'd know this. As does the OP parents. Which is why they don't have a problem with it. The reality is the single person with no commitments is going to have more free time in this situation. Thats simply logic. Why does the OP talk of the brothers kids as "his" kids and not as my nieces, nephews. His family is also the OP family. Seems like theres more going on here tbh. He should still do more but I suspect he can't manage his own family. No mention of the brothers wife/partner either which is odd.

Unlucky Star

So what you are basically saying as that I am single I should be left solely to look after both of them with no support from my only sibling? What about my life? Because I don’t have kids, does it mean I do not have other Commitments? I strongly suspect that they are not happy with him not calling, but do not want to say too much. Both my parents looked after both sets of parents when they were rearing us, two of them lived with us. They managed. They had 3 small kids at that time. I refer to them as his kids, as that’s how he sees it, He says he has his own family now, and I ask him are we not part of the family? There is not much more going on, s Boston B says. As to his wife, did not mention her as this is not her parents, it’s his. Of course she sees what is going on, but is it really up to me to start nagging at her? I don’t think so.

BostonB

I'm sure you have commitments every bit as important as sick young kids. Regardless of that, hes made a decision that his sick kids are more important than helping you with your parents. Sounds like you don't see yourself as part as his new family and he doesn't see you as part of his new family either. Thats a bit strange but thats the division that seems to exist here. Thats obviously a problem thats goes far deeper than the current problems. No way of knowing if the past situation is comparable the current one. End of the day hes not willing or able to help and you are. You haven't arrived at this situation over night.

What you asking here is, anyway of forcing your brother to be more involved with your parents. Well there isn't unless you walk out and leave him to it. You're very dismissive of kids tbh, and hes seems to be too absorbed by his own life. Theres a middle ground. But you won't reach a compromise by seeing things in black and white.

echosound

I feel for you. This sort of situation always seems to arise in families. Are you female by any chance? For some reason some people seem to think that a daughter should be the one to pick up the slack and look after the family while the boys don't get the same burden.
Not always the case (my own father looked after his mother in her last years with his brother, while the sister of the family didn't have as much of a part of the caring as the two brothers, for eg) but sometimes this is the way some people tend to think.

OK, 3 young children can be very time consuming, but a few visits now and then isn't going to kill him. Unfortunately, though, there is always some sibling who prefers to leave the responsibility to other siblings.

You can't change this fact no matter how much you'd like to, it'll only lead to feuds and bitterness, eg my mother looks after her mother now as she lives next door to her while the other daughter lives just 3 miles away and only visits on occasion, but only for a social visit, never to help out with the daily cooking of dinner, shopping, bringing the mother to hairdresser/post office/visiting etc. and the son is thousands of miles away and visits once a year.

NO amount of bringing this subject up by my mother with her siblings ever had any effect other than for the siblings to end up rowing with her, and for their mother to try to "calm the waters" which led to resentment on my own mother's behalf as she felt like she was being taken for granted and she was the one who had to work her entire life round her mother while the other two "got off" scott free.

I know it's very unfair to you at the moment, and while you can talk to your brother to try to get him to see your point of view and to help out, chances are it won't change a thing. The only thing you can take comfort in is knowing that you have done a great thing for your parents in their older years, and when the time comes that they are gone, you will have no regrets as to how you treated them or spending time with them etc.

If you are going to raise the issue with your brother, try not to do it by letting fly all your frustration and anger - it will only put him on the defensive. Explain to him all you have sacrificed (moving home away from the life you had built up, giving up good job, no social life etc) and that you need a break from time to time, and suggest that he look after them once a week to give you time to go out and live your life too.

I fully agree with you that whether he had kids or not should not really matter, it's fully possible for someone with children to chip into the care of their own parents. It can and has been done by thousands of people. An uncle of mine simultaneously nursed his mother through altzheimers and his father through a long illness while raising seven children, and until the day both of his parents died, did his utmost to keep his own large family going while tending to his elderly parents with the help of his wife. Stressful and tiring, yes, impossible, no.
My own gran in her younger days took in two young children when their mother died and their father (her BIL) was working in London, to raise alongside her own three children, and also looked after her sick FIL, and even found time to work part-time to earn enough to help with running the household. Children do take up a lot of time and energy, yes, but if you're willing to put the effort in, you can always find a way to look after those that need care.

