Just can't get on with my mother

Suse

I could make this a long story, but I won't. I just can't get on with my mother. I'd go so far as to say I actually don't like her as a person. I think she is the most selfish person I have ever met in my life.

There have been many many incidents of this over the last number of years that have brought me to a decision recently that I am better off not having any relationship with her other than a civil friendly one.

She only seems happy when she is gossiping about my siblings or slagging them off to me and I have no doubt that she gossips and slags me. She has no job, no friends, no hobbies and is quite literally obsessed with make up, clothes, body size and beauty regimes.

She is 57, I'm 30. She dresses much younger than she should and spends a huge amount of money on clothes (my fathers money). Every time I see her she scans me from head to toe and makes some comment about my appearance or my clothes. I am not very vain, I am fairly pretty with a normal (size 12) figure and I buy nice clothes. I don't however obessess about looking perfect all the time. She makes me feel uncomfortable in her presence because of this.

I'm currenlty not speaking to her. I know that this all sounds very childish. I'd love to have a mother that I admired and respected and wanted to spend time with but I find that over the last few years I am liking her less and less and I am going out of my way to avoid her.

It's not one particular thing that she has done or not done but rather a catalogue of incidents and comments over the last ten years that actually makes me think that she is selfish and does not have a maternal bone in her body.

She recently said something to me about my brother that was just awful. My brother is getting married next year and like any "mother of the groom" she won't have very much involvment. This annoys her and she is constantly going on about it. My brother forgot to tell her that he and his fiance has booked the band/hotel/church etc which is not unusal for him as he is really forgetful anyway. She went mad abou it and said to me "well I don't have a bond with him anyway, he's his own man and means nothing to me". I could not believe that she said that about her own son!!!!! It really turned my stomach to be honest.

Not sure really why I'm posting this here - I'm not really looking for an answer to this as I don't think there is one. I think I might just have to resign myself to the fact that I don't like my mother and I probably never will

seamus

There's no rule that says you have to like your family or that you're a bad person if you don't.

However I do think it's important to call out family when you think their behaviour is inappropriate/wrong/whatever. Family are generally the closest thing any person has to a grounding pole and if they're not putting you in your place when you become an unbearable person, then there's no hope for you. Because nobody else is going to tell you like it is.

However, this can always result in some sort of family dispute where you end up not speaking for years.

dame

Maybe she's going through the menopause and not liking the getting old thing so she's dressing younger to try and fool herself (and everyone else). She probably stayed at home when you were all growing up and now has an empty nest that she doesn't know how to fill. She's probably commenting on clothes and stuff because she thinks all young women are into their appearance and she wants a way to connect. Similarly, talking about your siblings.

Maybe try telling her nicely not to tell you bad things about your siblings because you're not interested? Change the subject when she tries to start gossiping in a not-nice way about someone. She should get the message.

How about for Christmas getting together with all your siblings and getting her a decent voucher for Debenham's (or similar) and going with her some day to pick out new clothes. She'd probably love that and Debenham's have a personal shopper thing where you go into a room and they bring in things for you to try. You could have a quiet chat with them and ask them to convince her to go for things that are more glamorous and more suitable for her. Make a girly day of it and bring your sisters if they'll go and have a nice lunch etc.

ILTS

Know exactly where you are coming from, sounds a lot like my mother. She doesn't have a maternal bone in her body and I am convinced she should never have had children. When she is talking to any of us she always has to slag off another of us and was never happier than when we were fighting among ourselves. She is quite a bit older than your mother but when she was younger she too was totally obsessed with her appearance. Outward appearance was everything to her, and she judged everyone else by their appearance too.

I decided some time ago that I couldn't be bothered with her behaviour any more. We are now barely civil to each other but I find it makes life easier. Going on what I see on the TV and read in the newspapers there are a lot more like her out there. Our decision is whether to let it affect our lives, in my case I have decided it is not going to.

