Women who can't commit!

Rosso

How do you deal with them? Been on a cpl of 'dates' with this girl who I knew for a few months before . The problem is, she has got some commitment issues, and she told me that herself very early on.

She's in her late 20s, never had a serious boyfriend, but admitted to going out on 'dates' with many men before in the past. However, it was always purely just a movie/dinner sort of thing. She would never call them her boyfriend at all.No hand holding, no intimacy in any form whatsoever. There was this guy whom she 'dates' regularly for about a year or so. He was absolutely mad about her but she says that she doesn't like him at all. She would always complain about his appearances, his lack of grace and manners, his friends and how her parents doesn't like him. However that never stopped her from going out to gigs/movies/dinner with him. She never admits, and would deny it, if anyone ever claims that he is her boyfriend. That ended as he felt he was wasting his time and who could blame him.

Now i wonder if I've fallen in the same trap. We worked together for a few months before (but not anymore). We always had a great working relationship and great chemistry. We get teased a bit by our colleagues because of how close we were. One even suggested that she has a thing for me. I dont know if he is right or not. Certainly, we are a part of a close circle of friends and she would always show me the most affection. I know she is fond of me in some way, but I just dont know in WHAT way.

I've asked her out a cpl of times to the cinema and dinner/lunch.I am not always successful, but usually it would be a yes. She knows I like her. Everybody at work could see that! The problem is, I think I've fallen for her and would like to take it a bit further. However, that would CERTAINLY freak her out. Also, I am afraid of falling into the same situation like the previous guy. I'm mad about her but I could see myself being strung along for the next year!

Sometimes I feel like I should confront her. Tell her how I feel and that I need to know where I stand. But I know this would freak her out. I tried it a bit last week, trying to hint that I like her, but she expertly steered the conversation to something else instead. I knew she was uncomfortable.

What do you guys/gals think? Am I wasting my time? I really really like her and have never felt this strongly about a girl in years! Shall I go on as it is with her, with sporadic movie/dinner appointments, hope for the best and that I don't get strung along or am I just wasting my time? Confronting her would make her uneasy and possibly freak her out. What should I do ?

curiousxxx1

Rosso, "LIFE IS SHORT". Don't shoulda, woulda or coulda.. I would say you should speak to her and tell her how you feel. If she's not interested then life continues:) at least you know you tried!
We girls like to "front" but you need to be firm with her...

LegacyUser

dude, it's like seeing someone crash a car and then getting in the passenger seat.

If you're happy to be "that guy" who she bitches about and runs down just so she can make herself feel better about not treating him better then go right ahead.

I would suggest that her problems are bigger than any one person, so you may take it personally when she treats you the same way.

as hard as it is to meet someone who you like and feel is worth the effort I feel you've outlined enough reasons to steer clear.

I can see it's an itch you want to scratch, so to suit whatever response you came on here looking for just cover over the response you don't like with your finger or something:

go for it

don't go for it.

and the best of luck with whichever you decide.

SarahSassy

Rosso wrote: »

There was this guy whom she 'dates' regularly for about a year or so. He was absolutely mad about her but she says that she doesn't like him at all. She would always complain about his appearances, his lack of grace and manners, his friends and how her parents doesn't like him. However that never stopped her from going out to gigs/movies/dinner with him. She never admits, and would deny it, if anyone ever claims that he is her boyfriend. That ended as he felt he was wasting his time and who could blame him.

The least of your worries is that she wont commit - your problem is that she has no manners and is dog ignorant.... She complains about his appearance his lack of grace etc etc etc ??? Who the hell does she think she is??? You really need to wise up, cop on that she is a user and find someone nice who wont use you for free dinners and treat you like a dog.

How Strange

OP, I'd say stay well clear of this one. Why do you think she will treat you any differently? Because you worked together? She was with the other guy for a year and had absolutely no respect for him.

I think you should read your own post again and then, as other posters have already said, say to yourself 'life is too short'.

She sounds like a despicable person and definitely not someone deserving of a decent guy.

sunnyjim

Man, go with the gut instinct always - and considering that you have come here with questions on your mind, your gut has already made the decision.

Steer clear.

Unless of course, you want to be the guy who she's talking about next year.

digitally-yours

curiousxxx1 wrote: »

Rosso, "LIFE IS SHORT". Don't shoulda, woulda or coulda.. I would say you should speak to her and tell her how you feel. If she's not interested then life continues:) at least you know you tried!
We girls like to "front" but you need to be firm with her...

The best advice +1

If she is acting like "attention seeker" you should know what to do.

Rosso

How Strange wrote: »

OP, I'd say stay well clear of this one. Why do you think she will treat you any differently? Because you worked together? She was with the other guy for a year and had absolutely no respect for him.

