Out of serious relationship

coolhandc

any help appreciated.my gf broke up with me 2 months ago and we were going out for 4 and a half years.we have stayed good friends and she says that sometime in the future we could get back together if i changed some things although she says herself that she cant see that happening.
im the one thats always texting her,planning when to see each other again.i dont want to leave what we had coz i love her so im trying to get her back.
all my friends tell me the best way to get her back is play hard to get.
i cant do this.
i feel like wen i have good news shes the first person i want to tell so i text her.i also want to know how her day is going and i want to be there for her if she needs to talk to anyone.
so i cant not text her. but i was thinking, is it a good idea for me to be texting her all the time?weve ended up fighting alot recently because even as a friend she isnt being there for me,she says shes trying to deal with all of this her own way.
should i tell her i dont want to talk to her for a few weeks/months? (and hope that the distance will make her miss me) she told me she doesnt want to not talk to me and got upset when i told her.
i know im getting nowhere texting her all the time,but at least were keeping in touch,and it makes the whole breakup thing less real,but its all wrecking my head because i live every single day hoping that she will text me wanting to get back or something!

any advice appreciated...

_blank_

coolhandc wrote: »

we could get back together if i changed some things although she says herself that she cant see that happening.

Let it go.

Find a girl who likes you for who you are, not someone who wants to change you to some drone that she's always dreamed of having.

Let her go and find that person.

You clearly don't have all the qualities she wants or needs. Accept this, break contact, and get on with your life.

Cathmandooo

I agree with the above. You shouldnt have to change, you sound like you have been a nice caring boyfriend. Quit her cold turkey, its truely the only way to go! It's really hard in the short term but worth it in the end based on my past experience anyway! You'll get over wanting to text her and tell her everything. Hang out with your friends and tell them everything, someone else will come along.

Lawless_Samurai

I second everything Cathooo is saying above. Cold turkey sounds like your best option and I know its **** now but things will improve

coolhandc

thanks for the replys,i know what your saying about being myself and not having to change and stuff but the thing is, i became a completely different person the last few months,although not now,and she thought i was drinking too much (he dad was an alcoholic so theres a history there).so i have no problem changing a few things,because i know myself im not what i should be,and i stopped appreciating our relationship a while ago so i have to take responsibility for what happened. shes also a really nice person too,shes not in anyway mean or anything,shes a keeper and i wanna fight for her...

Gyalist

I know that it's not what you want to hear but you really have to move on.

Write down her number and put it somewhere secure and delete it from your phone. Cut all contact with her and move on. Don't put your life on hold for her because she will meet someone new (if she hasn't already) and you would've wasted your time waiting for her.

Wibbs

If you're changing in ways that you feel yourself you need to change for you and that is the same thing she wants, then fine. Move on, let her go and if she actually loves you then she'll see that down the line and you never know.

That said, don't rely on that and she may have been using the changes as an excuse or explanation for something else.

In any case, anything that makes you better for yourself will make you better for anyone that you decide to share your life with so either way it's a good result.

LegacyUser

I'm in a somewhat similar situation to the OP and let me tell you that the guys above are offering the best advice.

It's tough - I know. She's the first one you think of tell when something good happens. You see a good movie you think "oh X would love this', you hear a new band you think 'Got to tell X to check them out'.

But you have to let it go. Seriously delete her number, write it down somewhere first and then get it off your phone. No drunken desperate texts. No pleading phone calls. Keep busy. Tell your friends to be tough with you when needed and ask them to allow you to moan and grumble to them when needed too.

Remember - you deserve someone who wants you for you. You don't deserve to be strung along on half-promises of 'we might get back together'. Even if she means it in the nicest way and maybe even believes it herself it's only going to hurt you and take you longer to get over her if you believe that you might get back together at some point.

Take this from someone who has been there (and is still there in many respects). You have to break away from her.

You've been fighting because she hasn't been there for you as a friend? Unfortunately this is not something that you can expect at this time. The very person that has hurt you can't comfort you properly. It doesn't work that way I'm afraid.

curiousxxx1

OP, what is your real name? You describe her exactly like my ex would describe me except in our case we dated for 5 years and broke up about 10months ago.

