Should I be in love with him by now??

Anono2007

Just looking for a few opinions please. Am going out with my boyfriend for 5 months now and he is one of the nicest sweetest guys I have ever met. He treats me so well and is always trying to make me happy. The thing is I know he would like to marry me and has said so and hints at getting engaged next year. The problem I have is that although I do have feelings for him and love him I'm not sure if I'm 'in love' with him... should I be excited to see him and miss him etc (I dont)?? I've been in love before and it felt completely different but I was a lot younger then.. I'm nearly 32 so maybe I'm settling because of my age. I'm just so confused.. I'd love to be madly in love with him cos he is the perfect boyfriend... will I ever feel that 'in love' feeling if I dont feel it by now??

Evil Phil

Anono2007 wrote: »

I'd love to be madly in love with him ...

I think you have your answer right there.

Perhaps you should be asking yourself what do you want in your life? And be selfish, its the only life you'll have*.



*Dalai Lama may disagree.

How Strange

I'd say if he is talking engagement and marriage after 5 months :eek: then you may be under alot of pressure to feel more than you do. You are obviously not ready for marriage judging by the tone of this post. And if that is the case it would only make you feel more detached.

What's 5 months in the grand scheme of things? It's nothing. You are still getting to know each other. I remember feeling the same about my bf, never missed him and didn't feel 'in love' and then one day it just hit me. I was away and I realised I missed him so much.

We all do things at our own speed, there is no recipe or right way to do things. I'd say the bf might want to relax on the life changing plans a bit and just enjoy the relationship for what it is. Maybe when he does this you might start to relax abit too.

star-pants

I don't have a lot of experience to give good advice.

But just that you're asking 'should you be in love by now' -- there's no time limit to falling in love, some people fall within days/weeks, others can take months or years - all depends.
I wouldn't rush the engagement/marriage bit as you don't seem very certain about him.
You do love him - but you're not sure if you are IN love.
Personally I would always get excited when I'm about to see someone I'm with - or miss them when they're not there. But not everyone feels that way. Some people like the gaps.

Just a thought - maybe have a think - how you'd feel if ye broke up (dont do it!) just imagine it in your head - would you be sad? to never see him again etc.. (obviously you would but I mean heartbreakingly upset)
OR if you feel that strongly confused - perhaps spend a few days away from him - go visit some friends for the weekend...see how you feel.

No one can tell you when you should/shouldn't be in love... it's something you feel for yourself. I do hope you can get the headspace to figure it out pet.

x

dudara

As you said yourself, you do know what love is.

Even at the start of a relationship, before you might say those 3 little words, you do have all the excitement, tension and romance. Did you feel those?

biko

There's a difference in the feelings you have when you're young and when you are older.
When you're a teen feelings are so intense but as you get older/wiser you tend to over think things. Just go with it but hold off on the marriage stuff. Tell him it's too soon to be thinking about that stuff for another year at least.

*And by "you" I mean "me"

Anono2007

Romance yes, cos he's very romantic but I've never felt that excitement or tension with him. I guess maybe it was because from the start he was quite full on and kept saying how lucky he was to be with me and that he really liked me... Maybe I need the chase..
Saying that I've been mad about complete b*stards and it all ended in tears.. which is why I would LOVE to feel those 'in love' feelings with him. I know he'd never hurt me or cheat or anything...
As for breaking up with him, no I wouldnt be devastated. I probably would miss him but I certainly wouldnt be crying myself to sleep. I have fallen in love before very quickly - as in within a month or 2 and I was expecting that to happen again... I do feel pressure to feel strongly because of the engagement suggestion too... plus if someone new came into my life that would hurt him 10 times more... I'm so confused...

biko

Anono2007 wrote: »

Saying that I've been mad about complete b*stards and it all ended in tears.

Story of most females' lives it seems.
When you have the chance to be happy with a nice guy you leave him and go after some cnut that will cheat and drink too much. And then you have the audacity to sit and complain about how you never meet any nice guys.

