Conflict resolution with partners

LegacyUser

When there is a problem with the boyfriend I want to talk about it and get over it with as soon as possible and he just wants to be alone or get away from me. We handle conflict in completely different ways.
He tells me not to nag but I ask him to just listen.
When we don’t talk about it, I burn up inside but when I do talk about it he gets furious.
The following day, he expects me to forget about the whole thing, but yet the issue is not resolved.
How can I respect his feelings but also feel as though my needs are being met?

Does anyone else have this problem? how can I make it better?

Piste

Maybe you should look at the times you are dealing with it. Is it when he is stressed/rushing? You might be talking to him about important issues at the wrong time, try to avoid it during the morning if yuo'e both rushing out to work, or when he's just home from work, he'll be stressed and snappy. Chances are after he's had dinner and has relaxed a bit you can talk to him, try to avoid saying "we need to talk" as this will get his back up straight away, talk about your problems when you are also making smalltalk, casually bring them up and try to use phrasing that doesn't make him feel accused or blamed for anything, that will only get him defensive straight away.

Carrigart Exile

Its Mars and Venus

Women talk, men fire gaze to solve their issues. Once he feels the issue is sorted in his head he doesn't want it reopening.

Kaldorn

I hate to tell you this but that is the same for every couple I know,blokes dont like talking about issues full stop,I did the same thing,i go all quiet and dont want to talk about it then I just want to be alone or read or play xbox.
you really do need to choose your time carefully.

Knockoff Nige

Maybe I'm an exception here but, being a guy, I want things sorted. I like compromising but I dont like letting things be and letting her get away with everything. I'm no a doormat. I beleive there is a way to get your point across if your first approach isnt working. You could simply make decisions by yourself. Should he disagree with them, then explain that he should have told you before. Or you could givwe him the ultimate ultimatum, talk or you walk. If he says walk then you're better off.

karen3212

Um op, I have to agree with others here, it is very difficult, though I think it is important that you prefix every issue with 'I feel'. Sometimes men feel like you are accusing them of doing something wrong, and they get stressed and withdraw, and playing xbox helps to relieve that stress. Some issues though can't be fixed and you may just have to work out a way to live with said issue. Also I think you should let him know that it makes you feel much better if you can just talk and talk and talk about the issue, but try and do it with respect and love, and try not to blame him in any way.

LegacyUser

i dont agree with the other posters. it has nothing to do with mens and womens differences. Its more about mature developed minds. to maintain a great relationship, conflict resolution is very important. the 1st step is to understand that a mutual approach to a problem and mutual understanding and respect for each others views serves the greater good of the relationship and is more important than the problem at hand.

Wibbs

I agree with ishy on this one. The mars venus stuff is mostly very wrong on this. The only thing I will say is the timing as others have said is very important. After a long day, the first thing your partner comes out with is whatever issue is bothering them is the last thing you need. Let it go until your both relaxed and actually ready for a discussion.

redfacedbear

ishy wrote: »

i dont agree with the other posters. it has nothing to do with mens and womens differences. Its more about mature developed minds. to maintain a great relationship, conflict resolution is very important. the 1st step is to understand that a mutual approach to a problem and mutual understanding and respect for each others views serves the greater good of the relationship and is more important than the problem at hand.

I agree with this too. However I do find that trying to resolve issues soon after an arguement can re-ignite the row if tempers are still frayed.

Refusing to discuss the issue after things have calmed down (e.g. the next day) smacks of immaturity rather than masculinity.

ntlbell

have sex

r3nu4l

ishy wrote: »

i dont agree with the other posters. it has nothing to do with mens and womens differences. Its more about mature developed minds. to maintain a great relationship, conflict resolution is very important. the 1st step is to understand that a mutual approach to a problem and mutual understanding and respect for each others views serves the greater good of the relationship and is more important than the problem at hand.

I totally agree with this. Compromise on both sides is important, not just one person compromising all the time. Timing is also important. A big part of conflict resolution is NOT allowing things to build up in the first place. If something annoys you (or him) you should both be adult enough to mention it calmly...before it becomes a big deal.

It is also important not to blur the real issue. Example if you have a problem with his general tidiness around the house you should not let the problem build and then jump down his throat if he leaves his dirty socks on the floor and spend ten minutes giving out about dirty sock on the floor.

This won't solve much because even if he agrees to pick up his socks in future, he'll still leave dirty cups on the table or the remote controls lying on the floor...etc. Don't let the dirty socks be the trigger and focus of a 'discussion'. Instead be mature enough to realise that the whole 'package' of tidiness is the issue that needs to be addressed.

Another part of conflict resolution is to NEVER let a discussion get side-tracked by bringing up past issues or examples of past rights and wrongs. Conflict resolution is not about point-scoring, it's about everyone being a winner.

To avoid conflict in the first place it is also really helpful if you actually show your appreciation if you notice him doing something to mend his ways. Instead of saying, "It's about time you got off your ass and..." just say "Thanks for doing that, I really appreciate it". This way he knows you've noticed and that it's made you happy. He'll be happy he's not getting nagged by you and you'll be happy that things are changing.

Aura

Timing is of great importance and some need longer than others which in itself requires some discussion but it is essential that things are then discussed to both parties satisfaction and not left to fester.

strawberrybox

its the opposite in my house my husband always wants to talk about things and get things out in the open, whereas sometimes im just so not in the humour of a "chat" and will avoid him like the plague, his point is he knows when something is up with me and to avoid a row in 6 hours when he has forgotten what he is supposed to have done he wants to get it out of the way! so i can see it kinda from your b/f view and once we have spoke about it i dont want to hear it again its done as far as im concerned

muppetkiller

Well one of the biggest issues in these situations is what is the Conflict about.

