Sponger-in-law, what to do.

milkerman

Almost two years ago one of my in-laws was in some financial embarressment. The sum in question was just under 10k. My other half, being the kind (but niaive) person she is, persuaded me to going along with baling her sister out from our savings & holiday money.
The in-law subsequently got her affairs in order but there was no sign of our 10k. My wife dropped hints last year, I asked her about it last Halloween. I raised the issue again at Christmas - the answer on each occasion was 'I need more time'.
Fair enough I suppose, she is family and I am a little more humane than the banks. I got really peeved though when I discovered this lady was just back from a two-week holiday in Spain. WTF? Pay your debts before going on hollidays!
So, when this lady turned up at one of my kids birthday party I flipped. Basically I told her that by taking our money she had disadvantaged my children (we had no holiday this year) and that I wouldn't facilitate her easing her conscience by throwing the little ones a few euros. I then told her to go to hell and not come near me or mine again. OK, I admit it, I went OTT but I was really thick & had to get it off my chest.
Problem is, my wife wants me to apologise for my outburst. Normally I am man enough to say sorry but in this case I dont regret it. In fact I am annoyed with my wife for not having kept her family in order.
What do ye think? Apologise or what?
PS. Am still waiting for a cheque.

Nuttzz

i would apologise for losing the rag with her, but i would also make it clear that i wasnt apologising for looking for my money back and that i wanted the money returned and a time frame for its return

PeakOutput

say you will apologise as soon as she shows commitment to resolving the problem herself ie making her first installment

LegacyUser

u expressed your feelings accurately on the subject and rightly so. U do not owe the sponger in law an apology of any kind.
U do however owe your wife an apology for not considering her in this situation and the timing of your confrontation.
It is your wifes responsability to you keep her family in order but this can be a difficult challenge for anyone.

Knockoff Nige

I would have done the very same thing so I stand right behind you on this one. Plus, I'd be looking for an apology from her. Your completyely right about your kids losing out. You put yourself at risk by not being able to avoid a crisis of your own when you gave her the money. Stand your ground and dont let her away with it. People treat other people really poorly sometimes. When its family, there is no excuse. I'd have flipped and probably have sat her down, ran through her financial situation on paper and figured out there and then how this money was going to come back.

As hindsight is 20/20, you already know now that lending money to family is bad bad business.

The Queen

Apologise for shouting, but tell her you stand by your comments. Going on hols while owing 10k? That is disgraceful. Your wife needs to grow a backbone. Both of you need to sit down with with this woman and demand in no uncertain terms that you want your money repayed.

Surely there is some kinda of legal route you can threaten with if you don't get a satisfactory answer from her? Any lawyers in the house?!

DeVore

Ask your wife if she would like you to lie because thats what you would be doing, since you arent sorry. I do think you should probably apologise to your wife for putting her in a difficult spot without consultation but it sounds the a "spur of the moment" outburst.

You certainly could have handled it better but there is sometimes no harm in letting people hear the anger because its there and its real and they are mistaken if they think everything is alright, because its not.

You're sis-in-law is playing you guys for chumps. She will never have the 10k in a lump sum if everytime she gets 2k together, it goes on a holiday. I mean, can you ever have had too many holidays?? So get your wife to tell her you want 200 a month or something, until its paid off. Its gonna take a long time but its better then never.
Either that or tell her to go to one of those new fangled bank things and get a loan. Pay interest?? Awww diddums.

DeV.

echosound

I don't blame you for getting mad, it sounds like she's been ignoring the polite hints you've been making so the only way to get through was to lay it all out bare!
In your situation I'd apologise for the shouting (ie the manner in which you brought it up), but remain firm on the repayment of the loan. As you said, she's just back from holidays while owing that much money to you??? If we're a bit cash-strapped, the first thing to go are the weekends away and holidays, sorting out financial commitments comes before a nice little break away in the sun! The very fact you had to forfeit your own family holiday would enrage me if I were you, plus your savings are 10k down and what if something came up that you needed those savings for? Will she have the 10k ready to bail you out?