The only thing you can do is tell her you are not going to listen to her moaning any more. If she has something to say about anyone, tell her to tell it to their faces, not to you, and that you are not going to get involved.

Not much else you can do, she's not going to change, believe me, I know from experience.

Good luck, don't let it get to you, its not something you've done or said.

Contrary to popular belief not all mothers e decent people with good intentions for their offspring.
You have her number and she is much less likely to get a chance to bring you and the people who do care about down, nothing worse than being walked over by selfish, ignorant family members.

LegacyUser

Unfortunately I get exactly where you are coming from. My mother is exactly the same age, and I am almost exactly the same age as you too. Like yours, she doesn't work, has no hobbies and very few friends, due to the way she acts.
Just to let you know you're not alone, and to vent my (long) rant too!
Here goes:


my mother is not so much into her own physical appearance, but appearances are everything, IYKWIM? Nothing I ever did was good enough - not how I looked, the clothes I wore, the hairstyle I had, the job I did, the education I got, the man I married, the car I drove, the interests I had, nothing.

She was always comparing me to her friend's children and said she was embarrassed to tell people what I was up to ( not that I was up to anything bad, just my job wasn't quite as high-flying as she'd have liked, ie a surgeon or president or supermodel or something). Didn't matter that oftentimes what I was in fact "up to" would have compared very favourably and often much better with whatever the offspring of her friend's children were doing, but she couldn't see that, as I was only some "possession" of hers that she wasn't overly proud of showing off.

She has the emotional empathy of a stone. When I was going through a tough time and decided - against my better judgement - to confide in her, it was a huge mistake. Basically it boiled down to the fact my husband and I were having (still are having) fertility issues, and she told me I was better off anyway as I'd not make a good mother, and obviously I was not meant to have children. She then blithely went on to tell me that she doesn't like kids anyway, and that it was great she'd not have to tell me that she didn't want to have to babysit any snotty nosed kids I might have, etc.

My longsuffering DH was driven demented, as not only did he have to grit his teeth when she passed remarks at him personally, for the sake of keeping the peace, but he had to watch me come home after a visit or get off the phone and be in floods of tears at yet another cutting comment she had made to me.

It got to the point I had a huge row with her - I asked her on one occasion not to be so rude to me on the phone, which turned into a "how dare you speak to me like that" tantrum from her, and I didn't speak to her for a week, in which time she sent my poor beleagured father into me twice to try to get me to "apologise", even though he, and all of the immediate family felt exactly the same way I did. It was just that they used to just fold to keep the peace and thought maybe I should do the same.

OK SO HERES THE IMPORTANT PART OF THE POST, AS THE ABOVE WAS JUST ADDING MY TUPPENCE WORTH OF RANT:

The only person you can actually change is you - so you have to try to not let it get to you, as you can't really change the way she is.

Let the comments pass off you like water off a duck's back. Ignore a rude statement and immediately start onto another topic. Don't let her get a rise out of you, as she's probably waiting for a hook in so she can start another drama. Change the subject each time she starts gossiping about your siblings. If she says something hurtful about them or you that you can't ignore, just say "I don't agree with you" or "I'd rather not hear that/that wasn't a very nice thing to say" and iimmediately move onto another topic.


I know it hurts to think you'll never have that "mother/daughter" relationship that some people seem to have. I know it does hurt me, but I've realised that not every "mother" is the stereotypical one, who you can go running to for cheering up when you're down, who is your biggest cheerleader in life in general, who is proud of your every acheivement no matter how small, etc. They're merely other people at the end of the day, and some people are loving and nuturing, and some are just a$$holes TBH. Realise there is no point trying to please someone who is only going to pick holes in anything you or anyone else is doing, and instead just concentrate on doing what makes you happy.

The way I cope now is to be pleasant to her when she's being pleasant to me, but to keep her at a distance, tell her as little as possible of my thoughts and goings on, be polite, but ignore the hurtful comments (or tell her I don't want to hear them) and move straight onto something else.
This way you take the power she has to hurt you away from her, as you don't let it get to you, and she doesn't have the satisfaction of knowing she is getting to you. It seems to be working as I can now have a conversation with her without it turning into a listing of my faults.


