Lazy Fiance?

LegacyUser

Hi guys and girls. This may be a long one, if you're gonna comment, please read to the end.

My problem is this. My fiance lives with me in my apartment. Due to her being a non-EU national, she is unable to work here. So she stays here as my dependent. I have no problem in supporting her, even though I'm not in a very high paying job. I work in a job that is high stress, and lives actually depend on so it's not your regular 9-5. I work about 60-70 hours a week, with shifts night work etc.

My problem is that after I come home from work, I have to do all the housework. She just sits at home on the internet and watching Sky all day. She rarely leaves the apartment. Now I'm no chauvinist, I don't expect her to have my dinner on the table when i get home and all that stuff. I come home and no matter how tired I am, I have to clean up, do any sweeping and mopping, cook the dinner, clean the bathroom etc. In the last 2 months she has started cleaning up her dishes but just leaving them to drain. I have to put them away too.

And it's not like I haven't said it to her. We have had about 5 arguments about it, but I still can't seem to bring on a change in attitude.

Any advice?

Beruthiel

used wrote: »

My problem is that after I come home from work, I have to do all the housework. She just sits at home on the internet and watching Sky all day. She rarely leaves the apartment. Now I'm no chauvinist, I don't expect her to have my dinner on the table when i get home and all that stuff.

If you both were working, you would indeed have no right to expect anything.
However, you are supporting her, she is at home all day and it's thanks to you there is a roof over her head and food on her plate.
If my partner was unemployed and sitting on their arse all day, I would damn well expect the dinner to be ready for me when I came home, and the house work done too. That's what's commonly known as a partnership.
I'd have lost the rag at this stage and would most likely have thrown them out of the house if they behaved like that.
She's seriously taking you for a ride and has absolutely no respect for you.
Do you really want to be married to someone like that?

Hagar

I'd show her the door. I couldn't see myself wasting my life on someone like that.

milod

like Beruthiel says - you're being taken for a ride my friend - if your fiance can't work, it implies she needs you to marry her to gain citizenship. Have you really examined her motives? for example does she see the bedroom as the place she 'repays' your kindness?

BC

Hagar wrote: »

I'd show her the door. I couldn't see myself wasting my life on someone like that.

QFT

She sounds like she is completely taking advantage of you OP.

Keano

it implies she needs you to marry her to gain citizenship

+1 - Show her the door. 60-70 hours a week work is not good for you and you cant keep going. Start thinking of yourself. Ask her in the nicest manner to leave. If she plays the I have no where to go routine dont give in. She is a freeloader.

Miss Fluff

There are plenty of non-EU nationals working in Ireland. What country is she from? Has she decent English? What skills does she have? Enough to apply for a work permit?

She seems to have a very cushy number if you ask me. You provide her with accommodation and food, I presume money and clothes also if she has no disposable income and then not only after buying the food you have to cook it, and buying the clothes you have to wash them? Not only does she sound like a lazy mare but my concern would be that this isn't the best foundation for a partnership, she should WANT to help and contribute and her current behaviour does not bode well for the future of your relationship.

uoluol

Sorry, agree with the other posters. The girl has no respect for you, and is clearly taking you for a ride. Say bye bye before it's too late.

DaDa

Have to agree 100% with all posters.

To get a better picture.. what is it about her you love so much that you want to marry her?

gcgirl

sorry mate but your being taking for a ride bigtime! the least she could do is cook and clean the place for you as your in work!

MagicMarker

Change the locks my friend, change the locks....

star-pants

sorry OP - but it's a running theme now -- she's not being fair on you.
You're out working your backside off - earning - supporting her (which is very sweet of you) - but having to come home & work there too? Personally if I were her, I couldn't do that - I'd feel SO guilty.
Relationships are about give and take... and you're certainly not the one doing the taking..

Mr. Incognito

Due to her being a non-EU national, she is unable to work here

Sorry, that's bull. Work Visa anyone?

Seriously, I think you know you're being taken for a ride here.

johnnysmurfman

You are a mug. Oh my god, you're such a mug. Want to buy some magic beans? Plus, it is possible for her not to have a work visa, particularly if she is an asylum seeker or a Chinese person on an expired student visa. Maybe the reason she doesn't leave the house is simple, I'll give you a hint, it rhymes with SHMEEPORTATION SHMORDER.

biko

Tell her that as long as she can not work she will have to do all the housework done by the time you get home.