My opinion, there is a reason why you are EX obviously things didn't work out. I think you need to give her time, i bet you she thinks of you everyday but then she made her bed and wants to lie on it. Believe me if you are meant to be then you would be but for now just let her be... she might be going through a lot and isn't ready for a relationship mentally, physically or emotionally...
Goodluck and keep us posted

profguy

When you hear she's been shagging some new bloke, - and you will.

Do you want to put yourself through that? I did, and i very nearly killed myself.

Put yourself first mate, let her go.

Remember, if you let something you love go, of your own free will, and it comes back to you, it's yours forever.

And if she doesn't come back, you'll meet somebody else.

coolhandc

coolhandc wrote: »

any help appreciated.my gf broke up with me 2 months ago and we were going out for 4 and a half years.we have stayed good friends and she says that sometime in the future we could get back together if i changed some things although she says herself that she cant see that happening.
im the one thats always texting her,planning when to see each other again.i dont want to leave what we had coz i love her so im trying to get her back.
all my friends tell me the best way to get her back is play hard to get.
i cant do this.
i feel like wen i have good news shes the first person i want to tell so i text her.i also want to know how her day is going and i want to be there for her if she needs to talk to anyone.
so i cant not text her. but i was thinking, is it a good idea for me to be texting her all the time?weve ended up fighting alot recently because even as a friend she isnt being there for me,she says shes trying to deal with all of this her own way.
should i tell her i dont want to talk to her for a few weeks/months? (and hope that the distance will make her miss me) she told me she doesnt want to not talk to me and got upset when i told her.
i know im getting nowhere texting her all the time,but at least were keeping in touch,and it makes the whole breakup thing less real,but its all wrecking my head because i live every single day hoping that she will text me wanting to get back or something!

any advice appreciated...

Listen man, ill be blunt. U need to, for the time being at least, cut off all contactt and work towards getting over her. You should have more respect for yourself than to allow her to dictate to u who she wanst u to be. If she doesnt like you for who you are now then walk away, lifes too short Dont ever be somebodys chump.

Textin her all the time lets her think she has control over u and in turen she knows she can do whatever she wanst and u will be there.

Basically ur living in dreamland. ur a single guy but u basically arent. Id wager a lot of money that u would turn down other girls advances cos ur harbouring hope she'll be abck while in the meantime Id bet even more money that she doesnt do the same. Maybe Im wrong but I dont think so.


I know it feels like u cant live without her and shes "the one" but in my experience thats bull and that point of view is reinforced by the fact that she treated u like that. "The one" (if u believe in that sort of thing) is someone who is made for u so to speak, someone who understands u and treats u with respect and appreciates who you are. Accept the fact that u are single and give yourself time and space to deal with that. U cant cling onto ur ex hoping she'll take u back, its not healthy.

Blackpitts

hey OP, I'm sorry but you need to accept the truth...few girls are changing their minds when they break up a relationship, so move on, it will be tough at the beginning but you'll be fine soon...it's better to feel the pain now than a slow death...

Wibbs

Blackpitts wrote: »

hey OP, I'm sorry but you need to accept the truth...few girls are changing their minds when they break up a relationship

Very true and half the time it's how the guy acts after the breakup that seals the deal in their heads. Basically what you're doing. Txting her, chasing her and I would imagine there was a fair bit of pleading too. All needy behaviour that'll lose her respect for you. No pleading you will or have changed either as she'l just see that as you operating out of panic and she'l wonder why the hell you didn't do anything before, when her heart was stil in the relationship. All of which are guaranteed to confirm her decision. A decision that given the length of your relationship has been made for a while. Don't be too surprised if she meets somebody new very quickly as in her head she was gone months ago.

Break all contact and move on, because if you don't you, won't move on and she won't come back even if there was a chance of that.

coolhandc

hey folks,thanks for all the good advice.the only thing that would worry me about ceasing all contact,is that if i give up fighting for it,then it will definately be over for good.although if its meant to be its meant to be and she will come back to me if she misses me.

if she texts me,should i reply?she wants to be my friend and has said lots of times that she couldnt not have me in her life,but im nly doing myself damage as some of you have said,plus as you all said she has control of the whole situation,the only way to change that is if i stop contacting her.should i tell her that its not a good idea to contact each other or should i just stop,and when she texts me just reply and let that be that?

wibbs your completely right,since we broke up i have been a different person,partly because i dont know how to handle everything that were going through,and also i am trying maybe to hard to get her back.