Wimmins :rolleyes::D

*By "you" I mean my female friends

McGinty

Do you like him? Does he make you laugh? Do you both have fun together? If you are intimate, is it enjoyable and lovely? If yes to all of those then personally let the 'in love' take care of itself, if it ever happens. I often wonder when we (us wimmins) fall for the bastard type with all that crazy rampant energy running around, is it love or some form of frickin madness. If I were to meet a guy with all of the above and he is happy to settle down then I would be happy with that, I wonder if the whole 'falling in love stuff' is a big myth or even healthy.

However if he is boring, has no sense of humour, or is serious, clingy and manipulative then fair enough, head for the hills. Also I do wonder that five months is a bit quick for the whole suggesting marriage thing, you really need to know a person before committing on that level.

How Strange

I agree with McGinty that we ladies are divils for the b*stards. The excitement, the thrill, etc etc and then the heartache. And the thing is we never learn no matter how much we go through it. We love to be chased. :rolleyes:

So your guy isn't like that. I think thats ok but it does take a bit of a mindset change from you to see that just because he is a nice guy doesn't mean boring. Sure if he was a b*stard you wouldn't still be dating after 5 months or if you were your nerves would be shot!

There are such things as slow burners. Not all romances are love at first sight. Some can take a few months to take off. Give it time if you want to. But if you have a gut feeling about this (and that is why you are posting here) then trust it.

I can understand if you are overwhelmed by his adoration of you and the mention of marriage at such an early stage but underwhelmed by his niceness. Really he needs to take a step back and STOP talking about marriage as you clearly aren't ready for that yet.

I'd say the complete opposite.
5 months is too long to spend with someone you have no physical chemistry with. I don't chemistry has anything to do with "The Chase"...I think it clever hormones plain and simple.
I just can't see a relationship working in the long term without it.

SarahSassy

Anono2007 wrote: »

Saying that I've been mad about complete b*stards and it all ended in tears.. which is why I would LOVE to feel those 'in love' feelings with him.

Its most likely you were infatuated with these guys and infatuation is more passionate and stimulating than long term love, however, it seldom lasts. Looks like you are one of these girls who liked to be treated badly but this is a cycle you need to break as it wont do you any good long term...

Tell him you are not ready to talk engagement and just spend the time getting to know him.

Sounds like he is acting like you in your previous relationships i.e. jumping the gun, picturing the future - its a taste of your own medicine and you are not liking it...

Which would you prefer to be - the chaser or the chased??? He deserves a chance and you deserve to be with someone who wants and loves you.... Your choice...

l3LoWnA

Anono,

I know exactly what you are going through. I had a boyfriend a few months ago (we were together about 4 months altogether) and I dumped him!

He did absolutely nothing wrong, the opposite in fact, he did everything right, he was perfect boyfrien material and treated me like a queen.

But!!

He was just SOOOO into me that I felt suffocated. He was on about buildinga house together etc. I wanted to feel excited when I heard a text coming through to my phone, but I didn't. Sometimes I even forgot to read the messages. While I was watching friends, also embarking on new love, jumping the second their phone tinkled, I realised, I didn't lust after this guy once nevermind fall in love with him. I NEVER "tingled" at the thoughts of him, missed him or wondered what was going to happen next. It just wasn't there. he was very deeply in love with me (or thought) so my opinion was, I would have been selfish NOT to let him go.

The day I started texting an ex and was HANGING by the phone to hear his replies etc., I knew it truly was time to finish it, as it was unfair on my boyfriend, thinking he had this wonderful relationship when we were worlds apart really.

I finished it and it broke his heart (I'm not being big-headed about this, it's just the truth, it's probably the first heart I've broken as it's always been me having my heart torn to shreds by b*stards!!!)

I'm single since, and beginning to look forward and I'm definately much much happier!!!

Except I contacted him last weekend to just touch in and ask how he was and he replied with a long message (with violins in the background I'm sure) saying how there'd been a death in the family and his gran was in hospital etc etc but he was "alright" anyways "how are you?" *eek*

Anyways, just saying I've been there and I've opted out! There was no spark (for him, yes, for me, no) and I've been in love before (actually 3 times in my 26 years, and each time there were sparks flying, massive lust going on and fireworks coming out of our ears the very first time we met, and it only got stronger from there - so I do believe there must be some sort of a connection from the start!)

