looking for opinions.

Bananabread

Hi, ok this has bein going over and over in my mind for months and ive still no idea what i should do so im looking for some advice off of you nice people.

Basically, I'm 21 and Ive been with my GF for 2 years. things are pretty good the usual ups and downs but nothing major.

The thing is me and some friends have been thinking alot about going backpacking for 12 to 15 months, it seems a perfect time to do it as i just finished college have a degree and no mortage to worry about and with a small bit of effort could get the money together. We're planning on leaving in june after i finish my contract in work.

We want to go with just the lads, i.e no gf's, which to be honest i'd prefer.

I've been totally honest with my gf about everything, i explained to her that i've been planning on doing this for years and am afraid i won't get another opportunity.

Even if i wasn't planning on going away i couldn't see us staying together for much longer. Its not what i want. I don't want to be in a long term relationship. So rather than making some excuse to break up with her i was honest.

She doesn't want me to go. she thinks im being selfish and leaving her behind and she wants me to stay for her. I think she seen this relationship going alot further than i'd like it to.

Does it make me a *rick and am i just being selfish breaking up with her just so i can go travelling with my mates???

I haven't given her a final decision on what i wanna do yet and i havent booked any flights yet.

I'm really just looking on people opinions on what im doing, to see what people will think of me.

Im clearly feeling guilty, thats prob why im writing this, i really do like my girlfriend but all good things must come to an end right?

prendy

your 21. thats the main point..when you come back you'll be 23.
if its meant to be etc ye'll get back together.
if you stay youl end up resenting her for holding you back.
i say go for it and enjoy yourself...jou only live once;)

star-pants

Hmm... tough call there OP.

You say all good things must come to an end... I don't like to think that myself.
So ending it for the sake of 'sure things come to an end anyway' seems a bit silly to me.

However, you said you don't see this relationship going much further - if you stayed here would you stay with her? or break up?

It's not easy to decide what to do when you're going off travelling for so long, a lot of couples break up for the simple reason they'll be apart for so long it's not gonna be nice to have to wait and be good etc.

I think you should take travelling out of the equation for a minute - do you want to stay with her or not? regardless of going away.

I don't think it's selfish to let someone move on instead of have them waiting for a year - as I said I've heard of a few people do it. Doesn't matter what anyone else thinks - it's what you feel about her and how she feels that matters. She obviously doesn't want to break up - hence her asking you to stay -- but question also is - if you did stay, and stay with her -would you resent her?
You do have opportunity here of travelling - that's agreed.

You need to think about the relationship - not based soley on the fact of travelling away (obviously it does matter but it's not the only factor).

best of luck - hopefully you can come to the right decision for you
x

biko

What prendy said.

trevorku

Im only 24 so my wisdom is probably not up to scratch but it sounds to me like you should go for this opportunity. Its not like your going to be able to do it when your in your 30's, of course there'd be nothing stopping you but you would be less likely to do it.

If you don't want a lt relationship with your girlfriend, just come out and tell her straight that your not in it for the longhaul because she probably thinks shes met her future hubby or something.

I think she doesn't want you to go because she maybe is afraid of the whole stereotype of the 'lads holiday' and is probably afraid you would go astray. If you want to stay with her then reassure her that you don't want anyone but her or something.

If I were in your shoes I would go Backpacking, if shes loves you then she'll be there when you get back. If you don't see her as a future prospect relationship wise its advisable to end the relationship.

I think you know in yourself more or less what you need to do, but don't give the girl false hopes, end it if you don't want her long-term.

Alternatively you could offer to get her to go on a girls holiday or maybe even pay for it, okay maybe its not realistic but my advice is probably not up to scratch anyways. Take care.

Bananabread wrote: »

Hi, ok this has bein going over and over in my mind for months and ive still no idea what i should do so im looking for some advice off of you nice people.

Basically, I'm 21 and Ive been with my GF for 2 years. things are pretty good the usual ups and downs but nothing major.

The thing is me and some friends have been thinking alot about going backpacking for 12 to 15 months, it seems a perfect time to do it as i just finished college have a degree and no mortage to worry about and with a small bit of effort could get the money together. We're planning on leaving in june after i finish my contract in work.

