Girlfriend cleaning freaking me out!

Mr. Incognito

My girlfriend's buying a house so is moved in with me and my two mates for a month or two. I had it out with her this morning because she rounded up all my clothes and put them in the wash. When I went looking for a shirt for work I couldn't find anything. She's always cleaning and it's like musical chairs trying to find anything I want. It adds time to my morning and I find it frustrating. I'm 25. I don't need a fricking mother. I cook my own food, wash my own clothes and I like my independence. I bring it up and she goes on the defensive saying I'm being mean and ungrateful? Now she's not talking to me. How can I make her understand without her taking it personally.

Am I being ungrateful?

feylya

You need to sit her down and explain to her what you just wrote. It does seem slightly ungrateful but not on purpose. Perhaps explain that you need to know where everything is in the morning so you don't have to spend more time than necessary getting ready.

biko

I'm sure she does it because she cares about you and the surroundings but if it does not work with your system (I'm the same btw) then you can either bring it up with her or just ride it out, it's only a few weeks. Or say that she's welcome to sort out the kitchen and front room but leave your bedroom alone.

Ms Inquisitive

Even still, she's only trying to help out and do her bit in appreciation of having somewhere to live for the next couple of weeks! You should be careful how you approach this!

Kintarō Hattori

Why not organise your clothes for the morning in the evening?

babyguinnessfan

I can see how it must be annoying to search for your clothes etc. in the morning but to be honest she sounds as if she is just trying to help you out. As Ms. Inquisitive said, she is probably trying to show her appreciation that you have let her live there for a while.
Would be a lot worse if she was a pig!
Anyway, tell her that you find it frustrating but do NOT tell her that you don't want a mother! I think that some ( of us) girls tend to go into that sort of mothering mode every now and again despite screaming feminism resounding in our ears but would certainly not like to be so blatantly reminded of it.
Relax, tell her that you'd prefer if she didn't clean and sure she'll be gone in a few weeks and then you'll miss having your nice clean stuff
Bit of a rambling post but still waking up...

WindSock

Maybe you are really messy and she was trying to clear away some of your mess? I know it can be frustrating when you can't find your things, but you also have to be considerate of other people living with you. It's not nice to have to live in someone elses untidy environment. Why not get a clothes basket and tell her if she really wants to wash your clothes, then all your dirty ones are in there then tidy away your undirty clothes yourself.

star-pants

OP - it does sound like she's just doing what she does - I can be a bit monica myself without realising. (altho I would ask before putting stuff in the wash - I'd just fold / hang clothes and let them figure out what to do)
And as others have mentioned she's probably trying to repay ye for letting her stay.

I would just sit her down and tell her how much you appreciate what she's doing but that you'd prefer if she left your bedroom because it messes up your routine etc... and that thats just how you are.
I personally don't like people moving stuff in my bedroom - bugs the crap out of me.

But hopefully she'll realise that you're not going 'jebus would you leave me alone' type thing and that you're politely letting her know to leave your room to you.

r3nu4l

Yeah you need to work with her a little and compromise a bit. You can't expect to move in with someone and find instant bliss. It can actually be a frustrating time for both parties as you have to find a 'happy medium', to use a tired but meaningful cliché.

Believe me when I say that as much as what she is doing is bugging you...what you are doing is bugging her.

In fact, if she uses boards.ie, I wouldn't be surprised to find a similar post from her side of the story. It takes time and effort but when two individuals with their own established habits and methods meet and move in together, sparks wil fly until you talk with one another...note I said talk "with" not talk "at". It's important that you both go into the conversation looking for a resolution, not looking for the other one to do what you want

randombar

Nah I reckon she's trying to control ya, start of a slippery slope and all that! BE WARNED

NextSteps

She's only trying to be nice, and it's her way of 'looking after you', which I reckon all girlfriends (including me) are in danger of. When you talk to her about it, be sure and
*express appreciation; thank her and
*assure her no-one expects her to take over the housekeeping
*don't accuse her of being like a mother
*don't accuse her of compromising your independence
*do come to a compromise while you're living together!

gcgirl

UB wrote: »

She's only trying to be nice, and it's her way of 'looking after you', which I reckon all girlfriends (including me) are in danger of. When you talk to her about it, be sure and
*express appreciation; thank her and
*assure her no-one expects her to take over the housekeeping
*don't accuse her of being like a mother
*don't accuse her of compromising your independence
*do come to a compromise while you're living together!

i'm with UB on this!

craichoe

Man,

Really bad idea having her move in while you've two other lads living with you.
Not really fair on them ... (i know i've done it meself)

Cathmandooo

You cant get better advice than what UB said

I'll just emphasise that you should NEVER accuse of her being like you're mother, thats a dumpable offence

mike65

So 3 fellas and a house-proud woman in the same space. You like a challange don't you? I bet the place is a tip and she sees what she's doing as perfectly reasonable and even neccessary to prevent an Oscar Madison type horror.

Mike.

digitally-yours

The problem is with you.


