Too hurt to love again?

LegacyUser

I appreciate any help anyone can give me on this one. Im a bit confused here. Ill lay it out anyway.
I really really really like this girl. Well call her X. We get on so well its unbelieveable.We cry for laughing when we are togeather and I know she feels the same way. So far so good.

Now heres the problem, She was in a long term relationship when the guy dumped her out of the blue in a really cruel way. It broke her heart and she had a tough time getting back to where she is now. There are a few things shes still dealing with as she had a seriously rough time, stuff that most people might have broken under but shes one of these really strong focused gals and ploughs her way through it.

I know she feels the same way as I do. Its over a year since he left her so she has had enough time to move on and she is ovr him no question about it. He was not a good boyfriend to her, Ive gathered this from her friends not her, she doesnt talk about him at all. But she avoids any sort of committment conversation and says she just wants a no strings attached relationship. I dont even know if Im the only guy she is seeing, I dont get to ask questions like that. Its killing me inside the wanting to know but I think she would back off even more if I tackeled her on it.
Wht do i do? I dont want to risk losing her but think i might if i try to sort this out.She would run for the hills as soona s i opened my mouth. Is it possible that she is scared to go into a relationship with me or am i being strung along? Has anyone any openers for me on a chat like this? Id really appreciate all the help i can get here. Shes beautiful and wonderful and id like to get to know her better as she holds an awful lot of stuff back. I get a morsel of information and then its like she regrets telling me it and closes off both physcially and emotinally. Its like until shes forgotten shes mentioned it nd then carries on. Is this behaviour normal?

thanks guys for any scraps you can throw me here. ill take anything!

Id be careful. U mite be the rebound guy. Also u havent told us if u and her have been intimate cos if u havent theres a very strong possibility that you are friendzoned, and if thats the case then Im sorry to be blunt but theres a BIG chance that ur screwed. Im not tryin to be a killjoy but if this is the case u had better be careful not to get yourself hurt. If thats not the case and u are "in a relationship" with her then disregard the bit about being friendzoned but not the rebound guy. people traditionally think of rebounds as straight after a relationship but thats not always the case cos some people go into a metaphorical hermit like state seeing nobody for months after a bad break up and then the first person they get with is a non serious "rebound". Id be especially careful since she has specifically told u that she is looking for a no-strings relationship. I know how difficult the next part will seem but u need to sit her down and tell her how u feel and if she is not on your wavelength then u should discontinuee the relationship (if there is one). now I also know that if thats the case then unfortunately your being emphatuated with her is possibly going to overrule doing that and u will be content to trudge along in the hope that she will come to feel the same way but I have seen that this is rarely how it works out and it will double how badly hurt u could get, so just be careful, get your feelings out in the open and see if she reciprocates.

People behave in different ways when it comes to heartache. Hearts get broken and then barriers get put up and it is 100% dependant on the person and how they took it how strong and robust those barriers will be. They say it takes half the time a couple were together for them to get over each other. She is entitled to wanting space and a relaxed relationship and whatever u do dont try to force her onto your wavelength.

Ideally she will feel the same and it will work out but dont sacrifice your integrity to be led along. She may be great but nobody is so great that theyre worth putting up with them not being quite as into u as u are to them. A strong and healthy relationship is mutual.


I hope it works out for u buddy. Sit her down and talk to her as soon as possible.

LegacyUser

hey...thanks for replying wit such a great answer man, thats really cool advice. I feel like im walkin a tightrope here and it can wobble either way completly. I dont know if i want it to end tho, cos i think i can see us going somewhere if she hangs on in there. but youre right, i hate to fkn say it, but i think your bang on the money there.

feck

that blows

whatsherproblem

whatsherproblem wrote: »

hey...thanks for replying wit such a great answer man, thats really cool advice. I feel like im walkin a tightrope here and it can wobble either way completly. I dont know if i want it to end tho, cos i think i can see us going somewhere if she hangs on in there. but youre right, i hate to fkn say it, but i think your bang on the money there.

feck

that blows

She may well feel the same dont get me wrong but its very important not to be naive and believe she definitely will or she will learn to. Just be prepared in case it goes bad. U are walking on a tightrope and u could fall either way, it could go good or it could go bad, thats life man and life wouldnt be fun if the risk of it bein bad wasnt there! Talk to her and worst that can happen is she doesnt wanna know, it wont be the end of the world...itll just feel like it is for a few days or a week. You will get over it and if this doesnt work out u will find someone else who will feel the same back towards u so dont beat urself up too much about it. People rarely get things right the first time so we'll all bound to go thru some ups and downs when it comes to relationships so just remember that if it does go bad that this was one of the "downs" but there are "ups" ahead of u.

Mr. Incognito

Patience is a virtue........if you thiink she's worth it.

