Am I overreacting or is he being insensitive?

LegacyUser

My bf recently bought a ring to cover a small Indian ink mark he’s got on his middle finger. It’s a claddagh ring, but not the traditional sort; it’s a thick gold band with the emblem of the claddagh in the centre of it. Anyway, he takes it off whenever he’s having a shower or working on his car or whatever, and when it goes back on it can land either side up, doesn’t matter to him. Well, the thing is, it matters to me. We’ve been together for years and I don’t think it’d take much effort on his part to glance at the bleedin ring before he puts it back on in order to check whether he advertising to the world that he’s single or committed.

Maybe some people will think this is a petty problem, and in terms of comparison with some other problems I’m sure it is, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t matter to me. Last night I told him I’d prefer if he wore the ring with the heart pointed inwards, in accordance with tradition, and he told me tradition was neither here nor there to him and I had no right to be dictating to him what way he wore it! The childish side of me is dying to go out and by the biggest claddagh ring I can find and wear it – heart pointing outwards of course – and see how the shoe feels on the other foot (or the ring on the other finger, as it were!)

I don’t want to stoop to that sort of silliness though, and the sad thing is, I wouldn’t want to tell the world I wasn’t committed to someone when I am and I can’t understand how he can justify not given a damn about how I feel. I resent that he could talk to me like that and that he wont make the effort of doing such a small thing for the sake of my feelings. He maintains it doesn’t matter to him what way he wears the ring, but if it makes no difference to him and it does matter to me, shouldn’t the way I feel about it take precedence? I mean, in any situation where I couldn’t care about something either way, I’d be swayed by his opinion, if he expressed one.

So, am I overreacting or is he being insensitive?

Beruthiel

Overreacting doesn't seem to quite cover it.
Seriously, if this is all that bothers you with regards to your b/f you should be counting every one of them lucky stars and leave the poor chap alone.

How Strange

+1. Honestly, OP if that is all that is wrong in your relationship then you are very lucky. Go buy yourself a ring and wear the heart any which way you want if it makes you feel better. I doubt your bf would even notice. Its not what I notice when I see someone wearing a claddagh ring

beans

Six of one, half-dozen of the other.

You may just have to find a way to get over it, or else he'll have to become acutely aware that it's a problem for you. One of you will have to compromise.

Sounds like two headstrong personalities there. I'm sure this will not be the only thing that crops up from the "I'm not giving in to that" point of view. What if he wants to call the kids Tarquin and Snoopy?

Sorry, probably not much help, but my observation fwiw.

cance

but at the same time, surely he could make the effort to just put it on the right way? i mean it takes 2 seconds...

try explain your feelings without getting upset. i know personally i would make a point of wearing it the appropriate way if i knew it upset Mrs.

Sleepy

Honestly I can't see why he wouldn't do it to make you happy. It's not like you're asking to brand him or anything, just asking that he not falsely advertise about being single.

super_furry

I wasn't aware that there was a right or wrong way to wear and Claddagh ring and I doubt your boyfriend was. However by making such a big fuss and dictating what he should do, you may have got his back up.

Well I personally think your grievance is OTT and cant see why you'd get so wound up over something so insignificant. I think the fact that he's with you should be the important thing, not which side he wears a piece of metal but if you're traditional thats fair enough, no offence by the way.

I know if it was me Id be annoyed at havin to put even the sllightest bit of thought into something I dont believe in. Also, if u are so keen on it why dont u buy your own one and wear it right way??

Id say he is more resentful about being told what to do... were u agressive or did u say it to him in a casual manner?


Honestly, "advertising to the world", im sorry but I know very few, if any, people who would look for that and considering how few people probably know about it wouldnt it be reasonable to assume that a lot of people are "advertising" themselves as single/taken, when theyre the opposite??


I know this is a more extreme example but if I were very religious and my partner was atheist I wouldnt insist on her wearing a cross around her neck.......