It's easy to get lethargic when there's nothing to do.
What little there is to do is being put off till later and then it doesn't get done at all. You start sleeping in and staying up all night.

As long as you support her then her job is to have the house presentable. Soon, hopefully, she'll be able to work and then you can share the housework. But until then she has all the chores to do.

echosound

Seems everyone is in agreement here OP. If your GF is at home all day with nothing to do, the least she can do, seeing as you are basically providing everything for her - you are keeping her on your wage - is to do a bit of housework.
My DH was working from home for a few months there, while I was working in an office, and even he used to do all the housework before I got home even though he was working himself, his thinking was well I'm here so I'll do it so the place is tidy when herself (ie me) walks in.

Situations are reversed with us now, I've some time off work and my DH is out all day, so you can be sure when he gets home, there isn't a tap to be done around the house and I cook dinner for him, it's only fair seeing as I have free time at the moment. You see what I'm saying here? It's not a case of you being chauvinist expecting her to do the housework, it's a simple matter of the person who has more free time (and she has 24 hours a day free) picking up the slack round the house, be they male or female.

Your GF can't expect to just sit around while you work your socks off doing 60 or 70 hour weeks in a stressful job, then have you come home and have to face into all the housework and cleaning, it's just not fair on you at all. Heck, even if she was working a 40 hour week, I'd expect her to take on the lion's share of the housework as you are working such long hours. It's not as if it's the case that there's a misunderstanding as to "standards" you each have on how tidy you'd like your place, you've already raised the issue with her a few times, and she seems to have no respect for your feelings or indeed for your health.

I actually personally would expect a dinner on the table when I get home after such longs hours when all she's been doing all day is sitting round the house watching TV or on the net. If she loved you, she'd want to do it for you anyway, and wouldn't begrudge it. If it's a case she's just gotten lethargic with no focus in life, and you say she can't work legally here, can she not even go out and do voluntary or charity work for a hour or two to get her motivated again? Seriously though, I think you know yourself you're being taken for a chump here.

muppetkiller

What was she doing for money before she met you ?
Or did you just order her over the internet (Sorry only messin)
Seriously though..you're engaged and live together...how long have you guys been seeing each other ? Was she working before you got engaged ?
Like the posters above...we fear the worst for you...

Strokesfan

I agree that because she is there all day she SHOULD be doing her bit!

I'm not trying to make excuses for your fiancee - nor do I know her - but is it possible she's slightly depressed? I presume she has no family here, no workmates, not much of a social life??

Does she leave the place at all to shop for dinner etc? Maybe she's just trying to not spend too much money? Maybe she's lazy?

I think you should talk to her and find out what her story is. I personally would want to clean to keep myself busy. Could she possibly do a couple of hours work for friends minding kids or volunteering? Might give her a sense of purpose and belonging and get her appreciating your relationship.

Linoge

Miss Fluff wrote: »

she should WANT to help and contribute and.

Totally! What person, who loves you so much that they want to marry you, find it ok for you to work so many hours AND the housework? A loving person would want to ease the load on you.

star-pants wrote: »

I couldn't do that - I'd feel SO guilty.

Which is a normal persons reaction. When you row, does she show any sign of guilt or remorse? What exactly is there to "row" about? She doesn't do a thing around the house or pay any bills, what is her counter-argument???

echosound wrote: »

My DH was working from home for a few months there, while I was working in an office, and even he used to do all the housework before I got home even though he was working himself, his thinking was well I'm here so I'll do it so the place is tidy when herself (ie me) walks in.

Situations are reversed with us now, I've some time off work and my DH is out all day, so you can be sure when he gets home, there isn't a tap to be done around the house and I cook dinner for him,

If NOTHING else, would she not want to have everything done by the time you get home so you can relax and spend some quality time together, instead of you having to spend more time on top of your already long hours cleaning the house, all the while causing more arguments and stress. The only "relationship" you have is you GIVE and she TAKES. This is not a normal loving relationship by any standards. She may be technically your fiance but she cetainly is not a girlfriend.

