Depression raises it's ugly head

LegacyUser

Well that's it really, I can see the ugly face of depression looking me in the eye once more, and it scares the hell out of me. I've worked very hard over the last nine or ten years to try and combat this, but occasionally it rolls around again, and this time I can feel myself sliding deeper than I have in a very long time.

In the last year, year and a half I've gotten a fiance and moved to a new town to be with him. I've a crappy job but that shouldn't matter, right? I'm with the love of my life. So why am I finding it so difficult to be happy? I mean, I can laugh and tell jokes when I need to - that's me, the big joker. But behind it, all the time is this feeling like I'm almost naseous all the time, there's just so much hopelessness squashed down inside me. I'm getting angry more and more easily, and finding really stupid reasons to pick fights with my partner. We haven't had sex in months 'cos I just can't get up the energy - my libido is about the same level as that of a dead coral. Probably less, as a coral would have something having sex in/on it.

Most of my friends are in my old town, but I have made friends here, so that's really no excuse. But I seem to find ways to avoid seeing them more than the socially acceptable minimum.

I'm supposed to be planning a wedding, but I'm procrastinating to a PhD level - it's incredible how easy it is to put stuff off even when you know you really can't afford to leave it slide.

I find myself confiding less and less of even mundane things with my friends. I used have a big problem with letting people get close (if they're close they can hurt you) but I thought I had it under control. Is the run-up to my wedding really the best time for this to start affecting me again?

Also, I think I may be developing an eating disorder. I need to lose wait (my doctor says so) but I find myself skippibng meals and then luxuriating in the feeling of control it gives me. I'm sure this is because the rest of my life feels like it's spiralling out of control and I need to hold onto something, but I'm terrified. I'm really having difficulty eating the bare minimum. I'm starting to get very faint in work, and what little energy and patience I had is rapidly slipping away.


Thank you for reading. Apologies for the length of the post, I just needed to get this stuff off my chest.

Dudess

Well at least you know what's going on - unfortunately you've learned the hard way what this means, but it's good to have such knowledge. People often post here and describe exactly what you have, but wonder what the hell is going wrong with them. Therefore, there really isn't a whole lot we can say other than please, please make an appointment to see a doctor/psychiatrist - just saying all of this to him or her will be greatly therapeutic for you, and they can decide whether you need to go on a course of anti-depressants.

Best wishes...

Nevyn

Well you have been doen thie road before and you know how crippling it can be so don't wait until it gets really bad.

WindSock

You also sound really bored with your life (crappy job, fewer friends etc) It's not worth hating your life for the sake of love, it will end in tears if you aren't happy. Perhaps you should try going for a job you would enjoy that is more you, and maybe it will lead you to socialising with more people to help you from crawling inside yourself.

How Strange

OP, you def seem to be sliding into a depression alright. Maybe try to diversify your life - take up an evening course, volunteer for a charity, join a gym, take up a sport (walking, jogging) - but start building up your own life in this new place. You have to start actively working against these negative feelings. You seem to know all this yourself but don't just passively accept that you are getting depressed.

IMO, the food control is a major sign that something in your life is beyond your control. You seem to know all this yourself but I've seen first hand what eating disorders and depression can lead to and its not pretty. Try to address this situation immediately and get professional help if necesssary.

Real depression (that big black hole that you can't get out of) is truly awful but I do believe that we can help ourselves to keep it at bay once we know a) that we are vulnerable to it, b) we recognise the warning signs and c) we fight it every day until it has been beaten back.

Apologies for the dramatics. I think from your post that you are past the first two points but you are giving into it to some degree. There are probably a lot more contributing factors that you haven't mentioned in your post, these things are rarely simple, but my advice would be to get out there and start doing things for YOU.

You moved to this place with your fiance and gave up your own life. This is traumatic and shouldn't be underestimated. You need to talk to your fiance about this and maybe stall the wedding plans until you feel more positive about it.

The_Scary_Man

Giving_up wrote: »

Well that's it really, I can see the ugly face of depression looking me in the eye once more, and it scares the hell out of me. I've worked very hard over the last nine or ten years to try and combat this, but occasionally it rolls around again, and this time I can feel myself sliding deeper than I have in a very long time.

In the last year, year and a half I've gotten a fiance and moved to a new town to be with him. I've a crappy job but that shouldn't matter, right? I'm with the love of my life. So why am I finding it so difficult to be happy? I mean, I can laugh and tell jokes when I need to - that's me, the big joker. But behind it, all the time is this feeling like I'm almost naseous all the time, there's just so much hopelessness squashed down inside me. I'm getting angry more and more easily, and finding really stupid reasons to pick fights with my partner. We haven't had sex in months 'cos I just can't get up the energy - my libido is about the same level as that of a dead coral. Probably less, as a coral would have something having sex in/on it.

