Bad news

Jella17

Hiya everyone I am new here and just need to let some stuff out I have a lot going on right now. I just found out today that my mother is dying from liver failure and the doc's think she'd be lucky to reach six months. I'm pretty shocked and I am meeting with the doc tomorrow to know more.

The stupid thing is I have a holiday to thailand booked for the 2nd december. I do have insurance taken out but I dont know if I should cancell it. I talked to my mum before and asked her if I should stay (she doesnt know how sick she is) and she said "no way i'd be dissapointed if u dont go", I feel so torn. My husband and I have not had a holiday in a yr and a half and he worked all summer long just to get time off. I just hope I made the rite decision in the end. I want to make my mum happy. I know she could die at anytime even when i'm not there I think I am prepaired for that. Arg I'm so confused i'm goona chat with my dad to see what he thinks this is such a mess.

Thanks
Jella

KlondikePaddy

Don't make any hasty decisions yet-you are still in shock naturally. If it were me-I would cancel the holiday if you were to ask me a straight question to go or not. My heart goes out to you. I wish you all the best in the months ahead whatever decision you make.

LegacyUser

really sorry to hear about your mother, i hope you are coping ok, it a tough decision, but if your mother were to die while u your on holiday would you live to regret it? you mother has only a short time left, you could postpone your holiday to another year, but that is just my opinion, i would give anything to have spent more time with my dad before he died.

Lawless_Samurai

KlondikePaddy wrote: »

Don't make any hasty decisions yet-you are still in shock naturally.

I agree with this point, take your time. Just to offer my two cents here...
I lost my mother through illness only last month. She was ill for the last three years but about this time last year she got very bad. I'm 21 years old and in college away from home. I had a choice to move down with some college friends around that time and live near college but I decided to stay at home and commute to help my dad take care of my mam and spend time with her.

Although this period was one of the hardest things I've gone through I wouldn't trade the world for the time I got to spend with my mam. The summer alone was amazing. Loads of my friends went on J1s to america and austrilia but I got to spend time with my mother and that is something you just cannot buy....

I know the holiday is important because its the first one in a long time but in the end they come and go.... You only get one mother in life. I found that out the hard way.

Lawless_Samurai

KlondikePaddy wrote: »

Don't make any hasty decisions yet-you are still in shock naturally.

I agree with this point, take your time. Just to offer my two cents here...

I lost my mother through illness only last month. She was ill for the last three years but about this time last year she got very bad. I'm 21 years old and in college away from home. I had a choice to move down with some college friends around that time and live near college but I decided to stay at home and commute to help my dad take care of my mam and spend time with her.

Although this period was one of the hardest things I've gone through I wouldn't trade the world for the time I got to spend with my mam. The summer alone was amazing. Loads of my friends went on J1s to america and austrilia but I got to spend time with my mother and that is something you just cannot buy.

I know the holiday is important because its the first one in a long time but in the end they come and go.... You only get one mother in life. I found that out the hard way.

KlondikePaddy

There is the voice of experience talking-a very mature response. Make the most of the time you have got together. A holiday will happen and then you can take it with peace of mind knowing that you had quality time with your Mum.;)

How Strange

OP, I agree with the other posters. Postpone the holiday. You can do that another time. If you were to go you would probably spend your time being upset and wishing you were at home.

We received some similar news in our family recently and it makes you see everything differently.

Jella17

Thanks everyone for the replies, they have helped a lot. I will cancel the holiday I took out insurance after all so thats what it's for. It's so hard to imagine my mum gone or never going home again. She is 61 her mother is still alive and i'm 25 the youngst of 5 and my dad is 72, I guess u just never know when your time will come. I'm going to spend as much time with my mum as I can, I dont get much time alone with her and now is my chance. She is in hosptial far from home but I live nearer the hospital so I can see her a lot more then the other's do. It's hard too with christmas coming I wish it wasn't because I dont know if she'll be here or do I buy her presents, these silly things keep going around in my head. I even think could I buy something for her to make it better duh nothing makes this better. I dont even get on well with my brothers and sister so it makes things difficult. Then there is my dad will this mean the end for him too. I suppose the only good thing I have here is that I see a counsellor for other problems in my life so at least I have her to help me through.
Thanks again for your advice it def helped me out

Majella

sobriquet

Hi OP. I'm very sorry for you, you're going to go through a very tough time.

I lost my mother about five months ago after a long and hard battle with cancer. My father is just recovering from his cancer, indeed had an MRI today. When she was very ill (she was initially given 24 hours, but survived nearly a full year past that diagnosis), I gave up work and moved home to assist her and my father. Whilst she was ill, she missed her only daughters wedding, wouldn't let it be postponed. Their honeymoon was canceled and when they finally got away, my sister wished she hadn't gone.

I'd recommend postponing the holiday. From what I know of my own experience, and those others have discussed with me, any terminal diagnosis carries with it a lot of variables. Better keep things loose. That said, your doctor will give you more accurate info of course. A possibility: could you get away for a few days somewhere in Ireland? Spend time with your husband but be able to return if necessary is what I mean.

Beyond that, I'd echo everything Lawless_Samurai has said. Just read that last update. For the record, I'm 25 and my mother was a similar age to yours. It's going to be very tough, but you will get through it. Best of luck, and I'd like to offer that if you want you can PM me should you feel so inclined. Take care.

ruskin

Hi people. I don't really have any advice to give on this, I just wanted to say to the OP and others who have lost parents here, that I'm deeply sorry for what you and your families have gone, and are going through and I will remember you in my prayers. God bless and take care.