But............

Strokesfan wrote: »

I'm not trying to make excuses for your fiancee - nor do I know her - but is it possible she's slightly depressed? I presume she has no family here, no workmates, not much of a social life??

Does she leave the place at all to shop for dinner etc? Maybe she's just trying to not spend too much money? Maybe she's lazy?

I think you should talk to her and find out what her story is. I personally would want to clean to keep myself busy. Could she possibly do a couple of hours work for friends minding kids or volunteering? Might give her a sense of purpose and belonging and get her appreciating your relationship.

This does make complete sense in fairness. Acid test is, has she always been like this or is it just in the last while? Has she changed recently?

ferdi

she's taking the piss, kick her ass to the kerb.

digitally-yours

used wrote: »

Hi guys and girls. This may be a long one, if you're gonna comment, please read to the end.

My problem is this. My fiance lives with me in my apartment. Due to her being a non-EU national, she is unable to work here. So she stays here as my dependent. I have no problem in supporting her, even though I'm not in a very high paying job. I work in a job that is high stress, and lives actually depend on so it's not your regular 9-5. I work about 60-70 hours a week, with shifts night work etc.

My problem is that after I come home from work, I have to do all the housework. She just sits at home on the internet and watching Sky all day. She rarely leaves the apartment. Now I'm no chauvinist, I don't expect her to have my dinner on the table when i get home and all that stuff. I come home and no matter how tired I am, I have to clean up, do any sweeping and mopping, cook the dinner, clean the bathroom etc. In the last 2 months she has started cleaning up her dishes but just leaving them to drain. I have to put them away too.

And it's not like I haven't said it to her. We have had about 5 arguments about it, but I still can't seem to bring on a change in attitude.

Any advice?

I think i have an answer for you but i cannot put it into words.
Being From NON EU i have several friends who are in same situation as your fiance.

PM me

You didn't mentioned has she changed over time ? or was she always like that ? If she was like this before than u shouldn't be astonished.

Also what nationality is she ?

ShawnRaven

Yep, she can see MUG tattooed on your forehead. I'd find someone else, provided i didn't go absolutely insane!

Regardless of the nationality!
VR!

digitally-yours

validreasoning! wrote: »

Yep, she can see MUG tattooed on your forehead. I'd find someone else, provided i didn't go absolutely insane!

Regardless of the nationality!
VR!

I think its a bit harsh and jumping to conclusion without knowing the whole story.:rolleyes:

Zulu

She's taking the piss. Sort her out.

leninbenjamin

digitally-yours wrote: »

I think its a bit harsh and jumping to conclusion without knowing the whole story.:rolleyes:

you obviously have some extra insight or experience in this that you're not sharing. and if you're not willing to do so don't have a go at others for judging the situation at face value. :rolleyes:

OP: what are you still doing with her? you have some patience

Gyalist

A Dutch friend of mine married a woman from Venezuela last year and something similar happened.

Almost immediately after his wedding, his company transferred him from Amsterdam to Paris. She was unable to work there, had no social circle, far away from friends and family, husband having to travel a lot because of his job, and spoke no French. Not surprisingly she became depressed. This is an intelligent, educated woman but her situation caused her to be depressed. She spent most of the day on IM chatting with her friends and family back in Venezuela, and hardly ever left their apartment. She's a stunningly beautiful and elegant woman but she put on a lot of weight too.

When I last spoke to him the situation was getting better as he'd persuaded her to join a gym, and he was not travelling as much for work so they'd started to build a group of friends though she is still very frustrated because she's not allowed to work in France.

Just thought I'd share that story with you so you could see if your experience is the same.