Try to be more organized

What she is doing is very normal.Every women in her right mind will do this.

seamus

It'll probably be necessary to come to some sort of compromise with her, lay out some very general ground rules.

Cleaning the kitchen and generally tidying is fine, you should be grateful, but cleaning up your personal stuff in your room can be irritating. What she sees as a good idea for placement/organisation, you may regard as time wasting and inefficient. Buy a clothes basket and agree with her that if she's going to clean your clothes, your dirty clothes are in the basket. Everything else is assumed to be clean, even if it's on the floor covered in beer stains.

Most women seem to have a natural wish to keep a house in some form of order, whereas most men seem quite comfortable with disorder. Changing that disorder can irritate your "processes".

Mr. Incognito

Thanks for the views.

Except I have to refute:

The problem is with you.


Try to be more organized

What she is doing is very normal.Every women in her right mind will do this.

That's is completely useless advice and talk about a a generalisation. I think you may be having the oppisate problem at home with a lazy partner but don't take it out on me.

I am organised. She's disorganising everything with her constant cleaning and re-arranging. She took shirts of my hangers and washed then cos they didn't smell clean enough FFS. That's OTT in my book.

When you come into someones space for a short period you have to respect their space. It's my room and my house, If she wants to do a wash, fine, let her wash her own things but leave mine alone. I have a wash basket and I'll wash it myself. I dont want her washing my stuff and then holding that over me. I love the girl to pieces but she has to respect my space.

Our house is always tidy. It's a high spec house and we keep it in good nick so it's not a bird walking into a pigsty here so can we keep the bigoted comments to a minimum please. My question was was I over-reacting.

Lemming

SetantaL wrote: »

When you come into someones space for a short period you have to respect their space. It's my room and my house, If she wants to do a wash, fine, let her wash her own things but leave mine alone. I have a wash basket and I'll wash it myself. I dont want her washing my stuff and then holding that over me. I love the girl to pieces but she has to respect my space.

Hang on a sec SetantaL. You really need to sit down and talk and most of all, compromise. You cannot expect to continue to live your life the way you want to live it when you're sharing it with someone else (literally and proverbially).

Perhaps she is being a bit OTT, perhaps not. We can't judge. But you need to ask yourself a) am I being reasonable in expecting nothing to change because it's the way *I* like it? and b) how does she feel?

seamus

Well, to take you at face value then, you have to assume that she's changing things around to make herself feel more comfortable (maybe subconsciously) but she's also doing it because she thinks you'll appreciate it - so you have to acknowledge that.

We all grow up having a set way of doing things. When we start living with someone else, these ways can clash and cause friction. Even down to small things like the way you load the dishwasher - you have your way which you feel is the correct way and she has her way which she feels is the correct way. When the one person does it their way, the other gets irritated because they think it was done wrong.

I remember my girlfriend freaking out at me for unplugging the TV while it was still switched on. She thought that unplugging something while it was on would cause fires or electrical shocks and that's just the way everything was always done in her house. It's these little things that actually cause the biggest stress when people move in together. Consider it good practice or a good chance to get these ironed out now.

digitally-yours

SetantaL wrote: »

Thanks for the views.

Except I have to refute:



That's is completely useless advice and talk about a a generalisation. I think you may be having the oppisate problem at home with a lazy partner but don't take it out on me.

I am organised. She's disorganising everything with her constant cleaning and re-arranging. She took shirts of my hangers and washed then cos they didn't smell clean enough FFS. That's OTT in my book.

When you come into someones space for a short period you have to respect their space. It's my room and my house, If she wants to do a wash, fine, let her wash her own things but leave mine alone. I have a wash basket and I'll wash it myself. I dont want her washing my stuff and then holding that over me. I love the girl to pieces but she has to respect my space.

Our house is always tidy. It's a high spec house and we keep it in good nick so it's not a bird walking into a pigsty here so can we keep the bigoted comments to a minimum please. My question was was I over-reacting.

No Mate no complains here

All i meant there was that women like organizing.I was in no way having a go at you.

If she is doing too much cleaning it means she cares for you.That's normal.
If you think its too much you should just tell her that you don't feel comfortable with that.

blorg

seamus wrote: »

I remember my girlfriend freaking out at me for unplugging the TV while it was still switched on.

You unplug the TV when it's still switched on? Maniac.

Remember: WIRES cause FIRES.

Fad

OP to an extent i know what you mean it can be very fustrating when things arent where you left them (in a drawer or something)

dudara

This obviously is causing some frustration to you. But living with someone will inevitably do that.

I've lived with my partner for 8 years. Over that period of time, I've spoken to him about certain habits of his, others I have accepted and deal with in my way. Find the issues that you need to talk about and sort them out. Have the good grace to accept the rest. This is not a battle of wills.

Firetrap

Yes, I think you're over-reacting a bit. I know where you're coming from though. It's not nice to have someone coming into your space and rearranging it. Like it or not, most of us are creatures of habit and if you're like me, there's a little bit of control freak thrown into the mix as well.