The problem I see here is that you have always been the one to care for others in the family (so sorry to hear about your twin brother) and your elder brother has probably come to see you as the one who will look after everyone and perhaps it hasn't even dawned on him that he should help out when you're there to help, as it's been your role for the past however many years with your brother and his illness.

Sit him down and tell him how you feel, and how much you have sacrificed, and if he still won't listen, ask him how would he like it if you returned to Dublin and left him to take care of everything? They are his parents too, but unfortunately, as I said before, some people are just more giving of their time and care than others. If you even perhaps said it to him that you are considering a move back to Dublin and list out what he would have to take over from you, he may realise that he has it pretty good the way things are and may realise he should be making more of an effort.

I know it's not your place to tell his wife to chip in too, but really she should be able to see that without having to be told. They are her PIL, and they are part of her family too. Again, another personal experience here - my own PIL were very ill at one stage, when I was in my early 20s before I was even married to my now DH, and I spent overnights with my now MIL in hospital, or offered to look after my BIL's children so he and his wife could spend time with her. Luckily she pulled through, and is still around to enjoy her family. Weren't even "technically" my family yet, but if you have a heart in your body, you try to help out.

I know some people are saying "he has his own life to lead" but you do too, and by all rights you both should be chipping in and helping with the care of your parents.

Unlucky Star

Thanks for advice Echobunny. I am male. I guess I will just have to accept that he does not want to shoulder any of this with me. I will have my own place soon and this should give me back my own space. I am presently commuting nearly 2 hours and I am going to be living 1 hour from them, and i will be an hour from work. Well as they say pride becomes before a fall. Thanks again for all advise. I dote on his kids, I am godfather to one of them, and always make a fuss when they come to visit, and take his kids fishing etc when I do get a break. I just don't understand why he can be such a cold fish. They are great parents and they always were there for him, putting him through college etc, like they did for us all.

lisajane

Can he not bring his kids to see their grandparents? And make time then.

BostonB

BostonB wrote: »

I'm sure you have commitments every bit as important as sick young kids. Regardless of that, hes made a decision that his sick kids are more important than helping you with your parents. Sounds like you don't see yourself as part as his new family and he doesn't see you as part of his new family either. Thats a bit strange but thats the division that seems to exist here. Thats obviously a problem thats goes far deeper than the current problems. No way of knowing if the past situation is comparable the current one. End of the day hes not willing or able to help and you are. You haven't arrived at this situation over night.

What you asking here is, anyway of forcing your brother to be more involved with your parents. Well there isn't unless you walk out and leave him to it. You're very dismissive of kids tbh, and hes seems to be too absorbed by his own life. Theres a middle ground. But you won't reach a compromise by seeing things in black and white.

I feel that your defending an indefensible postion because of your failings/lack of interest as a son. Maybe you have awful parents and they deserve that treatment, but OP's clearly don't.

I really doubt weather someone who treats his parents and siblings like op's brother is capable of being a decent parent.

leeroybrown

There's a pair of you in it. By average 'moral standards' your brother does seem overly disconnected from it all but you do seem to be getting particularly worked up over it.

Unlucky Star

Well I think I have a reason to be particularly worked up over it. I have been as patient as I can given his situation that he has kids. I have made the sacrafices and No I do not expect any thanks just a little help now and then. Is that too much too ask for? Yes it would be simple if he brought the kids to visit but his excuse is that they are a handful, and all i want is him to call at least once a week. My parents love to see the kids. It's not just to give me a break but to give them some company from time to time. I have all the support services in action, which I must say is of excellent benefit.

BostonB

Moonbaby wrote: »

I feel that your defending an indefensible postion because of your failings/lack of interest as a son. Maybe you have awful parents and they deserve that treatment, but OP's clearly don't.

I really doubt weather someone who treats his parents and siblings like op's brother is capable of being a decent parent.

