best monty python lines

growler

tried a search, but to pished to make it work properly , so what are your favourite monty python lines?

mine has to be:
your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries


one of the all time classic insults


and now for something completely different

(no spell check was used in this post)

Seth Brundle

best be quick to get this one in...
Nobody beats the Spanish Inquisition

WindSock

Yes, we are all individuals...




























I'm Not

Capt'n Midnight

kbannon wrote: »

best be quick to get this one in...
Nobody beats the Spanish Inquisition

Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.

Robbo

I'm Brian and so's my wife.

Sabre0001

"He's not the messiah, he's a very naughty boy!"

Or of course - "We are the knights who say Ni..Ni ni ni ni!"

The tax man

Excuse me. Are you the Judean People's Front? Fúck off! We're the People's Front of Judea.

Da Bounca

But I didn't have the salmon!

Agent Smith

Look, I CAME HERE FOR AN ARGUMENT, I'm not going to just stand...!!
OH, oh I'm sorry, but this is abuse.
Oh, I see, well, that explains it.

Seth Brundle

Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government!

Nudge, nudge, wink, wink. Know what I mean?

What's this, then? 'Romanes Eunt Domus'? 'People called Romanes they go the house'?

The tax man wrote: »

Excuse me. Are you the Judean People's Front? Fúck off! We're the People's Front of Judea.

Splitters!

Parsley

Good thing I didn't tell him about the dirty fork!

Zapp Brannigan

"Romans! What have they ever done for us, eh!?

....
...
..
.
The Aqueduct?"

So on and so forth

cozmik

Always look on the bright side of life

Feral Mutant

How do you know she's a witch?
Well she turned me into a newt
A newt?
. . . . . I got better

Grimebox

Feral Mutant wrote: »

How do you know she's a witch?
Well she turned me into a newt
A newt?
. . . . . I got better

Arthur: A duck!

gernon

This is an ex parrot

neon_glows

There shall in that time be rumors of things going astray, erm, and there shall be a great confusion as to where things really are, and nobody will really know where lieth those little things with the sort of raffia-work base, that has an attachment. At that time, a friend shall lose his friend's hammer, and the young shall not know where lieth the things possessed by their fathers that their fathers put there only just the night before, about eight O'clock.

Seth Brundle

Finally monsieur, a wafer thin mint...

cornbb

What's wrong with a kiss, boy? Hm? Why not start her off with a nice kiss? You don't have to go leaping straight for the clitoris like a bull at a gate. Give her a kiss, boy.

growler

and what else floats besides witches?


apples, churches, small stones


classic

Fey!

"we have spam and eggs, sausage and spam, eggs and spam, spam, spam and spam with extra spam..."

neil_hosey

King Arthur: [after Arthur's cut off both of the Black Knight's arms] Look, you stupid Bastard. You've got no arms left.

Black Knight: Yes I have.

King Arthur: *Look*!

Black Knight: It's just a flesh wound.


Priceless!

EDIT :

OH
OH!
and this one....

Large Man with Dead Body: Who's that then?
The Dead Collector: I dunno, must be a king.
Large Man with Dead Body: Why?
The Dead Collector: He hasn't got **** all over him.

RadioCity

"What is your name?
What is your quest?
What is the air speed velocity of an unladen sparrow?"

"Nobody is going to stone anyone until I blow this whistle, and let me make this absolutely clear, even if they do say Jehovah..."

"Then did he raise on high the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch, saying, "Bless this, O Lord, that with it thou mayst blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy." ..... "First thou pullest the Holy Pin. Then thou must count to three. Three shall be the number of the counting and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither shalt thou count two, excepting that thou then proceedeth to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the number of the counting, be reached, then lobbest thou the Holy Hand Grenade in the direction of thine foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it."

star-pants

Sir Lancelot: We were in the nick of time. You were in great peril.
Sir Galahad: I don't think I was.
Sir Lancelot: Yes, you were. You were in terrible peril.
Sir Galahad: Look, let me go back in there and face the peril.
Sir Lancelot: No, it's too perilous.
Sir Galahad: Look, it's my duty as a knight to sample as much peril as I can.
Sir Lancelot: No, we've got to find the Holy Grail. Come on.
Sir Galahad: Oh, let me have just a little bit of peril?
Sir Lancelot: No. It's unhealthy.
Sir Galahad: I bet you're gay.
Sir Lancelot: Am not.

---

La llama es una cuadrupeda
que vive en grande rios parecido el Amazonas.
Ello toiene dos orejas un corazón
una frente y un pico para comiend miel.
Pero ello es suministrado con aleta pare nadando.



brilliant...

Bryan1

I fart in your general direction!!

Seth Brundle

The BBC would like to apologize for the next announcement.

