what I thought was more than a fling

LegacyUser

I was seeing this girl for 2 weeks… Met her through friends, both similar ages and in different colleges. Got on really well with her and after that we were texting each other about every 20 minutes during the day, it was a bit crazy. So on our 2nd night out we went clubbing with friends and we went back to my place where we stayed the night and got very intimate with each other, without going the whole way.

Contact between us was kept at the same pace, and we had another similar couple of nights together. I felt really close to her, but she got insecure one morning after and texted me asking whether I thought she was easy and was I only with her for a bit of fun, and that she only does such things with people she really likes. But I’m no Mr. experience…this was the most I’ve ever done with a girl. And on the previous night when she told me she was a virgin , it surprised me, just because of how quickly things were progressing on the physical side. So I think what the actual issue was that we both thought we were more experienced than we actually were so things got out of hand if you know what I mean.

As I said before she told me she really liked me, but the next day she told me that she couldn’t see us lasting because she didn’t like me as much as she thought and felt no connection between us?!?! I tried to persuade her otherwise, but she kept going on about this lack of connection, and that we were only getting to know each other in the first place, contradicting what she text me the previous day. Now previously she basically accused me of using her and now its me who feels used, and because we did a lot of stuff that I’ve never done before, only to be told there’s no connection, its been really hard to take and I cant accept ending things in this manner.

We haven’t talked in a few days but I’d like to meet up with her and talk about what went wrong. I think things got out of hand in the sense that we jumped the gun on the physical side before dealing with the more basic aspects of getting to know each other first. From reading body language and the like, I’m positive her friends have influenced her too. These college girls from the country love keeping in their groups and can get very jealous. And maybe I gave her too much of an impression of the nice guy image, that’s messed things up with me before.

So I guess what I’m really asking is if there’s anyone here who’s been in similar situations, what is the best way for me to salvage this? I feel really bad the way things hastily progressed and then ended so abruptly. I’d like to take a few steps back because there are so many things I don’t know about her and I’d like to find out. And I think there is a good lesson here for people out there too… no matter how well you think things are going in the early stages of a relationship and no matter what is said to you, feelings can change in an instant, and I can account for similar more hurtful situations involving my friends in the past. Or maybe that’s just life I dunno…sorry for the rant and I apologise if I’m sounding all wussy…just needed to get this out of my system because this is all new to me…

Miss Fluff

Ask her out on a proper date, have a few drinks and a laugh and just talk to her. Quit with the texting, they can be so easily misinterpreted, just bite the bullet and take her out for the night, seems like any progress has been stunted by a number of misunderstandings on both your parts.

davyjose

Call her bluff. Give her all the space (and more) and see if she comes back. If she doesn't, then you haven't missed much and saved yourself the heartache (it'll prove she wasn't interested), but I think you'll have her chasing after you if you play it Mr. Cool.

estar

unregboy wrote: »

I was seeing this girl for 2 weeks… Met her through friends, both similar ages and in different colleges. Got on really well with her and after that we were texting each other about every 20 minutes during the day, it was a bit crazy. So on our 2nd night out we went clubbing with friends and we went back to my place where we stayed the night and got very intimate with each other, without going the whole way.

Contact between us was kept at the same pace, and we had another similar couple of nights together. I felt really close to her, but she got insecure one morning after and texted me asking whether I thought she was easy and was I only with her for a bit of fun, and that she only does such things with people she really likes. But I’m no Mr. experience…this was the most I’ve ever done with a girl. And on the previous night when she told me she was a virgin , it surprised me, just because of how quickly things were progressing on the physical side. So I think what the actual issue was that we both thought we were more experienced than we actually were so things got out of hand if you know what I mean.

As I said before she told me she really liked me, but the next day she told me that she couldn’t see us lasting because she didn’t like me as much as she thought and felt no connection between us?!?! I tried to persuade her otherwise, but she kept going on about this lack of connection, and that we were only getting to know each other in the first place, contradicting what she text me the previous day. Now previously she basically accused me of using her and now its me who feels used, and because we did a lot of stuff that I’ve never done before, only to be told there’s no connection, its been really hard to take and I cant accept ending things in this manner.

We haven’t talked in a few days but I’d like to meet up with her and talk about what went wrong. I think things got out of hand in the sense that we jumped the gun on the physical side before dealing with the more basic aspects of getting to know each other first. From reading body language and the like, I’m positive her friends have influenced her too. These college girls from the country love keeping in their groups and can get very jealous. And maybe I gave her too much of an impression of the nice guy image, that’s messed things up with me before.