Tell your wife you'll talk to her sister when she arrives over with the first installment of the 10k, and apologise for shouting, but in all fairness the sister should be apologising too for leaving you waiting for your money for so long while making no attempt to repay it. I know your wife probably feels stuck in the middle, family ties and all that, but reverse the situation -if you needed 10k of a bailout, would the sister help you out? would you leave her waiting for her money back for over 2 years? Surely she could have been making some effort, even if it was only putting away 50 quid a week, if she had gone to the bank they'd have her in court by now.

Knockoff Nige

Knockoff Nige wrote: »

I would have done the very same thing so I stand right behind you on this one. Plus, I'd be looking for an apology from her. Your completyely right about your kids losing out. You put yourself at risk by not being able to avoid a crisis of your own when you gave her the money. Stand your ground and dont let her away with it. People treat other people really poorly sometimes. When its family, there is no excuse. I'd have flipped and probably have sat her down, ran through her financial situation on paper and figured out there and then how this money was going to come back.

As hindsight is 20/20, you already know now that lending money to family is bad bad business.

U said everything I was gonna say.




But thats absolutely lousy going away on holidays when u werent able to. U should apologise to your wife but not to the in law.

Beruthiel

Yes, you probably could have handled it better, but if I were to let loose like you did, it would be a cold day in hell before I apologised. The absolute cheek of her to go on hols and deprive your family of one.
I would insist that she go to the nearest bank, get a loan and give the money to you. Screw that paying you back bit by bit, by the way she has behaved so far, that won't work.

milkerman

Thanks for the comments.
Funny thing is that OK I shout when I am mad but tend to speak slowly with conviction & careful pronunciation when I am really really mad. In this case there was no shouting. It was a spur of the moment thing, tbh it was the tan that triggered me.
Sadly for me I know I have made the wrong move as this woman is probably painting herself as a victim of my pure nastiness. This will help her convince herself that she is quite in the right by not paying anything back. Legal redress would probably lead to nothing - who else will lend money to her now?

As for wifey? well I never pretended to be perfect and I will just have to weather the storm. Apologise to that bitch? Nah, I said it as I saw it. The more I think of it, the greater the truth I see in my comments.
Time to keep my head down, flowers perhaps for wifey & regret the way it all just slipped out - but no apology.

BaZmO*

Feck this apology nonsense!!! You were dead right. The fact that you even had to mention it to her or drop hints 2 years after lending her the money rings alarm bells. I could understand having to remind her if it was just a couple of hundred quid but 10K??? :rolleyes:

After that amount of time if she was still not in the position to pay back the money the decent thing to do would be to at least let you know that she hadn't forgotten about it. But the real humdinger is the holiday she decided to take even though you had to forfeit yours after helping her out.

I know dealing with inlaws can be tricky business at the best of times but as Mike Strutter would say, "What's right is right!!" Your sister inlaw is in the worng and it's her that should be apologising to you.

threebeards

Beruthiel wrote: »

I would insist that she go to the nearest bank, get a loan and give the money to you.

Exactly my thoughts. It's not difficult to get a loan and €10K over 5 years would cost little more than the €200 per month mentioned earlier but at least you're getting in a lump. If you get it monthly you won't see the value of it imho.

How Strange

Milkerman, you were bound to explode at some stage if all she does is ignore the fact that you and your wife loaned her your savings.

It's funny but not funny how you say that the tan was the trigger. I can just imagine. I'd be the very same. I don't think you've done anything wrong here at all. The timing might have been a bit off but that's it.

Talk to your wife about it. It could be that she is mad with you because its her sister and she feels partially responsible for convincing you in the first place. That's how I would feel if I were your wife and it's always that little bit easier to be mad at someone else (you!) than face the reality that your sister conned your savings out of you.