neil where you said...."Basically ur living in dreamland. ur a single guy but u basically arent. Id wager a lot of money that u would turn down other girls advances cos ur harbouring hope she'll be abck while in the meantime Id bet even more money that she doesnt do the same. Maybe Im wrong but I dont think so."
i think that if i was to go out and look for girls it would be good considering it would take my mind off it,ive nothing to be guilty of coz were broken up,but we had been going out together since just turning 17 and 4 and a half years later i feel like im starting fresh,ive been trying to talk to girls in clubs and that,but as you will read of girls opinions on boards,thats not the best place to do it.plus ive only 1 day off a week from work i dont have time to be going out as much as i would if i was in college ya know?!

shes not the kind of girl that would go out and ride every guy,we were first loves and all the rest,and i know shes not happy at the moment even though shes not showing it shes just really strong.

thanks for all the replies...
ps curious xxx1 my real name is ciaran,your name isnt ruth by any chance?!!

coolhandc

coolhandc wrote: »

hey folks,thanks for all the good advice.the only thing that would worry me about ceasing all contact,is that if i give up fighting for it,then it will definately be over for good.although if its meant to be its meant to be and she will come back to me if she misses me.

if she texts me,should i reply?she wants to be my friend and has said lots of times that she couldnt not have me in her life,but im nly doing myself damage as some of you have said,plus as you all said she has control of the whole situation,the only way to change that is if i stop contacting her.should i tell her that its not a good idea to contact each other or should i just stop,and when she texts me just reply and let that be that?

wibbs your completely right,since we broke up i have been a different person,partly because i dont know how to handle everything that were going through,and also i am trying maybe to hard to get her back.

neil where you said...."Basically ur living in dreamland. ur a single guy but u basically arent. Id wager a lot of money that u would turn down other girls advances cos ur harbouring hope she'll be abck while in the meantime Id bet even more money that she doesnt do the same. Maybe Im wrong but I dont think so."
i think that if i was to go out and look for girls it would be good considering it would take my mind off it,ive nothing to be guilty of coz were broken up,but we had been going out together since just turning 17 and 4 and a half years later i feel like im starting fresh,ive been trying to talk to girls in clubs and that,but as you will read of girls opinions on boards,thats not the best place to do it.plus ive only 1 day off a week from work i dont have time to be going out as much as i would if i was in college ya know?!

shes not the kind of girl that would go out and ride every guy,we were first loves and all the rest,and i know shes not happy at the moment even though shes not showing it shes just really strong.

thanks for all the replies...
ps curious xxx1 my real name is ciaran,your name isnt ruth by any chance?!!

Id say u tell her that u cant do the friends thing yet. That lets her know that she shouldnt contact you and that u wont be contacting her, but at the same time she knows why and she isnt left wondering and thus it doesnt create a rift. Say to her "I need a bit of space alone to help myself get used to being single again" as opposed to "Im still hopelessly in love with you and every second I spend with you hurts me so bad". Because IF theres any chance of u and her getting back then that kind of lovesick behaviour makes that chance smaller and smaller every day. U at the moment are in danger of becomming the annoying ex. Go about ur life independant of her. Girls are attracted to men who are strong, respect themselves, are independant and are able to think for themselves (initially, they then once they get these guys try to chance them into weak, needy yes men :D) so show her that u are who u are are and if she really loves u and wants u she will come and get u.



To be honest mate the term "if you love something, let it go, if it comes back to you its yours, if it doesnt it never was" was one of the truest phrases ever muttered.


Relax, take a step back from this, if she wants u she'll come get u, if not she wont. Focus on something else and let time heal. Then if u feel u need to, text her in a month or 2 and ask her how shes been.

Semele

As others have said, you need to try to move on with your life and that means cutting off contact with her until you accept that its over. If you get back together in future then great, but maybe's are not something to build a life upon. The cruellest thing a person can do when leaving someone is leave them with that sort of hope. I know your girlfriend probably didn't do this intentionally to keep you hanging on as a safety net in case the single life is not all she hoped it would be, but the effect on you is the same as if she had- she gets to try out a whole new life in the knowledge that you will be there if it goes wrong, and you are left in limbo. Given that it was her 1st major relationship too its understandable that she may feel apprehensive about cutting loose entirely from her old way oflife, but that isn't fair on you. Although I don't think you should hold out for the possibility that she might want to get back with you, it is more likely that

a) seeing you move on and get over her may make her realise that if she wants you (ever) she will have to make a decision now or you won't still be there when she's done experimenting with being single/seeing other people and

b) taking charge of your life and living for yourself, not for the possiblity of what she may want in the future will help you overcome your own problems and will make you a more independent, focussed and thus attractive individual to be with.

