Hopefully I can get some help here..

LegacyUser

Hi there,

I don't really know how to start this other than just tell it like it is.
These are not major problems like the other proplems on here but I just feel
like I need to get some advice on these things going on in my life at the
moment and get them off my chest..

Item 1) In college have lots of work to do just can't get myself to
do anything, last year in college I did well and I put it down to have been
in a bad mood most of last year due to people who I was living with, I
seem to preform better acdemically when fustrated/angry. All I have now is
melancholy and just kind of felling sorry for myself I know I probably just
need a good kick up the...or something in that line to get myself to buck up..

Item 2) My Dad who walked out when I was at a stage where having a dad was
really important to me and have since got along with but nearly two years ago
at this stage we stopped all contact as I found out I could not trust his word.
Today he has arranged to contact me kind of out of the blue..
(I did agree to talk when asked)

In the interveing years that we haven't been talking there have been some major
developments within the family and he knows he has missed out on the good developments
and found out about the bad from people outside the family..

I really don't know weather I should entertain his overtures of 'friendship' for the want
of a better word as I know he just wants to find out all the news as I was usually the
one who gave him some time to as I wanted to be able to have a dad if you know what
I mean (Its was/is difficult to be the man of the house without having some sort of good
example to refer to)
Maybe thats part of where I get my sometimes stupid angryiness and
stubborness from..

Item 3) Living with a girl in college, I can't get her out of my head, we get on great, she brightens up every day , great sense of humour, fantastic personality (only one of a few people I can be myself around) looks great on off days (stunner going out ), no bad habits (that I know about anyway..)

She seems like the kind of girl you could have a really long term relationship with..
I want to be more than just friends because she is so damn special but here are the reasons why I can't make a move and if I did try to make a move it would
end in tears...

a) last time I tried that I lost a childhood friend who I really fancied and
because I complete a pigs ear of it.. haven't spoken to her since

(no skills in this area.. explained on further..)

b) It would make things so awfully awkard should she say no and should she bring some
other fella back I more than likley end up cycling through torrents of
rage and fits of crying ect.. [yes, I do like her that much]..

c) She is leaving on work placement in '08 to the other side of the world basicly and this
is my final year in College (as it stands at the moment anyway) so should I try and it
works out, it would be unbearable to let her go, but it would not be my place to hold her back from what she wants to do.

Whatever happens I'm going to miss her like f.. (for the want of a better word..)

I think she likes me as we get on like a house on fire, I always have had time for her, I encourage her in what she is doing, Im someone she can turn to if she needs help,
I made a fuss of her for her birthday (as she did for mine) [have a card here for her as I couldn't get one in time],we have some things in common and have similar tastes..

Item 4) As for me I'm an average looking lad, Im not fug ugly nor am I 'hot' just average..
I don't have confidence with girls so much as I never have the balls to try out
chat up lines ect.. I don't ooze sofisicated or calm/cocky confidence which seems
to be a magic ingredient to 'pulling'. Having grown up with sisters & when I was small playing with girls that lived nearby but not in later years..

(and not having any brothers or dad to tell me how to deal with this sort of situation dosen't help)

I treat women with respect maybe too much (in context of going out) (I don't want to offend anyone) to the extent that it causes me to be shy or go all Fr. Dougal looking around clueless as to what to do when a girl seems to make overtures to come on down to the dancefloor... Don't know how to react to a girls who is 'naughty' ...
(only started going out properly when I was 18 or thereabouts, lived in the middle of nowhere never really got to get to know girls in secondary so don't really have a clue and my debs was something I want to forget)

I fear being mr. nice and apparently nice guys finish last..especially old fashined 'romantic types' like myself, girls my age seem to just want short term fun not anything long term and deep...
Another stumbling block I have is that I can just get a little nervous and just run dry on conversation...:(

I want to be with her or even at least someone like her to spend time with and have to wake up to, make life more fulfilling.. being single is ok as I have a good deal of friends, but sometimes I just need someone who is more than a friend someone like her to share special time with..

Sorry that was so long I just need to get this stuff off my chest..

sobriquet

First point, college work. In my experience, any block to being productive is caused by friction, something that makes you stick to one train of thought or bit of work. Find and remove the friction. No idea what that'll be for you, but simply being lazy about your work for no obvious reason is a broad problem.

