So insecure

LegacyUser

Hi folks,

I'm a 24 yr old male and on the face of it would seem to be a completely normal happy go lucky kind of guy. But I've got a problem. I'm horrendoulsy insecure and I fear its going to destroy my relationship.

I've been seing my current girlfriend for only 5 months but this is my longest relationship to date. Although we're a relatively new couple we get on amazingly well and would seem to have a great future together. I've had a few relationships before and they all came to an end around this point. One in particular was a horrible break up and I got severly burned by it and took quite a long time to recover.

The first few months were fantastic but lately i've been feeling so insecure for seemingly no reason whatsoever. It manifests itself in really self destructive ways too. Like for instance something as simple as her not texting back for several hours when she'd usually text back straight away and my mind goes into a frenzy. Given enough time I'll have almost completely convinced myself that I'm just a source of annoyance for her, that she doesn't love me at all and that shes not happy in the relationship etc etc.

Its even more strange for me because I know all of these thoughts are completely and utterly wrong. But even so I just can't inject an ounce of logic into my brain to tell it to just shut up and enjoy the relationship and stop reading into every single mannerism, micro gesture or vibe I may think I'm seeing.

I've talked to her about this after asking her why she was so cold to me the other day. She had no idea that she was coming across this way to me so she was quite bemused by the whole episode and to be honest I felt quite foolish for being so needy and clingy. But she didn't mind and was completely supportive and assured me that I have nothing to worry about at all as regards us.

I should probably wrap this up now before I bore you all to tears. I'm just wondering if anyone else has gone through this and can point me in the right direction to feeling good about myself again. I really want to get over this because this relationship is the best thing to have happened to me in a very long time and I'd hate for something as silly as this to tarnish it.

Thanks for listening

howaya

relax the cacs!

I think it'd be great for you if you had a good pal who you could vent all this anxiety to - someone to call or talk to who will point out that you're not thinking rationally, and who can assuage your anxiety about things.

You risk freaking-out the poor girl.

Reassure yourself by doing more of the stuff that you enjoy and that makes you feel at peace with yourself.

It sounds like all is hunky-dory

Knockoff Nige

Dont ever text her. Call her whenever you want to talk to her. Texting is not for everyone and its not always possible to text back. Her battery could run down, she might forget her phone, she might not feel like replying straight away (it would be ironic to text, i dont want to reply to you yet). Whenever you want to talk to her, call her. You'll find that you'll be speaking to her less and less but you'll still be talking to her when you want.

l3LoWnA

My ex (who I dumped about 6 weeks ago) was soooooooo clingy and needy and ALWAYS there. I'm only giving it from a females perspective. I always knew he'd ring me first thing in the morning to "wake" me and then he'd have text at LEAST once before I got into work. If I didn't reply he'd send THE SAME text again. I was bloody busy!!! And I told him that. I never EVER once had ANY doubts about how much he was into me or had to do ANY chasing!

He was just always there and I am SO not used to that in a guy (yes, I am one of the ones that always goes for pricks) and to be honest, is constant contact bored me to death. We never had anything to talk about - we discussed the fkn WEATHER every day for lack of conversation and the longer I stayed with him the WORSE he got...on about building a house for me after about 2 months together (like comeon?!)

I'm not saying you're like this OP. I'm just saying, maybe you expect her to reply straight away like my ex did. There could be a thousand reasons she's not replying. I know I didnt reply to my ex because there was nothing exciting about his texts, so I'd read em and throw my phone back on my desk or sometimes not read them at all!

I ended up going completely off the guy, couldn't even face kissing him or anything else so I had to dump him. he was knid, caring, good fun, good looking, generous and mad about me. But he suffocated me to the extent that I couldn't look @ him anymore and talking to him was even a pain-in-the-arse.

I'm just saying, let her initiate the texting for a while, back off just a tad and you SHOULD end up a bit more secure. Although if my ex left it to me to text I probably just wouldnt have bothered as he'd already ruined things for himself. If she's not the best responder when it comes to texting you're setting yourself up for a fall each time you text her - so don't, as already advised above, ring her if you need to speak to her, if you don't, leave it until ye meet up again!