I think you should read your own post again and then, as other posters have already said, say to yourself 'life is too short'.

She sounds like a despicable person and definitely not someone deserving of a decent guy.

Maybe I didn't actually paint a good picture of her. She's not as bad as many of you ppl say she is. She is actually a very nice person, very much liked by everybody around her. It's just her approach to relationships is maybe a little...strange, i know. Even she's aware of that.

Mullah

Any physical intimacy?

LegacyUser

Well Rosso, unfortunately I am one of those girls. commitment phobe big style....But be patient with her.

Wibbs

Rosso wrote: »

Maybe I didn't actually paint a good picture of her. She's not as bad as many of you ppl say she is. She is actually a very nice person, very much liked by everybody around her. It's just her approach to relationships is maybe a little...strange, i know. Even she's aware of that.

Maybe, maybe not. The thing is, that you don't want to end up being her shrink and "date" partner. The decision is in your hands not hers. By going along with this, you're just going to continue this behaviour in her. It's not worth it. Walk away. I don't care how much you fancy her, it doesn't matter. If she won't take the next step, it'll come to naught.

Fysh

Rosso wrote: »

Maybe I didn't actually paint a good picture of her. She's not as bad as many of you ppl say she is. She is actually a very nice person, very much liked by everybody around her. It's just her approach to relationships is maybe a little...strange, i know. Even she's aware of that.

All we have to go on is what you tell us, OP. And probably the biggest single warning sign was the fact that she dated this other guy for a year but incessantly badmouths every aspect of him. To my mind, that gives one of two possibilities:

1) She's trying to downplay the seriousness of the time she spent with that guy for whatever reason (maybe she is interested in you and thinks it will put you off? Who knows...)

2) She's a person who has non-trivial emotional issues in regard to forming strong relationships with people (whether physical or emotional) and her way of dealing with those issues is to hide behind an extremely rude front and shy away from any serious commitment or involvement.

Either way, going along as you are now and "hoping for the best" is not a good idea. Look how it worked out for the other guy after a year! Confront her about it and bring the subject out in the open - at least that way you'll have an answer. Be prepared for this to be a long-term factor in any relationship that may emerge, however; this is unlikely to be the sort of thing she can just switch off straight away.

strawberrybox

id say this woman was hurt quite badly in the past and now wont open up and let herself be in a vunurable position again and leave herself open to be hurt again, by running down the guy and being seeminly uncaring is all a defence mechanism if it went wrong and she could just say well i didnt like him anyway, she is closing herself off to a loving two way relationship by doing this and it will probably take her a long time to let her guard down with a man , she obviously liked him on some level if she seen him for a year, if she didnt like him as much as she claimed to there is no way she would have went on dates with him-

you say she is aware of this , it is very hard to change learned behaviour even if you know you are doing it - she probably thinks in her head jesus what did i say that for or why was i so bitchy there she just cant help herself

I would say to her you want an upfront and honest two way relationship with her and you are not going to fall into that trap like the other guy and if she wont give it a proper go and try to open up to you then you just have to move on you are not wasting your time, i would say try to be a bit patient with her and actions speek louder than words
show her you are not going anywhere and i would say she will thaw

Zulu

You are missing the point dude. It doesn't matter if she's the soundest girl in the world (clearly you think the world of her if you fancy her) - she DOES NOT FEEL THE SAME WAY ABOUT YOU.
Sure she thinks you're sound; sure she trusts you completely; sure you guys are close - but if hasn't happened. She's leading you on - more than likly not intentionally, but it's gonna mess you up.

Remember, IF she felt the same as you, you'd be happily together - wouldn't you.

When you hear "issues with commitment", read "I haven't met someone yet".

Buddy I went through the EXACT same thing - PM me if you like. The upshot is, nothing will happen, but you'll keep falling for her. You need distance. Sorry.

AngryBadger

OP why would you want to get involved with someone like this? From her history she's quite happy to string guys along, and from what you describe she's doing the same thing to you.

If I were in your shoes I'd leave well enough alone, or in all likelihood you're going to get burned.

CrazyNoob

OP the first few response advised steering clear,

You didnt like that response and provided more info that she's nice person and her views on relationships are strange

My advice (which you probably wont like either)
Steer clear

Red Hand

I don't see much hope in that situation. Sounds like she just likes attention-be it from friends or her "dates".

curiousxxx1

OP, your first post was you telling us how you feel and exactly what she is. Your second post is you defending her; we are not here to judge you Don’t forget we don’t know you either The problem is you need to stop this thinking that she's different. You hope she would change maybe she might when she's dating you but let’s be realistic she has to change for herself first and you have to admit that you’d only ever be friends and nothing more....
I posted something here recently and went unreg for it and the response, bitter as they seemed made me re-think the situation and now I am happy to say that I have moved on!