Cathmandooo

He would never notice you wearing a claddagh ring the wrong way. You should leave him to wear it whatever way he wants, it doesnt sound like he's intentionally wearing it with the heart pointed out. Sorry but I do think you're overreacting. I know people have said it only takes 2 seconds to check it but it'll only turn into an annoyance for him and get his back up. Dont breach the peace

BoozyBabe

Do you know how many people actually know which way a Claddagh ring should be worn to represent commitment?
Do you know how many people would actually notice his ring / notice it's a Claddagh ring / notice which way he has it on & know it's significance?
Do you know how many people would give a sh!t either way!!!!!

SERIOUS Overreaction on your part!

What if it was a REALLY big deal for him that you never wore heels? Would you be fine with that. Have a nice dress on & a pair of flats.
Or something else really insignificant like that.

I have a mate (male) who wears a claddagh ring, who insists on wearing it the proper way. (Was actually him who taught me the significance of it)
Though he's a lovely guy:- you just have to think 'oh you muppet!!!'

Get over it. I'd hate to see how you'd flip if you actually had a serious issue

Maple

OTT to a ridiculous level.

Seraphina

ive owned and regularly wore a claddagh ring for years, i didn't even know which way was which (in fact, a episode of buffy was the only time i heard the tradition mentioned)

i think its a bit ridiculous to get huffy over which way he wears the ring, i know i wouldn't look at someones claddagh and decide whether or not they were single based on that.

imo you're totally over reacting, its a stupid thing to kick up a fuss for.
at the same time, if it upsets you, he shouldn't mind wearing it the 'right' way. its probably all to do with how you brought it up with him. he doesn't want to feel like he's being 'made' to wear it the way you want him to.

Mighty_Mouse

Possibly a nagging world record I reckon!

The childish side of me is dying to go out and by the biggest claddagh ring I can find and wear it – heart pointing outwards of course – and see how the shoe feels on the other foot (or the ring on the other finger, as it were

I loved this part!!
Me thinks yer bf wouldnt give a toss!

Jaysis lady, if yer pestering the head of a guy cos of what way he wears his ring ye must have very little to argue about.
In fact keep it up & see how long yer bf hangs around

he doesn't want to feel like he's being 'made' to wear it the way you want him to.

I promise this thought hasnt even entered his head.
All can think of is .... "oh my god, my gf's an idiot"

Scoobydoobydoo

Men don't care about this stuff, it just doesn't occur to them. To ask him to be alert to this sort of thing is probably like asking him to file and paint his nails.
Don't try to change him, he won't like that!

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone.

I didn't make a big fuss, I just told him I'd prefer if he wore the ring the right way around. He was and is aware of the significance of which way the heart points when wearing a claddagh ring btw, he just doesn't regard it as something that matters, precisely because it doesn't matter to him, and that's exactly my point - if something doesn't matter to him, it appears, it doesn't matter at all. That's a very self-absorbed attitude to take in a relationship as far as I'm concerned.

What is actually really bothering me here most is not so much the position of the bloody ring, it's the fact that he obviously is willing to disregard my feelings because they don't correlate with his own. If that's the sort of stance he takes regarding my feelings, that they need to match his in order to be valid, I may well find myself dealing with the same disregard in a very much larger issue. I don't think my feelings should need to match his in order to be considered valid, but apparently, from his perspective, they do. It is his attitude here that is really bothering me.

l3LoWnA

OP, you are being Completely OTT!!

I never knew there was such a "tradition" and I would never ever stop to think about which way a guy wore a claddagh ring.

I'm sure it means nothing to your boyfriend but he's just diggin his heels in! Buy him a nice big ring that isn't a Claddagh Ring for Xmas and make sure it only fits the finger the Claddagh is on!!

biko

You are overreacting a bit although whenever I wear my Claddagh ring I always wear it according to tradition. But then I live very close to the actual Claddagh village.
It's not really a proper ring anyway if it's with the emblem is in the centre of it instead of outside.

KingKenny7

OP, how old are ya 15???

Grow up, its just a claddagh ring. If you were my girlfriend, you'd be dropped kick so high you'd be s**ting on birds.

Its not a wedding ring!!