Your girlfriend probably thinks she's being helpful by doing your washing etc. because you've been kind enough to have her stay in your place. If I was you, I wouldn't say anything to her as it could well hurt her feelings or worse still, piss her off. Besides, she'll be moved into her own house soon and you can go back to your own routine.

vorbis

Firetap you're suggesting not to talk to her about it because it might upset her???!
Is he supposed to be frightened of her or something?

Leave her do the laundry OP but insist you put the stuff away. That should please both of ye. My gf has done the same thing a few times (as in cleaned up my room and moved stuff around). Its nice but i did have to tell her not to rearrange stuff. She's better at it now

*Page*

I had this issue in the reverse, i was the manic cleaner and my boy the indo...

Anyway I would get up set because i felt like i was doing this nice jestur etc...

anyway how he showed me that i was doing something irritating was this...

he took all of my underwear (clean and dirty~hiding 1 pair of sock and pants and bra) and putting them in the wash (he was drunk at the time)

anyway next morning nothing in my drawer go down stairs to find all my stuff wet...

i lost it and he just repeated my usual line.

i took a step back and we sat down that night and talked...

I still wash his clothes but i ask him 1st which ones are ok to go in the wash...

he cooks me meals in reaturn but always called to ask what i want...

i think your issue is the same... you need to start living together as people than her staying on an extended sleep over...

LegacyUser

period of adjustment is all that's required.

I've had the opposite when the g/f wasn't doing her share, and felt it was old fashioned for a woman to do that sort of thing. Maybe constantly doing it while the man would sit on the sofa would be a fair point, but she used it as an excuse to do nothing. I'd do my fair share of the house work without any "this isn't manly" nonsense, so anyways, she got shown the door pretty quick.

Her habit of cleaning up for you is just a change, you could easily get used to where she puts things or even, ask her if she is going to clean up so often, as to where you'd like the stuff left or something. only if she's willing of course, but that doesn't seem to be the issue.

as already said, just talk to her. She's probably very keen to help out and make you happy she's around the place. It's all well intentioned.

as regards the house situation, no one knows the 3 people living there so statements of "can't believe you brought a girl into that environment" should be ignored IMO. Could be the best thing to happen the place. the 2 other lads will be crying into their cornflakes when yis split.

JabberJaws

Give her a taste of her own medicine...move the things she uses every day. HA! If that dont' work, just plain out tell her... but I say try my 1st idea....:p

Latchy

Somthing a lot of couples dont take into consideration when marrying or moving in together ,are we compatible ?

Mr. Incognito

Somthing a lot of couples dont take into consideration when marrying or moving in together ,are we compatible ?

What? "I'm sorry dear..........this marraige is over. I can't find my socks."

Nice one Dr Phil. :rolleyes:

Sheesh you ask for advice and the personal judgements and concluison jumping that goes on around here.

Latchy

SetantaL wrote: »

What? "I'm sorry dear..........this marraige is over. I can't find my socks."

Nice one Dr Phil. :rolleyes:

Sheesh you ask for advice and the personal judgements and concluison jumping that goes on around here.

My quote as tongue in cheek ,but living with sombody ,maybe for the rest of your life is 50% love 50% tolerence ........:)

Anti

SetantaL wrote: »

My girlfriend's buying a house so is moved in with me and my two mates for a month or two. I had it out with her this morning because she rounded up all my clothes and put them in the wash. When I went looking for a shirt for work I couldn't find anything. She's always cleaning and it's like musical chairs trying to find anything I want. It adds time to my morning and I find it frustrating. I'm 25. I don't need a fricking mother. I cook my own food, wash my own clothes and I like my independence. I bring it up and she goes on the defensive saying I'm being mean and ungrateful? Now she's not talking to me. How can I make her understand without her taking it personally.

Am I being ungrateful?

Jesus man, be gratefull. If your shirt is on the floor you have obviously worn it. And it needs a wash. Your not in college any more, you cant wear the same cloths for days on end.

Maybe you should think of being a bit tidyer?

seamus

I don't think there's such a thing as two people in a relationship being "incompatible", rather one or both persons are unable/unwilling to adapt.

The most important thing in any long-term relationship is compromise. If you don't get that, the relationship is ****ed.

Latchy

seamus wrote: »

I don't think there's such a thing as two people in a relationship being "incompatible", rather one or both persons are unable/unwilling to adapt.

The most important thing in any long-term relationship is compromise. If you don't get that, the relationship is ****ed.

The old saying ' if you want to know what sombody is really like then go live with them ' is very true .Some people are more house trained and domesticated than others .Compromise is the key to a good relationship and commitment ,but the divorce rate suggest otherwise, look at the celeb culture were people leave each other at the drop of a hat. Their has to be a healthy balance regards domestic chores .

stovelid

blorg wrote: »

Remember: WIRES cause FIRES.

I thought firehound was far more succinct on this point: never give a fire a chance...

OP - I'm an untidy male and have learned to live with this. I still do my nut when I can't find stuff but deep down, I know that without constant chiding, I'd be in a lair of filth.

Buy a laundry basket. Put stuff for washing in there. If you need something for the next day, fold it or hang it away.