Seth Brundle

Crucifixion?
Er, no, freedom actually.
What?
Yeah, they said I hadn't done anything and I could go and live on an island somewhere.
Oh I say, that's very nice. Well, off you go then.
No, I'm just pulling your leg, it's crucifixion really.

--Kaiser--

Too many to mention...so let's sing a song

Immanuel Kant was a real piss-ant who was very rarely stable.
Heideggar, Heideggar was a boozy beggar who could think you under the table.
David Hume could out-consume Wilhelm Freidrich Hegel.
And Whittgenstein was a beery swine who was just as sloshed as Schlegel.
There's nothing Nieizsche couldn't teach 'ya 'bout the raising of the wrist.
Socrates, himself, was permanently pissed.
John Stewart Mill, of his own free will, after half a pint of shanty was particularly ill.
Plato, they say, could stick it away, half a crate of whiskey every day!
Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle,
And Hobbes was fond of his Dram.
And Rene Descartes was a drunken fart:
"I drink, therefore I am."
Yes, Socrates himself is particularly missed;
A lovely little thinker, but a bugger when he's pissed.

MOH

They said I was daft to build a castle here. But I built one anyway, just to show 'em. It sank into the swamp.
So I built another one. That sank into the swamp.
The third one burned down, fell over, then sank into the swamp.
But the fourth one stayed up!


The Knights of Ni demand a sacrifice. You must bring us ... A SHRUBBERY!!!


Now the first thing to do when you're being stalked by an ugly mob with redcurrants is to ... release the tiger!

Raytown Rocks

Bigus Dickus
Incontentia Buttocks.

Oh and the line
"Bring out your dead, Bring out your dead".
"I'M not quite dead yet, actually I'm feeling much better".
then
Wallop across the head with a bat.

orestes

boreds wrote: »

Yes, we are all individuals...




























I'm Not

Damn you, you beat me to it!

The single funniest line ever spoken, no question!

Irish_Nomad

--Kaiser-- wrote: »

Too many to mention...so let's sing a song

Immanuel Kant was a real piss-ant who was very rarely stable.
Heideggar, Heideggar was a boozy beggar who could think you under the table.

Shouldn't that be "drink" ?

--Kaiser--

Irish_Nomad wrote: »

Shouldn't that be "drink" ?

Alas, I wasn't quoting from memory, it was pasted from a website, but I think that is correct.

On topic.....

'....we got lumps of it out back.....'

Lemming

Ah, my favourite Python dialogue:

Centurion: You know the penalty laid down by Roman law for harboring a known criminal?
Matthias: No.
Centurion: Crucifixion!
Matthias: Oh.
Centurion: Nasty, eh?
Matthias: Could be worse.
Centurion: What you mean "Could be worse"?
Matthias: Well, you could be stabbed.
Centurion: Stabbed? Takes a second. Crucifixion lasts hours. It's a slow, horrible death.
Matthias: Well, at least it gets you out in the open air.
Centurion: You're weird!

---

and of course:

Brian: I'm not the Messiah! Will you please listen? I am not the Messiah, do you understand? Honestly!
Girl: Only the true Messiah denies His divinity.
Brian: What? Well, what sort of chance does that give me? All right! I am the Messiah!
Followers: He is! He is the Messiah!
Brian: Now, **** off!

[silence]

Arthur: How shall we **** off, O Lord?




Ahhhh, the life of brian \o/

Oman

How Can you tell she's made of wood?
Build a bridge out of her

Fey!

"Well, there may be no score, but there's certainly no lack of excitement here. As you can see, Neitsche has just been booked for arguing with the referee. He has accused Confucious of having no free will, and Confucious he say "name go in box". This is Neitsches' third booking in four games."

marco_polo

Brian's Latin Lesson

Brian is writing a slogan on a wall, oblivious to the Roman patrol approaching from behind. The slogan is "ROMANES EUNT DOMUS".


Centurion:
What's this thing? "ROMANES EUNT DOMUS"? "People called Romanes they go the house?"
Brian:
It... it says "Romans go home".
Centurion:
No it doesn't. What's Latin for "Roman"?

Brian hesitates
Centurion:
Come on, come on!
Brian:
(uncertain) "ROMANUS".
Centurion:
Goes like?
Brian:
"-ANUS".
Centurion:
Vocative plural of "-ANUS" is?
Brian:
"-ANI".
Centurion:
(takes paintbrush from Brian and paints over) "RO-MA-NI". "EUNT"? What is "EUNT"?
Brian:
"Go".
Centurion:
Conjugate the verb "to go"!
Brian:
"IRE". "EO", "IS", "IT", "IMUS", "ITIS", "EUNT".
Centurion:
So "EUNT" is ...?
Brian:
Third person plural present indicative, "they go".
Centurion:
But "Romans, go home!" is an order, so you must use the ...?