I wouldn't be so quick to explain your insecurities to her either, you're not giving her anything to wonder about - not meaning to sound harsh....just my tuppence worth.

God, I just realise how negative all of the above sounds and I do apologise as it's just based on a very one-sided relationship I've just come out of so it's probably not good advice. But, not many girls are into the whole needy/clingy thing from men so at least try and hide your insecurities from her a slight bit - talk them through with a friend or relative! You've held onto her for 5 months, I'm sure ye get on great so relax and don't be thinking too much if she doesn't respond quickly etc!!

Lastly, have faith in yourself - there's lots of guys posting on here recently who claim to be everything a girl could dream of, and they are single and lonely. You've got your girl, you've done the hard bit and you must be a good guy!! Pat yourself on the back for that and relax with the anxieties. She's still there, it's been 5 months.....if you were an annoyance would she not have moved on by now?!

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replys guys, especially l3LoWnA although that situation sounded much much worse and doesn't really apply.

I'm still pretty much stuck in the same situation as yesterday so I did some surfing around the web to look for answers and here's what i've come up with. Its basically a list of how my insecurities come to life. Some of these things i feel strongly and some not so much but they all run through my head at one stage or another.

* I constantly crave reassurance, compliments and signals that everything is perfect in our relationship.

* My brain very often takes tiny gestures, mannerisms and body language to equate to huge underlying resentment towards me.

* I over analyze everything.

* I dwell on things for far too long.

* I'm losing touch with the cool guy she fell for in the beginning.

* I'm afraid of being powerless in the relationship and having her be in control of my general happiness.

* I fear the relationship will turn sour and i'll get badly hurt as this has happened before.

* I'm afraid of losing her because she means the world to me and we get on amazingly but if we did break up i'd probably blame myself and my insecurities.

* I worry that I'm not good enough for her in the long term because she doesn't come from a broken home and her family are extremely well off whereas mine are not.

* Morning & night time texting/calling routines play havoc with my mind when they stray from the norm.


Ok thats enough of that, i think you'll all agree! I just needed to be honest with myself and get it all out there in the open. I won't be telling her these things though as there's no reason to worry her even more. I guess I just need to use this forum to vent and rant because there's no one in my life i'd really feel comfortable with talking about these things.

I've also learned that my self esteem is almost entirely based upon the fickle notion of what i perceive her opinion of me to be and can be completely crushed in a nano second. When I read of this phenomenon it was a complete eureaka moment for me because it describes how my mind works word for word. I just wish I knew how to change this.

Another thing I read online was that insecurities often are rooted within traumatic events from childhood. My parents divorced when I was five years old, I'm no shrink but this is the most likley source of my troubles. But now I'm stuck. I know the symptoms of my disease, I know the source but I don't know the solution And I want this fxed so so bad. I want it becuase my girlfriend means the world to me and we have such a beautiful and tender relationship that I feel I may be in danger of ruining forver. My pain wouldn't end there as who's to say any other relationship I enter would be any different unless I nip this in the bud now.

Thanks for listening again. This thread may seem trivial to most of you but it's consuming me and my life and I feel I need to get this fixed now before it gets any worse.

LegacyUser

mate, i can see what you're talking about, i too get similar pangs every so often, and i know my girlfriend gets it. it's natural, but you just mustn't let it dominate your mind. if you start to feel insecure and you wonder why she hasn't replied, then leave it and don't text again until she does. like someone posted above you need to let her do the chasing for a little while. make her realise how much she likes you.

a good way to start this is to go out with your mates on a night you might normally spend together. for eg, if you normally spend friday nights together, organise to go out for a beer. you get a nice pint or two with your pals and she has to organise something to keep herself occupied. she'll start to realise that you have other things in your life and the world doesn't revolve around her.