Ger the man

BaZmO* wrote: »

Feck this apology nonsense!!! You were dead right. The fact that you even had to mention it to her or drop hints 2 years after lending her the money rings alarm bells. I could understand having to remind her if it was just a couple of hundred quid but 10K??? :rolleyes:

After that amount of time if she was still not in the position to pay back the money the decent thing to do would be to at least let you know that she hadn't forgotten about it. But the real humdinger is the holiday she decided to take even though you had to forfeit yours after helping her out.

I know dealing with inlaws can be tricky business at the best of times but as Mike Strutter would say, "What's right is right!!" Your sister inlaw is in the worng and it's her that should be apologising to you.

+1 Lots of people dont like it when you speak your mind but be prepared to let people treat you like a door mat if you dont. You are dead right not to apologise!!

kmick

Id apologise for shouting at her after I got my money back. Apologising now is going to be taken as a sign of weakness. I understand family is family and you should always be the one to take the first step. However when the lady in question gets the idea that it is ok to take a holiday before paying back her debts then all bets are off.

echosound

milkerman wrote: »

Thanks for the comments.
Funny thing is that OK I shout when I am mad but tend to speak slowly with conviction & careful pronunciation when I am really really mad. In this case there was no shouting. It was a spur of the moment thing, tbh it was the tan that triggered me......

Well in that case I totally retract what I said about apologising to her for shouting, it sounds like you just clearly stated your case, which needs no apology!

Sounds to me like this sis is hoping the entire loan will be forgotten and "wiped off", and is annoyed at you for having the gall to remind her that she owes you 10k of your hard earned savings!

Agreed with How Strange, sounds like your wife is just mad that her own flesh and blood is ignoring the debt and is angry at the entire situation, rather than at you, IYKWIM, but of course it tends to be the people closest to us that we end up taking the anger out on!

Talk to your wife, surely she can see that it's not fair that sponger sis is off gallivanting about on foreign holidays while you and your family are stuck at home?? Good on you for remaining as calm as you did under the cimcumstances, I'd probably have exploded and looked like a twat screaming and frothing. You have nothing to aplogise for, it's the sister that should be grovelling to you both for being so flippant about 10k, especially when it was given in a time of hardship, she should be doubly grateful for helping her to get out of dire straits. Even if it was only a couple of hundred, she should be going out of her way to pay you back and make sure you know she appreciated the help when she had no-one else to turn to. Bloody hell, I'd be mortified if I owed so much as 50 quid to someone and would rather go without groceries in order to pay it off ASAP:mad:

sunny2004

SAY SORRY

and suggest you right off the loan to your wife !


then mention you are going to borrow further monies to give her sister...

If it was me, my kids would go around with no shoes when she arrived to make the point

Keano

If anyone owed me 10k I would be very annoyed too! No way in hell should you be sorry. She had it coming for treating you the way she did that being she holiday's while owing 10k! That is just not acceptable. Forget the flowers for your wife and bring home a direct debit mandate for her to give to her sister...

azezil

Small claims court tbh!

As for the apology, well I'd apologise for loosing the rag but not for what you said, she owes you money, I'd keep hounding her until I got it!

milkerman

Well at least me & my wife are talking again. She was thick with me because she wished the ground would open up & swallow her. I suppose it was one of those situations where a statement lingers in the air like a bad fart.

I can kiss our money goodbye though, the sponger has run up other debts. One bloody expensive lesson though, she has no assets of any real value. If I had the balls I would nick her car as collateral but wouldn't be able to sell it. :mad:

dame

I wouldn't write the loan off so quickly if I were you. So what if she has run up other debts, you can be sure the credit card company won't be writing off her debts for her! She has to learn eventually. You'll do her no favours by letting her off the hook and you'll do yourself anad your family no favours either. This will constantly eat away at you and you'll be grinding your teeth at every occasion where you see her (at least I would!).

Go to the bank or credit union and get her some new account and loan forms. Stand over her until she agrees to go in, get a loan and pay you back. She can tighten her belt, get a loan to pay off all her debts in one go and pay it off every month until it's gone. Think Eddie Hobbs. She needs that approach. It's not going to be pretty but she does need to pay you back and she does need to learn.