He lifts Brian by his short hairs
Brian:
The ... imperative.
Centurion:
Which is?
Brian:
Um, oh, oh, "I", "I"!
Centurion:
How many Romans? (pulls harder)
Brian:
Plural, plural! "ITE".

Centurion strikes over "EUNT" and paints "ITE" on the wall
Centurion:
"I-TE". "DOMUS"? Nominative? "Go home", this is motion towards, isn't it, boy?
Brian:
(very anxious) Dative?

Centurion draws his sword and holds it to Brian's throat
Brian:
Ahh! No, ablative, ablative, sir. No, the, accusative, accusative, ah, DOMUM, sir.
Centurion:
Except that "DOMUS" takes the ...?
Brian:
... the locative, sir!
Centurion:
Which is?
Brian:
"DOMUM".
Centurion:
(satisfied) "DOMUM"...

He strikes out "DOMUS" and writes "DOMUM"
Centurian:
..."-MUM". Understand?
Brian:
Yes sir.
Centurion:
Now write it down a hundred times.
Brian:
Yes sir, thank you sir, hail Caesar, sir.
Centurion:
(saluting) Hail Caesar. If it's not done by sunrise, I'll cut your balls off.
Brian:
(very relieved) Oh thank you sir, thank you sir, hail Caesar and everything, sir!

Oliverdog

Fey! wrote: »

"Well, there may be no score, but there's certainly no lack of excitement here. As you can see, Neitsche has just been booked for arguing with the referee. He has accused Confucious of having no free will, and Confucious he say "name go in box". This is Neitsches' third booking in four games."

A good game - but was it as good as the other one - Bournemouth Gynaecologists -v- Watford and District Long John Silver Impersonators?

RuailleBuaille

Isn't it awfully nice to have a penis?
Isn't it frightfully good to have a dong?
It's swell to have a stiffy.
It's divine to own a dick,
From the tiniest little tadger
To the world's biggest prick.
So, three cheers for your Willy or John Thomas.
Hooray for your one-eyed trouser snake,
Your piece of pork, your wife's best friend,
Your Percy, or your cock.
You can wrap it up in ribbons.
You can slip it in your sock,
But don't take it out in public,
Or they will stick you in the dock,
And you won't come back.

growler

Fey! wrote: »

"Well, there may be no score, but there's certainly no lack of excitement here. As you can see, Neitsche has just been booked for arguing with the referee. He has accused Confucious of having no free will, and Confucious he say "name go in box". This is Neitsches' third booking in four games."

very strange indeed

growler

" bloody weather"

Fey!

"Every sperm is sacred".

I read somewhere that they did the video for that singint a different song to the same tune so that the kids wouldn't cop it, and then dubbed over it!!!

Mellor

RadioCity wrote: »

"What is your name?
What is your quest?
What is the air speed velocity of an unladen sparrow?"

Wasn't sparrow, was swallow.
African or european?

growler

Mellor wrote: »

Wasn't sparrow, was swallow.
African or european?

he should have known that tbh, i mean what are the chances of a sparrow carrying a coconut ? :rolleyes: some people



by the way if anyone gets a chance to see the west end show spamalot..do , its great.

RadioCity

Well, thwow me to the floor

Yes I should've known that, although theres hundreds of great quotes from Life of Brian, fewer people I think have seen of the equally ridiculous Holy Grail and Grail shaped beacons etc etc.

ZorbaTehZ

I don't think anyone has posted it yet:

Brian: All right I am the Messaiah - NOW FCUK OFF!

Seth Brundle

King Arthur: Old woman.
Dennis: Man.
King Arthur: Man, sorry. What knight lives in that castle over there?
Dennis: I'm 37.
King Arthur: What?
Dennis: I'm 37. I'm not old.
King Arthur: Well I can't just call you "man".
Dennis: Well you could say "Dennis".
King Arthur: I didn't know you were called Dennis.
Dennis: Well you didn't bother to find out did you?
King Arthur: I did say sorry about the "old woman", but from behind you looked...
Dennis: What I object to is you automatically treat me like an inferior.
King Arthur: Well I am king.
Dennis: Oh, king eh? Very nice. And how'd you get that, eh? By exploiting the workers. By hanging on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society.

---

King of Swamp Castle: You only killed the bride's father, you know.
Sir Lancelot: Well, I didn't mean to.
King of Swamp Castle: Didn't mean to? You put your sword right through his head.
Sir Lancelot: Oh dear... is he all right?

---

Interviewer: Good evening. Well, we have in the studio tonight a man who says things in a very roundabout way. Isn't that so, Mr Pudifoot?
Mr. Pudifoot: Yes.
Interviewer: Have you always said things in a very roundabout way?
Mr. Pudifoot: Yes.
Interviewer: Well, I can't help noticing that, for someone who claims to say things in a very roundabout way, your last two answers have had very little of the discursive quality about them.