Second point, your formerly absent father. He wants to maintain a relationship with you, but you are an adult and get to choose who you want to have a relationship with, and the terms on which you have it. Outside of that I've no experience of your situation so can't really advise. Perhaps seeing a counsellor through your college might help? Clear your thinking on the subject, you're obviously conflicted.

Third point, teh wimminz:

abitofamess wrote: »

I don't have confidence... treat women with respect maybe too much... shy... Fr. Dougal looking around clueless... Don't know how to react to a girls... get a little nervous and just run dry on conversation... unbearable to let her go... fits of crying...

abitofamess wrote: »

I fear being mr. nice and apparently nice guys finish last..especially old fashined 'romantic types' like myself

Free clue: you're not romantic. See previous quote. If that's romance no wonder Mna na hEireann are exasperated with us menfolk. First, plenty of blokes like myself who had ever present brothers and a father can tell - it's not much of a win, truth is there's not a lot they or anyone can tell who about how to deal with situations. They, like your friends, are best able to tell you when you are or aren't treating yourself or others with respect and to cop on. Aside from that, the only teacher is experience.

Ok, so you like this girl. Possible outcomes: you give in to your romantic and/or awkward inclinations and do nothing, becoming increasingly infatuated. One inevitable night you discover she's seeing some bloke and you're crushed. You quietly maintain the crush, a shoulder to cry on when she splits up with the bloke(s); or you throw a hissy fit.

Alternate outcome: you man up and do something about it, lay your cards on the table, leave her under no doubt that you want to go on a date. You face rejection, but are willing to deal with it. If she rejects you, you can move out. Explain that you feel rather awkward and that you'd like to remain friends but it'd be better for you. The confidence you want has nothing to do with chat up lines or pulling - it's this, the ability to take ownership of the situation, commit to doing something and living with the result whatever it may be.

One thing I'll make a point of stating: the level of infatuation you seem to have developed doesn't sound healthy at all. Words like 'unbearable' and the general tone you have spells out neediness and, eh, overbearingness. It's not attractive. Tone it back. If you do decide to take the ask-her-out route and she says yes, be measured in it, no grand gestures or declarations.

ali.c

sobriquet wrote: »

The confidence you want has nothing to do with chat up lines or pulling - it's this, the ability to take ownership of the situation, commit to doing something and living with the result whatever it may be.

As a women i have to say that type of confidence is quite attractive in a bloke.

sobriquet wrote: »

One thing I'll make a point of stating: the level of infatuation you seem to have developed doesn't sound healthy at all. Words like 'unbearable' and the general tone you have spells out neediness and, eh, overbearingness. It's not attractive. Tone it back. If you do decide to take the ask-her-out route and she says yes, be measured in it, no grand gestures or declarations.

Yeah it does sound like you are being very needy even desperate. Prehaps you have thought about the situation far too much and built it up into something its not. As Sobriquet said its not exactly attractive.

On the father issue, well IMHO just go with your gut feeling on it. If you dont feel ready for contact with him or its messing with your head to much at the minute just be assertive and let him know that now is not the right time for *you* to rekindle a relationship with him. Its okay if you have mixed feelings about it, though you did miss having a father figure around when you were growing up, sometimes the ideal that we missed out on and the reality are two different things. But the point i am trying to make is if you feel your not ready tell him and dont feel bad about it, you dont owe him anything if that makes sense.

Good Luck with it!!

LegacyUser

Thank you sobriquet & ali.c for the advice you both told it like it was and thank you for that

As regards study I got my arse into gear sort of today, got to the library
and got something done, not a lot but its a start..

I sent a text to my dad that it was ok to ring today, so far no response.. :?: :cofused:
I think I will ring him tomorrow evening if he doesn't ring first..

Ya reading back on what I posted last night, I really did sound bad, I wasn't feeling
good at the time (I suppose needy & desprate does sum it up ) so maybe I should have
waited until I was in some better form like now as Im not down and all in the world
seems to be okay again..

Thinking about it, I did seem to have built it up to be something it is not. Again maybe I
should have really thought about what I was really saying..