Generally if people are overly concerned with putting others down, it's because they are not happy with themselves (your mother obsessing over her appearance etc).You should feel pity for them that they have to counteract their own feelings of inadequacy by putting others down.

I know that was VERY longwinded but like you I felt I had to put it down in writing - I hope it might have helped a little bit, as at least you know you are not the only one who has a mother who doens't have a maternal bone in her body.

sjaakie

indeed you are most certainly NOT alone in this.

Sounds a lot like my mother too, altough my mother is very mean, vicious, a back stabber, never ever happy etc.

i broke up with my parents alltogether, very sad, very painful, very lonely feeling but for many many reasons much better.

a good thing that came out of all of this was that i decided to be the total opposite of my mother ( and father ) if i would become a mother.
i am 41 now, have a 18 year old son, a 16 year old daughter and a 2 year old daughter and am pregnant with nr. 4 , every day i make sure to do good for my children, be supportive, loving, caring etc.

I am proud to break the circle of idiotic women in my family ( my grandmother is even worse then my own mother )

took me years and years to come to grips with things and become my own person, even had councelling and the whole sjabang. But im free and happy now.

gl. and if you want a chat feel free to pm me

yellowellie

I have to agree with the above advice - keep her at a distance and be nice to her when she's being nice to you. I too would love to have had that mother/daughter r'ship but it was not to be.

The worst I've ever heard from my mother is 'you've no personality'. I've also heard her tell my brother that he has no personality either. I think that it's the absolute worst kind of personal attack to target somebody's personality. The ironic thing is, one's mother is probably the greatest influence on a child's personality so, in a way she was insulting herself too.

Those are the kind of mothers that are out there. We can't change them, we just have to put up with them as best we can.

ruskin

At the end of the day, she is your mam, the one who brought you into this world. Mams are very special

Strokesfan

I'm so glad I read this thread because I'm have issues with my mother too. I'm an only child and we don't even really have a mother-daughter relationship. Obviously, since there are all these replies - it means that some mothers are just self-obsessed and there's nothing we could do to change them.

At least you know you're not alone in feeling like this.

Ickle Magoo

Just because you give birth to someone it doesn't mean you have any other connection to them bar half their genetic material. The rest of that "specialness" comes from how a mother behaves towards her children & interacts with them. How supportive she is, how kind she is, how, well, motherly she is.

I love my Mum, she's an intelligent, funny woman & I respect her immensely. She can also be a complete cow & hurtful, nasty, selfish & down-right mean. It has gotten worse in recent yrs now she's hit the menopause. The bottom line is she's another human being, she loves you as no-one else does or can but that doesn't mean she's always right or always nice.

I've mulled & contemplated the issues I have with my Mum for many years now & I've come to the conclusion that altho she is the furthest removed thing from what I want a mother to be to me, she's her & I have to accept that - she isn't going to change. I've distanced myself to a degree & I now I've accepted it's her problem & not mine, I let much more of what she is saying & doing go over my head.

I think you have three choices; you can learn to live with it, confront her or spend as little time in her company as possible. I tend to do a bit of all three depending on circumstance. hth

sjaakie

ruskin wrote: »

At the end of the day, she is your mam, the one who brought you into this world. Mams are very special

??? yep... special indeed :eek: i bet you have a great mam

ruskin this is not helpful at all, in fact the opposite: with words like that you make somebody who feels really sad about the relationship with their mother even more sad because our mams are NOT special in the way you are refering too.

and yes: she brought you into this world... and so? for example i was an "accident" and was not suppose to be born and was told that on numerous occasions..

so whats your point? or did you just thought: i put one little "conversation killer" in this thread?

think before you post in such an emotional issue.