---

Brian: Have I got a big nose, Mum?
Brian's mother: Stop thinking about sex!
Brian: I wasn't!
Brian's mother: You're always on about it. "Will the girls like this? Will the girls like that? Is it too big? Is it too small?"

JimmyO

Smoketoomuch: Hello, I'm Smoketoomuch.
Bounder: Well, you'd better cut down a little then.
Smoketoomuch: I'm sorry?
Bounder: You'd better cut down a little then.
Smoketoomuch: Oh, I see! Smoke too much so I'd better cut down a little then!
Bounder: Yes, ha ha... I expect you get people making jokes about your name all the time, eh?
Smoketoomuch: No, I never noticed it before.
Bounder: So, you are interested in one of our adventure holidays, are you?
Smoketoomuch: Yes, I saw your advert in the bolour supplement.
Bounder: The what?
Smoketoomuch: The bolour supplement.
Bounder: The colour supplement.
Smoketoomuch: Yes, I'm sorry, I can't say the letter 'B'.
Bounder: C?
Smoketoomuch: Yes, that's right. It's all due to a trauma I suffered when I was a sboolboy. I was attacked by a bat.
Bounder: A cat?
Smoketoomuch: No, a bat.
Bounder: Oh...can you say the letter 'K'?
Smoketoomuch: Oh, yes. Khaki, kind, kettle, Kipling, kipper, Kuwait, Keble Bollege Oxford.
Bounder: Yes, yes but why don't you use the letter 'K' instead of the letter 'C'?
Smoketoomuch: What, spell bolour with a 'K'?
Bounder: Yes!
Smoketoomuch: Kolour!
Oh, thank you! I never thought of that. What a silly bunt.

---

Sit on my face and tell me that you love me,
I'll sit on your face and tell you I love you, too.
I love to hear you o-ra-lise
When I'm between your thighs,
You blow me awaaay.

Sit on my face and let my lips embrace you,
I'll sit on your face and then I'll love you truly.
Life can be fine if we both sixty-nine,
If we sit on our faces in all sorts of places and play
'Till we're blown awaaaaaaaay.

---

And you try and tell the young people today that... and they won't believe ya.

---

NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our weapon is suprise...surprise and fear...fear and surprise.... Our two weapons are fear and surprise...and ruthless efficiency.... Our three weapons are fear, and surprise, and the ruthless efficiency...and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope.... Amongst our weapons...are fear, surprise, ruth... Amongst our weaponry...are such elements as fear... I'll come in again.

---

Is, uh,...Is your wife a goer, eh? Know whatahmean, know whatahmean, nudge nudge, know whatahmean, say no more?

---

Sergeant: Squad. Camp it ... up!

Soldiers: (mincing in unison) Oooh get her! Whoops! I've got your number ducky. You couldn't afford me, dear. Two three. I'd scratch your eyes out. Don't come the brigadier bit with us, dear, we all know where you've been, you military fairy, two three. One two three four five six, whoops! Don't look now girls the major's just minced in with that dolly color sergeant, two, 'three, ooh-ho!

---

In the bleak days of 1983, as England languished in the doldrums of
a ruinous monetarist policy, the good and loyal men of the
Permanent Assurance Company - a once-proud family firm recently
fallen an hard times - strained under the yoke of their oppressive
new corporate management...

Pushed beyond the bounds of decent and reasonable victimisation -
the aged retainers take their destiny in their own hands and...
MUTINY!

And so - the Crimson Permanent Assurance was launched upon the high
seas of international finance!

MOH

kbannon wrote: »

King Arthur: Old woman.
Dennis: Man.
King Arthur: Man, sorry. What knight lives in that castle over there?
Dennis: I'm 37.
King Arthur: What?
Dennis: I'm 37. I'm not old.
King Arthur: Well I can't just call you "man".
Dennis: Well you could say "Dennis".
King Arthur: I didn't know you were called Dennis.
Dennis: Well you didn't bother to find out did you?
King Arthur: I did say sorry about the "old woman", but from behind you looked...
Dennis: What I object to is you automatically treat me like an inferior.
King Arthur: Well I am king.
Dennis: Oh, king eh? Very nice. And how'd you get that, eh? By exploiting the workers. By hanging on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society.

- "I am your king!"
"Well, I didn't vote for you."
- "You don't vote for kings."
"Well how'd you become king then?"
- "The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest, shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur, signifying that I, Arthur, was to become king. That is why I am your king."
"Listen, strange women lying ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power is derived by a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony."
- "Be quiet!"
"I mean, you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just because some watery tart threw a sword at you."
- "Shutup!"
"I mean, if I went round saying I was an emperor just because some moistened bitch had lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away."
- "Shutup! Will you shutup!"
"Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system! Now we see the violence inherent in the system!! HELP, HELP, I'M BEING REPRESSED!!!"