SarahSassy

Fysh wrote: »

the biggest single warning sign was the fact that she dated this other guy for a year but incessantly badmouths every aspect of him.

This the most important point made on this post..... She is rude and you could end up being this poor sod a year down the line.... Your choice if you want to make a play for her. TBH, she doesnt sound like a shrinking violet and I think if she wanted you you would know by now.....

I think 99.9999% of people will commit when they find the RIGHT person....

pretty-in-pink

Shes probably scared, people don't go off commitment all by themselves. However that said, i think you should keep it as friends, you will be more use to her as a mate. She may use sex as a weapon here, if you've gotten to close, she could sleep with you and then use it as an excuse to distance you. Akward situation to be in, no matter what does or doesn't happen

Zulu

pretty-in-pink wrote: »

Shes probably scared...

Scared my hole!

Nevyn

Zulu it happens.

Comitment to certain women means having to move in wth a guy and end up doing all the laundry, shopping, cleaning and turning into thier down trodden mother's so they don't want that life style and only date and have sex.

pretty-in-pink

Yup, and theres the whole opening up emotionaly to someone thing. We don't know the OP, or the girl. It sounds like she is scared and is keeping people away from her, as opposed to being a b!tch.

Its not a nice place for either party to be in, if she is afraid of commitment, then knowing how the OP feels will have her running for the hills. Whetever is going on in her head, she needs to deal with, in her own time. The OP doesn't need to get himself hurt in the process- but I think he should linger as a mate

Zulu

...no, it sounds like she's fully aware of herself and happily uses her talants to secure dates/dinners.

Look, at what point did you get the impression that this was a "shy shrinking violet"??? ...because that never occured to me, from what I heard.

I'm not suggesting she is intentionally leading him on to secure dates etc.; that that's her end motivation, but she has proved that she will happily (sub)conciously string a fellow along irregardless to him for a year. So giving this poor chap (the OP) the idea that she might just be shy, is a sham. You are only telling him what he wants to hear, and lets face it - do you really believe it to be true? Do you?

Imagine he's your brother, what are you going to advise him?

OP, she's a disaster for you.

-avey-

I'm a little commitment-shy myself, not because i've been hurt in the past as such but just cos i find it hard to trust guys so i tend to not let things become serious. im younger than the girl the OP is referrin to, and its a different situation, she may jus be insecure within and find it hard to commit.

Good luck OP

estar

SarahSassy wrote: »

The least of your worries is that she wont commit - your problem is that she has no manners and is dog ignorant.... She complains about his appearance his lack of grace etc etc etc ??? Who the hell does she think she is??? You really need to wise up, cop on that she is a user and find someone nice who wont use you for free dinners and treat you like a dog.

it isnt nice to run down an ex. says far more about you than the ex.
its totally rotten to take from someone on an extended basis and
all the while be down grading them behind their back.

its a total lack of class to get free dinners from someone who
you dont like. man how desperate does she sound. eek. id rather
die than say - oh yes - that was the guy i was just using for a few
free dinners. it translates into - im a cheap and nasty girl with no
respect for myself and anyone else, and im on the take.

how very jerry springer, really.

oneeyedsnake

Get really drunk and aggressive and then start shouting and screaming random passages from the bible at her while waving a heavy duty iron chain above your head. If this doesn’t convince her you love her then nothing (and i mean nothing)will.

estar

oneeyedsnake wrote: »

Get really drunk and aggressive and then start shouting and screaming random passages from the bible at her while waving a heavy duty iron chain above your head. If this doesn’t convince her you love her then nothing (and i mean nothing)will.

muppet.

Nevyn

oneeyedsnake banned.

estar if you have an issue with a post or poster use the report post function,
do not post off topic comments in reply to thier posts.

estar

Thaedydal wrote: »

oneeyedsnake banned.

estar if you have an issue with a post or poster use the report post function,
do not post off topic comments in reply to thier posts.

apologies - forgot!!!

nightowl

Trust me stay away from this woman. I went out with a woman like that this year and I have to say I got badly burned. All the danger signs were there but I ignored them.

Like a fool I paid for all the meals and other nights out. This girl paid me back by disrespecting me further. In the end I woke up and told her what I thought of her and that I wasn't happy with her using me.

She was hurt before in the past but that was no excuse for her hurting me and treating me with disrespect.

Beware of women like this, they are cheap and nasty. There are better women out there who are willing to commit and spend time with you

Rosso

There's been a few post here who mentioned about her wanting a free dinner/movie etc etc. While I can't say what it was like with the previous guy, it certainly isn't the case with me. We would always either go dutch, or she would get the next round of meals/movies. Maybe I'm biased, or blinded, that I can't see her for what she is, but one thing for sure, bills are essentially split 50-50 between us.