What would you do?

LadyMayBelle

Last night around two coming home from a pub, my friend and I spotted a girl sitting by the water near spanish arch (not the side with the apartments, you know the walkway in the middle?)about half way down, on her own. A guy who was walking towards us shared some concern and asked if we would approach her (our intention was to do so anyway), as he was afraid to do so on his own(smart guy). She was clearly upset, and wanted to be left alone.My assumption was that she was sober (I was and figured I could tell)..obviously, since I had approached her and asked what she was doing down there on her own at 2am, I couldnt just leave her there. we had a chat for about fifteen minutes, but all the while requested that I leave and re assured me she 'wasn't going to do anything stupid', and that 'nothing would happen to her'.She was quite stubborn but polite, even when I offered alternative, we would walk her home, might she sit somewhere better lit(!).

What would other posters have done? Why is it that, especially in light of what happened last week, would a young girl choose to sit in a dark, unlit and isolated area. (and unfortunately I know what some people are going to suggest) Are people not getting the message?

I will explain what happened, but I'm curious to know other peoples opinions.

snubbleste

If it had been a young man sitting on his own, would the guy who approached you or you do the same or just keep going?

LadyMayBelle

excellent point there. I can honestly say, and call me what ever, but I do not believe I would approach a young man at that time at night, sitting by the river. I cannot speak for the gentleman who expressed concern.

DonalN

LadyPennyworth wrote: »

excellent point there. I can honestly say, and call me what ever, but I do not believe I would approach a young man at that time at night, sitting by the river. I cannot speak for the gentleman who expressed concern.

yea, but if you read in the paper the next morning that a guy had jumped in, would you feel bad for not going over?

LadyMayBelle

what is that supposed to me, of course, if I read in the paaper that I guy I walked past had jumped into the rivre I'd feel terrible. But that isnt the point.
The tide was also out.

wet-paint

I've gone and done exactly that before, having had to talk young women down off of the Salmon Weir bridge.
You have nothing to lose and potentially everything to gain.
Worst case would be that he or she's depressed and suicidal, you go over and try and sit with them, guy or girl, they give you platitudes and blow you off, you go away feeling slightly unsure if they were telling you the truth. You find out next day they indeed committed suicide. You might feel bad, but you made a determined and honest attempt to look out for the safety and well being of a stranger. That's more than a lot of people would have done.
You're not your brother's keeper.
Fair play for intervening, but don't let yourself be ridden with guilt and What if's if someone does indeed die.

wet-paint

Also, if it's a stranger to the town who doesn't know the dangers of bogeymen etc, I'd pop down and give her a bit of advice, and then move on.

LadyMayBelle

fair play to you wetpaint. It is a difficult one to know what to say, I mean the very fact we got involved means we couldnt leave a person after we have intervened. I mean, this girl was visibily upset and was quite insistant we leave, however, isnt that more likely to make you stay?

After sitting with her for about fifteen minutes, I told her I was going back to my friend and the guy who stayed with my friend, and we would give her space as requested, but were not leaving until we knew she was safe. It was all well and good her wanting to be alone, but we certainly weren't impressed. It was hard to know what to do next, and I know she was guilt ridden into getting up and walking home. It's not like we chased her home, but wanted her away from (A)the river and (B) such a dark lonely area. I'm afraid at that we have to make the assumption she arrived home safely. I'm sure she did.

I guess what I'm saying really is to please please be careful and don't put yourself inot vulnerable situations and stick with your friends.

LadyMayBelle

wet-paint wrote: »

Also, if it's a stranger to the town who doesn't know the dangers of bogeymen etc, I'd pop down and give her a bit of advice, and then move on.

again that's true, what if she'd just arrived into town assuming it's all good...but yes.

Ruffty^

Is this the gear you wore to the pub ?

Decent thing you did for a stranger, not many people would do that.

Fey!