If you want to end it, sooner is better than later as the longer you stay with him, the deeper he's falling for you and the harder it will be on both of you in the end!

All that said, I'm shocked to hear (above) that some people would stay with a guy for years before they're actually in love! I don't really "get" that! Why not be single and in love with yourself and with life rather than humouring some guy for years, hoping to fall in love with him one day!?

And if I end up single forever because I'm looking for sparks, lust and infatuation along with respect, love and trust, well so be it!!!!! There NEEDS to be a bit of infatuation at the start of every relationship (well in my life there does, and whether I end up a lonely old spinster because I wanted the works and the works just don't exist or I end up happily married to a wonderful man who truly floats my boat I don't really mind now, for the moment I'm single and happy....and I'm not staying with a guy because he's safe and he loves me and is good to me, I need to fancy the pants off him aswell)

CathyMoran

Slow burners are the best because you really know that you truely love the person. I would give it a few more months - I know that nasty men are exciting but they do not hug you at night when you have had a really horrible day. I fancied my husband the moment I saw him but it took me years to fully feel how crazy I am about him - as it is, it is the strongest feeling that I have ever had in my life, I adore him but it took an awful long time to feel that way, probably because he is so nice.

l3LoWnA

CathyMoran wrote: »

I fancied my husband the moment I saw him but it took me years to fully feel how crazy I am about him - as it is, it is the strongest feeling that I have ever had in my life, I adore him but it took an awful long time to feel that way, probably because he is so nice.

But you DID fancy him from the moment you saw him - so you had lust from the start, in a way....and it grew into a much stronger "love"!! It's a lovely story, and I hope some day we can all what you and hubby have.

Maybe OP does fancy the pants off her guy, I don't know, I suppose I was only giving my point of view and my story I'll never again settle for a guy I don't:-

a) Fancy the pants of

b) Want badly

c) Want in my future.

And I still stand by my opinion that there needs to be at least some excitement at the beginning of the relationship!

Cathy, you say a b*stard won't hug you in the evenings. From my experience, the truly bad b*astards are the ones, that would indeed hug you of an evening if you've had a bad day, will always say and do the right thing, will promise you the sun moon and stars and seem to be all you could have dreamt of, are always there for you (at the start), are caring and loving, romantic and tender yet strong and dominant all the same........until you fall head over heels in love with them and then you find out one day that they've been indeed, a b*stard all along :rolleyes:

Men! Who'd have 'em!

OP - hope you can make your mind up about it all! maybe you should try and have a talk with him. I tried that with ex but it didn't work, he'd back off for a few days and then we'd be back to square one again!

Hells_Belle

Marriage is a long-term proposition, you know, so you need to look at it from a long term perspective. Is this someone you can see yourself being happily content to be spending your old age with? Do you have similar goals and dreams for your lives?

For what it's worth, I don't really miss my husband when he's gone for, oh, two weeks or so. More than that and I get twitchy. I lived on my own for more than 10 years before we moved in together. I'm 35 and perfectly capable of entertaining myself. But I do get excited to see him when he comes home

daiixi

Sure you look back and you had all these butterflies and spasms and "OH MY GOD'S" with your ex boyfriends and where are they now? Oh yeah.. they're exes... Just because this is different doesn't mean it's not right. Give it time, tell him to chill out and just relax. Maybe it's forever, maybe it's not. As long as it's fun for now who cares?

LegacyUser

Women love a challlenge. They don't want pushovers, they want real men. Real men are confident in themselves, know what they want and are not always in their girlfriends face hanging on like a leech...Real men are sufficient by themselves and their girlfriends know they are...and that is why they want them even more.

simu

Anono2007 wrote: »

Romance yes, cos he's very romantic but I've never felt that excitement or tension with him. I guess maybe it was because from the start he was quite full on and kept saying how lucky he was to be with me and that he really liked me... Maybe I need the chase..
Saying that I've been mad about complete b*stards and it all ended in tears.. which is why I would LOVE to feel those 'in love' feelings with him. I know he'd never hurt me or cheat or anything...
As for breaking up with him, no I wouldnt be devastated. I probably would miss him but I certainly wouldnt be crying myself to sleep. I have fallen in love before very quickly - as in within a month or 2 and I was expecting that to happen again... I do feel pressure to feel strongly because of the engagement suggestion too... plus if someone new came into my life that would hurt him 10 times more... I'm so confused...