Electric

Dame is right, why should you write off the loan because she has run up other debts? It was your money and the last time I checked €10k is a substantial amount of money.

I would ask that she come over to your house and both you and your wife explain that it is not possible for you to write off €10k and that she needs to pay it back at an agreed rate. Have all the direct debit forms ready for her to sign. Make it clear that she is not going to get out of this debt!

Honestly I don't know how your wife or other members of her family haven't flattened her! If it were me, well I would have paid it back straight away I'd be mortified at having to ask family to bail me out, but I know that if I hadn't my family would not allow me to behave like this.

Don't let this go, it will only happen again to someone else

milkerman

Thanks for the replies.
Realistically though, payment at €30 or €40 pw is shag all use to anyone. She wont get a loan from any of the institutions. So I may just have to take the hit, tbh I have feared this for some time.
Also, she is family so I cant really use any of the usual legal remedies without massive collateral damage.
In future I will heed Polonius' advice.

PS I hope she contracted the clap on holidays.:(

Knockoff Nige

milkerman wrote: »

Thanks for the replies.
Realistically though, payment at €30 or €40 pw is shag all use to anyone. She wont get a loan from any of the institutions. So I may just have to take the hit, tbh I have feared this for some time.
Also, she is family so I cant really use any of the usual legal remedies without massive collateral damage.
In future I will heed Polonius' advice.

PS I hope she contracted the clap on holidays.:(

Does she have any assets at all? Does she have a mortgage or car or something? To be honest I'd be giving her the guilty treatment and telling her that your kids need a holiday or a sensitive issue has happened and you need the money urgently to cover it.

SarahSassy

Its your wife's fault too cos she is letting her away with it...

I think your Mrs also owes you an apology - it was 50% your money and she has effectively given it to her sister (and you have done without a holiday as a result of her actions). She has ignored your requests to ask for it back and has landed you in a position where you are 10k worse off..

I would be demanding €100 per month from this stinger.... Its not a lot of money but I'd land over to her house with a standing order form and get her to sign it. She has a brass neck but in fairness, your wife is her sister and she should have known better than to effectively throw your savings into the fire....

Dont even think about apologising.... As long as you were not abusive you have nothing to apologise for.... I think both of the ladies here owe you an apology but obviously for different reasons.

ferdi

i dont get why your wife is pissed off with you and i dont get why she is siding with her sister over you?
i know blood, water bla bla bla but this seems seriously crazy to me...is your wife actually advocating not persuing this woman for the money and just taking the hit??! the loss of 10k will hit her and your kids...i honestly dont see how you are coming out as the bad guy on this one and i dont see why you are accepting your wife's stance on the matter (which, no offence, is mental)i cant believe you are in the dog house over telling the truth and speaking your mind to another adult...the sister sounds like aright flakey bitch if you dont mind me saying, i'd hound her for the money and after that remove this person from your life for good. madness.

milkerman

Aw Jeez guys,
Hindsight is great.
Sarah, she has very few assets & I know that legal action would at best garner €30-€40 pw. It would then be a constant battle to keep the payments coming. I have a little experience in this area (now I have a lot).
Yes I am annoyed with my wife, I was also annoyed with her when she removed our garden gate with our almost new car - but annoyance will get me nowhere. She acted in good faith because she is kind, so no blame there.

My in-laws only decent saleable assset is her car, if sold for cash it would realise about 7k. We will ask the wagon to hand it over and see what happens.

SarahSassy

milkerman wrote: »

Sarah, she has very few assets & I know that legal action would at best garner €30-€40 pw. It would then be a constant battle to keep the payments coming.

I dont doubt it would be a pain in the ass but its the principle.... Who is she going to stiff next for 10k?? I know thats not your problem but at the same time her family have helped her become the person she is by letting her away with **** like this......

She needs a good wake up call... I would tell her you need to borrow the car and keep it.... That would teach her a lesson...