Most of my friends are in my old town, but I have made friends here, so that's really no excuse. But I seem to find ways to avoid seeing them more than the socially acceptable minimum.

I'm supposed to be planning a wedding, but I'm procrastinating to a PhD level - it's incredible how easy it is to put stuff off even when you know you really can't afford to leave it slide.

I find myself confiding less and less of even mundane things with my friends. I used have a big problem with letting people get close (if they're close they can hurt you) but I thought I had it under control. Is the run-up to my wedding really the best time for this to start affecting me again?

Also, I think I may be developing an eating disorder. I need to lose wait (my doctor says so) but I find myself skippibng meals and then luxuriating in the feeling of control it gives me. I'm sure this is because the rest of my life feels like it's spiralling out of control and I need to hold onto something, but I'm terrified. I'm really having difficulty eating the bare minimum. I'm starting to get very faint in work, and what little energy and patience I had is rapidly slipping away.


Thank you for reading. Apologies for the length of the post, I just needed to get this stuff off my chest.

Hi Giving_Up

It sounds as if you are having a tough time at the moment finding a balance between finding the energy to plan your wedding and all the stuff that goes with it and taking time out to take care of yourself. You say you're a joker and I can see that in your post, even as you express the pain you are feeling and your sense of hopelessness around it you throw little jokes in every now and then to take the reader off the hook.

It's kind of like saying 'Yeah I'm having some problems at the moment but look I can laugh about it so you don't really have to worry about me, I just needed to get it off my chest.' I recognise this pattern well, I still slip into it myself from time to time. When I do it its as if I feel that even though my problems are huge to me they must surely seem minuscule to someone looking at them objectively but if you've been through depression before and beaten it then you know that if it is important to you then it is important regardless of what others think. When you say that you confide less and less in your friends it again strikes me that you seem to think of your pain as insignificant and unworthy of the attention and compassion of others.

You also say that you are planning a wedding at the moment. No wonder you are feeling exhausted and insecure, that must be a seriously stressful piece of work. All the pressures and expectations that come with it not only from a logistical point of view but also around self-image and control issues. These must all weigh on you and when you can't express them to anybody or find the time or energy to give those worries and concerns the time and space they need then they just feed on themselves and spiral around in your mind. You're energy is low at the moment because you are spending so much of it fighting to keep the things you want to express, the things you want people to hear and acknowledge pushed down.

You have been through this before and beaten it so you know that it is almost impossible to deal with this level of depression on your own. You may not believe this at the moment but;

You are worthy of other people's compassion and attention!
Your problems and concerns are not insignificant. If they are important to you then they are important!

I would hope that you would talk to a counsellor or your doctor about these feelings and give them a chance to be aired and seen in a helpful and safe environment. I really hope things get better for you, you deserve it after all the work you've done to get where you are.

Take Care.

LegacyUser

Hi OP

Depression is, as "Howstrange" says, truly awful, and there are a number of things we can do, if we're that way inclined, to limit its effects and perhaps chase it off at the pass sometimes, like seeing our shrinks, like talking to people, like eating sensible diets, and getting enough sleep and taking good care of our bodies. But it can't simply be fought off like a fire or a any physical entity.
Self awareness can bring a lot of relief and armour you against it sometimes.
I have dallied and danced with depression myself for years too and I sympathise. I also have been in and out of eating disorders too, it's a common dual existence, or other addictive compulsive behaviors too. One thing I would say though is that no matter how controlled you feel because of controllling your eating, it's just an illusion of control and makes the depression worse, your loss of libido is probably hugely to do with this too as you already know, your body needs nourishment. Anyhow as other people have already said, you already know most of the ins and outs of it and seems like you know the why's pretty much...I sympathise with you lots because I know that hopeless sliding feeling. Hope you find some releif and help soon. It's a scary thing, depression, and a huge topic with many different causes and types. Personally, seeing a shrink and talking my issues out, a sensible diet and running four times a week, and laughing with friends as much as I can has stabilised mine for the most part. Sometimes when I drink too much it crashes back in, I don't know if that's something you might think would affect you at all, but ,even if you're not prone to depression alcohol is a depressant (sorry if I'm stating the way way obvious here but we Irish tend to overlook that, and sometimes a nation of dpressed people is all I can see when I rad the statistics...) so if you're prone to it and drink, it's worse than it could be. Anyways, best of luck with things hope you feel better soon.

LegacyUser

Thank you all.