LegacyUser

My mother's an asshole. There, I said it. She's selfish, incapable of empathy and she is tearing my family apart one fraying nerve at a time.

She spends a ridiculous amount of money (that we cannot afford) on ridiculously expensive clothes. She bullies everybody in the family and can be physically abusive. She is constantly telling everyone how "****" they are and how she wished she'd never got married/had kids. She has never, that I can recall, supported any of us in anything, and puts us down whenever she gets the chance. She has no friends and no job.

I loathe her.

Also on one particularly memorable occasion, she made me eat my own vomit. At four in the morning. When I was five years old.

seamus

ruskin wrote: »

At the end of the day, she is your mam, the one who brought you into this world. Mams are very special

Bull.

To parphrase another saying - Any idiot can pop out a baby, but it takes a real woman to make a mother.

There's no reason why someone should stand by their mother just because they gave birth to them. It takes more than a few hours labour to be worthy of your childrens' love and respect.

Suse

Thanks so much to you all for replying me my post. It means so much to me to know that I am not the only one in the country to have issues with my mother.
Today I am exceptionally emotional about it, after yet another row with her. I have read all of your replies with so much interest and I can relate to all of them. It's great to know I am not alone.
I think at this stage in my life, like I said I'm 30 now, I need to be able to deal with this better. I can't be sitting in work crying because my mother has said something devasting to me yet again!!!
I know I now need to limit my involvement with her. I already know that she is much worse with alcohol so I avoid being around her when she is drinking, which is quite often as she thinks she should have the social life of a 25 yr old!
For the sake of my sanity and for the protection of my wonderful relationship with my boyfriend I will now have to avoid her as much as possible. I can't continue to allow her to hurt me and treat me so badly. It's not fair on me or my BF. He actually said to me this morning (whilst I was crying) "you need to understand that your mother is not like you; she is not a nice person". This is so true. I would never ever hurt someone on purpose and if I had hurt someone without realising it I would be mortified and would bend over backwards to make amends to that person. Like some of the posters on here my mother is only happy when there is a row on or when she is causing sh1t between us all.
I have turned off my mobile for the weekend and I am heading away with himself (he's so good to me) for the long weekend. He's doing this to cheer me up and I don't even know where were going and I can't bring my mobile so that my mother cannot contact me to apologies. Can't wait, I really need it.
I know that I will never be like my mother when I am eventually a mother myself. I will love and respect my children and support them no matter what. That is one good thing that has come out of this.
Thanks again for all of your support and have a nice weekend x

Suse

Ruskin - you post was not very helpful

aidan24326

Suse wrote: »

Thanks so much to you all for replying me my post. It means so much to me to know that I am not the only one in the country to have issues with my mother

You sure aint! My sister and mother haven't spoken in years.

For the sake of my sanity and for the protection of my wonderful relationship with my boyfriend I will now have to avoid her as much as possible. I can't continue to allow her to hurt me and treat me so badly. It's not fair on me or my BF

Very true. You have to take back a little bit of the power in your relationship with your mother. Don't allow her to dominate and don't be afraid to put her in her place just because she's your mother. Like others have said respect has to be earned.

I know that I will never be like my mother when I am eventually a mother myself. I will love and respect my children and support them no matter what. That is one good thing that has come out of this.
Thanks again for all of your support and have a nice weekend x

Good for you. Have a nice weekend yourself.

aidan24326

ruskin wrote: »

At the end of the day, she is your mam, the one who brought you into this world. Mams are very special

Worst post ever. Seriously. Saying 'Mams are very special' is as bad a generalisation as saying 'people are very special'.

LegacyUser

its tough not having the relationship you'd like with your mother. i understand only too well myself. i don't think what ruskin posted was very helpful - obviously and good for them they have never experienced the kind of mothers we have! anyone can have a baby - its just a biological thing - it does not make the person nice, caring or motherly all of a sudden! to say mothers are all special is bizarre really. anyway sorry for the rant but it just made me feel angry because i know my mother is not special, she is very abusive and nasty and it makes me feel bad when someone says oh mothers are special no matter what etc. i feel a bit of a hole in my life because i never had the relationship i'd like with my mother. suse i hope you'll have a good weekend and i think your plan to distance yourself a bit is a good idea considering the pain your mother is causing you.