Bethany

This is serious . Either she is depressed and totally lethargic or bone idle. Talk,talk ,don't shout but as clearly as possible state how you feel. Also ask yourself are you enabling her in this type of behaviour? Do you like taking care of people? Are you super-efficient? This sometimes causes partners to opt out.
If, after making your feelings plain, there is no improvement, you MUST reconsider marriage bigtime. Marriage to lazy people, unless you are very wealthy, is a disaster. Give it six months of marriage and believe me, coming home to a clean house and nice meal after a hard day, is more important that any sex goddess or god in the living room.
Men may pretend that they have no problem with women not doing housework nowadays but everyone wants an oasis at home. That means sharing the jobs and making life easy when you come in the door and retreat from the world. A person who doesn't do their share is not showing love.That's the bottom line.
Listening to you I feel that you have shown great patience and caring , find out if there is anything wrong with her and if there isn't, stand up for yourself and know what you are getting intol You deserve better

Carrigart Exile

she sounds depressed (I have no qualification on this subject other than life experience I hasten to add)

milkerman

OP there is something seriously wrong with this situation, but you already know this. You have asked us for our comments - have you asked your gf?
I dont think telling your gf to work or move out is a long term solution. You might marry her then she could revert to being a slob with no easy way out for you. Her nationality is irrelevant. When I moved to Galway I was homesick beyond belief but still worked & even washed the dishes.
Based on what you have told us, I dont think this girl is for you.

E92

OP you're being taken for an almighty ride.

LegacyUser

Her nationality is American. She is here legally as I have sorted that out for her, marking her as a dependent, even putting her on my VHI after being in GNIB for 5 hours.

Yes, I work in taking care of people in emergency situations, so one poster was right on that. One of my problems has always been pleasing people usually to my detriment.

I'm not sure what to do. Today, she cleaned the place while I was at work. first time in, well ever. Then she complained to me that I wasn't appreciative enough. I suppose my answer of "What do you want, a f**king gold star?" wasn't the right one as now she is sitting sulking. But perhaps this reply along with a few words is the start of something new. Hopefully.

Thanks for the replies. I'll keep you all informed

Firetrap

It's very telling that you sorted out her legality status for her.

Obviously I'm not in your shoes so I don't know what sort of person she's really like but what I'm seeing is someone who's never going to be anything but a lazy person. She's going to happily let you work your ass off while she sits at home doing nothing. Lazy people don't become lazy overnight - she was probably always like that.

Incidentally, I wonder what prompted her to tidy up? Did she read this thread during one of her lengthy net surfing sessions? :eek:

Miss Fluff

Def sounds like she's on Boards and saw your thread. Like I said before though, she shouldn't have to be nagged into it, she should WANT to do it

WHIP IT!

It's a little ill-advised for people to make 'sling her out' verdicts without knowing the situation in its entirety (sp??)...

Easy to make big statements and snap judgements when you've no emotional involvment in something...

OP, it doesn't look good on face value - but I think the people who mention depression are on to something... The girls away from home, away from family, friends and everything she knows. NEver been in that situation myself, but I'd imagine its tough (even though it was, presumably, her choice to leave her home country)... You've been patient to a fault almost imo... Sit your girlfriend down and talk to her, tell her exactly how you're feeling... Hopefully you guys get to the bottom of it...

Best of Luck mate, and if it turns out you are just being taken for a ride, then I think you know what you have to do...

MarkR

Are you sure she can't work here? I've both US and Irish citizenship, so not quite the same, but I have worked with plenty of other americans who I presume don't have citizenship here.

Good to see she's starting to make an effort, hopefully it will continue.

the_syco

Know someone like yourself. He started to loose his hair due to stress, started doing cocaine... and then she left. He stopped doing coke, and his hair grew back. He's also happier.

=-=

She'll be able to get a job here easy enough. I know a few people form the States and Canada who just came over here and got a job. It's not as hard as it would be if if they were from the East of Europe, it'd seem.

=-=

Also agree on her being lonely. See can you you throw her out into a club that speaks her language.

craichoe

used wrote: »

Her nationality is American. She is here legally as I have sorted that out for her, marking her as a dependent, even putting her on my VHI after being in GNIB for 5 hours.

Yes, I work in taking care of people in emergency situations, so one poster was right on that. One of my problems has always been pleasing people usually to my detriment.

I'm not sure what to do. Today, she cleaned the place while I was at work. first time in, well ever. Then she complained to me that I wasn't appreciative enough. I suppose my answer of "What do you want, a f**king gold star?" wasn't the right one as now she is sitting sulking. But perhaps this reply along with a few words is the start of something new. Hopefully.

Thanks for the replies. I'll keep you all informed

In the states this crap of their man taking care of them is common.

Get rid of her, she is taking you for a total ride and even after you break up with her she will haunt you for money and try to emotionally blackmail you into taking her back.