We want to go with just the lads, i.e no gf's, which to be honest i'd prefer.

I've been totally honest with my gf about everything, i explained to her that i've been planning on doing this for years and am afraid i won't get another opportunity.

Even if i wasn't planning on going away i couldn't see us staying together for much longer. Its not what i want. I don't want to be in a long term relationship. So rather than making some excuse to break up with her i was honest.

She doesn't want me to go. she thinks im being selfish and leaving her behind and she wants me to stay for her. I think she seen this relationship going alot further than i'd like it to.

Does it make me a *rick and am i just being selfish breaking up with her just so i can go travelling with my mates???

I haven't given her a final decision on what i wanna do yet and i havent booked any flights yet.

I'm really just looking on people opinions on what im doing, to see what people will think of me.

Im clearly feeling guilty, thats prob why im writing this, i really do like my girlfriend but all good things must come to an end right?

Electric

I think you've really answered this question for yourself. You say that you really like your girlfriend, but I think if you loved your girlfriend then you wouldn't be thinking of going backpacking.

I know you say that the backpacking isn't the reason that the relationship has run it's course but I have to say that it sounds like backpacking couldn't have come at a better time for you.

It doesn't sound like you want to be with your girlfriend and you're procrastinating on the whole issue....you say you haven't given her a definite answer, well it sounds like you want to go backpacking but don't want to have it say it or have to make that decision. It sounds like you want it made for you.

So make your decision and stop dragging things out for your girlfriend!

Seraphina

dump her and go backpacking man

you dont sound that into the relationship, you're only 21, obviously not in it for the long haul. she'll just resent you and probably moan and cry and **** when you call (which she will undoubtedly insist you do). you're not being selfish, she's being selfish asking you to stay imo. its your life, why should you hang around and not do things you want to for her? **** that ****!

now is the time to be living life for you and you only, you've got years ahead of you with mortgages and maybe kids and a wife when you wont be able to just think about what *you* want to do. its important to get away and do these kinda things by yourself.

there's plenty more fish in the sea, why stay tied to a relationship at your age? i've been in relationships on and off pretty much all the time since i was 16 (now 23) and tbh i kinda regret it. i'm now enjoying singledom to the full, moved to another country for college and i intend on doing plenty of travelling after this. get your priorities right man.

galactus

I think you've answered your own question but are feeling a bit guilty over your decision...which shows you aren't an unfeeling p***k!

Go for it and let her down as gently as possible. You've been honest with her and if she can't handle it well, love is a battlefield...

McGinty

Hi Op

As someone a lot older who got tied down at 21 until 28 and then had a child/divorce/etc and only now having some freedom I personally would say to you go, go, go. You will regret it if you don't take this opportunity, yes you are being selfish but here is a little secret, it is good to be selfish, if you don't please yourself who else is going to? If you live your life according to what others want, then what is left for you? Who is going to have your interests at heart? The answer is no one and to be honest why should they, they are only interested in what they want and they too are being selfish, I guess that is why compromise can be a good thing.

It sounds like you really want to travel and it is something you have wanted for a long time, if you give that up how will you feel? How will you feel when your mates come back with their stories of the travel? If you and your girlfriend are meant for each other then you both could get back together when you come back. Also your girlfriend is too young to settle down and eventually she will regret it too.

i really do like my girlfriend but all good things must come to an end right?

They don't have to but they do change. Having said that you have to please yourself, it doesn't matter what others think of you, including us lot here, it matters what you think, it is your life and it belongs to you and only you can live it and accept your decisions. Choose the right one for you but do not expect others to like it, I have just thought this, maybe you are hoping that you go away and everyone will pat you on the back and say I completely understand, that may or may not happen.

How Strange

To say all good things must come to and end is a bit weird but in your case it certainly seems to be true. You want your freedom and who could blame you.

You're only 21 so definitely go travelling. It seems you and your gf want different things right now so all seems pretty inevitable.

You have nothing to feel guilty about - your relationship has run its course. It happens.