How Strange

milkerman...Aw Jeez guys,Hindsight is great.
Sarah, she has very few assets & I know that legal action would at best garner €30-€40 pw. It would then be a constant battle to keep the payments coming. I have a little experience in this area (now I have a lot).
Yes I am annoyed with my wife, I was also annoyed with her when she removed our garden gate with our almost new car - but annoyance will get me nowhere. She acted in good faith because she is kind, so no blame there. My in-laws only decent saleable assset is her car, if sold for cash it would realise about 7k. We will ask the wagon to hand it over and see what happens.

milkerman, you are being very reasonable despite the situation you're in and that's good. I'd say your wife feels absolutely awful about dragging you and your savings into it. Families are so f*cking complicated. However, I do think you should go after her car. What do your wife's parents make of all this? Are they realistic about what she is like or do they think she's a great one?

milkerman

Mmm,
I should have asked for the car before having my hissy fit.

Seriously though, I cant blame my wife for this. She wanted to help her sister - I think that is normal enough.
I probably could have picked a better time & place to raise the issue & I did cause that awful silence in the company (nearly 20 people) that went on for some time. My daughter will remember that b'day party for sure.

At this point my wife no longer expects or wants apologies from me, just a little more tact in future - fair enough.

I cant afford to let myself get too wound up about this, I think I will just have to take the hit with stoicism. Certainly no other family members will be offering loans to the wagon.

Thanks again.

Please feel free to burn effigies of my delightful in law this coming Halloween

Seraphina

milkerman wrote: »

I cant afford to let myself get too wound up about this, I think I will just have to take the hit with stoicism. Certainly no other family members will be offering loans to the wagon.

Thanks again.

Please feel free to burn effigies of my delightful in law this coming Halloween

please do NOT take the hit. go round to her house and DEMAND the car. then set up a standing order payment for the rest of the cash.

seriously, people like this only take advantage cause they think they can get away with it. DO NOT LET HER GET AWAY WITH IT. legal action for the car and even 50 a week to teach that bitch a lesson!

The Ritz

I would not take the hit for this..............

I know it sounds outrageous, but unless there's HP outstanding on the car, you should go after it. I'm not blind to how comlpicated things get with family etc., but unless your wife actually says to you that she really wants to let it go, there's no way I'd walk away from it - it takes 20k earned to make 10k saved, more or less, and the idea that someone would treat me so utterly shabbily after I'd bailed them out would give me apoplexy.

However, if your wife is effectively asking you to let it go for the sake of not putting her in a completely impossible position with her own family, then I wouldn't pursue her over it - but I would completely ignore the sister from that point on, no matter what the circumstances - If she wanted to visit, I'd freak her head out by looking straight through her, If I attended family events I'd pretend she didn't exist. I wouldn't be hounding her for the money anymore, but I'd leave her and her family in no doubt that I thought she was beneath contempt. Too psycho ?? Noooope, I don;'t think so and here's why.....

There is the occasional phenomenon of certain family members/in-laws who work hard, save a few bob and don't jeopardise themselves or their extended family by running up[ stupid debts. These people can be seen by their less prudent (read totally feckless retards) family/inlaws as their personal safety net - i.e. you have it, it must have been easy for you to get it, so I can take it off you and you won't really mind - - - Hey, you can always save more because you've got a better job/don't need the money because you don't have a life/don't have to "keep up appearances" like they do/insert the retard excuse of your choice. As a point of principle, I believe that people like these do not deserve any respect.

For what it's worth, my own family (including inlaws) is wonderfully, fortunately, free of anything like this, but I've seen this kind of scrounging at close quarters before and it ain't pretty, especially the "victim" act of perpetrator.

If this situation ultimate does not turn out with you getting some recompense, then you and your wife honestly have my sympathy - it's a sh!tti way to be treated for doing something which your wife wanted to do out of her sense of kindness.

Ritz.

the_syco

DeVore wrote: »

Either that or tell her to go to one of those new fangled bank things and get a loan. Pay interest?? Awww diddums.