It's not always a case of boring nice guy v. bastard. It sounds like you're selling yourself short and that you pity your current bf and are afraid of hurting his feelings by being honest about how you feel. You say you "probably would miss him"? That's not exactly passionate, is it?

I'd say break up with him before someone new does come into your life - it sounds like it's only a matter of time.

Ickle Magoo

It depends on so many factors that I couldn't say if you will ever love this guy or not...

How often do you see each other? Do you find him sexually attractive? Can you see a future with him?

Sometimes I've fallen in love in a second, other times it's taken much longer but always there is an undercurrents of lust, mutual appreciation & a wish that the relationship would get more serious.

The talk about marriage would completely freak me out - I'm one of those "the more someone goes on about something, the more I dig my heels in not to do it" kind of a person, maybe his over-enthusiasm is putting you off, or at the very least not allowing you the time to imagine & look forward to taking your relationship to the next level.

Maybe have a chat with him & ask him to back off a bit with the serious stuff & just have fun with each other, you might fall in love once the pressure is off?

eroo

''which is why I would LOVE to feel those 'in love' feelings with him''

They are either there or they are not...sorry..

You are only together 5 months...take it easy...

Anono2007

Hi there, just a bit of an update. I decided to give things a break and told him that I wanted to be alone. I feel very sad that I've hurt him but I do need that 'spark' no matter what. thanks all for your opinions.This forum is so good cos you can discuss things and get objective opinions anonomously without friends or family having to know whats on your mind. Thanks again guys.

Anono2007

Please tell me if I'm being selfish!?! I called it a day with this guy last weekend because of the above issues and now I've seen that this guy is back on the website where I met him (yes we met online). I feel physically sick! The thought of him meeting someone else is turning my stomach... I know that sounds selfish but maybe I have actually more feelings for him than I thought and the pressure of the whole situation was putting me off.. oh sh*te!!

spinandscribble

then why were YOU back on the dating site?you only want him now that he's getting over you. leave him alone

l3LoWnA

Don't get back with him just because you are a little jealous at the thoughts of him with someone else.

Do you genuinely have more feelings for him than you thought? Or is it just that you are missing the attention he used to give you and thinking someone else may soon be getting that attention? Is it HIM you care for more, or is it yourself you're thinking about?

My ex, luckily for me but not for him, is STILL texting/ringing me and I know, he holds some sort of hope of us getting back together. I know I probably would have been jealous and p*ssed off if he'd gotten over me and moved on very quickly, but you need to just deal with those feelings and move on - you can't have your cake and eat it!

Give it a few weeks, I bet you'll be over all those feelings of jealousy. I would say stop looking at the dating site where you met ex - Get out there and meet your Mr. Perfect - He won't come knocking on your door!!!

padser

Anon,

I don't think you are being selfish but I do wonder if breaking up with him was the best idea, considering that you were not actually having any problems, except he was maybe moving a little fast for you.

Maybe at the age of 32 (I assume he is of similar age) he was moving quickly because he realised he wasn't getting any younger.

On a side issue, fair play to him for getting back up on the bike so quickly!

Bethany

Maybe you need to ask yourself do you want to spend the rest of your life with this guy. I personally wouldn't worry too much about the in love bit. Do you miss him, enjoy his company, worry about him, think of him with concern, hate to hurt him? One can fall in love with people and decide not to marry them and one can marry someone one loves but is not in love with , very successfully. No matter how much in love you are, you hope to end up loving someone .....but if this guy is just a lovely man who loves you whom you love/like in a kinda friendly way well then he is not for you.

you need to evaluate whether you apreciated what you had when you had it