Anonnie - your story broke my heart to be honest - its so disgraceful that your mother made you do that. i dont even know what to say but its just awful. i can hear how angry and rejected you feel over it, and i understand because my mother couldnt cope with me being sick either. she would just scream and call me names if i was sick. once i was very ill and she just decided she had enough and left me alone in the house ill by myself - i was around 7/8 at the time so too young to be alone overnight. also when i was younger and i wet the bed a few times as most kids do, she would stick my face into it.

i wish i had the attitude that sjaakie has - that you created your own loving family and you sound like a really lovely mum. i'm afraid to ever have kids, and i dont ever think i'll have them. i'm too afraid i won't be a good mother now.

Dinxminx

I guess it's nice to know you're not alone in thinking 'bad' thoughts about a parental. My mother is not 'special', she is cruel.

Anti

OP your mother sounds very much like my own. Thats why i havent spoke to the bitch in almost a year. And have no interest in regaining any type of relationship what so ever.

vorbis

Don't have this issue with my mother but my dad used to make a lot of cutting remarks when I was younger. I'd offer slightly different advice to some of the others. You must stand up to your mother. My sister to this day still practices the "ignore what he says" tactic when my dad gets angry at her. As a result, she can barely have an argument with him without crying.

Myself, I've told my dad to **** off a number of times in arguments and called him out on some of the rubbish he says. Its helped make him a lot mroe polite when dealing with me.

Morgase

yellowellie wrote: »

The worst I've ever heard from my mother is 'you've no personality'.

Snap. In fact, she would say that I took after my father in that respect. In front of both me and my dad, the wagon!

OP, I hope you're feeling better now that you know you are certainly not alone in this.

sjaakie

feelthesame wrote: »

i wish i had the attitude that sjaakie has - that you created your own loving family and you sound like a really lovely mum. i'm afraid to ever have kids, and i dont ever think i'll have them. i'm too afraid i won't be a good mother now.

ty.. but what you said made me a bit sad.. you know how you should look at it?
if this dark cloud of having a really bad family hangs over you then they win! and thats the last thing you want.
and why would you not be a good mother? for years i thought that surely i must have inherited the "bad" dna .. but my actions speak for themselves.. i dont have the bad dna, sure i have my bad things , but they are my bad things and not something my mother put her dark spell on.
honestly : dont let her win, put it in a box in your head and only open the box when you want it to open.
cutting contact with family is like losing someone, you need to get angry, mourn, cry, accept, take a deep deep sigh . everytime bad memories pop up, think of your resolutions: I OPEN THE BOX WHEN I SAY SO, not when your mother pops in your head.

its very very difficult, took me about 35 years to come to grips with it.

op: have a nice weekend

LegacyUser

thanks for your reply sjaakie, made me feel less alone. thats exactly how i feel, that i inherited the badness from my mother - so thats why i'm afraid of ever having children. in fact i keep everyone at a distance and don't allow anyone close to me. i feel lonely but i don't know how to stop. my grandmother and all my mothers sisters are the same, abusive, so i'm convinced i'll inherit the same thing. i'm trying to see myself as an individual and different to her but its hard. thanks again.

sjaakie

feelthesame wrote: »

thanks for your reply sjaakie, made me feel less alone. thats exactly how i feel, that i inherited the badness from my mother - so thats why i'm afraid of ever having children. in fact i keep everyone at a distance and don't allow anyone close to me. i feel lonely but i don't know how to stop. my grandmother and all my mothers sisters are the same, abusive, so i'm convinced i'll inherit the same thing. i'm trying to see myself as an individual and different to her but its hard. thanks again.

i will send you a pm .. not today.. no time.. tomorrow

-avey-

some mothers have a difficult relationship with their daughters as they may resent them for chances they got that they themselves didnt get or take. my mother and i fought a lot when i was younger, till we learned to talk things out and see how the other felt so we could start to respect each other

feelthesame

thanks sjaakie.

to Suse - just wondering how you are now, hope your ok and the weekend away went well for you. you deserve some time away, some time to switch off from all this stuff. hope your ok anyway.