Tell your wife that either the above happens, or you bring the sister-in-law to court. Also tell your wife that you were going to wait for her to pay, but not after she splashed out your money on a holiday.

Oh, and if you get on OK with the other in-laws, warn them of your mistake, so that they don't make the same one. I'm thinking the 2k holiday may not have been her own money.

Take the sister-in-laws car, and sell it. If wifey moans, price up wifeys car

bronte

Honestly op...I'd be reluctant to let this go.
you mentioned she's run up other debts...and it's no surprise.
She'll keep doing this as long as people bail her out.
10K is a lot of cash for yis to be out.
Even if she pays it back in small installments it should be paid back.
It'll teach her a bit of responsibility.

RoundyMooney

If you can get the car, sell it, keep 5k and give the wife 2k.

Then it becomes an internal family issue once more.

I feel your pain OP. I went through this before (for less money, only 2k IIRC) and it took me two years...

estar

dont apologise - she created the situation. you are a decent broke who did
a favour and had it thrown back in your face.

you did the right thing, standing up for you and your family. sometimes a man
has to be a man and demand respect, and thats what you did.

personally i would go over on the pre-text of apologising, and instead
hammer out a deal whereby you get paid once a month by direct debit
tell them you have receipts of the debt and can pursue it if they want
but would rather do it the nice way.

tell them they have put you in an awful situation as you need the money
for something important, and tell them that you have to put your kids
first over them, and are willing to do whatever it takes to secure their
wealth.

sometimes people take the p*** until they know someone will not take it.
then they toe the line.

about ten years ago i had a row with my sister in law, basically she was
taking advantage of me, and being a total cow.

i told her where to go eventually, and the family wanted me to apologise
for the sake of peace.

i said no way, i refused to speak to her until she made the peace.

i have a good nature, but im not being walked on, just for the sake of
a peace on the surface.

dont apologise, ask for an apology for the situation you were left in.

whatever you do though, dont lose your temper, stay really really calm

estar

the wifey needs to think whats more important you and the kids
or the old family.

you are her first priority now, and your feelings and the kids come first.

go over there today and dont leave without a signed direct debit form
and tell them in a nice way that you will be pursuing it if they dont

tell them you are ready to reconcile whenever they want, on the
terms and conditions. and if you have to phone the other in laws
and keep them informed, or even ask what they would do in your
situation.

well done on standing up for yourself and keep it up.

milkerman

My wife had lunch with her sister yesterday. She came home without a direct debit or car keys. Like a fool she even paid for lunch.
I only found out about it when I found the Laser receipt in our car when I was going to work today and had to ask. TBH I am a bit pissed with my wife over that, it just seems ...disloyal? or something. Cant find the word for it but know I am pissed off.
Apparently the other wans car can't be touched because she has to drive to work. My wife is just too soft, or a fekcin eejit or protective of her bum sister. Dont know which.

great unwashed

Ok,
you've lost a fair whack of money, you've lost your temper but i'm sure you want to keep your family. be careful that this thing doesn't get totally out of all control now. damage limitation is not comfortable if you let it get to that stage.

very lucky for her that you are the responsible type who has the money available! are you thinking about lying to the loss of it now? it would be a relief to you instead of having to battle to get 30/40 euro a week out of the woman. some people are gluttons and will never be satisfied it seems.

10k is a lot of money to most people and especially to the likes of her paying it back (could take ages) but ultimately would do her no harm if she could discipline herself into paying it back regularly - not in dribs and drabs. she might not have her house in order at all and maybe she would be forced to change her own habits if she had something to pay back. it might take her years (4 or 5) to return the money but it could be the best solution.

you sound like someone who is capable of saving and keeping things in some kind of order and you should be proud and thankful that you are like that because some others are absolutely useless and rely on the likes of you who have it.

you might be bitter now but maybe giving yourself a break from thinking about it wouldn't be the worst thing.

mikemac

I'd tread carefully OP.
What if you have a meeting with her and end up shouting at her and next thing you the gardai are involved.
She could make you out to be the bad guy like a bullying illegal money-lender.