So I guess what I’m really asking is if there’s anyone here who’s been in similar situations, what is the best way for me to salvage this? I feel really bad the way things hastily progressed and then ended so abruptly. I’d like to take a few steps back because there are so many things I don’t know about her and I’d like to find out. And I think there is a good lesson here for people out there too… no matter how well you think things are going in the early stages of a relationship and no matter what is said to you, feelings can change in an instant, and I can account for similar more hurtful situations involving my friends in the past. Or maybe that’s just life I dunno…sorry for the rant and I apologise if I’m sounding all wussy…just needed to get this out of my system because this is all new to me…

i think she got scared at all the activity she wasnt used to and just
went into a hasty reverse. ive done this myself, i blame the nuns!!!!!

anyway, dont be over the top, but perhaps send her a nice bunch of flowers
to her digs and send her a card with it. (they have really good value ones
in the flower shop beside havana the restuarant just off capel street if you
are in dublin - 25 euro for a really lovely bunch. no i dont work there)

say

"really enjoyed spending time with you, and am disappointed that it
has ended before I got to know you properly. i would love us to start
again, but if this isnt possible, then best of wishes and im glad i met you"

or something along those lines.

and if that doesnt work then shes totally without a clue of who she is
and what she wants and needs to grow up.

and you can save your romance for someone a little more in tune
with themselves.

you sound like a nice guy, just make sure you stay nice. lots of guys
i chat to say "oh i always get shafted for being too nice"

but my bf is lovely to me, really kind, and nice, and i wouldnt have him
any other way.

stay nice and mannerly please, and dont change!!!!

LegacyUser

stay nice and mannerly please, and dont change!!!!

I disagree - especially with the flowers and the sucking up! Giving her everything at this stage is a rookie mistake. Tbh and I could be miles off here, this girl sounds like a bit of a player. So, play her back. Granted, how you proceed kinda depends on this girls personality...either way I think (unless she's really shy) being an eager beaver would be a huge mistake. Trust me, if she's hot, she knows she's hot and sounds like she just wants the chase to me - tread carefully. I've been in these situations more times than I care to remember and they rarely work out in your favour; esp when you flunk sealing the deal physically - I assume she was completely in control during your intimate moments & you never actually got around to shagging her. Which is fair enough but to relinquish even more control to this girl at this stage will virtually guarantee that you will never shag her. Nah, instead I'd consider completely ignoring her especially with her "oh we lack a connection" bull****. And that's what it is; bull****. At the very least play it very, very cool (don't reveal your hand - be somewhat mysterious and impenetrable)...and don't take anything with this chick too seriously. Hope it works out for ya anyway.

estar

fightinfalcon wrote: »

stay nice and mannerly please, and dont change!!!!

I disagree - especially with the flowers and the sucking up! Giving her everything at this stage is a rookie mistake. Tbh and I could be miles off here, this girl sounds like a bit of a player. So, play her back. Granted, how you proceed kinda depends on this girls personality...either way I think (unless she's really shy) being an eager beaver would be a huge mistake. Trust me, if she's hot, she knows she's hot and sounds like she just wants the chase to me - tread carefully. I've been in these situations more times than I care to remember and they rarely work out in your favour; esp when you flunk sealing the deal physically - I assume she was completely in control during your intimate moments & you never actually got around to shagging her. Which is fair enough but to relinquish even more control to this girl at this stage will virtually guarantee that you will never shag her. Nah, instead I'd consider completely ignoring her especially with her "oh we lack a connection" bull****. And that's what it is; bull****. At the very least play it very, very cool (don't reveal your hand - be somewhat mysterious and impenetrable)...and don't take anything with this chick too seriously. Hope it works out for ya anyway.

shagging, as you so delightfully put it, or meaningful relationship.

perhaps the girls you were interested didnt like the fact you appeared to
just want to seal the deal and that put them off. it certainly would me.

personally it takes me a few months seeing someone to "seal the deal"
(how classy)
i wonder would you interpret this as being a "player". frankly this
type of persuance would really put me off. if a guy cant wait a few
months to seal the deal, then as far as im concerned the "deal" is off.
but then each to his own, im usually interested in having a partner
rather than getting my rocks off. i most certainly am not interested
in impenetrable and mysterious guys if we cant open up and be honest
with feelings and needs then why bother. i recommend that the op
give her one more chance to be honest with what she wants, and then
leave it.

maybe the connection she is looking for is emotional and intellectual
and not just physical in which case that takes time to develop.

then again what do i know, as i dont play games with people.

to my mind playing games with people, is childish, boring, takes far
too much of my precious time. if i cant say to someone i feel x
or i want x and get an honest normal response, i dont wait around.
if someone tries to play me, its an automatic delete. then again
ive been off the scene for a few years, so maybe thats how its done now.

how very tragic. btw fightin falcon you wish WAY too much american
tv - rookie. unless you actually are from the ghetto man, in which case
apologies player.