Friends had called asking did I want to go out on Saturday Night but I felt bad about leaving the
work even though I wasn't getting anything done..so ended up bored out my tree and alone for
the weekend and then began feeling sorry for myself leading to what was going on in my head lastnight.

As for being romantic I didn't outline what I meant, I do like the idea of surprising
(her or whoever I happily end up with) now and again, nights in that sort of stuff
I eventualy would like to settle down, have a wife to come home to, have a
family and grow old together but the time for that is a long way off yet..
(I did not mean the neediness to read as me saying 'romantic', apologies for that.)

I suppose to to sum up I should have went out had a laugh instead of trying to stare info from my notes and end up overthinking about the other stuff..

I think I will as you say man up to it and tell her a little while before she leaves
(feel free to call me a coward should you wish as me moving out is not an option).
..But I can then at least say I did tell her and not regret it when she has left and
should it be a no, I will just have to deal with it shrug it off kind of thing and remain
good friends because I reckon thats how she would like it to be if that would be the case
and if she says yes, then I suppose all well and good until she has to leave but
maybe it might be good to just have something short term and see how that goes..

About taking charge of a situation I can do that with practical matters, for example
like grab that shovel, we can to do it this way If you manovere it over that way ect..
..but I have never tried that before with a person if you know what I mean..
but I will at least make a go of it

& thanks for the info that at least I don't have to use chat up lines and the like
cos I probably would make a complete pillock out of myself..

When the time comes if you want I can let you know how I get on..

So, anyway thank you both again.

ali.c

Betterthanks wrote: »

Ya reading back on what I posted last night, I really did sound bad, I wasn't feeling
good at the time (I suppose needy & desprate does sum it up ) so maybe I should have
waited until I was in some better form like now as Im not down and all in the world
seems to be okay again..

True, sure everyone has moments where everything just seems ****!!

Betterthanks wrote: »

I think I will as you say man up to it and tell her a little while before she leaves
(feel free to call me a coward should you wish as me moving out is not an option).
..But I can then at least say I did tell her and not regret it when she has left and
should it be a no, I will just have to deal with it shrug it off kind of thing and remain
good friends because I reckon thats how she would like it to be if that would be the case
and if she says yes, then I suppose all well and good until she has to leave but
maybe it might be good to just have something short term and see how that goes..

Its not necessarily that i think its cowardily, I am just wondering what it is that you are hoping to achieve before she goes away. Like for example if i was heading away in a few weeks and a bloke approached me, I would be unlikely to to go for it purely as i would be thinking whats the point sure i am going away next week or whenever.

You know it doesnt have to be a big deal, just get her on her own and say "i like you, do you like me" if she says no that just accept it and say something, " ah okay i just had to ask to know for definite, lets go back to being friends". It might be awkward for a few days afterwards but there is no big gestures or embarrasement so in no time at all the awkwardness will go away.

sobriquet

Betterthanks wrote: »

As for being romantic[...]

Ok, this stuff sticks out for me because I was a victim of it myself, but I think it's worth stating: you're still not romantic. Ok, maybe you are, and fair play you want to treat a girl 'right', but don't fall into the trap of believing that the world is divided between Assholes who feel women up in nightclubs and Nice Guys who treat women the right way. It's a false dichotomy, and can lead to you thinking you deserve special consideration for your behaviour. Be careful of this kind of thinking is all.

Betterthanks wrote: »

tell her a little while before she leaves

ali.c has it right on this point, what does it achieve? Nothing, you're setting yourself up for failure and you know it. Doing it the way you're planning to only satisfies your own wish to have done something, whilst at the same time minimizing any risk to the status quo. If you're serious that that's your plan, then I'd advise you just not bother. Be honest with yourself that you're not willing to sacrifice the status quo, then get over her when she leaves, and move on.

Betterthanks wrote: »

About taking charge of a situation [...] but I have never tried that before with a person if you know what I mean

Yeah. Maybe a better way to think about it is to simply be deliberate. It's not over asserting yourself pointlessly and demanding that people behave a certain way, but being sufficiently self-possessed to know what you want of yourself and others, and act accordingly. [Yoda]There is no try.[/yoda] Dunno if what I mean comes across, hope it makes sense.

Anyways, your second post comes across a lot better. We all have those moments dude, nothing to worry about. Best of luck.