May have been sexually abused

LegacyUser

I'll probably sound like a total nutcase/freak but please bear with me.

In the last year or two I've been seriously wondering if I was sexually abused in some way as a child and have surpressed it. I don't actually have any clear memory of being abused but I was an extremely nervous, anxious, quiet child and many of my teachers were worried about me and would talk to my mum and ask if everything was OK at home. I lived in a sort of dream world, hardly ever played with classmates and played out these scenarios in my head at lunch and breaktimes. I often imagined I was someone else/somewhere else.

I was aware of sex as far back as I can remember - I was always touching my genitals/masturbating but I've read thats normal for young children. But I was aware of the whole act of sex and sexual activity between 2 people and the idea seemed dirty and repulsive to me, yet I was somehow obsessed with it. Since I was about 9 years old I lay in bed every night masturbating and imagining I was having sex with someone. When I got older, say when I was about 13 onwards I started to imagine lots of sexual scenarios and even started writing them down, like a erotic novel. It started off fairly normal but by the time I was 15 I was writing about incest and young girls being used/abused by older men. I knew it was wrong and disgusting but it turned me on. I'd write about a page and then feel disgusted with myself and rip it into pieces. I felt like a total freak. Also when I was 13 I used to use chatrooms in the internet and one guy messaged me and asked for pics. I stupidly sent them (normal, innocent holiday snaps) and then he said I had a sexy body and described how he was masturbating to them and what he'd like to to do me. At first I was shocked but soon I began to enjoy the kinky talk with this man, who was probably about 50 and undoubtedly a paedophile. I knew he was wrong and using me but I couldn't stop. I still feel disgusted with myself for doing things like that.

During this time I had very little sexual interest for boys in real life. I didn't have my first kiss until I was 16, and I liked it, but had no desire to go further. I had the idea that sex and anything sexual was dirty and wrong. I couldn't equate sex with a loving relationship. I lost my virginity in a one night stand when I was almost 21, a guy who was walking me home from a night out took advantage (I was very drunk). I enjoyed the sex but then felt disgusted that I had been such a slut to sleep with a stranger. Almost a year ago I met my now boyfriend, my first, and for the first time ever I was able to have sexual activity without feeling utterly disgusted with myself, which I never thought would be possible. We had fairly normal sex for a while but it got progressivly rougher and now I can't get turned on without kinky talk and him being rough with me (biting my nipples hard, slapping my genitals etc). I know my bf is a bit freaked out by the fact I can't enjoy slow, romantic sex anymore. I just can't equate the act of sex with a normal, loving relationship, I feel like I have to separate the two things.

Also (sorry for the guys, this is gross), I've always had a load of problems with vaginal discharge/itching/infections. I'm not sure how normal it is but I had strange heavy (but clear/yellow) discharge since I was extremely young, and then abnormal discharge in my early teens. From about 13 onwards I'd have pink discharge from time to time, really watery discharge, really heavy/green, etc. When I went to the doctor about it she said it was bacterial vaginosis, and treated me for it. I recently went to the Dr about a similar problem and he said virgins can't get BV. Maybe the first doctor was wrong but then I started to wonder if maybe I had had sexual contact as a child resulting in these infections? I have fairly serious problems with an unidentified problem/infection of the cervix and all the Drs seem to think it would be rare to have such problems only 18 months after losing my virginity. Again, I could just have a weird body, I could be misinterpreting the doctors........I don't know.

I am still a very anxious/nervous/paranoid person and get depressed easily. I'm very negative to the extent that I don't really enjoy my life even though everything is going great. Could I have been abused, or is it as simple as being depressed? Am I just a disturbed weirdo with sick sexual ideas? If I had been abused, wouldnt I at least remember something about it? I have no idea who it could have been and until recently the idea didn't even come into my head. I just wish I could be a normal happy positive person and not have so many dark and weird thoughts!!

Rb

Get professional help.

Dalfiatach

To be honest none of us are going to be much use as we'd just be wildly speculating.

Maybe you were abused, maybe ya just like kinky sex. Female plumbing is complicated and seems to go wrong a lot all by itself without any abuse involved, but on the other hand...

This is a job for the professionals, really.

Miss Fluff

Poor you. Go and seek professional help and hopefully you'll find the answers you are looking for.

Nevyn

http://www.drcc.ie/services/counsel.htm

24-hour Helpline

The Dublin Rape Crisis Centre offers a free confidential, listening and support service for women and men who have been raped, sexually assaulted, sexually harassed or sexually abused at any time in their lives.