Seriously, I'm fighting tears as I type this, I really really appreciate everything that's been said here.

For some time now I've felt like I'm standing back and observing myself from a distance. I can see what's going on and I know where it's headed. As a few of you have noted, I'm not new to this, so I know what to do. I think my lack of action on it is 'cos I'm afraid to admit that I'm in this place again.

I was offered medication for this in the past but I refused both times. Probably that was a bad decision, but it worked out those times. I haven't been to a psychiatrist in this town, I guess I should really go about finding one. I just hate having to admit to myself that I need help, I've always had a problem relying on others.

Strangefruit, thanks for the suggestions. I've taken up swimming again 'cos I need to do a low impact sport as I have crappy joints. As for alcohol, it's not really an issue as I rarely drink. There's a history of alcoholism in my family, I've seen it destroy too many people to want to go down that road.

Anyway, once again you can see that I know what's going on, I'm just too chicken to do anything about it. Thanks again for al the support and understanding you guys have given me - it means a lot.

LegacyUser

oh you poor thing I really feel for you. Ive been in that black pit before and its truely not a nice place.

But look on the positive here, you say you know what it is. Any idea how much that helps? Your acknowledging something is wrong, know what it is and want to combat it. Thats huge. Hold onto that motivation, you need it. The most important thing in defeating depression is knowing you have a want and a thirst to defeat it.

Go see your GP, let him refer you to a psychiatrist or a counsellor. I highly recommend counselling, there is nothing so great as being able to sit and talk about yourself for an hour to someone who will listen, care and help.

Depression is tough, but its so treatable. You can move on, you will move on. Your going through a rogh patch, stressed about the wedding, living somewhere new, unrewarding job. Having one of these things is enough to send some people spiralling. Feel no shame in struggling with all.

Im quoting The Scary Man here because his words are good and you should read them again

You are worthy of other people's compassion and attention!
Your problems and concerns are not insignificant. If they are important to you then they are important!

Dudess

Giving_Up wrote: »

For some time now I've felt like I'm standing back and observing myself from a distance.

Classic symptom of depression - that sense of "detachment".

I can see what's going on and I know where it's headed. As a few of you have noted, I'm not new to this, so I know what to do. I think my lack of action on it is 'cos I'm afraid to admit that I'm in this place again.

Please, you've GOT to seek professional help NOW! You feel bad enough as it is, don't let it get worse. I know it's difficult to accept it's happening again, but you know only too well what use ignoring it is.

I was offered medication for this in the past but I refused both times. Probably that was a bad decision, but it worked out those times. I haven't been to a psychiatrist in this town, I guess I should really go about finding one. I just hate having to admit to myself that I need help, I've always had a problem relying on others.

Well you haven't needed medication so far, but if it's happening again, maybe a professional will be more insistent. I'm not a medical professional so I couldn't possibly say what the correct measures for you would be but there are mild anti-depressants (such as Cipramil). Anti-depressants aren't always drugs that you become really dependent on with severe side-effects. The milder ones in a low dosage simply give you a "lift" and the rest is up to yourself. So keep an open mind when it comes to the question of medication. And you HAVE admitted that you need help. Speaking to a professional is not being reliant on others. This is a situation where you can only help yourself to a certain degree. Are you a plumber? If not, then if you have a burst pipe, I presume you'll call the plumber. Sorry for the crude analogy but the point is: you're not an expert in psychiatry so you can't possibly look after this problem without the help of someone who is.
I'm so confident you'll feel a whole lot better if you get the help you need asap.

The_Scary_Man

Giving_Up wrote: »

I just hate having to admit to myself that I need help, I've always had a problem relying on others.

And sometimes thats the hardest part especially if we've been let down in the past. Better to hold it in and deal with the pain than risk opening up and being vulnerable in front of someone who might bail out as soon as the going gets tough. Thats why going to a professional is such a good option. They are trained to be with you and support you as you deal with whatever it is that is causing you such suffering. We are brought up to think that its weak to ask for help but I bet if one of your friends needed support you'd be the first to offer it, why not apply that same caring to yourself and make time and space for your worries and problems.

Anyway, once again you can see that I know what's going on, I'm just too chicken to do anything about it.

It may not mean much to have a stranger say this but I don't see any signs that you are 'chicken' at all. It might not seem like it but you are moving forward and out of this state already. You have faced and named what it is you are dealing with; depression. Thats no small feat, believe me. This bit had to be done before you could choose a course of action and thats where you are at the moment, weighing up your options. These might seem like little things at the moment but in terms of healing they represent a major part of the process, namely; taking responsibility for your own wellbeing.

Mind yourself.