Not an easy decision to make. I've done it in the past, but from a male perspective one must be extremely careful, as you may end up accused of all sorts of things for just trying to do your civic duty.
Also, I'm not a small guy, and don't come across as particularly friendly (you wouldn't have guessed that from seeing my posts on here, would you???); appproaching a girl on her own can give them a nasty shock and frighten them more than they possibly already are.
Fair dues for trying to look out for someone elses safety; common decency seems to be less and less common these days.

LadyMayBelle

Fair play again to you Fey; they guy who first spotted here was in an awkward spot, hanging about a good distance from her till some girls approached, aware that he couldnt go near her, or risk the consequences..


So please just look out for each other (with the risk of sounding exactly like a day time chat show host) and watch out for anything suspicious...

Lockstep

snubbleste wrote: »

If it had been a young man sitting on his own, would the guy who approached you or you do the same or just keep going?

BBC did an experiment a couple of years ago where they had both a man and woman lying on the ground, groaning in pain.

THe woman attracted aid almost immediately, the guy was there for a couple of hours or some time like that.



A huge problem nowadays is that people are afraid to get involved, even if they see a confrontation. A lot of them see them as domestic disputes and don't want to interfere.


I'm probably the most harmless guy possible, but I'm fairly tall and amn't the friendliest looking person. I used to be a skinhead before scaring too many old ladies. It's a shame as whenever they were in difficulty, and I tried to help, they were (understandably) terrified. Having a shaved head has that kind of effect,

PopeBuckfastXVI

I talked a guy out of jumping off the quay in Waterford a few years ago... troubles with his Girlfriend if I remember correctly, myself and housemate brought him back to our apartment and got him good and hammered and let him sleep it off.

Fey!

I remember several years ago having to break into a car in Silver Strand one evening. We were out for a walk, and a guy ran up to us saying that his girlfriend was locked in her car with a pile of pills and a bottle of vodka. We went over and saw that she was unconscious, and had to break in one of the back windows (they'e tougher than they look!!!). This being before the days when everyone had mobiles, we had to shift her to our car and bring her to the hospital. Then we had to report to the gardai that we had just broken into some random strangers car!!

Kind of surreal.

Mrs OBumble

I'd have rung the gardi and made her their problem: they're pretty good at getting people to move along ...

dame

JustMary wrote: »

I'd have rung the gardi and made her their problem: they're pretty good at getting people to move along ...

Just what I was going to say.
They've received some training on how to deal with drunk or suicidal or distressed people. Let them deal with it.

annmarie124

dame wrote: »

Just what I was going to say.
They've received some training on how to deal with drunk or suicidal or distressed people. Let them deal with it.

isnt that just passing the buck? what ever happened to helping out a fellow human being. one act of random kindness can change everything. in these times everybody has to look out for each other even if you dont know the person in question

dame

If you try to help someone but don't succeed then you'll forever be running it over in your mind.....why didn't I try this or that.....why did I believe them when they said they were fine....
I'm speaking from experience.

As well-meaning as someone may be, if you don't have any training then you would be as likely to say the wrong thing as saying anything that would help. You don't know the person, you have no idea what has brought them there., you don't know whether they've just had a break-up or have just found out they've got a life-threatening disease or if they're just hiding out trying to freak out their family or boyfriend. Get them professional help and then leave well enough alone.

Scobius90

ladypennyworth, well done!
having recently endured the death of a friend by suicide I can only wish that I was there to convince that person of the error of their ways.
you did the right thing and by all accounts in a kind and thoughful manner. I would hope that girl realises what a good act of kindness you performed.
well done!

LadyMayBelle

yeesh, not looking for any of that..so sorry about your friend. What a tragedy.I had an similar experience a while back and you do spend so long wondering what if I had said this, or what if we had done that... And of course they will always be times when nothing we can say or do will help, but we just don't know do we. So I'm up for trying, not nagging, but supporting.