Seen it SO many times .. I can't get a job here.. blah blah .. its your fault, your the reason i came here. I had a good job in the states that i gave up for you.

Electric

Exactly why isn't she able to get a job? Has this been explored? I'd agree with a previous poster that she's a native English speaker so she'd find it alot easier than say an Eastern European.

And if she can't work, why can't she go to the library, go for walks, take a training course, do community/charity/volunteer work? There was an article in the Irish Times about immigrants a couple of months ago and this one girl they talked to complained about not being able to work, but she did loads of volunteer work just to help her get out and about and integrate.

Has she tried looking up other American ex-pats? This might help if she's homesick.

But I think she really needs to investigate the employment front! It's very depressing to be dependent on someone. I know it's not the same but my aunt lived in the States for years and when her kids were small the family moved back home. Herself and her husband decided that she would be a stay at home mum. She had a great career and everything and while she loved being at home with the kids, she found that by the time they were all of school going age that she got really depressed and lethargic wouldn't leave the house etc, started drinking quiet heavily.

Now she works 2 mornings a week and it's made such a huge difference. She gets out and about has her own money and is still around for the kids.

Maybe the sitting at home all day thing is getting to your fiancee?

milkerman

She cant afford to sulk.
Personally I fcuking love the gold star remark.

spinandscribble

maybe she is depressed but was it her plan to come here just to sit inside all day? unlikely. if it was shes taking you for a ride.
ask her why shes inside all day.
make her go to a gp.
show her this thread.

Gemini Sister

OP. My fiancee is a non-national and works illegally here. I understand that it is just as difficult or more difficult for an American to work here as an Eastern european - and unlike Eastern europeans they tend not to have a support network. However, I don't think thats any excuse. Over the years I've worked illegally abroad in some very unlikely places - I tend to think that almost anyone can get some kind of work almost anywhere if they're even a little bit resourceful.

Your gf can work in bars, restaurants etc. very easily, even part-time. Is it the case thats she is highly qualified and doesn't want to anything 'beneath her'? A friend's foreign partner was in this situation - and didn't have much english - so did volunteer/charity work until she built up contacts/skills.

I would suggest that you sort this situation out asap if you want to save your relationship. If she isn't depressed already, she soon will be.

Gemini Sister

Electric wrote: »

Exactly why isn't she able to get a job? Has this been explored? I'd agree with a previous poster that she's a native English speaker so she'd find it alot easier than say an Eastern European.

Don't agree with this. Ever noticed how few north americans try to make it over here? Very tough. Lots of bureaucracy. Almost impossible in fact if they're not mega-qualified/of Irish origin. Also e.g. all the croations or whatever that I know look after each other in the way Irish do in NY, Americans are alot more isolated.

uoluol

Funny, a similar situation was discussed today at work. The lazy bint in question, was told by her finance that he wasn't happy with her not pulling her weight, and she "accidentally" fell pregnant not long after.

Hope nothing like this happens....

This girl should be bending over backwards with gratitude, you have been more than good to her. Seems she's taking you for granted. I would hate to contemplate marrying someone like her, a lazy sloth. No excuses.

Duzy

Make sure you get the ring back before giving her the boot!
You have brought it to her attention 5 times what more can you do. She is a user my friend! If she cared at all for you she'd have your bath ready a cold beer in the fridge and dinner on the table and all of this with a big smile to say thank you for supporting her.

sorry to be so harsh. I agree with all of the other guys.

Seraphina

i'm all for sharing housework equally, because usually it tends to be the men who dont pull their weight, but seriously, if i had a guy supporting me like that, the place would be spotless, and there'd be dinner on the table when he got home, and i wouldn't let him lift a finger around the house after work, despite the fact that i'm not very domestically inclined.

its called GRATITUDE. your fiance has clearly never heard of it before, and you're not looking forward to a happy marraige with that lazy bint in tow.

Twinkers

I agree with the previous posters here OP. If I had a guy supporting me like that I'd make sure housework was done and dinner was ready. Not being old fashioned, its just what you would do out of appreciation and love if your other half has been working all day.
Surely, she must know herself that she's being a lazy cow without you having to bring it to her attention?