LegacyUser

shagging, as you so delightfully put it, or meaningful relationship.

No matter what you say, no relationship is going anywhere meaningful until it's been consummated. The sexual behaviour of consenting adults in the first stages of a relationship is a critical factor to consider and honestly appraise since it is both the initiator and prime motivator in all relationships. The FACT is that the girl gave him a lot but not it all and therefore retains a lot of the power in this situation. I just want the OP to know that this is a conscious decision by the girl. She's holding back for a reason and I'm just advising the OP to be aware of this and be wary of her motives. Sorry to be crass, but these are the fundamentals of human relationships. As it stands, the OP wants to shag her and she doesn't want to shag him. The importance of this deceptively simple fact really can't be overstated.

personally it takes me a few months seeing someone to "seal the deal"
(how classy)
i wonder would you interpret this as being a "player".

Of course you are - and it's perfectly normal. In my experience, I'd go so far as to say all girls are playing with you up until they let you have sex with them. That's the point when they take the risk with a guy. This girl is taking no risks (having her cake and eating it to me) so I don't see why the OP should. Her txt bombardment would also have me suspicious as well (annoying, attention seeking behaviour)...I'm just telling the OP to avoid getting love stoned. Fact is some girls just want to have guys wrapped around their fingers, they want the attention, they want to be loved, they want the POWER and it's a truism to say a healthy relationship demands the partners enter it in a spirit of independence NOT dependence. Personally, I think such players should be avoided at all costs for the very reasons you mention...unless of course, you're a player too and you know how to emotionally handle that as well as to honestly assess where you stand with your partner. And it goes without saying that many a happy relationship has been born from two people playing games with each other.

i most certainly am not interested
in impenetrable and mysterious guys if we cant open up and be honest
with feelings and needs then why bother.

Fair play to you. It's a mature and sensible attitude if a little bit boring imo. Unfortunately of course, you could be nothing like the girl the OP is talking about.

i recommend that the op
give her one more chance to be honest with what she wants, and then
leave it.

And I think the OP is guaranteed to never get this girl if he gives her "one more chance" especially if the chance comes laden with flowers and other cheap ploys. That's not playing the game - that's conceding the game. Games are meant to be fun and I think your advice is jumping the gun - in the extreme.

maybe the connection she is looking for is emotional and intellectual
and not just physical in which case that takes time to develop.

Maybe. But would you also consider the possibility that maybe the girl just wants to have fun and isn't looking for a relationship? Would you also concede that this girl could be in fact playing the OP and that she wants to be played back? Or is it more likely that she is just like you?

then again what do i know, as i dont play games with people.

But lots of people do. This girl sounds like a player to me. I reserve the right to be completely wrong of course.

to my mind playing games with people, is childish, boring, takes far
too much of my precious time. if i cant say to someone i feel x
or i want x and get an honest normal response, i dont wait around.

Exactly. I'm telling the OP to not wait around on this girl and not to actively try pursue her - as you are advising.

how very tragic. btw fightin falcon you wish WAY too much american
tv - rookie.

Hahah that's a bit unfair since we're all kinda guilty of that.

LegacyUser

Thanks guys, I appreciate all your opinions, I really do! I guess I’m pretty undecided on how to approach this, but I cant say I’m comfortable at playing the waiting game, I feel I’ll have to take some sort of action soon…so keep the advice and suggestions coming!

Flowers…not sure, but I kinda like the idea of sending her a card. You are right estar, in the sense that it would reveal her true attitude towards me and relationships in general and it is nice to hear that some girls appreciate nice gestures for what they are. In many ways I fit into the introspective Arts student stereotype quite well and I often feel I express myself through writing the best. But I wouldn’t be critical of fightinfalcons views either, being the nice guy got me little meaningful appreciation in school and when you look at things that way, it does get disheartening. And you’ve hit the nail on the head with regards to the ‘lack of connection’ – that was what I was basically saying to her too.

As for the girl herself, well one of her friends did say that she is the type of girl that doesn’t ever seem to ever know what she really wants. It’s a tough one to call…she is good-looking without being overly stunning and outgoing too, but she did tell me that for whatever reason she didn’t get much attention from guys at school and put the head down in her first year at college, not missing lectures and stuff. But now she’s settled into a group and let her hair down a bit, which would explain the way things progressed with us. But she doesn’t have a wealth of experience to be a labelled a player or whatever. I definitely feel I have something to work on anyway.

‘Shagging’, or meaningful relationship…I’d like to have both with this girl. Thanks again, should be online again tomorrow afternoon.