LadyMayBelle

annmarie124 wrote: »

isnt that just passing the buck? what ever happened to helping out a fellow human being. one act of random kindness can change everything. in these times everybody has to look out for each other even if you dont know the person in question

and I agree with you here annemarie124, we cant just run away and pretend we didnt see something..which can be easy to do and often the more preferable option!

Mrs OBumble

annmarie124 wrote: »

isnt that just passing the buck? what ever happened to helping out a fellow human being. one act of random kindness can change everything. in these times everybody has to look out for each other even if you dont know the person in question

Nope.

There are some situations where an act of untrained random kindness can be effective, but dealing with potentially suicidal people ain't one of them. I pay taxes to the government so that they can put trained professionals on the streets to deal with things like this.

Similarly, if I saw someone having a heart attack, my first action would be to call an ambulance (or tell someone else to). Only after that would I put my non-medical-professional CPR skills into use to try to help until the professional arrives.

leninbenjamin

at the same time though Mary, you wouldn't leave the person who has the heart attack until any aid has arrived. if you fear someone is suicidal you shouldn't leave them on their own either. just listen and humour them til someone who knows what they are doing gets there if you'd be that bothered as to ring the services.

LadyMayBelle

I'd hope to god if I was having a heart attack someone who come to may aide rather then say 'wait, Ive called the emergency services, they'll be ten minutes, you'll be fine' and head off. Surley someone would try make you feel comfortable and if the situayion got worse they'd proceed with aide if they knew how. Someone else would intervene if not before services came..

dame

Yes, but wouldn't you prefer them to call the ambulance first before trying to do anything themselves LadyPennyworth? That's the bit you're not taking on board. All well and good sitting talking to someone who may be suicidal, but you shouldn't do it instead of calling professionals. Fine talk to them, wait with them until professionals arrive, but do call the professionals.

By the way, nobody said you shouldn't wait with the girl, just pointing out that you should have called her some proper, appropriate, professional help.

How can you be sure that the woman you spoke to for a while and possibly did "help" (that time), won't do something drastic another time? Perhaps she didn't that night and perhaps no harm has come to her in the meantime, but has she gotten any professional help in the meantime? If you had called the guards they would have spoken to her family and between them all she'd probably be receiving some form of treatment now. Also, her nearest and dearest would be aware that all was not right and would be keeping a close eye on her and her well-being. As it stands, she probably wandered off home, said nothing to anybody, and did nothing to ease her feelings/state of mind or get help.

LadyMayBelle

good advice dame, thanks for that. sorry if my poitn came across different from what I meant to say.Of course, maybe I eluded in my last post that obv call in professionals. This girl was up and gone home.I know Im no judge of declaring someone suicidal or anything, so please no one accuse me of doing that. In all honesty the main concern we had with her was not that she was suicidal,also the fact the tide was way out (not that that may stop anyone, I know there are other ways)but rather that she was in a dangerous spot for an attack. That is where this thread has gone a little off topic i think. basically it was a dangerous spot, she was a little upset over a boy, and really needed to be sittng somewhere where they maybe was streetlight or more passerbys.

ScumLord

dame wrote: »

By the way, nobody said you shouldn't wait with the girl, just pointing out that you should have called her some proper, appropriate, professional help.

A freind and I found a guy sitting by the side of the river in my town. We called the cops and they came down (from the next town our own cops don't spend more than 5 minutes at the barricks) and just said "what do you want us to do about it?" and left. In the end I told him to jump in. The water was no more than 5" deep. He felt stupid, we laughed and that was the end of it.

LadyMayBelle

i suppose he had to have a giggle at that...altho you can drown in five inches of water Ive been told...in the end we made the decision no to call the gaurds...but I suppose in a way, who do you call? had this been a serious case, If the tide was high and she was pretty sure she wanted to jump(many of the posters here have had experience in talking people out of that, fair play) then perhaps, but it was out of concern for her safety because an attacker may approach her that we asked was she okay...


who do you call at that time of night when something serious like that arises? I am familiar with domestic violence incidents where the cops really dont know what they are doing, and have to wait for 9am when support staff come on duty..