Falling for a Girl with a Kid

LegacyUser

Hey ive start dating a girl recently who i really like but has a kid and all my friends are suggesting i steer away from it and tbh my parents wouldnt agree either i dont give a feck what ppl think i just dunno if this is the right road to go down bearing in mind im only 21 it my be to much for me to young? cause of the kid and everything

Suggestions, Thaughts, Views
Much appricated!
Anon.

Carrigart Exile

hmmmmm wrote: »

Hey ive start dating a girl recently who i really like but has a kid and all my friends are suggesting i steer away from it and tbh my parents wouldnt agree either i dont give a feck what ppl think i just dunno if this is the right road to go down bearing in mind im only 21 it my be to much for me to young? cause of the kid and everything

Suggestions, Thaughts, Views
Much appricated!
Anon.

Its hard, hard work and you have to be prepared for that. You won't get out as much as you would like, evenings in will be subject to constant interuption and, truth be told, you will think the kid manipulates his mum and she is over soft on him/her. That's the downside, what's the upside, it can be highly rewarding if you get fully involved with teh wee family, see the kid grow and mature and know that you help to mould that child. When some of those cracking 'kids movies' come out you have a ready made excuse to go see them:D

Truth be told, only you know who you are and if you are strong enough. Don't go out with the girl just to spite everyone.

LegacyUser

who cares what others think, it's what you think that matters. So what if she has a child. It only becomes a problem if you let it. What age is the child? is the child's father around or likely to cause trouble? I know from experience when i dated someone with a child and the father was never around, missed the kids 1st birthday coz he was off in Ibiza beering with the lads. When he found out I had been at the kids party and had brought gifts he wasn't slow in changing his act and becoming more of a father. i guess he feared being replaced or that the mother would come running back to him after time and he could pick up the pieces. i even got the occasional threatening call from him along the lines of "she'll never call you daddy you p*ick" but water off a ducks back as far as i was concerned.

one thing to consider is if things don't work out but you become attached to the child (like i did) it can be heart breaking for you. Also what effect such a breakup could also have on the child. in my case the mother and i had dated for months before i got to meet her daughter, so i wasn't just an "uncle" that popped round every now and then if you follow.


The other side to the coin is that she may see you as a good catch and is latching on to you. that could be why your friends are warning you off. I know a friend of mine made a point of telling her boyfriend on the second date that she had a teenage girl from a previous marriage and left it up to him to contact her if he wanted to take things further but again she waited months before introducing him to the child. 7 years later they're married with kids of their own and he has got the ball rolling on legally adopting the teenager the day after they got back from honeymoon.

like me he thinks anyone can be a sperm donor but you'll only have one daddy.

How Strange

OP, going out with this girl will be more complicated than going out with a girl without a child. I can understand your parents reluctance as they wouldn't want to see you taking so much on board. But if it works out and they eventually meet the girl and the child I'd bet they would be fine about it. They are just worrying about you and you might have a few arguments at the start but if you stand your ground and do things sensibly (don't drag the girl into arguments, introduce her properly etc) they will come around.

Your friends are just being normal 21 yr old lads. No suprises there but they would also come around quite quickly if you two started dating properly.

Just do what you want to do but be realistic about the situation. As Carrigart Exile said, you won't have as much freedom going out with her. There will be restrictions and you will have to meet and get to know the child.

But it's hardly the most complicated situation to be getting into so if you like her then give it a go.

Beruthiel

doyoucare? wrote: »

she waited months before introducing him to the child.

This is very important.

OP you are young, there is no problem at all with dating someone with a child if you like her, but do not get involved with her child just yet. This is to protect the child, having men come and go is not a good thing and will only confuse them.
When I started seeing my fella, it was also 7 or 8 months before my daughter met him, and even then she only met him in passing for a few minutes. This is a two fold thing, it stopped her from getting involved with him to any degree and it also put no pressure on him.
Yes, baby sitters have to be sorted and she cannot just go out at the drop of a hat, but so what, if you like her these little things should make no difference.

Ishindar

ive been here too and heres what worked for me
U need to forget about what other people think of u.
U need to focus on who u are.
U need to try to understand your path in life and follow it.
whats important here is to understand yourself.