It's very common for a guy to walk away from an arguement with a girl because she can't see his point of view and he doesn't understand what the arguement is about in the first place.

Now before the women jump on me here I know this may not be the case in the OP's situation. But like another poster stated it's about a certain level of maturity and security when you have these conflicts.

Can I ask OP are you guys living together ? Reason I ask is these kind of conflicts can occur when couples live in one bed appartments where there's very little room for people to have there own space. (Sorry that's just my opinion...don't know if it's a fact ) personal space is very important no matter how close you are as a couple.

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone,

No we don’t live together, and most of these arguments start when both of us are usually having a relaxing evening. Sometimes when we are out.

I don’t like to argue and have only ever instigated it once (with extremely good reason). My approach to handling these situations is very calm. I never play a blame game or bring up issues from the past.
I have no problem with him going home or whatever to cool off but lately when we meet the next day he brushes it under the carpet. I rarely meet him after work so no, I don’t broach the subject when he is stressed. I would hate to see what way he would react if he was!

The input has been very helpful

Aura

Resolution requires give and take on both sides. There is no good in you being left silently disgruntled with its outcome as it will, I guarantee you, build up. An agreement has to be reached that is acceptable to both. You have to be willing to give him some space with things but he also has to be willing to broach the topic within a period of time that you are also comfortable with so things are not swept under the carpet. I think the most important thing when it comes to conflict resolution is a willingness on both parties side to be flexible in their approach at times so as to accommodate the others needs. After all the most important thing to you both should be finding a way you’re both happy with to staying in a loving respectful relationship and not battles won or lessons learned.

ntlbell

Very Frustrated wrote: »

Thanks everyone,

No we don’t live together, and most of these arguments start when both of us are usually having a relaxing evening. Sometimes when we are out.

I don’t like to argue and have only ever instigated it once (with extremely good reason). My approach to handling these situations is very calm. I never play a blame game or bring up issues from the past.
I have no problem with him going home or whatever to cool off but lately when we meet the next day he brushes it under the carpet. I rarely meet him after work so no, I don’t broach the subject when he is stressed. I would hate to see what way he would react if he was!

The input has been very helpful

Is there any particular patteren to the times it happens?

7 ish on a tuesday? 7 ish on a wed?

1/3/5pm on saturdays?

4 on a sunday?

does he dislike your friends at all? in general

Aura

Soccer Widows unite eh..


Arguments are going to be had in every couple but just keep the bigger picture in mind and try and deal with them as they do so your relationship doesn't get bogged down in them. Things can be kept simple.

Good luck with it.

A.

seamus

I think it may depend on what the argument is about. If it's a minor frivilous issue, it can wait. If it's a bigger issue, then obviously it needs more priority, but where necessary give him time to think about it - don't constantly push him on it. If he says he hasn't thought about it, that doesn't mean he doesn't care, that just means he hasn't done enough fire gazing on it.

I would also echo the sentiment of timing being important. When not to talk to a man:
When he's in a rush to leave
When he's just arrived home from work/gym/anything which would require rest afterwards
When he's watching TV
When he's reading or otherwise concentrating (doing some work, surfing the web)
When he's trying to sleep

If you try to talk to him, you're just going to annoy him because you're disturbing him and you won't get anything solved. If you ask him to switch off what he's doing and talk to you, you may get a response.

Good times to talk to a man:

When he's driving (although not about anything overly emotive!)
When he's eating
After sex (he'll probably agree to anything)
Any other time that he's relaxed and not doing something else.

ntlbell

seamus wrote: »

I think it may depend on what the argument is about. If it's a minor frivilous issue, it can wait. If it's a bigger issue, then obviously it needs more priority, but where necessary give him time to think about it - don't constantly push him on it. If he says he hasn't thought about it, that doesn't mean he doesn't care, that just means he hasn't done enough fire gazing on it.

I would also echo the sentiment of timing being important. When not to talk to a man:
When he's in a rush to leave
When he's just arrived home from work/gym/anything which would require rest afterwards
When he's watching TV
When he's reading or otherwise concentrating (doing some work, surfing the web)
When he's trying to sleep

If you try to talk to him, you're just going to annoy him because you're disturbing him and you won't get anything solved. If you ask him to switch off what he's doing and talk to you, you may get a response.

Good times to talk to a man:

When he's driving (although not about anything overly emotive!)
When he's eating
After sex (he'll probably agree to anything)
Any other time that he's relaxed and not doing something else.

Legend.

If you stick to this you will never ever go wrong.

But as stated go easy when he's driving.

Aura

seamus wrote: »

I think it may depend on what the argument is about. If it's a minor frivilous issue, it can wait. If it's a bigger issue, then obviously it needs more priority, but where necessary give him time to think about it - don't constantly push him on it. If he says he hasn't thought about it, that doesn't mean he doesn't care, that just means he hasn't done enough fire gazing on it.

I would also echo the sentiment of timing being important. When not to talk to a man:
When he's in a rush to leave
When he's just arrived home from work/gym/anything which would require rest afterwards
When he's watching TV
When he's reading or otherwise concentrating (doing some work, surfing the web)
When he's trying to sleep

If you try to talk to him, you're just going to annoy him because you're disturbing him and you won't get anything solved. If you ask him to switch off what he's doing and talk to you, you may get a response.

Good times to talk to a man:

When he's driving (although not about anything overly emotive!)
When he's eating
After sex (he'll probably agree to anything)
Any other time that he's relaxed and not doing something else.

How true!!
Not too convinced bout the driving either though... or the eating...
Guess that just leaves...:D

Enjoy!