Firetrap

OP, I'm very sorry to hear about your mother. I've technically lost mine because she's gone into the advanced stages of Alzheimer's disease (she's the same age as yours). I hope you get to spend some quality time with your mother and that she's happy and comfortable.

Like the others, I'd recommend you postpone your holiday. If something bad did happen while you were away, Thailand is a long way away. One of the most comforting things for people is that they've no regrets. It's probably hard for you to look too far into the future but don't forget that Thailand will still be there long after we're dead and gone and that hopefully you will get to go there perhaps next year or the year after. The suggestion of taking a short break in Ireland is a good one.

All I can say to you is that you'll discover that you're a stronger person than you think you are. You will cope with your mother's illness and the family stuff. Going to a counsellor might not be a bad idea - the great thing about a counsellor is that they don't have a vested interest in what you do and as well as being an ear for your troubles, might be able to give you some suggestions as to how to deal with your family.

So sorry to hear this Jelly.

Lawless_Samurai

I'm really happy to hear thats what you decided to do jella. I meant to say in my origanal message that if you want to ask me any questions or advice in anything just PM me.

I know I'm a little younger then you and I don't mean to insult you by offering my help because I genuinely mean it. Its just I've been in your position so any way I could help I'd love to.

Just to reply to the Xmas situation... Three years ago my mother had to undergo surgery two or three days before Xmas and they're was a 60-70% chance she wouldn't be strong enough for it. It was an unbelievable situation to be in but my dad still brought us out for our family day of Xmas shopping (we do this every year, it was something my mam started) and we shopped for presents for my along with everyone else.

Although it was hard seeing her connected to wires etc it was still special having my mam on Xmas day and the opening of her presents in the hospital made it that bit more enjoyable.

I'm not trying to tell you what to do, just sharing my experiences in the hope they help.

Jella17

Thanks everyone for your replies.
Today I spoke to the doctor myself, previously my information came from other family members. He said today she has a 50/50 chance of surviving. If she gets past the next few weeks without complications her chances get better. Drink caused this problem and if she lives the next few weeks and stays away from drink it is possible she will pull through. Her liver could still recover but she could die from complications because she cant get enough nutrition in her and she could get infections where they drain the fluid etc. So here I am again confused! and I wonder how my aunts thought she'd be lucky to make six months. I guess everyone picks up the doc their own way.....As for the holiday i'll see as we have insurance and if she takes a turn for the worst in the next few weeks i can still cancel.
Thanks again
Majella

AngryBadger

Hi OP,I'm really really sorry to hear about your mother, and I think you're making the right choice cancelling the holiday.

cance

so, so sorry to hear that OP.

is it too late to take out insurance?

echosound

Jella sorry to hear about your mum. Don't get upset now about who took what up wrong from the doc, just be happy that her chances are looking better. I've been through it twice with my PIL, although thankfully both have made recoveries from their illnesses. Both times we had the trauma of going through possible cancer diagnoses, then finding out it was not as serious as first thought by docs or by family members who took the info at worst possible prognosis, and announced they had only a few months to live. Everyone is in shock when this happens, and sometimes people only hear one or two things and can't take in the rest and come up with the worst possible scenario.

As for the holiday, I know you've not had one in ages, but if you go, you won't be able to enjoy yourself if you are worrying about your mum sick at home. Trust me, being far away from your family at times like this is a huge stress. I was in Africa many years ago when I got a call relayed from my parents (very isolated area) about a consultation my dad had gone for while I was away, again, cancer was thrown up as a possible diagnosis, all I wanted for the entire two weeks I was there was to book the next flight home and to hell with how much it cost, but couldn't avail of any flights until the one I had originally booked as none were scheduled. I spent the entire two weeks frantically worrying about my dad, and didn't enjoy my holiday one bit.
Luckily again, he was ok and made a ful recovery, but it was not a pleasant experience.

For the moment, be there for your mum and for your dad too who is going to need you, spend as much time as you can with her, postpone the holiday til next year, when you are sure you can go on it without worrying about what is happening back home - I hope your mum makes a good recovery and you can go off in peace knowing you can relax and enjoy your hols.

Best wishes to you and your family.Hope your mum does well and responds to treatment.
To the other posters who have lost a parent (or both) - Lawlesssamurai, Sobriquet, I am sorry for your loss too, and firetrap,sorry to hear about your mum too, it's a heartbreaking disease, I've seen friends of mine suffer through it with their parents and it's so sad.

LegacyUser

Hi OP, I'm sorry to hear your news. My sister was in the same predicament you're in right now...whether to go away or not while a parent is ill. My sister had booked a trip to Oz, but in the meantime we discovered our father had terminal cancer. He had six months to a year left. My sister was due to leave for Oz two months after the diagnosis and like you was in a heap. Just like your mother, my father told her to go. He didn't want to be the reason she stayed at home. So she went and luckily nothing happened to our father while she was away.
From the sounds of it, your mother wants life for herself and everyone around her to carry on as normal. It's tough being diagnosed with a serious or terminal illness, but I think it can be made even tougher if everyone around you treats you differently because of it (just the impression I garnered when my father was ill). Try and live as 'normally' as possible, maybe stick to your plans as much as you can.