Bendihorse

My boyfriends friend went out with a girl with a kid for almost a year, he was undecided about getting involved at first but they seemed to be getting on great and we all said to him if it felt right then go with it...

He met the kid after a few months and they got on great, he used to take him out playin footie and for spins in his truck (with mammy present of course) the kid was 3 and quite impressionable, was very fond of -lets call him Sean- so everything was great.

Anyway, unfortunatly the relationship petered out after a while, 'Sean' said it made the break up so much harder having the kid involved as they had grown quite attached to each other and when he spoke to the childs mother after break up she said the kid often enquired after him. 'Sean' said he actually missed the child more than its mother when they finished...

You are quite young, (the person im speaking about was 25 when this relationship happened) there are a lot of extra responsibilities when a child is involved... Having said that, if you feel its right and you dont want to loose the girl over then it may be worth giving it a go... If you dont see any future in it then i would say try and keep your distance from the child to save it getting attached to you.

McGinty

Hi Op

It is a hard one, as a single mum myself when I was with an ex he was fine about me having a child but when we broke he felt like he was breaking off with two people, so I think bendihorse gives some very sound advice, but if she is a super girl and you think you will both get on really well I would take the risk, at least you have some inside track from some of the answers here, but don't take it too lightly either.

LegacyUser

Hey guys thanks for the advice & experiences the thing is i went to school with the girl ive known her for years ive seen the kid obviously as a friend i understand more now about getting emotionally attached to the kid il try and not to but its hard to avoid it! shes is a really nice girl that had a ****ty time and i dont think the kid will stop me im not her daddy i dont have to take that responsibility i keep telling myself that!

Anyway im happy the way the dating is going i will keep you all updated as things progress

Thanks a million!

dade

hmmmmm wrote: »

I'm not her daddy i don't have to take that responsibility

At the moment you don't mate but at some point you may have to, if the relationship progresses then you may have to be responsible for that child even if she is not yours. So don't be one of those "let her own father look after it" type of step dads

when my brother met his wife she had a 6 year old, no problem for him and at no point did he ever make any distinctions between her and his own kids.
remember that it take a special type of person to take on someone Else's child (obviously if the relationship goes that far) and you may even come to a situation where if her natural father is in the picture taking him aside and having words. My brother had huge problems with that, every Xmas the father would pop round with a bucket load of expensive presents, stuff my brother and his wife couldn't afford to buy the child, and the kid would play it up as she got older, if she asked my brother for something and he said no she would turn around and say "my real daddy will get it for me then"

Best of luck with it, be happy and enjoy it and all that jazz, and sure if things do work out yay you ready made family without the pain of child birth LOL

LegacyUser

Obviously down the line if things work out, you'll take on a bit of responsibility and get attached to the child. It takes a very mature person to go out with a partner with a child as you have to understand that you will never be number one in the mother or fathers life the child will. Also sensibly mammy and daddys wont just introduce there child to just anyone.

If you like the girl that much go for it, it shouldnt make at difference that she has a child.

just go for it.

Victor

hmmmmm wrote: »

i just dunno if this is the right road to go down bearing in mind im only 21 it my be to much for me to young?

Well what are you looking for in this relationship? I doubt that you have decided its true love and that you want the spend the rest of your days together. Take it easy, don't play hard with her emotions, don't make her choose between you and the child and see where things go.

Oh and ensure you take safe sex precautions.

the_syco

Just remember that you'll be always 2nd, the kid 1st.

Some younger guys may want to go away for the weekend, cinema, do this or that with last minute plans, but with a kid, she won't be able to go until she gets someone to mind the kid.

Once you understand this, and the fact that she may have to cancel plans at the last moment due to the kid being sick, babysitter pulling out, etc, you'll be grand.

dumbyearbook

OP the fact you have to think about it means you know the answer, your 21 theres lads 21 who dont deal with their own kids.

Fair play you say you dont care........

