Mother on Her Deathbed (possibly)

LegacyUser

Hi,
Long time reader first time poster. Never really had a decent issue to post before until now.
Ok the facts of the matter. My mother started to complain of pains in her stomach last wednesday(18-10-07). Went into hosiptal and they gave her sachets to clear her out and as they had no beds couldn't keep her over. On Friday she was worse and Friday nite doctor was called and he got her put in straight away. Saturday morning scan was done and sunday surgery. The surgery was complicated, there was a perforated sigmoid(burst colon) and other bowel damage. Monday she seemed fine was talking and generally in good form. Tuesday, (they did say that there was a high risk of infection), she took bad. Infection set in, and as she was a chronic smoker her lungs were giving trouble. She was put on to assisted breathin. Thursday, doctor told us that the odds were 70:30 against. Doctor was more postive today and they brought her back in for another surgery tonite to try and clear infection.

Ok apart from this being a grim description of a medical problem. I was looking for some feedback around self(family) and how they deal with a sudden illness and possible death.

My emotions this week have been up and down(understandably). I found myself during the week being struck(at time overcome) with emotion but as the week has gone on I seemed to have developed a certain peace. I don't know if this is shock or acceptance.

Could anyone kind of describe the emotions and experiences around this kind of issue?

Thanks for listening

Marksie

OP: Firstly, I hope that the prognosis improves and she makes a recovery. But you are going to get all sorts of emotions raging through you.
No-one is quite the same when it comes to how it affcts them. Numbness, confusion, shock, anger the whole gamut can wash over you. Some people shiow none at all externally.

Having been through situations like that twice before, so all i can advice is that your family looks out for each other. If you are in work you *may* wish to let your colleagues know in case your behaviour alters.

Best of luck op.

CathyMoran

My mum had a brain haemorrage 3 years ago ad was not expected to live - we clung together as a family, if one of us was weak the others would pick us up - it was an amazing bonding experience. You can get through this.

sobriquet

Very sorry to hear about your Mum OP. I had a similar experience - after treatment for bowel cancer my mum had lingering serious issues. She had surgery, and upon coming out of the surgery was given 24 hours to live. Amazingly, she recovered to a large degree and lived almost a full year after that, but in that time one thing failed after another and eventually her body gave in.

The initial shock is tough. Personally I was a mess and it rendered me pretty useless. As time went on though it became manageable. I don't think it's really possible to describe the emotions, or at least I certainly haven't the skill. The only thing I can think to say is that you can't anticipate it - you have to just feel it. One thing my sister had badly was a terrifying sense that the worst grief was to come - but it never did. What you go through is grief even though the person you're grieving for is still alive, and it is what it is, there's no shortcuts or beginners guide.

I'm rambling a bit, but I hope my meaning is fairly clear. As CathyMoran said, you can get through this. It's not easy, but you can get through it. Best of luck OP.

CathyMoran

I can also give the view point from your mum's side as I was very seriously ill earlier in the year recovering from oesophageal cancer surgery. I knew how ill I was but I wanted to live, I knew that my family were there supporting me and when I had a chance of leaving I stayed as my husband was crying begging me to stay. Having my family there really helped, especially my husband. I was at peace (except for the dialysis which I hated) and even when I was in pain it was bearable. It was a wierd time for me and I find the need to look back (though my husband finds it very hard). I am back in work now, so there is hope.

Firetrap

OP, I'm very very sorry to hear about your mum. I hope she pulls through. What a horrible shock

There is a theory that there are 5 stages of grief
1. Denial and Isolation.
2. Anger.
3. Bargaining.
4. Depression.
5. Acceptance.

I don't know if you believe this sort of thing but if you do, perhaps you're a 5.

My mum's still alive but has been ill for several years with a progressive illness she's never going to recover from. I really don't know if seeing someone suddenly getting ill and possibly dying quickly is any easier or harder to cope with than a long term thing so all I can talk about is my own experiences. I can safely say that I've run the gamut of emotions from anger at her for getting sick to grief at seeing her as the shell of the person she once was. I can also add in loneliness, panic, denial (at the start), sadness, difficulty of talking to others about it and bitterness.

What I've learned is that I'm a stronger person than I thought. If someone had come along to me ten years ago and told me that my mother was going to get get sick, I think I'd have jumped in a lake. As it turns out, I've learned to cope with it and am usually OK with it. That's not to say that I don't get upset sometimes about it. We're humans, not machines. I think too that being calm and accepting of it is our way of coping with hellish situations like this. There's no way you could go around all week with all sorts of strong emotions going around in your head - you had to iron them out somehow.

I hope you've got someone to talk to. It really helps. Also, even if you find it hard to say so, tell your mum that you love her. It's best not to leave things unsaid.

DublinWriter

OP - my own mum was diagnosed with a terminal brain tumor on her 61st birthday last December.

She was separated from my father and I'm an only child, so I moved back home to be her primary carer until she passed away last June.

I went through the classic stages of grieving as mentioned above. Due to the fact that I was coping with things on a day to day basis, my ability to make long term plans was completely shot and only returned to me about a month ago.

I too went through that 'certain peace' stage you mentioned right after the initial shock, but I'd term it more as 'realistic acceptance'. This is a good thing as you need to be as rational as possible for your mum right now.

Everyone reacts differently, but please don't write your mum off yet. She has a chance and that's what you should be concentrating on instead of forward-planning for the worst.