sounds simple, but it works. she'll soon bring it up with you. if it doesn't work and she's not bothered about spending time apart, then i'm sorry to say that she's probably going off the relationship a little and just generally isn't that fussed.

if this is the case, then you're better off without her.

bottom line is, get down the pub and have a laugh!

bordrlinepsycho

i know how you feel OP im exactly the same..always really paranoid and insecure and thinking that people will cheat...i can get really clingy and attached way too easy and if somebody doesnt text back etc. i can get worried theres something wrong

Like the last person i was seeing didnt text me for 3 days so i texted a few times because i was really worried that something was wrong....turns out he didnt have credit and wasnt bothered to find a way to contact me and tell me..eventhou i said in all ofthe texts i was realy worried. Made me realise thats i should stop being like that otherwise ill never have a proper relationship.

i also kind of agree about it possibly being linked to something from childhood..my parents also seperated when i was young and my mam has been with a complete prick who i hate for the past 7 years which may contribute to why im so insecure and afraid of relationships.

Good luck with sorting things out:)

Villaricos

my god OP, I think you're me but in male form!

I was always like that in relationships, I dont know why, but yea it was awful, Id get anxious and insecure then even more anxious tgat my anxiety and insecurity were going to ruin the relationship. talk about a vicious circle!

Im also about five months into the best relationship Ive ever had, and occasionally get pangs of ' what if I lose the person he fell for' (wow that describes me to a tee, yikes!)

It al stems from confidence in yourself, you have to have a little more belief in you. What struck about your opening post was,

I should probably wrap this up now before I bore you all to tears

that just made me feel so sad. you should never feel like your problems or issues are boring to others. Anyone reading your post or replying are doing so because they want to. Value yourself a little more, you are allowed. you are as important as any other poster here and you need advice as much as anyone else.

And your girlfriend obviously likes you. Time for you to start thinking about why that is, and what the good things about you are. Because theres clearly plenty about you to like.

LegacyUser

Today has been one of the greatest days of my entire life. Put the tea on, I feel this is going to be a long one

In my previous post I spoke briefly of my father. I also stated that my parents divorced when I was but five years old (I meant to say separated, they've since been divorced).

From searching self help websites a common theme that has come up time and time again is that adult insecurities are often related to traumatic childhood events. With this in mind I sat down for several hours today with nothing but a pen and paper and I wrote down everything I could remember about my early childhood to try and piece together this puzzle of mine.

Because this is an emotional problem I'm experiencing I felt that I had to try and relate to my inner child and to look not at the facts of my parents break-up but to examine how it directly affected me and what my feelings were at the time. Obviously I'll have forgotten a lot over the twenty years or so that it's been since then but at the same time if I do remember anything then it must have been quite substantial. After all, aren't five year old boys meant to be as carefree as can be?

I have one vivid memory about my parents separation and it also happens to be one of my very earliest memories. I was five and in the kitchen with my older brother and mother when a letter arrived. My brother ran out to get it and brought t for my mother to read. I remember my brother and I crowding around her as she read it, I don't know why we did this but it seemed important. And it was important, it was a letter from my father's solicitor stating that my parents were now legally separated. My mother told us this and we all started to cry and cry.

Being the youngest child I took the news quite hard. All I wanted was to be like other boys and to have a daddy. But he took that away from me. He made me feel unloved and unwanted. I felt that I was rejected by my own father. We got no christmas or birthday cards since. He would call in to see us every other month which soon turned into every other year and now its been at least six years since I've heard from him.

I've never really come to terms with the whole episode. Its always just been something that has haunted me and something that I rather not speak of. I remember being asked by other boys why I don't have a daddy and I used to lie to them by saying he was away working in England. I didn't want to be any different I just wanted to be normal and to fit in. Back then in the mid 80's separation and divorce were ugly words. I felt as if society wanted nothing to do with my family and I felt as if I myself had done something wrong and had something to be ashamed of.