It bothers you really does nt it? Id say so be honest with yourself and her and get out, the best a luck

LegacyUser

Hey everyone,

Thanks for the advice i do realise what your saying and its really sinking in its not true love or any of that i was in a relationship before and it went to deep and i had to breakup, with her but there seems no pressure with this girl at all even with the kid its probably the first relationship ive been in that ive felt no pressure and have been relaxed and its her personality that has me still interested, but if it goes to deep id breakup before anyone got hurt

i have to admit its a strange & new situation for me il just have to see how it goes

Thanks for your experiences views & opinions really apriciate it!
Anon.

l3LoWnA

hmmmmm wrote: »

but if it goes to deep id breakup before anyone got hurt

if it "goes to deep" as you said, then when you breakup someone obviously IS going to get hurt as it's already "gone to deep" That's a selfish way of thinking. I split up with a guy for "going to deep" only recenty and he was bloody well hurt and has me haunted to "try" again ever since. My heart goes out to him but at least I didn't go into the relationship, knowing this man would be a part f my daughters life with the attitude of "well if it goes to deep I'll finish it" and I should damn well hope he didn't have that attitude either.

You are taking on not only this girl, but a family. Are you ready for that? Are you ready to break TWO hearts by finishing it if this girl falls for you in a big way? She is a Lone Parent who is probably searchign for the missing part of the puzzle that makes up the "perfect" little family - and is playing it cool for now, but she's probably over the moon to be involved with a guy who gets on so well with her kid etc.....just tread very very carefully and let her know it's only a bit of fun you're after and nothing "deep" if that's the case.

She might be a great girl and might be very easy going about it all, but it's the child you MUST think off. Little heads have many strange thoughts inside that we don't have the first clue about!!

To be Honest I don't think you're ready to be in this child's life, not with the attitude you displayed above. I'm sorry to say that as I think you are gerat for coming on here to express your anxieties etc. But I'm a Lone Parent and went out with a wonderful fella for a few months this year. Thing is, I live at home and he was from another county so when he came to visit he had to stay with me in my house and we've no spare room so he stayed in my bed. My daughter got on GREAT with him (she's 3) and he was great with her, he made a HUGE HUGE effort but it worked - and myself and himself got on great but he got WAYYYY more into me than me into him and I ended up finishing it. no only was he hurt but I'm sure my daughter wondered where he had gone also. I feel so guilty about it and am going to be extra careful in any future relationship.

That was about 8 weeks ago and my daughter hasn't seen or heard of him since - she's only seen him maybe 5 weekends but he obviously had a lasting impression as only yesterday she found his jumper and named "him" as being the owner of a jumper!


I hope I'm making sense. I feel you will keep on seeing this girl anyways so the best of luck with it. Just try not to let her child get used to having the two of ye together as "parents" as if in the end this girl falls too deep and you finish it, you will be taking what that child see's as "daddy" away from the child - do ya get me?

LegacyUser

l3LoWnA wrote: »

if it "goes to deep" as you said, then when you breakup someone obviously IS going to get hurt as it's already "gone to deep" That's a selfish way of thinking. I split up with a guy for "going to deep" only recenty and he was bloody well hurt and has me haunted to "try" again ever since. My heart goes out to him but at least I didn't go into the relationship, knowing this man would be a part f my daughters life with the attitude of "well if it goes to deep I'll finish it" and I should damn well hope he didn't have that attitude either.

You are taking on not only this girl, but a family. Are you ready for that? Are you ready to break TWO hearts by finishing it if this girl falls for you in a big way? She is a Lone Parent who is probably searchign for the missing part of the puzzle that makes up the "perfect" little family - and is playing it cool for now, but she's probably over the moon to be involved with a guy who gets on so well with her kid etc.....just tread very very carefully and let her know it's only a bit of fun you're after and nothing "deep" if that's the case.

She might be a great girl and might be very easy going about it all, but it's the child you MUST think off. Little heads have many strange thoughts inside that we don't have the first clue about!!

To be Honest I don't think you're ready to be in this child's life, not with the attitude you displayed above. I'm sorry to say that as I think you are gerat for coming on here to express your anxieties etc. But I'm a Lone Parent and went out with a wonderful fella for a few months this year. Thing is, I live at home and he was from another county so when he came to visit he had to stay with me in my house and we've no spare room so he stayed in my bed. My daughter got on GREAT with him (she's 3) and he was great with her, he made a HUGE HUGE effort but it worked - and myself and himself got on great but he got WAYYYY more into me than me into him and I ended up finishing it. no only was he hurt but I'm sure my daughter wondered where he had gone also. I feel so guilty about it and am going to be extra careful in any future relationship.