Enjoy Oz

LegacyUser

hey OP
i definately think you should go travelling if thats what u want. If you are in love, ur girlfriend will understand, maybe ye could arrange for her to come meet up with ye for a 2 week holiday or something if ye decided to stay together,
a few yrs ago i made that very tough decision to go travelling, i left my bf at home and off i went, we stayed together while i was gone and we talked every day, da time difference was the hardest to work around,especially with work..oh ya an da extra expense of phone calls, think we both spent bout 100euro each a week on calls. it was tough but we stuck through it, n we had lots of phone sex!!!
it was kinda hard to coming home and getting used of being around each other again, but a couple of weeks everything feel back into place.. we now live together and are planning on heading off travelling together..
i hope it all works out for you.. talk to your gf if u really love each other ye will wait for each other.

squishywishy

Hi OP,
Im a similar age to you and my boyf has been talking about traveling once he finishes college too and i honestly think you should pack your bags and go.

I know that if my boyf goes ill miss him big time but i want the best for him amd if he wants to travel i wont hold him back. i love him to bits and if we're meant to be we'll pick up where we left off when he gets back.

21 is so young and we have all our lives ahead of us to worry about doing the "right" thing. right now we have the luxury of doing what we like and now having to worry so id say book the ticket and go. If your gf stands in your way then she doesnt love you , if she did she'd be helping you pack and insisting you call her to tell her what its like!!!

what im really trying to say is....do what you want not what you think you should do.....you'll have all of your life to regret not doing what you wanted when you had the chance!!

Enjoy the trip!!!

The Sweeper

Go travelling.

You are not being a prick by dumping her to go travelling with your mates. You're just being honest. Honesty can hurt at times, but you'd be worse if you stuck with her when you didn't want to, or you strung her along and went travelling and tried the delights of other countries (not talking about dogonnastick here) without her knowing.

l3LoWnA

Bananabread wrote: »

Even if i wasn't planning on going away i couldn't see us staying together for much longer. Its not what i want. I don't want to be in a long term relationship. So rather than making some excuse to break up with her i was honest.

Bananabread wrote: »

She doesn't want me to go. she thinks im being selfish and leaving her behind and she wants me to stay for her. I think she seen this relationship going alot further than i'd like it to.

You say you've been completely honest with her?! I don't agree from reading the above. You don't want to be IN a long term relationship, and she does - it's not even ABOUT you going off travelling. I think, if you wanted to be completely honest, you should finish it now!!! You're not in it for the same reasons as she is. It's unfair to keep her hanging in there until you are ready to go off on your travels. You need to finish it for the REAL reasons, you're not ready to commit. And that is not wrong of you, you are young and have your whole young life ahead of you!! It's not REALLY about the travels, because in all fairness, you are going aren't you?!? Truthfully!!!

Bananabread wrote: »

Does it make me a *rick and am i just being selfish breaking up with her just so i can go travelling with my mates???

I honestly think you're doing the right thing going travelling while you're young and still can!!! (Believe me, I missed out and I'd advise anyone who still can to do it!!!) But are you breaking up with her JUST so you can go travelling or are you breaking up with her because you don't really WANT to be in the relationship any more?! If it's the latter, don't hang onto her for the next 8 months or so just because it's easier for you if you do it that way! Let her know what's on your mind. Let her know you want to go travelling and you want to go travelling as a single young man! Be honest with her. She's young too and will get over it! You can plan and look forward to your travels with a clear concience then, and she can start planning to move on too, instead of making her think that maybe there's still a chance for ye, even though you're going away!! Am I making any sense?!

Bananabread wrote: »

i really do like my girlfriend but all good things must come to an end right?

Just because you like someone or are afraid to hurt them isn't enough to change your life plans! I know you probably don't want to hurt her feelings and it's probably easier to do nothing for now, but at the end of the day, are you being really true to her by staying in the relationship in the first place when you believe the following.....

Bananabread wrote: »

she seen this relationship going alot further than i'd like it to

Jut my tuppence worth! Hope to Help! Best of luck!!

muboop1

Bananabread wrote: »

i've been planning on doing this for years and am afraid i won't get another opportunity.