Back off and go the legal route. Don't contact her on your own again.
I don't know much about the legal system and you may be an unsecured creditor but a solicitor can advise you.
Maybe you can get money from her wages at source like separated couples do with maintenance.

Also, 7k is an expensive car imo, though I'm only poor
Could she not pick up a decent 1.0l car for 2k and you've half your payment in one go?

Sam Vimes

people are saying its complicated because family is involved. Its not complicated at all. This woman owes you money and has to pay it back. End of story.

don't let it go. People like this do what they do because pushovers let it go and they spend their whole lives living off other people's money. You can bet your ass she's not telling the credit card company that she needs more time. She's paying them back because if she doesn't they'll take her to court, just like you should do.

here's an idea of how serious this situation is: people have been suggesting you take her to the small claims court but you can't. the amount is too large for them to deal with. They only deal with amounts of up to 2k. You'd have to take her to a higher court

you worked hard for that money be you shouldn't have to forfeit it for the sake of peace with a sponging user

@micmclo, i don't think you can be classed as a money lender if you're not charging interest but other than that you're right. OP, don't get angry with her. In fact i'd advise no face to face contact whatsoever so she can't accuse you of anything. Send her a registered letter explaining that you want your money back in a given time frame. Provide her with all the necessary information to put the first installment in your account and if it doesn't arrive, contact a solicitor

estar

hi there

your wife is torn between being a supportive family member and
being a wife. sisterly bonds have a long history, and she probably
has grown up bailing this one out. she didnt suddenly turn into
who she is, she was prob spoilt growing up. your wife sounds like
a caring woman who is prob just trying her best in a bad situation.

she should put you first, but people and things are never complicated.
she probably values family more than money, which is a good thing.
but not very practical, and not a good learning curve for this sister.
the sister should also value family more than money and pay
her family back the debt.

the sister should contact MABS. they are a non profit org that help
people sort out their finances and budget.

they will help her manage her finances, which ultimately will prevent
the family loans.

whatever you do, dont blame your wife. it isnt disloyalty, shes prob
trying to be a good sister as well as a good wife, and shes trapped
in the middle.

is it a good idea to go through her handbag, if thats what you did?

the bad guy here is your sister in law, not your wife. your wife is
prob just a soft touch used to bailing out her sister. if this is a habit
for years twould be hard to give up.

the sister in law could get a loan for the money for the credit union
when she has sorted out her current finances and pay ye back.

i would give your wife the MABS details and say - your sister needs
this help. then i would say - im giving her another six months to
start paying us back, six months to sort out her current situation
pay back existing debts, and then its 150 a month til she pays us back
giving her a break at christmas. thats about five years. and that deal
will be non negotiable.

but tell her its not about money, which this isnt. its about respect and
honour. what kind of message is sister in law sending to her kids.
that you take and dont give back.

personally id rather starve than owe a family member money. but then not everyone is like that, and isnt it what we were taught growing up. thats the
real pity here. if she and the hubby have to give up drink or something to
pay you back an interest free loan then so be it.

gandalf

OK first of all unless you and your wife are willing to act together you will not get this money back. Part of the problem appears to be the fact you didn't nail down how it was to be repaid. Just make sure that it doesn't become an obsession and get between yourself and your wife.

milkerman

Estar,
No I didnt search through her handbag. My wife trats our car like a €20k litter bin, so this was one of the many receipts stuffed in the dashboard!
I wont get involved any more with her sister or other family, but wont bale the wagon out again

D-Generate

Buy the kids a crappy present and when they look a bit sad tell them that you would have got them a PS3 but mean old Aunty X took your money and won't give it back. Nothing quite like using kids in family disputes

estar

milkerman wrote: »

Estar,
No I didnt search through her handbag. My wife trats our car like a €20k litter bin, so this was one of the many receipts stuffed in the dashboard!
I wont get involved any more with her sister or other family, but wont bale the wagon out again

you didnt sound like that type, so i did add, "if thats what you did"

didnt mean to offend.