Good luck, it is hard but making the decision will make it easier to bear- its the tiny ray of hope that is unbearable and stops the natural process of coming to terms with a breakup.

Maple

Its too soon to do the friends thing. Keep your distance. Of course there is going to be tension and arguments, you're both dealing with alot of emotional turmoil.

On another point, the things she wanted you to change; would it be in your best interests to change these? I mean are they harmful to you and thats why she wants you to change them? There has been alot of finger pointing at the girl saying that she doesn't accept you the way you are so get rid of her. Perhaps she has your and in turn her best interest at heart. If this is not the case, then I apologise.

coolhandc

maple wrote: »

Its too soon to do the friends thing. Keep your distance. Of course there is going to be tension and arguments, you're both dealing with alot of emotional turmoil.

On another point, the things she wanted you to change; would it be in your best interests to change these? I mean are they harmful to you and thats why she wants you to change them? There has been alot of finger pointing at the girl saying that she doesn't accept you the way you are so get rid of her. Perhaps she has your and in turn her best interest at heart. If this is not the case, then I apologise.

yes maple spot on,she does have my best interests at heart,shes been telling me for ages that she hasnt been happy with the amount i drink or the fact i dont look after my body anymore.
as i said she has a history of alcohol abuse in her family so i cant blame her for being worried,but i dont think i drink too much(anymore,yeh ive had nights were i get drunk,but im not an alcoholic or anything,alcohol has just always been a serious issue for her as you can understand)however,there has been episodes in the past,where ive drank too much as we all do...and ive fallen unconscious a number of times so shes worried that will happen again,although i promised in feb i would never let it happen again after my 21st.but shes been there for me to look after me every time its happened,shes always been worried that one day she wouldnt be there.
so i am cutting down on the amount of drink i drink when going out.instead of drinking pints anymore ive been drinking bottles of corona and i think it makes one hell of a difference!and its great,the nites not ruined and im not ridiculously hungover the next day.
then about the crap food i eat and not getting enough exercise.i go through phases of "im gona get fit" or whatver,it lasts a week and then im back eating crap takeaways most weekends.having all this free time being single i am trying to keep my mind occupied,ive started going to the gym and im gona take back up martial arts.i was doing that when we started going out and i was dead fit.im also playing astroturf twice a week.

so you cant really blame the girl.as i said shes not at all insensitive or the type that would go out and get with other lads or anything.

her breaking up with me has forced me to look at myself,partly because i never thought we would breakup and i think to be honest i stopped trying to show her why she should be with me.dont get me wrong i was a gent,and i always treated her with respect,and treated her to nights out,but i think that maybe i got into a comfort zone and got lazy or something...

curiousxxx1

coolhandc wrote: »

her breaking up with me has forced me to look at myself,partly because i never thought we would breakup and i think to be honest i stopped trying to show her why she should be with me.dont get me wrong i was a gent,and i always treated her with respect,and treated her to nights out,but i think that maybe i got into a comfort zone and got lazy or something...

Sometimes its a little too late....
When you start dating, it's weekend away, dinner, cinema, theatre e.t.c.
Afte 2/3 years its the married stage; veg out infront of the video, nights out with mates(without the other half)

coolhandc at least yous are friends with your ex so make the most of it

Maple

coolhandc wrote: »

yes maple spot on,she does have my best interests at heart,shes been telling me for ages that she hasnt been happy with the amount i drink or the fact i dont look after my body anymore.
as i said she has a history of alcohol abuse in her family so i cant blame her for being worried,but i dont think i drink too much(anymore,yeh ive had nights were i get drunk,but im not an alcoholic or anything,alcohol has just always been a serious issue for her as you can understand)however,there has been episodes in the past,where ive drank too much as we all do...and ive fallen unconscious a number of times so shes worried that will happen again,although i promised in feb i would never let it happen again after my 21st.but shes been there for me to look after me every time its happened,shes always been worried that one day she wouldnt be there.
so i am cutting down on the amount of drink i drink when going out.instead of drinking pints anymore ive been drinking bottles of corona and i think it makes one hell of a difference!and its great,the nites not ruined and im not ridiculously hungover the next day.
then about the crap food i eat and not getting enough exercise.i go through phases of "im gona get fit" or whatver,it lasts a week and then im back eating crap takeaways most weekends.having all this free time being single i am trying to keep my mind occupied,ive started going to the gym and im gona take back up martial arts.i was doing that when we started going out and i was dead fit.im also playing astroturf twice a week.