BoozyBabe

But, you're doing the exact same!!!
You're pulling a wobbly cos his feelings don't match yours also.
He doesn't give a toss about tradition, but you're giving him a hard time because he doesn't & you do.
It's the same thing.

TBH, in the scale of things, it's not important.
Besides the ring, does he take your feelings into account, because that's all that matters.
How long are ye going out?

super_furry

From your response and the fact that such a trivial matter is causing such problems in your relationship, I'd guess that it's a symptom of a bigger issue within the relationship.

smartypants

lady you are crazy!!! the man isnt married to you! do you expect him to look at his ring every 5 mins to ensure its the right way around? :rolleyes:

my god!!!!!!!!!

Marksie

ringblues123 wrote: »

That's a very self-absorbed attitude to take in a relationship as far as I'm concerned.

There are two of you in it.

ringblues123 wrote: »

What is actually really bothering me here most is not so much the position of the bloody ring, it's the fact that he obviously is willing to disregard my feelings because they don't correlate with his own. If that's the sort of stance he takes regarding my feelings, that they need to match his in order to be valid, I may well find myself dealing with the same disregard in a very much larger issue.

Actually I think on a larger issue he may listen. I think it would probably be the other way around. As one poster said, with this level of over reaction what would happen if you actually had an issue?

ringblues123 wrote: »

I It is his attitude here that is really bothering me.

Before examining his, look at your own.

PS. i have a claddagh: is it with the heart in or out? A friend toild me i was wearing it in the taken position i.e in.

Cathmandooo

ringblues123 wrote: »

What is actually really bothering me here most is not so much the position of the bloody ring, it's the fact that he obviously is willing to disregard my feelings because they don't correlate with his own. If that's the sort of stance he takes regarding my feelings, that they need to match his in order to be valid, I may well find myself dealing with the same disregard in a very much larger issue. I don't think my feelings should need to match his in order to be considered valid, but apparently, from his perspective, they do. It is his attitude here that is really bothering me.

What about you respecting his feelings for it not mattering to him? You're two individuals. Maybe he likes being easy going and free to wear what he likes and how he likes! Seriously OTT

*Page*

i think the ring only has significance if you bought it for him.


in the tradition that is...

vorbis

Serious overreacting OP.

This is the kind of behavior that leads us men to call women naggers! Its a trivial matter and you're making a big deal out of it. It doesn't matter how you broach the subject, by simply making an issue out of something so small you're going to annoy your boyfriend. Leave it slide, I guarrantee this kind of behavior has got your bf worried about how you would react if there was a big issue.

muppetkiller

ringblues123 wrote: »

What is actually really bothering me here most is not so much the position of the bloody ring, it's the fact that he obviously is willing to disregard my feelings because they don't correlate with his own. If that's the sort of stance he takes regarding my feelings, that they need to match his in order to be valid, I may well find myself dealing with the same disregard in a very much larger issue. I don't think my feelings should need to match his in order to be considered valid, but apparently, from his perspective, they do. It is his attitude here that is really bothering me.

If I was him I'd be worried how YOU react when you actually have a real problem. Grow up woman ...I think if he has any sense he should run for the hills.

Nevyn

Ok clearly this type of ring has more significance to you then it does to him.
He sees it just as a ring and you see it as a symbol.
I think you should sit and explain to him how you feel about it and what the different ways of wearing it means and what it means to you.
Those types of rings were ogrinally wedding rings.

MCMLXXXIII

I don't think you are overreacting. If it's important to you, then he should realize that, and if he really cared about how you feel then he would take the time to turn it around. However, this is such a small issue, there is an easy and effective way to take care of it. Buy him a new ring. Buy him a regular band and give it to him to wear. This way he has a new ring to cover the mark, he doesn't need to worry about how it is put on, and you won't get frustrated with how he wears it. Easy.

ringblues123

ringblues123 wrote: »

Thanks everyone.

I didn't make a big fuss, I just told him I'd prefer if he wore the ring the right way around. He was and is aware of the significance of which way the heart points when wearing a claddagh ring btw, he just doesn't regard it as something that matters, precisely because it doesn't matter to him, and that's exactly my point - if something doesn't matter to him, it appears, it doesn't matter at all. That's a very self-absorbed attitude to take in a relationship as far as I'm concerned.

