Argh! Why can't I be more like me

relationshiprob

Hello,

This is a pretty long winded story, so I'll keep it as short and sweet as possible. I met this girl four years ago, within a matter of weeks I was infatuated with her. She is smart, kind, beautiful, intelligent, caring, considerate, gentle..

In the past I have tried to make attempts (feeble ones) at building up a relationship on a talking basis. But I can barely hold a simple conversation with her because she makes my mouth dry, and I act like an idiot because at the time I think it will 'impress' her, how foolish eh? The problem is I can't help acting stupid in front of her.

In reality I'm a really nice person with a good group friends and a solid background. Twice I made 'attempts' to ask her out, on a casual occasion. Something like the cinema or whatever.. She was busy, with pre-arranged plans both times. Although I didn't get a negative feeling from her response.

But now my confidence is totally gone, whereas a year ago I could hold up a simple conversation I can barely barely say hello, how are you, how are things..

It's driving me mad! Over the time I've known her she has had about 2-3 boyfriends.

Please if any advice can be given, tips or whatnot on building up confidence to try again, because I can't let her go until I get a definitive 'no' or 'not interested'.. But I know I can't get a definitive answer without showing her the true me..

Thanks for reading

jdivision

To be honest two attempts to ask her out and she had preplanned events each time sounds like she's not interested. Virtually everybody goes through it and you'll find somebody else you like in the same way and hopefully she'll like you back

relationshiprob

I know thats how it looks but I feel like I really need to try for one last time. But this time make a clean clear effort, after building up a talking relationship then I'll know for sure.

Because the 2 previous times it was also under awkward circumstances

bronte

Maybe next time you could say "Hey I'd love to take you out sometime.."

Maybe let her give you a suitable time...and see what goes from there.

azezil

jdivision wrote: »

To be honest two attempts to ask her out and she had preplanned events each time sounds like she's not interested. Virtually everybody goes through it and you'll find somebody else you like in the same way and hopefully she'll like you back

Yeah I have to agree with this, the fact that she didn't suggest another time speaks volumes!

Blisterman

Four years? Let it go. Seriously.

jubi lee

if she liked you, she would have given you an alternative date to go out with her after she had pre arrnaged plans on both times you asked her. the fact she didn't do this suggests she's not interested. Leave her be and move on...

Seraphina

i have to agree. four years? no offence but you sound like a total stalker. find someone else.

if after four years, you still cant talk to her properly, what the **** do you think is gonna happen if you manage to actually ask her out and she says yes?

an incredibly awkward date of you not being able to talk or acting the idiot and her sitting there bored...

edit : how the hell can you even claim to have a 'relationshiprob' ? you dont even have ANY kind of relationship with this girl, not even a loose friendship by the sounds of it...

Ayla

Easy there posters...have none of your ever had any fear of asking someone out? Have none of you ever liked someone so much that you're scared to talk to them?

OP, what you're experiencing is, in my opinion, completely normal and natural. You like someone, you're nervous that you'll look like a twit so you over-compensate by acting the moran/arse around her. But, as you say, you can't know for sure if she's interested unless you reveal a bit of your true colours.

Can I ask what age you are? Have you had relationships before?

Racking up the courage to ask someone out is amazingly hard but can be rewarding. But if you do try a third and final time, make sure it's something along the lines of "would you like to go to the cinema sometime?" instead of "would you like to go out on Friday night?". That way you'll know if she really wants to go out b/c she can say "yeah, sure, I'd love to...when?" and can't use the excuse of being busy.

Don't listen to the wharped and cynical posters who call you a stalker...you're just nervous (and anyone who matters has been there before).

Blisterman

Blisterman wrote: »

Four years? Let it go. Seriously.

Sorry to be blunt but I have to agree.



Either make your move or move on, why would u sit in limbo for 4 years? What are you scared of? She's only a human, she's no different to the rest fo them and if u dont ask then ul never get her so the idea of her sying no shouldnt scare u since u arent gonna get her anyway unless u ask. So asking her PROPERLY is the only way to go. Ask her....she will say yes or no and then life goes on.

Seraphina

Ayla wrote: »

Easy there posters...have none of your ever had any fear of asking someone out? Have none of you ever liked someone so much that you're scared to talk to them?

OP, what you're experiencing is, in my opinion, completely normal and natural. You like someone, you're nervous that you'll look like a twit so you over-compensate by acting the moran/arse around her.
Don't listen to the wharped and cynical posters who call you a stalker...you're just nervous (and anyone who matters has been there before).

normally i'd agree with you. but if after FOUR YEARS the guy still cant talk to her, then there's no hope.

aidan24326

There's only one solution isn't there? And you know what it is. Ask her out for gods sake. Properly. As for talking to her, come on now it's not that difficult. You've built this up in your head to the point where you've made a mountain out of a molehill. You're only asking a girl out, she won't bite you either way. The absolute worst that can happen is she's not interested and will brush you off, at least then you'll know for sure and can forget about it.

Ask her out without specifying a day. Tell her you think she's a really nice girl and ask her if she'd like to come out for a drink/dinner/whatever 'sometime'. You've met and spoken with her before so it's not like you're some random stranger. If she's still 'busy' or being evasive then fair enough you'll have your answer. Hopefully she'll tell you straight either way.

Marksie

Ayla wrote: »

Easy there posters...have none of your ever had any fear of asking someone out? Have none of you ever liked someone so much that you're scared to talk to them?

Absolutely, but not for 4 years.

OP: That is a totally excessive length of time to be obsessing about someone (and yes i chose the word with care). An infatuation may last weeks but not 4 years plus and this despite the fact she is getting on with her life and forming relationships.

To be honest I would forget about dating her, buts asking myself why I was in such a condition for so long.
I dont believe its lack of confidence after all this time its something deeper OP.

aidan24326

OP maybe you have built this girl up into some sort of superwoman in your mind, to the point where you are now afraid to even speak with her as she seems somehow out of reach. You have to remember that however beautiful or great you think she is she's just another ordinary person like the rest of us at the back of it. You can't speak to her 'normally' unless you start treating her as an equal, as just a girl that you like.

But I agree with Marksie that 4 years is along time to be obsessing about one girl and it isn't healthy. To that end you have to either ask her out and put it to bed once and for all, or for fecks sake forget about her otherwise.

Blisterman

Blisterman wrote: »

Four years? Let it go. Seriously.

+1
4 years is far too long to obsess over someone, and you have been obsessing

Oryx

Sounds like you have this girl on quite a pedestal. But I promise you she wakes up with a bed-head, slurps soup and grumbles from time to time, just like the rest of us. Im afraid when you see the normal, real, her you may be bitterly dissappointed.

I think the only reason you want her so bad, is precisely because youve been obsessed for such a long time, and youve lost perspective. As an impartial bystander, Id say the healthiest thing you could do is, from today, decide not to pursue her anymore. Move on to other things and other people. There will come a day when you will meet her, say hi, and wonder what in the hell you ever thought was so impeccable about her.