Lemming

I am, perhaps, the last person who should be writing anything in the realms of 'advice' for anyone else on PI considering how f*cked my mind is right now, but as Neil has said, if you decide to see where things lead, be prepared to take whatever negative things come your way because of it (if they do). Only you can make that decision so keep that in mind.

And good luck. I hope it works out in a way that both of you are happy to deal with, whatever may come.

milkerman

You have to come clean with her and see what happens. You risk investing a lot of effort & love in someone that will never reciprocate.
Ask her where she wants to go with this relationship, just be ready to move on if you get a kick in the knuts.
Best of luck

pretty-in-pink

She will probably relax and let the barriers down in time. Until then repect her need for space, and she will apreciate it. You will know when the time is right for *that* talk , until then enjoy what you have, and if you want to watch over her do. Se could probably do with friends right now

LegacyUser

so, I done it.
Just to clarify, we have been intimate. alot.and thats something that brought my feelings right to the top cos i cant enjoy sex without some connection there.i can as a man and carnal being, but its way better when theres something there.

anyway i sat her down last night and just had it out with her. i needed the answers and kind of cornered her without meaning to. i didnt do a very good job despite the advice given here. i just lost it a bit cos it meant so much to me to know what she is thinking.

and ya know what?

I STILL DONT FECKIN KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!

she says ahe does like me alot but does not want to enter a relationship. and whats wrong with the way we are going? I said i wanted more, even some form of committment to steady things up a bit. she tried to get up out of the chair at that point so i put my arms out to sit her down again and she shrugged me off.

so i done something really stupid.

I kissed her really hard and told her we were sorting this out now. but we ended up having sex (not that im complaining!) and she went to shower after and there was no more talk. I think ive just been had. She knew if i got aroused i would take care of that end of things and now i feel like i shoulda zipped it and finished the conversation. so now i dont know still and unless i strap her to a chair, i dont know if i can broach the subject again. but i think she used sex to avoid the confrontation and that is mashing my head all morning now.

theres avoidance and theres going to extremes. im stuck in the non talking corner now cos i think she was sending me a clear messadge last night. should i leave it a wile befor i try again?

thanks for any views on this.

Storm_rages

whatsherproblem wrote: »

she says ahe does like me alot but does not want to enter a relationship. and .

I think she may have told you what you don't want to hear!
sorry

Teddi

hey mate, sorry to hear about your little dilemma,

First off, and dont take offence, having sex with her was a bad thing to do, I think she used that as a defence mechanism and thought you were weak enough to go ahead with it. You should have thought with your big head, not your small head...ya know?

As it stands at the moment, I see things being in her court, she now knows how you feel, so if there was any time to give her space, its now mate. If you push things any more now things could get worse.

Maybe send her a txt, apologises for being brash and to tell her that you'll be there if she wants to talk about it and that you'll give her plenty of space (thats what id do anyway )

She obviously likes you enough to bed you, just be patient and hopefully the rest will follow.

good luck mate

LegacyUser

the thing is, i really believe if i had just made her sit down again and not thought with, as so well put!!! my smaller head , there is a tiny tiny chance she would have come to an accord of some sort in my favour...this is whats melting my head this morning.

Just for a moment, a smal small moment, i saw something there. I DID!!! I know i did. Im 100% convinced of this. If i hadnt gotten carried away i could have had an answer in my favour.

I really believe this and the more i think about it stiing here all mrning not able to read a word in front of me, the more i frek out. jesus, have i just blown the chance(pardon the pun) to actually bring this to the net level?cos thats exactly where i want to go with this chick 100% positive.

Holy crap. im freaked out here. im scaring myself. I feel like a stalker all of a sudden.

Ok, so u seem to have made a bit of a mess of this. U should never lose the head in any argument (easier said than done) but in the case of sitting down with a partner to discuss a grievance its absolutely essential that u keep your cool. Having said that u did the right thing by getting everything out there and alls not lost yet cos she hasnt told u she doesnt want to see u she just confirmed in her own way that she doesnt want a relationship.


She has implicitly answered you. She said she wants no relationship, she just wants to enjoy sleeping together and enjoy it for what it is to her....a casual fling with no commitment. Im sorry dude but that seems to me to be what she things of it all. U shouldnt ever lay a hand on her in any way shape or form because that gives her ammo and u never want to give ammo to the person when u are trying to confront them on something.

The way I see it, she figured that by sleeping with you she'd shut you up (it worked) and now i think she thinks that she has dodged the bullet. To be honest if I were to give u my honest advice Id say to cut your losses now before u get in so deep that u get badly hurt. She seems to know what she wants and it doesnt sound like shes gonna change her mind on that especially considering she was happy to use sec as a tool to avoid the conflict. I know u seem to be mad about her and u may well let yourself go along cos ur happier to be with her in this capacity than not at all and if ur gonna do that just make sure u are careful cos if thats the case then theres a strong possibility it could go assways for u.