What is actually really bothering me here most is not so much the position of the bloody ring, it's the fact that he obviously is willing to disregard my feelings because they don't correlate with his own. If that's the sort of stance he takes regarding my feelings, that they need to match his in order to be valid, I may well find myself dealing with the same disregard in a very much larger issue. I don't think my feelings should need to match his in order to be considered valid, but apparently, from his perspective, they do. It is his attitude here that is really bothering me.

Get over yourself.
For the love of god get over yourself.
This is the biggest overreaction I've seen to date.

"If that's the sort of stance he takes regarding my feelings" - if that's the sort of stance you take on such an insignificant thing, he should be running far away from you.

LegacyUser

super_furry wrote: »

From your response and the fact that such a trivial matter is causing such problems in your relationship, I'd guess that it's a symptom of a bigger issue within the relationship.

You're right on the money there Super_Furry. It's not the first time, it's FAR from the first time, in fact, that I've been expected to keep my mouth shut and accept that his opinion is the only valid one in our relationship. I guess I should have made that clear in my first post. I could sit here and relate all sorts of incidences where his self-absorbed attitude has caused problems, and this would be the least of them, believe me, but the crux of it is this: I am getting beyond sick of his 'my way or the highway' attitude and I'm seriously considering heading for the fukin highway; I think I'd be better off and maybe so would he because then he could start all over again with another woman who'd patiently deal with his BS for several years before she took off the altruists fukin eye-goggles.

Zulu

Nag, nag, nag, nag, nag, nag... You are so out of line here OP it's incredible. Do yourself a favour - if you want a seriuos adult relationship, grow up, and cop on beforehe leaves you.

the_syco

KingKenny7 wrote: »

Its not a wedding ring!!

Depends on what hand it's on.

ringblues123 wrote: »

My bf recently bought a ring to cover a small Indian ink mark he’s got on his middle finger.

Left or right hand?

=-=

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Claddagh_ring

Traditionally, if the ring is on the right hand with the heart facing outward and away from the body, this indicates that the person wearing the ring is not in any serious relationship, and may in fact be single and looking for a relationship: "their heart is open."

When worn on the right hand but with the heart facing inward toward the body, this indicates the person wearing the ring is in a relationship, or that "someone has captured their heart".

A Claddagh worn on the left hand ring finger, facing outward away from the body, generally indicates that the wearer is engaged.

When the ring is on the left hand ring finger and facing inward toward the body, it generally means that the person wearing the ring is married.

=-=

OP: you so far over the f**king top, you're gone. If this is how you react to a little thing that he's trying to cover and ignore, be prepared to be dumped. Get it into your head: he wants to hide it. Forget about it, before he forgets about you.

LegacyUser

the_syco wrote: »

Left or right hand?

Right hand, middle finger. You know, it's past the point of a bloody ring by now. I'm just sick of having my feelings invalidated, by way of and only because they are mine and not his. That is the only criterion this man seems to need in order for an opinion not to matter.

I'm done with this crap relationship. It's gas that he'll suppose it was his ring that was the straw that broke the camels back - it wasn't - it was his attitude: but he's welcome to think otherwise, and so is everybody else.

ringblues123

ringblues123 wrote:

I'm done with this crap relationship.

Good. He is much better off without someone so immature and selfish as you. Hopefully in future you will learn to cop on.

challengemaster

bluewolf wrote: »

Good. He is much better off without someone so immature and selfish as you. Hopefully in future you will learn to cop on.

+1

the_syco

OP: instead of looking at this as a failed relationship, look upon it as a learning experience.

In your next relationship remember it takes two to tango, and thus you both should make decisions. It sounds like as you never said anything before (or you may have just dropped the subject), this to him is just a simple little thing that will blow over.

Best of luck with the next one;)

LegacyUser

bluewolf wrote: »

Good. He is much better off without someone so immature and selfish as you. Hopefully in future you will learn to cop on.