And so as a young boy and a teenager I dealt with it by lying and forming cover stories. I used to dread lessons in school that were about my home life and being asked by an adult what my father did for a living was very painful. But I managed to put a pretty brave face on things and everything seemed ok in my life. However under this facade I was weak and insecure and in need of help.

So I come to be a young adult and enter the exciting and terrifying world of relationships. In my current relationship everything started off great but now that we have formed a solid bond I feel myself changing for the worse. I don't need to go over what I'm feeling again, see my previous posts for that. I've described myself as being insecure but what I now think I am is someone who is absolutely terrified of rejection.

Now here's why today has been so amazing and eye opening. I've discovered that when I'm in a relationship I take any criticism no matter how insignificant to be a sign of rejection, the same rejection I experienced from my father. This just could not be any more true for me. When I put all the pieces of the puzzle together like this today I suddenly and unexpectedly felt a most astonishing sense of clarity in all areas of my life. You could almost say I found myself.

So obviously when I feel this sense of rejection I react to it. I become clingy and needy and turn into a doormat willing to do absolutely anything for my girlfriend in case I upset her and she leaves me. I stop being myself and just worry about every little detail to the complete detriment of our relationship. I put all the blame on myself for her being unhappy. I see that everything isn't perfect, but everything has to be perfect becuase that's the image I was presenting all my life so it must be correct, right?

But now I have to fix myself. And I'm doing this by trying something I've never done in my life. I've started to talk to my inner child, the boy who's daddy didn't want him. And it's working, the tears I shed right now prove this. I have to tell that innocent little guy that he's so so special and lovable and a precious gift to the world. The day his father decided to walk out on him was a day to be cherished as his father didn't deserve him.

I look back at my humble roots and I look in the mirror now and I can genuinely say that against the odds I genuinely have made something of myself. I can say that I'm proud of myself and that I love myself. I'm in a good job, I was the first person in my family to get a college degree, I've a beautiful girlfriend who loves me for who I am. This is working wonders for my self esteem and confidence.

As for my father, what has he that I need? Nothing. He's an alcoholic and has no love in his life. Certainly not mine, something he is just going to have to miss out on but that's his loss.

I have to learn to accept that life isn't perfect. The facade I had as a child to stop the ridicule of my peers has got to stop because it's just wrong. Nobody is perfect. Heck, I love my girlfriend for her imperfections, its whats makes her special. I have to realise that I'm not perfect but I don't have to be either because no one expects that of me. My girlfriend loves me for who I am so I must be doing something right.

When something crops up between us like she says something not exactly loving to me I have to look at it for what it is and not automatically assume she hates me because she doesn't. She's just being real and honest and this is whats important. It's ok not to get along pefectly sometimes, its all part of a normal healthy relationship. I'll play it ever so slighty cool with her for a while to hopefully undo some of the clingyness so she can start to appreciate me again.

If you're still with me then I must say thanks for reading. I feel amazing right now, like everything makes sense to me in my life. And I feel confident. And proud to be me. And happy to have a girlfriend like her. And I look forward to using the knowledge I gained today to making myself a more well adjusted, secure and above all happier person.

l3LoWnA

Well done and fair play to ya for working on it with yourself!! I take my hat off to you and wish you all the best for the future :D:D

karen3212

Well done from me too.

Turbulent Bill

insecure07 wrote: »

When something crops up between us like she says something not exactly loving to me I have to look at it for what it is and not automatically assume she hates me because she doesn't. She's just being real and honest and this is whats important. It's ok not to get along pefectly sometimes, its all part of a normal healthy relationship. I'll play it ever so slighty cool with her for a while to hopefully undo some of the clingyness so she can start to appreciate me again.
QUOTE]

Nail on the head. You have to be realistic about problems in any relationship: perfection never happens. Looking at your list of insecurities above, it's easy to turn many of them around. For example, 'I'm losing touch with the cool guy she fell for in the beginning' could just as easily be viewed as 'She fell for me because I'm a cool guy', depending on your point of view.

It might be a good idea to discuss at least some of this with your girlfriend, just so she knows what's going on in your head. Good luck!