We also take calls from anyone who wishes to talk about the effects of sexual violence.

Our Telephone Counsellors are available to listen 24 hours a day, 365 days of the year. We take calls on our freephone number from anywhere in the country.

All the counsellors in the Dublin Rape Crisis Centre are aware it can be difficult and takes courage to make contact for the first time. We would like to assure you that every caller to our helpline is treated as an individual with respect and dignity and given the time and understanding they need to get the help and support they deserve. Repeat callers are also welcome.

If you are reading this now and are considering contacting the Centre for any reason, no matter how small, please phone us.

We are here to listen

FREEPHONE 1800 778888

FOR INFORMATION

OR TO SEEK AN APPOINTMENT

http://www.oneinfour.org/about/

Searlait

From the sounds of things, I would say you were abused as a child. Sexual abuse can be quite a complicated thing and the mind can do what it can to protect itself, its a survival mechanism, ie blanking it out. I was sexually abused as a child (10 years old) and even now I don't know how many times it happened. It was someone that stayed in our house for a few months. I blanked it out and around a year later one day as my minded was wandering it just came back to me. I have received counselling for it and have gotten a huge amount of information on it.

Sexual abuse can confuse, the act in itself even though it is abuse, can feel good (as it is your genitals that are being touched), so the fact that you were abused, but that being your first encounter with sexual feelings, can make you feel guilty for enjoying those feelings, but also as the feelings are linked to a deep distress it can hard to recognise sex for what it can be in a healthy, loving relationship to something where you can act out the hurt inside you.

What you are going through is normal and quite indicative of someone who has been abused. Don't feel guilty at all for the feelings you have been going through, sexual abuse is a very complicated thing, sex in itself is a complicated thing. Where you are looking for a 'rougher' sexual relationship and where you mentioned you visited chatrooms etc is the hurt inside you acting out.

I really want to emphasise that you are normal, what you have described is quite indicative of someone that has been abused.

You have issues that need to be dealt with. This is not something that you should try to resolve on your own. Don't worry that you can't remember, it may have happened when you were very young, and that coupled with the mind's survival mechanism could be why you don't remember something specific.

Abuse can take place in varying degrees, from inappropriate touching to full on rape, every single aspect of it is wrong, and not something you are responsible for. Often victims feel enormous guilt, that they are to blame, or the guilt spills out into their own sex lives. Its all very confusing, and multi-layered.

Anyway, I am not a counsellor. I just wanted to put it out there for you before you take any further steps that you are normal, what you are describing is fairly common of someone who has been abused. Please feel free to PM me if you want to discuss it further, or to be put in touch with a good counsellor.

I wish you well.

jubi lee

I think the last poster may have been a bit hasty...


there is nothing that you wrote to suggest that you were abused...

what you describe is all part of growing up for some people. everyone has a different experience obviously...

Maybe go to speak to comeone to give yourself some peace, but you really shouldn't be worried...

you're perfectly normal.

LadyE

I also think there wa snothing your wrote that would suggest you being abused.

If you really think you were, then I think hypnosis can help you remember memories that were blocked out.

I would definatly get some proffessional help with your sexual thought. Incesta and peadophillia should not turn a young girl on.

As for the vaginal discharge - most probably a miss-informed doctor and you may have got infection from masterbating so frequently - not washing hands/instruments used.

I would definatly get some cousilling.

Searlait

jubi lee wrote: »

I think the last poster may have been a bit hasty...


there is nothing that you wrote to suggest that you were abused...

I've attended many conferences over the years on sexual abuse, done extensive work on my own experience, worked with other victims of abuse and abusers too. I am not categorically stating that the OP was abused, only through counseling etc will she uncover the source of these feelings for herself, but it really does point in that direction. For someone who has knowledge on the symptomatic behavior of abuse it is quite apparent to me. As it is stated, this is not a medical forum, I am stating my opinion.

jubi lee

while you may have done research etc it doesn't qualify you to tell the OP that 'she may have been abused'.

surely she herself (with the help of a professional) is the one who can answer this. If it is just paranoia, then saying it looks like abuse etc will only fuel that.

I think a mod should close this thread. the OP needs to speak to a professional and boards.ie will not furnish her validation on whether she was abused or not.

Nevyn

Searlait you are not a insured mdical professional who can give out such opions here on this website.

Op get some professional help.