so you cant really blame the girl.as i said shes not at all insensitive or the type that would go out and get with other lads or anything.

her breaking up with me has forced me to look at myself,partly because i never thought we would breakup and i think to be honest i stopped trying to show her why she should be with me.dont get me wrong i was a gent,and i always treated her with respect,and treated her to nights out,but i think that maybe i got into a comfort zone and got lazy or something...

Ok, I can see why she would want you to change. Her background makes her understandably nervous about alcohol and while its not totally fair for her to project these worries onto you, you're only 21 and she's had to look after you while you've fallen unconscious and been too drunk to stand. She's turned from your girlfriend into your nursemaid. Falling unconscious from drink is NOT the norm. From what you've said your girlfriend has watched you turn from someone with interests and hobbies into someone who just lounges about, doesn't take care of himself and then gets ridiculously drunk who she has to mind and worry about. Its too much for a young girl to cope with.

OP, I think its great that you're getting out and exercising again and developing your own interests. You sound like a nice guy and I really hope that you and your girlfriend can work this out. But at the minute i wouldn't advocate the friends path, its too messy plus it can get confusing if you guys get physical, theres no incentive then to work it out. Best of luck.

LegacyUser

coolhandc wrote: »

hey folks,thanks for all the good advice.the only thing that would worry me about ceasing all contact,is that if i give up fighting for it,then it will definately be over for good.although if its meant to be its meant to be and she will come back to me if she misses me.

if she texts me,should i reply?she wants to be my friend and has said lots of times that she couldnt not have me in her life,but im nly doing myself damage as some of you have said,plus as you all said she has control of the whole situation,the only way to change that is if i stop contacting her.should i tell her that its not a good idea to contact each other or should i just stop,and when she texts me just reply and let that be that?

wibbs your completely right,since we broke up i have been a different person,partly because i dont know how to handle everything that were going through,and also i am trying maybe to hard to get her back.

neil where you said...."Basically ur living in dreamland. ur a single guy but u basically arent. Id wager a lot of money that u would turn down other girls advances cos ur harbouring hope she'll be abck while in the meantime Id bet even more money that she doesnt do the same. Maybe Im wrong but I dont think so."
i think that if i was to go out and look for girls it would be good considering it would take my mind off it,ive nothing to be guilty of coz were broken up,but we had been going out together since just turning 17 and 4 and a half years later i feel like im starting fresh,ive been trying to talk to girls in clubs and that,but as you will read of girls opinions on boards,thats not the best place to do it.plus ive only 1 day off a week from work i dont have time to be going out as much as i would if i was in college ya know?!

shes not the kind of girl that would go out and ride every guy,we were first loves and all the rest,and i know shes not happy at the moment even though shes not showing it shes just really strong.

thanks for all the replies...
ps curious xxx1 my real name is ciaran,your name isnt ruth by any chance?!!

im in a similar situation... but not with ex for as long... and tbh.,.. its just a complete b1tch...
want to stay mates... but i know deep down that this is all just cos i secretly hope she will come back to me... when reality is she wont... i told her this... and told her id see her 1 day next week... see how it all goes,,, but in all likely hood thats last time she will see me for a very long time...

end of the day... if its ment to be she will come back...
but i have to live my life as if she isnt else ill be hanging, possibly forever...
thats not me! not who i am!
i cant do that! and im doing it now... and i hate it!
so iv decided this is what has to happen!
i may never be able to look at her without missing her, but i will someday b able to look at her and say we had good times, and walk on,,, not wishing we were togher... just that... find it hard to word it... just that yeh we had good times... but im ok with not being with u! and until then... i wont see her after that!

prob doesnt help at all... trying do! :P