Id advise u to walk away but I have a feeling u may not so ill give u another piece of advice....IF u want to persue her and win her over, whatever u do u need to realise that behaving like a lovesick puppy and falling at her feet all the time isnt gonna be the way to do. I wouldnt be entirely convinced this is one u can win cos I seriously think u mite be the rebound guy but if ur gonna give it a shot then u need to play it cooler. Dont always call her and be there at her beckoning call. Continue as she wishes, i.e casually seeing each other with no commitment and dont act desperate. Dont make yourself overly available to her and then u just gotta hope that she comes around to really like u. This is a long shot solution though and I repeat if I were u Id walk away from it cos it sounds like its destined to get messy.




Sorry to hear it didnt work out as you hoped.

Gyalist

You clearly are not listening to the answer that the woman is giving you probably because you don't like the message. She is saying that the does not want a committed relationship with you. Maybe she'll change her mind later but her message and actions at the moment are clear.

In my experience, I've found that it's always unwise for the man to try to establish the relationship status. Leave it to the woman to bring up "the talk" and then sell your commitment very dearly. If I were in your position I'd have continued with the relationship as it was or if, as it seems in your case, you need commitment in order to establish intimacy in the relationship, I would have moved on to someone else who was willing to provide it.

As it is, by verbalizing your feelings you have sold the farm very cheaply and given her all the power in the relationship.

OP does she regularly instigate contact between the 2 of u and organise that u 2 hang out alone or is it u doing all the running there??

LegacyUser

oh my god....i read this post and thought it was me. i am the girl who u are talkin about. well not technically but i am doing the same thing. i like this guy alot, but i dont want to be in a relationship at all at the moment. he is being really nice and telling me that he will wait until im ready. i know that this guy is the perfect guy for me too and we could be so happy together... but i cant seem to let myself. i was doing the same this that she was doing to you im afraid.

she is doing this to you because u are letting her get away with it. doesnt mean she doesnt like you but its as if she is taking her anger on what her last fella did to her out on you by keeping you on a leash. and is nice enough and cool enough to you in doses to keep you interested and fascinated.

be strong with her, ignore her for a little while, make it seem like u are losing interest and she will come crawling back to you. she needs to know that you are a stronger person. brave enough to take her on.

good luck

LegacyUser

Whao! Talk about having yer bubble burst. really??but i know i saw something there. i texted her as advised - thanks man - good idea. i said sorry if i was a bit full on and understand that she needs space and am more than happy to give it. I think ill let her and me cool off a bit for a few days and see what happens. its up to her to contact me now i think. ive put my cards on the table. i know she said no, but theres a bit of me that doesnt fully believe that.

but now that yeve brought me back to earth with a bit of a bang on the nose, im seeing it a bit clearer now. she contacts me all the time as well so its not just me doin the chasing here in that respect. Glayist, im hearing her loud and clear but im not believing her. no worries man, im not turning into some mad stalker, but im unwilling to let this go without putting up some sort of fight. Id not go down the lovesick puppy route either, ive shown my hand and thts as far as it will go. if there is no recriprication over ht enext few days , ill take it for what it is and hopefully go back to being great shag buddies. maybe. im not sure if thats the brightest thing to do, but shes beautiful lads and thats too damm hard to resist.

Yea try laying off a little bit and being a bit thick with her, not in anything you say to her, just dont go jumping at her beckoning call. "Treat em mean, keep em keen".......not the biggest fan of this rule, a bit of casual banter aside its not healthy but in this case u should do what the above poster said and ignore er a bit. U have told her how u feel so she knows what the story is. Its now upto her to decide what to do with that knowledge. Balls in her court. Let her be the one to get the ball rolling again. Sit back and play it cool.


Hope she comes around anyway. But like I said already, be careful/wary until such time as she proves to u that she respects you and values u as much as u do her.

Teddi

hey man..

I think unreggggg put it best to be honest, she says that she's basically in the exact same situation but on the opposite end of the story.

Unfortunatly it comes back down to the old "mind games" which everyone..INCLUDING myself absolutely ****ing hates! shes taking out her revenge on the dickhead ex, using you as a punch bag (i mean that in the kindest sense )

The second that she thinks that your not bothered anymore...as unregggg put it, she'll come craweling back to you (fingers crossed ) the human species wants what it can't have, and when she thinks for a second that she can't have you?......I'm sure you'll be seeing a change in her attitude towards you, and im sure it will be a much more positive than what you've been seeing as of late.

In a way, the ball isnt entirely in her court, grab yourself a rack mate...You'll need it!

keep positive buddy

Teddi.