Firetrap

OP I'm sorry to read about your difficult relationship with your mother. As many others on this thread have pointed out, just because a woman has given birth to a child doesn't mean she's going to be maternal or nice or any good at the job. I'm lucky in that I had a great mum but one of my closest friends no longer speaks to her mother because of the way she behaved.

The only thing I would advise you to do is not to have any big falling outs with her, bad and all as she is. Better to keep your distance, pass yourself when needs be and live your own life.

Suse

Just a quick post to let you all know that I really appreciated your support. I'm not too bad today. The weekend away did me the world of good and I managed to get a smile back on my face
I now understand about the control thing, I need to have the control over my mother, as in I need to be able to prevent her from hurting me.
I'll keep my sweet but far away. I got a text off her this morning, I'll reply to it on Thursday or Friday - depending on how busy I am

Thanks again for all your help and support. It made a bit difference to me !!!!

LegacyUser

I have not experienced the abuse listed by some posters here (horrifying stuff ) but I do have a verbally abusive, emotionally distant mother.

In my pre-teen years my mother's disdain for me was manifested in cutting comments about my appearance. Her comments about how horrible I looked still impact me 15 years later. I have suffered with eating disorders (binging, purging) for years as a result of the way she spoke about my appearance.

If I were to sit down with my mother and list the ways she has let me down, I can easily anticipate that the response would be her bursting into tears and angrily saying, "Well I did my best". She would never apologise - she is too proud. For this reason she has no friends, none at all. This makes me very sad for her.

But there is a happy ending (ish) to my story. I went to counselling, where I went through the process of

1) acceptance and
2) forgiveness.

I have accepted that I do not have the mum I want and I never will. I have also accepted all my wonderful qualities. Previously I exclusively accepted the crap ones.

Secondly I have forgiven her for the ways in which she has hurt me. This has freed me to love her again and have a relationship with her. It has also led to an appreciation of the sacrifices she made for me as a baby and a child - i.e. I can now see again all the good things she did for me as well as the bad.

The result is that our relationship is better. When she makes a hurtful comment now I calmly address it. I have boundaries in my life that she cannot cross. And I try to find ways to show her love that will hopefully break the negative cycle that she has started.

Forgiveness is a transformative thing. It does not have to mean being a pushover or allowing her to control your emotions. I am a healthier and happier person than I have ever been, and I have even seen improvements in my mother I think, in part, because of the good example I am setting for her - a well-boundaried woman who is firm and knows her own mind, but who will forgive and love in spite of stubbornness and failure.

It's been a hard road but it has been worth it. I'm not even dreading Christmas this year.

milkerman

My mother is a truly unpleasant person.
My wife cannot stand her overbearing, nasty, selfish nature and will not tolerate her company. I am largely indifferent towards her.
When I was younger I knew Mam could be difficult but put up with her, what else can a kid do?
Now I am a forty something and before I say or do anything I think of what Mam would say - then I make sure to say something different.
Shortly before I married I had to warn her that I would not tolerate any more of her behaviour. Basically she must be pleasant and polite and knows that if she steps out of line she WILL lose all contact with my family. Occasionally she has stepped out of line and I have sent her home & told her not to return. After a few weeks she will attempt to make contact but I refuse until an apology is delivered (usually to my wife).
Its not easy. I think you will have to create ground rules for contact. If she wont play ball then you should avoid contact with her. I hope you have your own place to live.
On a lighter note, my wife suggests I set up a club for 'Sons of Bitches', women can be soooo nasty!