Even if i wasn't planning on going away i couldn't see us staying together for much longer. Its not what i want. I don't want to be in a long term relationship. So rather than making some excuse to break up with her i was honest.

i really do like my girlfriend but all good things must come to an end right?

these 3 lines are the ones i find most significant in what you are saying...
youve been planning for years, so why should you hold back? we make compromises etc... but dude if its ment to be... it will happen in future...

you done seem sure u want to be with her from the second line i picked out...

and the third... why should good things end?

ian_m

Bananabread wrote: »

Even if i wasn't planning on going away i couldn't see us staying together for much longer. Its not what i want. I don't want to be in a long term relationship. So rather than making some excuse to break up with her i was honest.

The earlier you are honest the better it is for you and your girlfriend. Just go and live your life.

I went backpacking and it was one of the most enjoyable years of my life. It will be a new beginning. Your girlfriend will be fine.

SarahSassy

Bananabread wrote: »

Even if i wasn't planning on going away i couldn't see us staying together for much longer. Its not what i want. I don't want to be in a long term relationship. So rather than making some excuse to break up with her i was honest.

So why are you still with her???? You should be feeling guilty about stringing her along and lying to her in order to breakup with her... Whats wrong with you? You dont want to be with her but you are stringing her along until its time for you to head off with the lads.

Selfish???? YES!!!!!!!! But not because you are going travelling.

AngryBadger

It seems to me that you're not into this relationship as much as she is, and I think that's the short and long of it.

If you've told her this, that you're not interested in the relationship long-term, and she's trying to make you stay regardless by telling you you're being selfish and such, well that is actually her being selfish.

It's never pleasant to have to break up with someone, but that's your only option at this point. And if she can't deal with the fact that you want to do things now which you may not have a chance to do later on then she's the one being selfish.

dlambirl

I definitely think that you should go travelling. Your girlfriend is wrong to want you to stay just for her, thats not fair if its a thing you've wanted to do for years, maybe even before you met her.

Travelling with a group of friends is a once in a life time opportunity and its something that you might not be able to do in a couple of years with family and work committments as you and all your friends get older.

I say go, if its meant to be with you and your girlfriend you's will get together when you come back and you'll not resent her for stopping you going on a once in a lifetime opportunity. If you dont go, and you stay with her - you'll regret it and resent her forever.

milli

Pretty much what everyone else has said - you'll be kicking yourself if you don't go. Plus I think it's unfair of your gf to expect you to stay behind, especially since this is something you've been planning since before you started going out.

Either way it doesn't sound like the right relationship for you.

Bananabread

Ok Thanks for the posts guys much appreciated.

I guess ill have to make a decision sooner rather than later.

Thanks for all your help.

SarahSassy

Bananabread wrote: »

I guess ill have to make a decision sooner rather than later.

I presume about dumping her sooner rather than later as well as going travelling??????

davmi

Think ahead to next July, would you rather be travelling the world with the lads missing her, or stuck at home with her missing the lads.....

*Page*

Go traveling,

If she really loved you she'd bite her lip and let you go, break up for the time because it is unfair to put that strain on a relationship, keep in touch, letters are the best,

Then when you get back asess the situation...

rubyred

Electric wrote: »

I think you've really answered this question for yourself. You say that you really like your girlfriend, but I think if you loved your girlfriend then you wouldn't be thinking of going backpacking.

Thats not true at all. I meet my bf when I was 21 and he was 22. I knew all along that he planned to go travelling before settling down. He most definitely loved me and I was mad about him. He decided to go for a year, and I let him go. We stayed in contact but not as bf and gf. He came back a year later and we are now together for 4 years with a house etc.

If you truly love someone and travelling for a year is important to them, then you should let them go. If you hold them back, they will only end up resenting you - especially as the OP doesn't seem that keen to stay with her anyways.

Chinafoot

I agree with the previous posters who said you're not selfish for wanting to go travelling but you're being selfish by staying with this girl when you're not into the relationship.

Are you planning to stay with her until you leave in June?

My advice would be to end the relationship now and let her move on too.