If your going for wild supposition why not go the full nine yards. For example, I doubt someone with such terrible spelling would be loved by their parents, or be able of raising well educated children.

I think in every post, I've said the brother should be doing more. If thats all the poster wants to hear, platitudes, then well done. If the brother is simply a "cold fish" then hes been like that for years. So the OP shouldn't be surprised that hes still like that. Face it you are not going to change someones character overnight like that. But this was all said in the first few posts.

I thought the OP was looking for ways to tackle the problem, not platitudes. Until you find the root cause of the brothers behavior, I don't think any progress will be made.

Platitudes in my posts? No there aren't, you've imagined them.
You really have a massive chip on your shoulder. What is your situation? None of your arguement's so far have given me the slightest bit of empathy for your/BOP's position.


I repeat, as all that focusing on spelling seems to have affected your ability to digest content.
If you haven't it in you to support and care for your loving parents in their time of need, where is the ability to self sacrifice for your children's benefit going to come from.

eroo

Fair play mate.
Your brother is a gimp,unfortunately he doesn't sound like the type who will change.But it is worth trying.Next time you meet up make sure it isn't after a hard days work as you will probably both not be in the best of moods.So sit him down on a day off and just level it out.Tell him how you feel and that you are tired of him not taking responsibility...keep things from getting heated

If he doesn't respond then he simply is a cold,selfish prick..

Ickle Magoo

The only effective method I've found for changing someone else's behaviour is to ask them to change.

Sit your brother down & tell him what you've told us. It's not fair that you have to shoulder all the responsibility of your parents because he has children. It may make it more difficult for him to devote as much time to them as you do - but it's not impossible to still help out. I think the issues are much deeper & you may get further if you word your points without blaming.

Is there any Aunties & Uncles you could talk to?

davyjose

BostonB wrote: »

Thats an inane comment. Most kids, families are time very consuming, especially young kids and even more so when they are sick. Unless of course you leave them to someone else to look after. Unless you've no experience of it, you'd know this.

We only have the evidence of the Billions of others that do it, to go on!!! And as for his kids being sick, unless all three of them have long-term illnesses (in which case the OP has no argument, but he seems clued-in enough not to be splicing facts), then that's Bull because this is clearly an ongoing issue which would have been happening long before his kids got chickenpox or whatever.

Shame on the OP's brother.

BostonB

Moonbaby wrote: »

Platitudes in my posts? No there aren't, you've imagined them.

Then that comment wasn't directed at you.

Moonbaby wrote: »

You really have a massive chip on your shoulder. What is your situation? None of your arguement's so far have given me the slightest bit of empathy for your/BOP's position.

Just as well as I'm not trying to engender empathy. Simply pointing out that the solution (if one exists) is in finding out what up with the brother. Writing him off is as "cold,selfish prick" while gratifying to some, doesn't help the OP. Regardless of the failure of my pyramid harem scheme.

Moonbaby wrote: »

I repeat, as all that focusing on spelling seems to have affected your ability to digest content.
If you haven't it in you to support and care for your loving parents in their time of need, where is the ability to self sacrifice for your children's benefit going to come from.

A person can be apathetic towards (even hate) their sibling (and/or parent) and yet love other people, (their own kids, their partner). History is littered with such relationships.

BostonB

davyjose wrote: »

We only have the evidence of the Billions of others that do it, to go on!!! And as for his kids being sick, unless all three of them have long-term illnesses (in which case the OP has no argument, but he seems clued-in enough not to be splicing facts), then that's Bull because this is clearly an ongoing issue which would have been happening long before his kids got chickenpox or whatever.

Shame on the OP's brother.

In fairness, I've also made that point in the bit you didn't quote, and a few times in my comments.

BostonB wrote: »

....Seems like theres more going on here tbh. He should still do more but I suspect he can't manage his own family. ...

BostonB wrote: »

....Sure he should make more of an effort b...Perhaps there are other problems in his family? ...

BostonB wrote: »

I...obviously a problem thats goes far deeper than the current problems...You haven't arrived at this situation over night...