That was about 8 weeks ago and my daughter hasn't seen or heard of him since - she's only seen him maybe 5 weekends but he obviously had a lasting impression as only yesterday she found his jumper and named "him" as being the owner of a jumper!


I hope I'm making sense. I feel you will keep on seeing this girl anyways so the best of luck with it. Just try not to let her child get used to having the two of ye together as "parents" as if in the end this girl falls too deep and you finish it, you will be taking what that child see's as "daddy" away from the child - do ya get me?

Thanks for the HARD facts makes me think alot more about the situation maybe i should end it now as i seen the girl last nite and the kid called me daddy!! maybe its time to get out before it gets to deep its only been a few weeks like

Victor

hmmmmm wrote: »

the kid called me daddy!!

Accidents happen.

l3LoWnA

Here I go again (No doubting I'm a Lone Parent now seeing as I'm on boards.ie on a saturday night @ this hour :rolleyes:
the joys!!

I'm not advising you to finish it here as you seem happy enough with her but you ARE doubting the relationship already so what does that tell you?! Or are you just doubting it because others are pressurising you INTO doubting it?!? I'm sorry if I came across very blunt! But I'm just letting you know that you need to think seriously about it (which, fair dues to you, you already seem to be doing)

Are you happy the way things are going?

Are you in a position to love both this girl AND her child and be faithful and not get bored with it?

Is she happy?

Is the child happy?

Can you see it lasting?

A week?

A month?

A year?

More?

A life-time?

It seems as if you really like her! What age is the child? How long have you been in the picture? Is the childs' father involved? If he is, then the child is just used to using the name "daddy" towards a male and I wouldn't think TOO much into it. If he's not involved however, this child is already seriously confused. How did the "mammy" react when the child called you daddy? did she correct the child? Or was she pleased?!?! (if so beware! It bothers me ALOT if my daughter calls anyone daddy who shouldn't be called daddy - she only did once in all her 3.5 years, it was her grand-dad and I wasn't long correcting her, poor thing but it has to be nipped in the bud IMO - she has never met her own "daddy" so is probably wondering where the hell he is at this stage but I certainly won't have her presuming it's just any man who comes into her life) Just tread extra carefully and think it all through as soon as you can.

Sounds like this girl and her child are lucky to have you. It's nice to have someone come into your life like that when you're alone with a child. You seem to care for them so belt ahead if it's making you happy and you think you can make them happy in the long term

Don't worry about what your parents or anybody else thinks. (I have a friend who was in a long-term relationship and pretty much in love with a guy, and he with her... and she fell pregnant last year . . . he was delighted and thrilled in every way especially as they had previously lost a baby which had broke both their hearts . . . and he even set up a savings account for the baby of his own accord, it was constant baby-talk from him. For a few months. Suddenly mammy came into the picture and talked what she thought was "sense" into this guy. He split up from my friend, who is a gorgeous and wonderful girl and mother, told her she should have an abortion and she was "trying to ruin" his life and trying to "trap" him amongst other nasty and hurtful and quite shocking things - definately mammies words, not his. I feel this guy will have HUGE regrets down the road for listening to his twisted mother - he was only 20 fair enough but he was happy in the relationship and about the baby even though it was daunting . . . until mammy pulled the apron strings he's attached to a little tighter and interfered! He'll regret all the years he misses of his fabulous sons life, just for listening to her, so mammies don't always know best is what I'm trying to say)

You're your own person and your happiness and success is down to you from now on. You could just as easily have got a girl pregnant when you were 17 or 18 and there wouldn't be a damn thing your friends or family could do about it. Go with your gut instinct, stay happy, maybe talk to her about it, ye could decide together what the best way to describe your relationship is to the child (just don't tell her everyone is telling you to stay away from her!) good luck!

Tread carefully, think it all out and if you decide you really aren't ready for the commitment, try to finish it ASAP...like...now might be good :P Think how boody hard it will be to finish it and detach yourself and possibly hurt BOTH of them if it's near christmas, after a lovely christmas together, near the childs birthday, near the mammy's birthday.....etc etc, there's never a good time, but sooner is always better than later, if that's your intention!