It wouldn't have taken any more effort on your part to ask what other incidences I was talking about than it did to be abusive. Had you took the former route you'd have got a clearer picture of the situation and been in a more informed position to comment - hopefully some day you'll learn to cop on yourself.

Dragan

Can you give us 3 other things he has done that really hurt you?

Because lady, if it's just the ring thats getting to you then he's better off without.

dudara

OP, why did you post on here about something so trivial (and which you surely knew was trivial) when there were other things wrong with your relationship anyway?

LegacyUser

the_syco wrote: »

In your next relationship remember it takes two to tango, and thus you both should make decisions.

That is the commonsense approach the_syco, but unfortunately it is not possible with a person who truly believes only their personal viewpoint is valid. The lesson I intend to take out of this relationship is that it is necessary to identify whether or not a future potential partner is inclined to believe only his opinion matters, because it is not possible to build a healthy relationship with someone who is self-absorbed to the degree that they hold that belief.

Most of the comments here were way off base and could have been cleared up with a few simple questions related to the history of the relationship under discussion - it's a pity it doesn't occur to people to ask them.

spinandscribble

tbh it could be worse with regard to the ring. its not like its signicant to him and suddenly he decides to wear it the single way and makes a joke outa it only because he's sizing up his opinions *sigh*
anyway i'd be interested to hear what else he did. i can kinda see where your coming from, that its more that he wont do a silly small thing to spare your feelings. i'd hope thought he's done far worse things though for *this* to be the straw that broke the camels back. its a silly fight, yes, but i think theres other things at play here that we dont know about.

Zulu

ringblues123 wrote: »

It wouldn't have taken any more effort on your part to ask what other incidences I was talking about than it did to be abusive. Had you took the former route you'd have got a clearer picture of the situation and been in a more informed position to comment - hopefully some day you'll learn to cop on yourself.

Op incredibly as it may seem, there is no solid proof to suggest anyone can mind read, yet you expect us (and most probably your boyfriend) to do just that.
Either post what you mean (ie it wasn't the ring but something else that is causing this hissy fit) if you want help, or try Irish psychics or some such. :rolleyes:

dudara

ringblues123 wrote: »

Most of the comments here were way off base and could have been cleared up with a few simple questions related to the history of the relationship under discussion - it's a pity it doesn't occur to people to ask them.

The fact of the matter is that people commented on what you posted. Your first posts were concerned solely with the Claddagh ring issue, or at least that's how you chose to portray it.

ringblues123

ringblues123 wrote:

Most of the comments here were way off base and could have been cleared up with a few simple questions related to the history of the relationship under discussion - it's a pity it doesn't occur to people to ask them.

Oh I get it - you rant about being angry about the ring but we are inconsiderate to assume you're angry about the ring. right.

I guess this is what happened with your bf. You ranted about being angry about the ring and threw a hissy fit when he didn't understand you really meant xyz.

LegacyUser

dudara wrote: »

OP, why did you post on here about something so trivial (and which you surely knew was trivial) when there were other things wrong with your relationship anyway?

Yes, I did know it was trivial dudara, I said so in my first post. I posted about it because it is the current issue, and I wanted to know if it, as a stand-alone issue, was worth feeling that my opinions and views had been invalidated once again. I suppose in fairness I couldn't or shouldn't have expected people to get a balanced view based on that one issue, but then I wasn't expecting to be dived on and receive dozens of posts referring to me in all sorts of derogatory terms.

Someone asked could I provide three similar examples; I could provide dozens, but to be honest dudara, I'm not going to get into that because the reception I've gotten on this thread would lead me to believe I'd only be letting myself in for more abuse. People can make their point without being abusive; it is quite cruel to do so actually, especially considering the people who post here post for the reason that they are upset over something to begin with.

I wont be taking my personal issues here to be made sport over again. Thank you to yourself and to anyone else who didn't respond in an abusive manner.

dudara

I'm going to close this thread now as I feel that there is no further benefit to be gained by leaving it open.

OP, don't feel hurt by what has happened here. Instead, maybe, it might help you realise how to focus on your issues, instead on using roundabout means.

Good luck in the future.